Wednesday, 30 May 2012

Regrets, I've had a few

My name is Ruby and I'm a kleptomaniac.

Maybe that's an exaggeration but it sure feels like that sometimes. I was in my local shop this morning and I shop lifted wait for food. WTF Ruby?
I have no idea why I did this, I had money so it wasn't lack of funds. I fear it is now an addiction, the feeling of walking out of the shop is a real adrenaline rush. But I am not naive, I know I will be caught eventually and I live in a small town so it would be humiliating. I need to get this behaviour under control and fast. Help!!

But what I really wanted to write about today was regrets. If you could go back in time would you change anything about your life? When I was younger I would have jumped at the chance to change alot of things but today I'm not so sure. Yes drug addiction and ed have had devastating consequences on my life but they have also had good effects on my life as weird as that sounds, the number one thing being the people I have met along the way. The people I have met in treatment centres and hospitals have been the kindest, most caring, talented and sensitive people I have ever met and I would not have met these people otherwise. Also the people I've met through this blog and over the internet have been so supportive and I'm blessed to have found you. My illness  have made me the person I am today and on the whole I do try to be a good person and do the right thing (excluding shoplifting). I'd like to think I'm a caring person who does her bit to help others.
The one thing that I would like to change is the stress and worry I've caused my family. They have endured more than their fair share of hurt and pain. I suppose I can right that by giving them peace of mind today although I know they still worry alot. Apart from that I don't think I would change anything, I do believe that everything happens for a reason even if the reason isn't always clear at first. I'd love to know if you would change anything given the chance.

My weight was down this morning, only slightly but it's still moving in the right direction. I'm considering posting some photos. Would anyone be interested in seeing them? It would be a huge thing for me to do that  but I'd be willing if people would like to see them. I know I haven't posted my weight in a few weeks but I will be posting it very soon. I was also wondering what you consider skinny, do you have a fixed goal weight for yourself? Or is it a moving target like mine. My lowest ever weight was 77lbs and I would love to break that weight even if it is just by a pound of two. When I was at that weight I had no idea how skinny I was but looking back at photos I looked ill, like an old woman. Losing weight was so easy back then and I think it gets harder to starve the older I get, it must be that my body is fighting back and won't let me fast.

Anyway, hope this post finds you all happy and healthy,

Much love,

Ruby xxx


  1. Hey hun, I hope you are well today, maybe its just becoming a habit because its easy to do??

    I regret alot of things I have done in the past.. I am happy that you are somewhat at peace with your past, I regret all the alcohol I drank - because it made me do alot of stupid and humiliating things.. I regret losing my virginity to the guy I lost it to, I regret the relationships I have had and the stupid situations I have gotten myself into, I regret eating alot, all those times where I was at my thinnest and then threw that all away. I regret alot of things, I especially regret the bad decisions and the lack of self respect I had, and hurting and lying to my bf. I regret all the anxiety I caused my parents when I was young..

    I guess we all regret things, I try not to dwell on the past, and I accept that whats done is done, and the fact that I need to concentrate on the here and now and being a better person.

    Post photos if you feel comfortable to do so and sure that you are protected from those who you want to remain anonymous to, if you feel like you want to do so or select a few people who you feel most comfortable with to do so via email. whatever you decide I would consider it an honour to see your photos and wish you all the best.

    Much love, Always xxx

    1. hey hun,

      Thanks for your comment and you are so right the shoplifting is a habit, one I nee d to break.

      Hope you are well today, you seem to be in good form,

      Lots of love to you xxx

  2. Hi Ruby, how are you?

    I think most people have regrets. I sure have many.

    I'd like to see some pictures of you, if you feel comfortable.


    1. Thanks Trilian,

      I think you're right, most people have some regrets,
      Hope your well today,

      Much love x

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  4. Yay for your weight being down today! I find myself stealing things sometimes too although I have the money. I don't think I would go back and change anything. They have all made me the person I am today, whether it's good or bad. Stay beautiful.

    1. Hey Katie,

      That's great you have no regrets, I kinda feel the same way too, the good and the bad have made me aswell,

      Much love x

  5. Congrats on the loss. I trully believe everyone has an inner klepto. I'm just too shit scared of getting caught, but my friend always steals random things, the other day it was chocolate croissants. :) :) You have strength Rubs. Xo

  6. I think I would change getting caught for shoplifting! Er.. wait, I would change the shoplifting part! I wouldn't do it. I'd change what happened to me when I was 15. I'd change the fact that I had to repeat my last year, but didn't finish it. I wish I could say I wouldn't change a thing, but I'm that kind of person... Although, I know that so many of the bad things have brought me to the people I love today.. but, I believe I would have been brought to them some other way, if not this way...

    I would love to see pics of you hun x

  7. Oh and trust me.. it is *def* harder to starve as you get older.. and so much harder to even shift the weight, I used to lose so easily when I starved when I was younger, I plateaued SO bad recently, I was convince I couldn't lose weight anymore! I just had to get off my ass and exercise! Lol.. I've never had to do that before =/ so yeh.. I think age is a factor x

  8. Your post for the past couple of days how been awesome. I mean you are asking great questions and I love that.

    I am glad to hear that you are doing well. I know there is something about seeing the scale going down. I just hope the doc wont mind.

    Yes my dream number is constantly moving. I remember once it was 130lb then 115 then 160, then 130lb again, then 150 and now I am at 120lb. I have been thinking about going as low 104 but I want to see what I look like like at 120lb first.

    Age is a huge factor. I have sadly noticed as I got older that is seeming impossible to drop weight. I do have to say at least my skin is coming back instead of hanging extra skin.

  9. I used to shoplift, but I don't react well to adrenaline :/ I go all weird and shaky, dead giveaway. You should take up skydiving instead :p

    As you get older you stop growing (which takes a lot of calories) and after about 40 or so you start losing muscle mass, which slows your metabolism. I haven't noticed anything like that yet, thank goodness, but I've definitely noticed I can't party until 3am and go to work at 10am like I did in my late teens. It's only been 5 years! I should still be able to! Not fair, nature. Not fair at all!

    Ugh I got that feeling too, it sucks so hard. If I take it too early it makes me too tired to get to bed ffs! With medications that cause drowsiness and lethargy like that I reckon they should tell you take them at night in the first place. Oh:For the first few weeks don't schedule any morning workouts. You'll be feeling pretty leaden for the first two hours or so, depending on when you took it. Coffee=Godsend XD

    Take care <3

  10. I'm so glad you wrote about this. Thank you for asking me about shoplifting the other day. it is so hard to stop doing. It's the thing I perhaps hate most about myself, hate most about the eating disorder. It felt like the last straw because even my values had been stolen by it then. I don't do it well, I shake and tremble too, but have gotten away with it far too many times. The first time was a mistake that showed me how easily I could do it, perhaps I'd go back and wish I could get caught that first time to stop it ever becoming a habit.
    My goals always went down too, my last was just to be gone. They are never enough sadly. I've learnt that the 'best' anorexic is dead. It's not a path you can take and hope to live.
    *hugs* Great posts and very brave of you xxx

  11. When I was about a 3 months into my recovery I also developed some klepto tendencies! I think the biggest part of it was because I used to steal to support my drug habit. I used to do housesitting as a part time way to earn money, and every house I sat I had this urge to steal things, and stupid things too! like cheap bead bracelets? LOL. It is odd but I'm sure you will get through it ;). I dont really know what I consider skinny on myself and I guess thats the problem with ED. I can look at someone and say theyre skinny, the same doesnt apply to me though.


Thank you for leaving some love x