Tuesday, 29 May 2012

Where did it all start?

Hello my dears,
I hope you are all well today,

As I was walking my dogs this morning I pondered this question. I thought back to when I was a child and I do remember loving my food. I had certain ways of eating things and had little rituals and rules. My family often commented on my healthy appetite and I hated this. I was a very active child, I was in the local swimming club and also did ballet and jazz. I guess being so active  gave me the freedom of eating what I liked. I remember clearly the first time someone commented on my weight. It was my ballet teacher and she told me I was losing too much weight. I can still remember the thrill I. Being in a class where all anyone is wearing is a leotard and tights is definitely triggering. Then as I started in high school I became more and more aware of my body and shape and my bestfriend was obsessed with losing weight. So there were things in childhood that could have contributed to my ed but it wasn't until I was 18 that it started to get serious. By 18 I was well on my way to becoming a heroin addict and I was eating less and less. Food just wasn't a priority anymore. My eating disorder was developing along side my drug addiction but I wasn't even aware of it.

Age 19 and my parents signed me into hospital to do a drug detox, I was 84lbs. One day one of the nurses sat me down and told me I had anorexia. I lost it saying there was no way I was anorexic and she was totally wrong. I could barely endure being a drug addict let alone having an eating disorder and I didn't want to worry my parents even more. Looking back it was obvious I had an ed but denial is a powerful thing. I was supposed to go treatment after my hospital stay but they wouldn't accept me as I was not physically strong enough. I relapsed the day I got out of hospital. Over the next few years both addictions were rife and life was becoming unbearable.

I was also wondering if genetics have a part to play in your chances of developing an ed. Looking at my own family I would think yes. My dad has 9 brothers and sisters and all of them have an addiction of some sort including 2 with eating disorders. Also my 2 older sisters and my dad were all alcoholics although they are all sober now. This would seem to suggest that I was predisposed to developing an eating disorders and that my environment and experiences also played a part.

What contributed to you developing your eating disorder? Was it an offhand comment someone made?
Or maybe it was a diet that went out of control,

Do you think it is genetic?

I'm inching ever closer to a place where I will be happy to post my weight and am even considering posting some pictures.

Have  lovely Tuesday,

Much love x


  1. Wow, thank you so much for sharing that experience, I think denial is one of the key factors we deal with, I certainly did, I didnt know and when it became apparent I raised hell if someone suggested I had an eating disorder. I even do it now as crazy as that is..

    I hope you are well as always, thank you for the encouragement and motivation you give me, you truly are an amazing person.

    Much love xxx

  2. hey sweetie,

    Thank you for the lovely comment, your words always make me smile,
    You too are an amazing person,

    Lots of love to you xxx

  3. Thanks for sharing your experience sweetheart. I know all my problems started with my dad calling me fat when I was little because I developed way early. Addictions are most deffinetely genetic. My dad is an alcoholic. Has been my whole life. I've accepted it, but him and a very abusive bf when I was way young is what triggered my eating disorder. Stay strong. You're amazing sweetie.

  4. Hmm, given your family, it sounds like it could be genetic. Or just the environment you were raised in. For me, I never liked the way I looked, but it literally just started during breakfast one day and I thought about what I was eating and how I used to be smaller, and back then I wasn't very healthy or small so I decided to do something about it. But I think I've always had body issues. I think there's a big argument over what causes eating disorders, nut I also think everyone is different. You can't group each person into the same category or symptoms, everyone's body and mind differs.

  5. First of all, I'm so jealous of everyone getting to play with their puppies this morning! You and Isobel both! So jealous! Mine is so so so far away, and all I want is a furry running partner to keep me company!
    Anyways, rant over, thats a really good question to bring up, and your story. wow, you've been through so much, but I think I'd have to agree that genes were likely at play here in some way.
    For myself, I never was happy with how I looked, and in comparison to my sisters who were, and continue to be SO stick thin, it was and continues to be a terrible trigger. It got to the point where I would have to exercise off every single calorie and more of what I took in just so I could look like them. It was the happiest day of my life when I was able to share pants with my one sister.
    I'm so glad you're getting close to where you want to be. I hope we all get there eventually<3

  6. That's really interesting ruby. I've been thinking about my childhood a lot too. It's odd isn't it, how early on we can see things started to develop. I definitely think it is genetic. No one in my family has normal eating habits. My dad used to serially diet and binge. His weight fluctuated throughout my childhood. My mum 'feasts and famines' without even realising it, and as a teenager was hospitalised due to depression and something that resembled an eating disorder. Her sister is very overweight and has binge eating disorder apparently. And don't even get me started on my own sister. She had stomach issues as a child and virtually no appetite up until the age of about thirteen. Now, her eating habits are very strange. She is totally fussy and much thinner than I am, seemingly without trying.

    I'm sorry to hear how you've suffered over the years with the ED alongside the drugs, it must have been hard. But I can tell from your writing that you're a very intuitive and clever person. I know you have the strength to pull yourself out of this eventually.

    Lots of love

  7. I think I saw an article that said it can be in genetics. I don't know of anyone in my family who has an ed but I do have some that have a drinking problem. One of them decided to get sober after 20 years and was having bad withdrawals. I mean throwing up and the whole nine. His speech is permanently slurred too.

    I just remember my mom and family always making comments on my weight and comparing me to my sister who is 3 inches taller than me and slimmer. It started to get to me over time. I started trying to starve myself when I was 14. I was on of those who went on pro ana sites and everything. I also started cutting at that time but that is another problem.

    This was a good question. It made me really think about my family and how they treated me. I am glad they are far away from me now. I miss them don't get me wrong but for my mental sake it may be best.

  8. This is really tricky question. Genetics are easy, way too easy. I assume they play some part since they most likely are responsible of the physical outcome and that again is responsible of our abilities to handle emotions. And that's what it is in one sense, handling stuff in the only possible way you've get to know.
    But then again to have that sort of stuff thrown at you in your early ears and left alone with it to cope the best self created method is more to do with environment and circumstances.

    For me the biggest visible and easy-point out trigger has been my mom. She always commented on my weight in a bad manner and since it was the only thing she basically ever said to me (if we don't count the 'good morning' and 'hello') it really set me up for this path. Also I didn't have any friends and I didn't trust anyone since I was bullied - not so much about being fat but that was mentioned couple times. I also was the kinda kid that took care of everyone and said ever if something was wrong.

    I just think you need a lot o stuff to be wrong to end up in this mess. I mean this isn't cool, glam or anything but if we see it more comfortable and safer place to be than in the middle of this weird offset in our lives... there just has to be something horrible going on.

    Enjoy life, this is a bitch but lets not let it consume us, ok?

  9. Hey! thanks for the follow and comment!

    I used to love food too. Grew up overeating at every meal, my little belly protruding like I was pregnant. Everyone loved my hearty appetite. I was actually proud of it too. I was never fat because I swam competitively. As i got older i began hating my broad shoulders and muscles. always tried to diet ever since. failed everytime.

    wasnt until I was 13 when dad started complaining about my weight. "You're too fat." and we'd run in the morning 2-3 hrs everyday. I hated that. he left I stopped caring and overate all the time. next time he saw me probably the most painful 2 weeks of my life. "My god you've gotten so fat. You're like a pig!" and he would call all my relatives and complain about how I was "fat like a pig". the last day i cudnt handle it anymore and starting crying uncontrollably. He started crying too "oh what can we do? You're so fat! Its so embarrassing!" I was crying for something else but he focused on the fat. After that I began purging incessantly. everything i ate. I wanted to die like that. to become so thin to make him regret and hurt.that was it. now 30lbs down, 30 more to go...maybe I really won't stop until I die. I've had this ED for 2 yrs now and its like my life. I can't imagine a day not counting calories or controlling what I eat...

    Stay strong<3

  10. Sorry I've been such a slacker about answering comments lately. I don't know what to say and keep putting it off and feel worse for putting it off and then it just snowballs >.<

    Thank you so much for your comments, they were awesome and hearing that my crazy brainvomits have inspired or helped someone is too much to get my head around. You're amazing, did you know that?

    With the Mirtazapine I was hoping I'd be in the lucky 17% who reported spontaneous orgasms as a side effect (or was it the doxepin?) but no such luck :( I got slightly increased appetite and the muscle weakness/lethargy and drowsiness. If you're getting the tired/lethargic side effects from it too you could try taking it at night, before bed or 10-12 hours before you want to be waking up. This means you sleep through the worst of the blargh part and it does help you sleep! Like all meds if you don't take it regularly it won't ever start working properly :/ The worst period for side effects for me was the first 4-6 weeks after going on&dosage increases, after that it eased off a bit.

    Wow, you're a dancer? I can definitely see how being nearly nekkid in a room of mirrors is a horrendous trigger. I don't know how you did it!

    There is definitely a genetic component to eating disorders. Certain brain wiring that will click on when exposed to the right circumstances. Being in triggering circumstances or being exposed to disordered eating habits during your formative years don't help matters in the least!

    For me it was discovering that food can be used as punishment as well as comfort, and starving hurt without external scars. Mental illness and outright insanity run on both sides of my family tree, but no confirmed eating disorders. I suspect Mum of a restrictive-type disorder, but she's a paranoid addict who denies everything. I've been a comfort eater since getting my first job, so I was seriously overweight by the end of high school. It was during the end of a toxic relationship and being forced onto a Healthy Eating Plan to counteract the effects of comfort-binges that taught me to use hunger to self-harm. I find it amusing that the closer I get to my goal, the more people praise me for 'training hard' and 'looking good'. Society applauding suicide, wtf? It also happens to be one of the most protracted and painful ways to murder myself that I know of.

    Fuck, sorry to land yo with a horrendous f-grade-essay-thing. Take care of yourself and stay awesome, ok?


  11. I have a lot of catching up to do!
    I really relate to how it started for you. Like you I was so active as a kid, skinny as hell, so it didn't have to matter what I ate, weight was never a problem. people did start commenting as I got older about my being so skinny, I also remember my sister making a remark that with all I was eating I would look like a pig in my pink exam leotard.. you are right, it's triggering being in tights and leotard in front of mirrors,there is nowhere to hide and you HAVE to look at your body or you get yelled at!
    I wish often that people would shut up about other people's bodies no matter why or when. It simply does not help anyone. Even 'positive' comments can trigger.
    I agree about the genetics, I feel like I was born with this. Abuse and a tug of war with food triggered the beginning of it, but it was there waiting to erupt, for something to pull the trigger anyway.
    Hope you are well xoxoxo

  12. Many mental disorders and other personality traits are a result of an interaction between genetics and environment.


Thank you for leaving some love x