Monday, 16 July 2012

Lucky escape

I think I spoke too soon about getting my period back
It was very light and only lasted a day
I have to admit part of me is relieved
Not menstruating means my body is still sick and the eating disordered part of me likes that
I know it is so very twisted of me to cling to my sick self but I'm not ready to let go just yet
I saw my doctor this morning and he weighed me which he rarely does
I didn't look as it is a different scale so the number would mean nothing
Also I couldn't take another gain
My mood has improved slightly and I don't want to spiral back down into depression caused by stupid little numbers on a scale
I didn't have the nerve to tell him that I've stopped taking my meds
I just didn't want to get in to a debate about it and it's easier to say nothing
The down side is I'm building up a stash of meds, even though I give them to my mother I know where they are
It's dangerous as the temptation is there to swallow them all if I feel the need to disappear

The Italy trip has crept up on me
We are leaving next Wednesday and the wedding is Friday
I'can't deny that I feel the urge to fast in a last ditch attempt to lose some  weight
The closer the trip is the more anxious I feel
I am a loner at heart and having to be around people, some of who I don't know, scares the shit out of me
I am at a loss as to how to handle the food situation
Do I eat like everyone else and purge?
Or do I play it safe and restrict?
Purging does not really appeal as we will be eating out a lot so that makes it difficult
Restricting is probably the better bet
People have suggested to me that I leave my eating disorder at home
How I wish it were that simple
Even if I did make the decision to try and eat 'normally', I'm sure my eating disorder would turn up unannounced having stowed away at  the bottom of my suitcase
The irony is I love Italian food, it's probably my favourite food but it's also food I avoid as I'm afraid I'll lose all control and won't be ale to stop eating
I'm going shopping tomorrow to pick up some clothes so hopefully that will make me feel a bit better
Who knows, maybe I am worrying for nothing and I'll have a fantastic time
I often find that the thoughts of something are a lot worse that the actual event itself

I heard on the radio last week that the town I used to live in now has one of the worst heroin problems in the country
I'm not surprised
When I live there and was using, I think me and the people I hung out with were some of the first heroin addicts in the area
There wasn't a regular supplier in the town at that time so we had to travel to Dublin which was an hour and a half away
We would get the bus up every second day or pay someone to drive us
I'm sure that has changed now and there are probably countless suppliers
Towards the end of addiction I would travel up to Dublin alone and stay in hostels or stay with people I had met on the street
I had zero self respect or self esteem and was so addicted I was doing unspeakable things for money
If I had no where to stay at night I would go home with guys just to have a place to sleep and of course they would expect something in return
In the beginning of my addiction I tried to set some boundaries for myself and promised myself that I would never do certain things for money or drugs
But then your body becomes do addicted to the drug that when you are sick you will do practically do anything for the drug
Stealing was a given, I would steal anything, clothes, jewellery, perfume, watches and sell it on
I used to sell alot of items to the travelling community
They would actually give me a shopping list of things they wanted
I remember they were always looking for Waterford crystal items for their homes
I was lucky in that I didn't look like a typical addict
I was a young girl with an innocent face and I used this to my advantage
Although it could also be a disadvantage as people would take advantage of me
I used my innocent face to manipulate doctors in to giving me prescriptions for morphine and valium
promising them that I would never use again
The first time I exchanged sex for money was a dark, dark day, one I'll never forget
I can remember everything about that day in vivid detail
I won't write about it now but I will someday
I don't like to think about it too much but sometimes the memory escapes from the box I've put in
I feel extremely lucky to have moved away from that town

Having thought that I had gotten my period back go me thinking
Do I want children?
It''s a strange feeling to ask myself this question as in a lot of ways I feel barely more than a child myself
I'm not sure if I want children, at the moment I can't even take care of myself let alone another person
And having a baby just in case I might regret not having one later on is no reason to have one
I watched a documentary last night called 'I'm pregnant and addicted'
It followed a couple who were recovering heroin addicts and both on methadone
She was 8 months pregnant
Her doctors advised her not to wean off the methadone while pregnant as it could have had awful consequences for the baby
She went in to labour but when the baby was born it didn't cry and then stopped breathing
They managed to stabilise the baby and said her problems were not related to methadone
Then they waited to see if the baby went in to methadone withdrawal
There was a 60 - 90% chance the baby would be addicted to methadone
48 hours later the baby went in to withdrawal
It was heartbreaking to see the baby in such distress and of course the mother felt incredibly guilty
They treated the baby with morphine and in the end she was ok
It brought home to me how addictive methadone is
I've taken it for so long now, 7 years, that I don't even think about it anymore
I take it each and every morning with a cup of tea
If I didn't take it I would go in to severe withdrawal within 48 hours
Some say methadone withdrawal is even worse than heroin withdrawal
It's a double whammy, mental and physical torture
Every inch of your body hurts, from your hair to your toenails
Your freezing cold one minute then boiling hot the next
You will throw up and have diarrhoea
You will toss and turn in your bed, it's impossible to get comfortable
You will be so exhausted but insomnia will not allow you to sleep
Mentally you feel like you are going insane
This could last for up to a week
I agree with methadone maintenance as it has helped me to stay clean but I don't agree with being left on it for years and years
I would like to be off it within a year
Here's hoping

Thanks for reading,

All my love x


  1. Hey Ruby Rube x

    Yet another post that makes the hairs on my arms stand up, If you ever wrete a book about your life, I would buy it.

    Wish we didnt have periods! Mine is two days late... pregnant? no, due to the way I have been eating? maybe.

    Enjoy Italy and the wedding :) xx

  2. Thanks Kate, I'll try my best to enjoy it x

  3. I really hope you can find a middle ground when you have your trip to Italy and that you can enjoy the wedding without food being in the way.

    The story about the baby really breaks my heart. I think as a soon to be mom I couldn't really handle seeing my baby going through something like that.. :( I probably couldn't watch any baby go through it :S I don't think I would even be able to watch the show..

    take good care hon <3

  4. Thanks Kitty, take care of you too x

  5. I've only recently stopped using my period as an indicator of my health because I've lost it at a relatively "normal" weight as well (stress; hormones). I've known some people who have lost it while being overweight as well. So, just because it's returned, it doesn't mean you're fully there yet, physically. Your disorder is just grasping at whatever it can find to scare you back in your hole.

  6. Hey hun.. I am sorry you are feeling down at the moment.. I never really had periods growing up as my ED started when I was about 11.. I got one at 15 and then one at 16.. and then after that it would come maybe once every 6 - 8 months. My weight fluctuated I ranged from normal BMI to an Anorexic BMI.. but I know what you mean.. the less periods I saw the more successful I felt at being a "valid" anorexic - as silly as that sounds.. But I dont use it as an indicator any more because it really is very unreliable and as Ex Anima said - it can stop for a great manner of things.. stress, hormones, medication, etc..
    I hope you pick up some lovely clothes.. Lots of love as always sweety. Dont think about Italy too much, distract yourself, once you are there you will have a well deserved good time.. I usually worry about things and over think everything but once I am there it is fine..

    Love you! x

    1. Thanks Rayya, I'm trying not to think about it too much but it's hard as it's all anyone is talking about, who knows maybe I'll have the time of my life, here's hoping!

      Love you too x

  7. Hi Ruby,

    continue to be honest with yourself about how conflicted you feel of leaving ED. Remember, it is gradual process. No one expects you to be able to handle all aspects of life immediately. How sad it is when we think of it, how we've become dependent on such a destructive force. It is posssible to change both how you act and how you think through hard work, and I know you are strong enough to go through hell in order to get back to life.

    Do you ever feel like you live in the present? The here and now.
    Often it seems as if your thoughts shift between memories from the past and concerns for the future. Do not let what might happen in the future prevent you from eating properly + taking care of your life today.
    Your mind has close to agreed with itself that this trip will be either purge or restrict - are you able to prepare yourself to find a middleground? Be open about your worries with your therapist, see if you can find some "healthy strategies". If there is someone you can trust that is also attending the wedding, share your strategy with him/her and let this person be your ally against the demons within.

    You deserve to enjoy the wedding, hey - you deserve to enjoy life in general. It is not as easy as to "just leave ED at home", as it occupies a space within us. But you do not have to let it control you, it is possible to not act on urges.

    Sending you love and strength,

    1. Thank you Hedda,

      You are right, I do tend to fly between the past and the future and forget all about the present. I find it hard to enjoy the here and now.

      After I had written this post I did wonder if there was a middle ground between purging and restricting and I am trying to find it.
      I am lucky in that my family all know I'm worried about this trip and they don't put pressure on me at all.
      I'm going to try my best to enjoy this trip and it's not all about me, it's about my cousin h=whose getting married so I want to be there for her.

      Sending love right back atcha x

    2. You're such a beautiful soul, Ruby.

      I'll be with you in spirit - this trip can be an opportunity to prove to ED that you are strong enough to oppose it. It has no right to destroy your life. None.

      Be kind with yourself. Progress, not perfection.


  8. lovely blog, followed.
    follow back x

  9. They gym scales mean nothing to me too. Not "real" scales, so the number doesn't count.

    Moving away from the place where the drug usage has become endemic and nearly a "normal" thing to do was very strong and brave.

    I personally do not want kids. I have abusive parenting models and inheritable psychiatric problems. I wouldn't wish that on a child at all.

    Omg that poor baby. I've heard about babies born addicted and having to go through withdrawal, but it's not that bigg of a problem here yet. (I say yet because it looks like people are tying to cash in on the success of P by introducing those drugs the gangs decided not to bother with in the 60s and 70s as being too much hassle)

    Ed will inevitably hitch a ride, but you can tell him to go sit in the corner like the irritating, spoiled and abusive brat he is. He'll jump up and down and scream and cry and throw tantrums and call you every name under the sun to try to get you to listen to him, but ultimately he is WRONG and full of shit.

    Love you and I hope you have fun in Italy <3

  10. Hey ruby, sorry I haven't been around to comment much lately. Long story I will explain on my blog.

    Anyway I think it is okay to feel how you are feeling about the t.o.m I mean at least you know you can get it back and go on to have children in the future. That is if their is not too much damage done already. I know some prolonged effects can do that to you.

    Wow you are leaving next week! I am going to miss you so much already. Did you find a nice dress? I am sure whatever you have or find is going to look lovely on you. You must tell all about your trip to Italy. Try to enjoy yourself and relax :-)

  11. Good to hear from you Winter, hope all is ok x


Thank you for leaving some love x