Thursday, 31 May 2012

What goes down must come up

Good morning my lovelies,
I hope this post finds you well today,

The hot weather has broken here, mist hangs heavily on the mountains.

I'm seeing Mary today, no doubt she will weigh me. I don't need her to though, I already know the damage.
I'm up almost a pound. It;s hard enough to weigh when I'm alone never mind when I have an audience.
The gain sucks, I was almost back at my safe weight too,  my body is like 'nooooooooo I won't lose weight, I won't do it' like a small child in a tantrum. I think it's time for a good old fashioned fast, yes why not, let's do it.

I had a thought yesterday and it struck fear into my heart. What if I'm like this forever? What if I never get well.
I thought about my parents. I moved back in with my mother about 5 years ago and I'm very much dependent on her and my dad who lives about an hour away. They are both in their 60's and not getting any younger and I thought what will happen to me if they're gone and I'm still sick. What if they never get to see me well and I never get to repay them for all they've done for me. My mother had a serious talk with me recently, she told me that when they die they are going to appoint a carer to look after me. I was shocked and I didn't feel it was necessary but I guess the truth is I would need someone to help me. It scares the shit out of me that I might end up completely alone with this illness, that's exactly what anorexia wants, for me to be alone and sick, she wants me dead I think. My weight is not critically low at the moment but I don't think it's as much about the weight as the mental state I'm in. I was equally sick at 130lbs as I was at 77lbs. It's unimaginable to think I might rot away here on my own with this illness. You would think that this would motivate me to get well and yet here I am starting another fast. Ay ay ay
But my parents shouldn't have to look after me, I'm a grown woman ( even if I do feel like a child) I'm the one who should be looking after them. Do any of you feel like this?

Sorry, I didn't mean for this post to be so depressing but I just had to get that out of my head. What I really wanted to know is if you consider yourself ill or is this a choice you've made?
I sometimes get confused with this question, I know I didn't invite anorexia in to my life, I wasn't even aware I had it for the first year. But I have made the choice to trigger myself and to relapse if that makes sense.
I look at eating disorder programmes and read books deliberately to trigger myself to lose weight.
Bulimia is a tricky one, obviously I made the choice to purge the first time but now it feels out of my control.
I binge and purge and it feels like I'm possessed, that's not to take the responsibility away from me but that's the way it feels.

Anyway I digress.
I'm off to meet Mary so I will let you know how I get on,
Wish me luck,

Much love to you xxx


  1. Good luck hun, try not to feel too bad, much love xx

  2. Thanks sweetie, I appreciate the support xxx

  3. Good luck sweetheart. You will get better. I have faith in you =)

  4. Thanks Katie, that means a lot xxx

  5. No that is kind of sad. A carer? I had to go back and reread that.

    I hope you are not like this forever. I know most people that have recovery from an ed say that it is never fully gone even if they recovered.

    Then I think about that one lady who was on Oprah. She never recovered from her ed. She almost did 1 time but she gave up and said it was too hard. I mean it was awful she was crying and everything.

    I hope things go well at your appointment today.

  6. I suppose that would be the worst case scenario and they just want to be prepared. It's not that I can't look after self but when I get really sick I do need some help.

    Thanks for your comment x

  7. I'm glad your parents are looking to the future, hopefully you will not need the carer but at least that option is there and gives you all some peace of mind. I really regret my dad never knowing me well. That he died still worried about me. I'll never forgive myself for that.
    I think having a family appointed carer would be better than if you got very sick, having a state appointed one. A family one might be more inclined to know you and care FOR you and about what YOU want. I spent over ten years on an involuntary treatment order and lost control of everything including my own body and it was horrible.

    It always shocks me that in countries where you use pounds, you all get so upset about gaining a pound.. I guess it's easier for us to see it in perspective because we freak out at kilos or part thereof, but a pound is far far far less than you guys realise!! Our bodies can vary by a few kilos in just a day.


Thank you for leaving some love x