Saturday, 14 July 2012

Surfing the crimson wave

My mother is back from her week away
I have to admit I enjoyed the solitude and my eating disorder had a field day
Perfect conditions for it to thrive, house to myself, no one coming home, no visitors, no worrying about people hearing me purge, no one to challenge me on how little I've eaten
And because I was alone I could do what I pleased
Thursday was binge city, population me
Yesterday I just wanted a break from my eating disorder so I took a double dose of methadone and the same of anti anxiety meds
I slept most of the day
Today I'm trying to get back on track
I cooked dinner for my family as they arrived home
I've actually done a lot of cooking this week
A lot of cooking but very little eating
There's something comforting about chopping and peeling and the aroma of herbs
I made the weight watchers 0 point soup on Monday but ended up throwing most of it out on Thursday
I am weird in that I find bulkier foods harder to eat than foods you can feel in your stomach
For example I would find a plate of veg harder to eat than say a chocolate bar even though the chocolate had way more calories
It's the feeling of fullness that I can't stand and this is why I purge so much

I had an unexpected guest arrive yesterday
I got my period, albeit very light but it is there
It was a bit of a shock because I haven't had a period in almost 10 years and had nearly forgotten what it's like to have a period
You would think that I would be delighted to menstruate again, that it's an indicator that everything is working properly with my reproductive system
But I have to admit I was bitterly disappointed to see it
Because I often doubt that I am really sick, amenorrhoea was a tangible sign that I was sick
Getting my period is a sign that my body is starting to recover  and that is scary
I should probably be jumping for joy, happy that I am able to bear children
But I can't deny that  I feel desperately unhappy
My body is crying out for food, for nourishment but my mind is still very much entrenched in my illness
My body is starting to recover but my mind is still so very sick
It's an endless tug of war
Mu body is demanding to be fed, craving recovery but my head is still not sure that's what I want
I feel like I'm torn in two opposite directions
My sick mind wants one more shot at getting to an all time low weight
Just like drugs I am craving one more hit
But I know there's is no such thing as just one more
As they say in NA, one is too many and a thousand never enough
This is so true, I know that I will never be satisfied with the number on the scale

Also having my period is a sign that I am a woman
I've never been comfortable calling myself a woman as I've always felt like a child inside
Part of my eating disorder is a fear of growing up, wanting to stay in a childlike state
My fear of growing up is mainly a fear of failure
Fear of responsibility
Fear of not being able to hold down a job
Fear of letting others down
Fear of letting myself down
Fear of failing at life
So to not have to deal with these fears I cling to my childhood, remain in a childlike body
Now getting my period I can not deny that I am a woman
Although I don't look like a woman and am often asked for ID when I'm buying cigarettes

To be honest this makes me want to restrict even further, to claim back my childhood state
Although I know I can not remain a child forever, I have to grow up at some stage
I guess if I had more belief in myself, more self confidence, I wouldn't be so afraid to take on life's challenges
I doubt my ability and beat myself up for the smallest little thing
I need to realise that if I try then I can never fail
I need to believe in myself more
Believe that I'm just as good as everyone else
That no one is better than me
That I am ok just the way I am
When I was younger I was so eager to fit in that I used to take on other peoples accents
If I was in Dublin I would put on a Dublin accent
If I was in London I'd put on an English accent
Sad I know but I just wanted to be like everyone else and be liked
I need to realise that different is ok, different is interesting
And also it's ok if someone doesn't like me
I don't like everyone so why do I think that everyone should like me
It doesn't mean there's something wrong with me or that I'm not good enough
I am good enough, just the way I am
Maybe if I say it enough times I'll start to believe it

With all that said, have you ever lost your period and then have it come back again?
How did you deal with it?
I'd love to know if you were happy about it or unhappy

Have a great weekend,

Much love x

16 comments:

  1. I've never lost my period, the only time I ever missed one was a pregnancy scare which I will never know if it was caused by a pregnancy/miscarriage or just by the contraception pill deciding to work the month after I stopped taking it.
    I can imagine it's a large part of your eating disorder to leave behind, after a decade of this side effect it will be unnerving to be so 'healthy' when you're mentally not there yet. Anyone would freak out.
    I hope you're okay.

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    1. Thanks sweetie, I will be ok x

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    2. Thanks sweetie, I will be ok x

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  2. I lost my period when I got my birth control implant, nearly a year before my ED broke into full swing. I'm getting it replaced in a couple of weeks, and I'm so scared I'll get my period back. I havent had one in three years, and I do not want them back! I don't want to be so womanly anymore.

    All my love
    xxBella

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    1. I feel the same Bella,

      Hope you're ok x

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  3. I can relate to what you said about wanting to remain in a child-like state. I've always hated everything about my body ever since puberty, including the periods. I'm always quite happy to lose my period...I never intend on having children anyway, I always tell myself. It really is difficult to let go of that mind frame after years of living with an eating disorder. But, I think a good sign of progress would be the time where you do finally see yourself as a woman rather than a girl, since way either are meant to look are vastly different.

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    1. I guess I'm afraid of growing up, I'm glad you could relate x

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  4. mine went and came back and i was devastated. i hate it, i don't want it, i totally understand. the same reasons, the healthiness, the woman state, i hate it, i hate it all!! maybe you'll come to be okay with it? or if not try to think that you have the power to get rid of it again if you really need to, although that would mean you were getting sicker, which i wouldn't want because i love you - commenting on these is quite difficult isn't it, i'm torn because i totally understand and if i were talking to myself i would be saying something different, but the difference is i like you, not myself, and i want you to be okay. i dont mean to sound hypocritical, do you understand what i mean?

    love xxx

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  5. Of course I understand, I always have that problem commenting on peoples blogs. I don't even know if I can call it a proper period as it seems to have stopped now.

    Hope you're ok,

    Love you lots x

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  7. hun, do you see a gynecologist on a regular basis? pls do - this bleeding can be anything, even a cyst, so please please have it checked and an ultrasound sweetheart!

    xxxxx

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  8. Triggered by feeling full because you prefer to starve. *hugs* I prefer the slightly bulkier low-cal stuff coz it keeps the hunger at bay for fewer calories. It's probably because for me the feeling of hunger isn't a "reward" for controlling your stomach but reminds me of being deliberately starved by Mum as a punishment. (She didn't do it often, but enough for the message to sink in. Hunger is torture for an active tomboy)

    Your mind is craving that "last hit" that will kill you, or else it will continue on in a series of "just one more"s until you're dead anyway. This is the Bossfight, take that fucker down.

    Who says being physically a woman means you have to "grow up" and "be mature"? Come past the deli and referee our sanitiser squirty-bottle fights one night or ask Bossman about his frozen-chicken-bowling stories :p

    The only way you can fail at life is to never try. The only way you can let yourself down (TBH: Fuck the opinions of others) is to never actually attempt anything. Simple as that.

    Regressing back into childhood and dependence is something that terrifies me. My parents treat my enresthomed grandparents like shit, and I fought so fucking long and hard to get out of the abusive shithole that was the familial nest that going back there terrifies me so much that I continue this useless charade of being "ok". I'd rather eat a live spider than go back there.

    If everyone was the same life would be boring as hell. If everyTHING was the same then life itself would have died out billions of years ago. Variety is the spice of life. Everyone likes people who are different from them simply because they're not familiar and thus boring.

    You're better than everyone else, because you are you. You're the only person qualified to be you, and you should show the world just how fucking good you are at being as as being you. If they don't like you then they aren't worth knowing in the first place. Don't waste your energy worrying about haters. They know that you're better than them which is why they waste so much energy on trying to bring you down. Let them waste their time on bitching and moaning and just cruise on and be awesome.

    I've never lost my period or had to regain it. I like the excuse to enjoy a mostly-guilt-free choccy bar once a month. Lol, the first day of my period is the only time I allow myself a "naughty day" (Comfort eater therefore food is a reward not a punishment. Woof woof) I do love how the extra muscle activity of the first few days of uterine contractions gives my metabolism a bit of a boost ^.^; Just have to remember that the extra oestrogen will turn any PMS binges right into fat for baby-growing (DO NOT WANT BEBBEHS)

    Much love and many equator-spanning hugs <3

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  9. Awh thanks Peri, your comments never fail to make me chuckle,
    You are so right variety is the spice of life, I'm going to embrace the quirks and characteristics that make up the big weirdo that is me.

    Sending a big hug and lots of love right back atcha x

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  10. I never lost my period, well ex from now that I am pregnant - but it is due to normal reasons.

    I am afraid, I can not relate to being childlike thing.. I never had the chance to be a kid, not even at a young age.. So I guess I don't really know what it means/feels like to be one.

    Take care of you hon <3

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  11. Thanks Kitty, take care of you too x

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Thank you for leaving some love x