Good morning my lovelies,
I hope this post finds you well today,
The hot weather has broken here, mist hangs heavily on the mountains.
I'm seeing Mary today, no doubt she will weigh me. I don't need her to though, I already know the damage.
I'm up almost a pound. It;s hard enough to weigh when I'm alone never mind when I have an audience.
The gain sucks, I was almost back at my safe weight too, my body is like 'nooooooooo I won't lose weight, I won't do it' like a small child in a tantrum. I think it's time for a good old fashioned fast, yes why not, let's do it.
I had a thought yesterday and it struck fear into my heart. What if I'm like this forever? What if I never get well.
I thought about my parents. I moved back in with my mother about 5 years ago and I'm very much dependent on her and my dad who lives about an hour away. They are both in their 60's and not getting any younger and I thought what will happen to me if they're gone and I'm still sick. What if they never get to see me well and I never get to repay them for all they've done for me. My mother had a serious talk with me recently, she told me that when they die they are going to appoint a carer to look after me. I was shocked and I didn't feel it was necessary but I guess the truth is I would need someone to help me. It scares the shit out of me that I might end up completely alone with this illness, that's exactly what anorexia wants, for me to be alone and sick, she wants me dead I think. My weight is not critically low at the moment but I don't think it's as much about the weight as the mental state I'm in. I was equally sick at 130lbs as I was at 77lbs. It's unimaginable to think I might rot away here on my own with this illness. You would think that this would motivate me to get well and yet here I am starting another fast. Ay ay ay
But my parents shouldn't have to look after me, I'm a grown woman ( even if I do feel like a child) I'm the one who should be looking after them. Do any of you feel like this?
Sorry, I didn't mean for this post to be so depressing but I just had to get that out of my head. What I really wanted to know is if you consider yourself ill or is this a choice you've made?
I sometimes get confused with this question, I know I didn't invite anorexia in to my life, I wasn't even aware I had it for the first year. But I have made the choice to trigger myself and to relapse if that makes sense.
I look at eating disorder programmes and read books deliberately to trigger myself to lose weight.
Bulimia is a tricky one, obviously I made the choice to purge the first time but now it feels out of my control.
I binge and purge and it feels like I'm possessed, that's not to take the responsibility away from me but that's the way it feels.
Anyway I digress.
I'm off to meet Mary so I will let you know how I get on,
Wish me luck,
Much love to you xxx