Thursday, 12 July 2012

Ignorance is bliss

I'm just back from seeing Mary
The first thing I saw when I walked in to the room was the dreaded scale
Usually she leaves the weigh in until the end of the session but today she decided to get it out of the way before I'd even sat down
I can't tell you how much I wanted to look down at the number but I couldn't risk the fallout that would happen if I had gained
I'm on my own this week and after my meltdown last week after being weighed, I couldn't risk it again this week and then have to go home to an empty house with 3 weeks worth of meds
Bear  in mind I maintained last week so I shudder to think what my reaction would be if I had gained
Ignorance is bliss

So I told her about my week, how my mood had plummeted but didn't confess to having suicidal thoughts
I told her about having been 2 weeks purge free but then broke out on Tuesday and purged 6 times
Tuesday was a perfectly normal day
I had absolutely no warning that  binge was in the post
It was literally a split second decision
One minute I was fine and the next thing I knew I was raiding the presses for food like a heat seeking missile
I binged and purged 6 times over the next few hours
I can trace it back to the previous day
I took 3 anti anxiety meds so I could sleep for the day
Yes I took the olanzapine that I swore I would never take again
I just wanted a break from the black thoughts I was having and sleep was the only way to stop the dark and negative tape that was playing on repeat in my head
I don't know for sure but I suspect it could have been the meds that awoke my ravenous appetite
Thankfully I am back on track now
If anything this slip just showed me how sick I am of the binge/purge cycle and never want to go back there

Mary asked me to write down some long term goals
They included getting my eating under control, be independent, go back to education, travel, social life, have a relationship and a few others
She asked me what was stopping me from reaching these goals and of course the answer is my old sparring partners fear, anxiety and fear of failure
She pointed out that having regrets is a lot worse than having tried something and failed and that if you try you can't fail
I didn't want to say that my most important goal is reaching a new all time low weight
Ridiculous I know
I explained that I feel like I'm failing at my eating disorder when I engage with recovery
That I've been given this label of anorexia and I'm failing at being anorexic
She said that just like the number on the scale, anorexia is just a label and it does not define me
In my head I was shouting 'But it does, it does!!'
I often liken my relationship with my eating disorder to an abusive relationship
Just like an abuser anorexia grooms you and lures you in with promises of happiness, thinness and success, then when you are captive it shows you it's true colours and the cruelty begins
When you try to get away from your abuser or eating disorder it tries even harder to get you back into it's clutches, promises you that this time will be different
I feel like I am at that stage now, I'm trying to escape but the promise of being thin and happy is so very hard to resist

My goals for next week coincide with preparations for the wedding
Buy some new clothes which I've been putting off for weeks
I have to get some stuff for Italy but I would rather eat my own foot than go clothes shopping at the moment
But I have to so I will make myself go
Maybe I'll feel better about the trip if I have some nice clothes
Also I need to get my hair done, also something I've been putting off
I just hate having to sit in front of a mirror for 2 hours while trying to make small talk
I know I will feel good after doing these things but the thoughts of doing them is enough to drive me to drink
Italy is getting closer and closer and I need to get these things done

With that said I was wondering if any of you fashionistas out there have any suggestions as to what sort of clothes would be good for Italy
I'd really appreciate any advice on this as I don't know where to start and even thinking about it makes me anxious
I want to be comfortable but also look good

Hugs and kisses x


  1. I'm sorry Tuesday was bad for you hon :/ Sometimes ignorance is bliss. As far as clothes for Italy, try light fabrics that are flowy. They'll be cool and flattering, seeing as they won't be so constricting. Try to go for maxi dresses, they're flattering on everyone and you really can't go wrong.

  2. Thank you sweetie for your suggestions x

  3. we were on our honeymoon in Rome last year around this time. And I tell you one thing.. IT'S HOT!!!!!

    So take things that breath, and keep you cool. So tank tops - tights - shorts, mini skirts ect :) Oh and flipflops in Italy hurt hehe so bring something comfy to wear :)

  4. That'a great advice Kitty, thank you x

  5. I like what you said about anorexia being like an abuser that "grooms" you...the daily habits that are so necessary to you seem outrageous to other people, but it's your comfort zone now and you can't leave it...

    I've been to Italy, you're so lucky to be going! Light clothing is a must, but so is a camera :]

  6. I completely forgot that the meds who help make you want to binge. Darn it. It's okay. I am sure soon you be hoping right back on the horse and taking control.

    I am glad the meeting went pretty okay today for the most part. That is good. Wow your trip is coming up pretty soon.

    Talk to you later, take care.

  7. I'd say shorts, if they're not out of the question... or some nice skirt. And bright in color ^^.

    Stay strong honey, it's a bitch to cope with - but who cares to listen bitches?

    1. Thanks Tatyana, I'll definitely be wearing lots of colour x

  8. I love you ruby. My binge destroyed two days because it happened from 10pm-3am so i am in an epicaly horrific mood. How long can we last like this before suicidal thoughts get unbearble. sorry if uve said before, but when/how long were u inpatient for? Im scared about not being inpatient bt more scared i will be.

    love u xx

  9. I was in inpatient 3 times, once for 5 months, once for 3 months and once for 4 weeks but I never completed the programme.
    It is definitely worth doing though if you feel you're not getting enough support at the moment. I think it takes months rather than weeks to build a good foundation in treatment to begin recovery and it's great to have support 24 hours a day.
    I hope you consider it, you deserve the best possible chance at getting well. Living this way is so physically and mentally draining, there has to be something better to live for.

    I love you too,

    Take care of you x

  10. I'm so proud of you for avoiding look at the number. Denying the enemy a weapon to use on you :)

    I hate that Monday and Tuesday were so bad for you. I can't sleep to escape the badsadmad thoughts so I resort to MLP:FiM and anime to distract myself. Practising a second language eats all your brainpower and leaves nothing left to dwell on badsadmad thoughts, and the relentless cuteness bring out reluctant smiles.

    I'm re-reading the Harry Potter series right now, and this quote popped up on my Tumblr dash. Really applicable to us:
    There are also a lot of athlete-training ones that come up that also have a surprising application to battling a mental illness.
    Remember that the "thin AND happy" line it feeds you is bullshit. You know it, the disorder knows it too. We'll be thin and miserable and never ever see thin enough and that fucking asshole will feed on us till we're rather gruesome-looking corpses.

    Lets all hold on together. Who knows, maybe this fall is really a skydive or a bungy jump and we've got elastic ropes or parachutes to save our necks from this recklessness and turn it into a grand adventure. Something along the lines of Frodo's quest to destroy the One Ring. Not something you'd do for fun, obviously, but something you've experienced that has given you reserves of strength the people at home in the Shire can't even begin to dream of.

    Italy? My goodness. I haven't a clue. Whatever you pick make sure it's something that makes you look good and that you feel comfortable in. Comfortable clothing=feeling better=more confidence=more awesome.

    Love you so much. Many many e-hugs from Down Under <3


Thank you for leaving some love x