Wednesday, 18 July 2012

Mission Of Nutrition

I finally went shopping yesterday to pick up some clothes for Italy
As I've said before I would happily eat my own foot rather than go clothes shopping
And because they are summer clothes, that makes it all the more difficult
So I dragged my reluctant self in to town yesterday accompanied by my mother although she is not the best person to go shopping with as she says everything looks lovely no matter what I look like
To my delight and surprise I got it all done very quickly and painlessly
I picked up some lovely stuff so that gives my confidence a bit of a boost
I was dreading having to try the clothes on having gained a few pounds recently and I chose the clothes in a couple of different sizes
Thankfully I still fit neatly into the smallest size
This time last year I was almost a stone lighter
I was very curious looking
My face was aged and withered beyond my years and my body resembled that of a little boy
I looked very strange to say the least
Yesterday I noticed that my shape has changed and I'm slowly developing soft curves
Surprisingly I'm not as horrified as I thought I would be
My face, now slightly plumper, no longer looks hollow and gaunt
I wouldn't go as far as to say I like my new shape but it doesn't disgust me either
Although I wouldn't like to gain any more weight, I need to become comfortable with this new body first
I'm nervous to do this but I'm including 2 photos of me in one of my new dresses
It's a big deal for me to do this as I'm sure you can imagine
Anyway, here goes....

Please excuse the bad quality, I'm no photographer!

My brother is over staying with us for a few days which is great as I get on really well with him
He is just back from a month long writers retreat in Spain
It was so hot there that he managed to sweat off a stone in weight
He is of slight build anyway so he is below 10 stone now
Even though it would never occur to me to worry about my own weight, I worry greatly when I hear others have lost a lot of weight
So I am on a Mission Of Nutrition
I am going to fatten him back up
Well maybe not fatten but help him to put back on some weight
Also I can eat vicariously through him
So I quizzed him on what food he most likes and set off to the supermarket
I bought lots of fresh veg and pasta to make a hearty homemade soup
Lots of fruit and a variety of nuts
And of course chocolate and biscuits for something a bit naughty
I have to admit I almost messed the whole thing up 
Having been shoplifting free for a month I relapsed today
I sneaked 3 packets of nuts in to my bag and paid for the rest of the items
I had no warning this would happen, it was by no means planned
It was completely impulsive
I am at a loss as to why I am doing this
It has nothing to do with money or not being able to afford the items
It's more about the adrenaline rush
I walked out of the shop and to my horror I heard an alarm go off
I began to walk faster but the alarm was getting louder and louder
My heart was thumping out of my chest and I was just waiting for a hand to grab my shoulder
I was too afraid to look back in case there really was somebody chasing me
I wanted to run but I didn't want to draw attention to myself so I walked as fast as my legs would carry me until I reached my car
Relief flooded through my body when I realised I was safe
But what if I had been caught?
The shame and embarrassment would have been overwhelming
Especially for stealing items that cost little more than 4 euro
I can't afford for this to happen again, I really can't
I managed to come through drug addiction without a criminal record, how stupid it would be to mess that up now
I remember them telling me in treatment that there is a link between eating disorders and shoplifting
I think it could be something to do with the shame of whatever your buying or the fear that someone will realise your going to binge and purge all this food
I would talk to Mary but I'm not seeing her until I come back from Italy
My luck will run out eventually
Any suggestions from you lovely ladies would be greatly appreciated

So I am going to spend today preparing and cooking for my brother
Is it wrong that I get immense pleasure from seeing others eat?
I'm also enjoying preparing food
There is something comforting about the rhythm and repetition of chopping vegetables
I was making weight watchers 0 point soup for myself but I've altered it to make it more calorie dense for my brother by adding oil and ribbon pasta
No doubt he will have no trouble gaining weight in Italy

Also having had 2 weeks purge free, the binge/purge monster is back in my life
I don't have the energy or inclination to do anything about it at the moment
Everything including recovery is on hold until I come back from Italy
I tried on my dress for the wedding last night expecting it to be tighter, maybe even uncomfortable
To my surprise it is too big but it's also too late to do anything about it now
I guess it's better to be too big than be too small
One week to go, the countdown is on

All my love x


  1. Oh no, the shoplifting :( I was hoping that wouldn't come back again. Oh, I completely live through other people eating. I love love love cooking and seeing other people enjoy it. I'm glad you're enjoying your brothers company. My brother isn't doing that great, he posted on facebook the other night some really bizarre things. It worries me but I know there's nothing I can really do.

    And that dress is so pretty! I can't see the print too well but it looks like birds, maybe? It's very cute. If you have a skinny waist belt, pair it with that and it will be absolutely darling. I'm glad the shopping wasn't too painful. Much love <3

    1. I'm sorry your brother isn't doing too well, I hope things get better.
      I'm going to put this shoplifting experience behind me and try to learn from it and move on.
      I'll try to remember that feeling of terror I felt when I thought I was caught.

      Good idea about the belt,

      Much love to you too x

  2. That dress is sooo CUTE! you did a great job with it :)

  3. OOOh Ruby Its lovely to read this post today.. :)
    I am so glad that you have your brother around, is it me or does it seem like your spirits are somewhat lifted..

    And may I just say: WOW! You look ever so lovely in that dress what a wonderful choice you made. It really is refreshing and you will knock your families socks off when they see you in it. You have a lovely figure Ruby darling.. Sometimes the hardest thing is being satisfied with what we have. I know we struggle to like what we see sometimes, but believe me when I say that you look absolutely astounding in the dress.. I do hope you have a lovely time in Italy.

    I am sorry that the b/p monster has reared its head again.. It must be hard having all that food around..

    And yes, I feel the same, cooking is therapeutic for me too, and I love to cook and have people enjoying the food I make. I love cooking for my bf and family so I can totally understand where you are coming from. Also I watched a show once and on it was a feature about a group of recovering anorexics.. and I remember them taking the group to make pizza.. and they mentioned that a common feature amongst many anorexics is an obsession or love of food. This resonates true with myself as I always have loved to cook - for others, not myself.

    Love you lots Ruby! <3 Take care of your beautiful self.. <3 x

    1. Hey my lovely,

      Yes you are right, my spirits have lifted some, I'm feeling hopeful again. Also not weighing myself is a 'weight' off my shoulders. It's also good for me to have my brother around, he is definitely a good influence.

      I think I saw that show, was is superskinny V supersize?
      I think it's on tonight actually

      Love you Rayya, thank you for your unwavering support x

  4. Ruby you are tinytinytiny. Like a little fairy.

    Don't beat yourself up too much about the shoplifting relapse. Of course it's not great at all but I feel like you were really getting somewhere and you can continue to do well if you set your mind to it, just like you have done with the ED and addiction.

    You're a very brave girl.

    Take care beautiful xxxxxxx

    1. Thank you Gabi,

      I wish I felt fairy like

      I definitely won't waste time beating myself up,
      Onwards and upwards as they say,

      Take care of you too x

  5. agree with gabby, nothing to add!


  6. It still seems like you have the right attitude for recovery, despite having gone back to the purging for now. I think resisting the urge will become easier for you down the line once you make the decision to start trying in earnest again. Having a positive environment helps too of course, and it seems like you have more of the right ingredients than the wrong ones for it to happen.

    I'm guilty of the cooking-for-others-but-not-eating-myself thing as well. It's strange... I even become personally offended if my mother in particular doesn't eat or finish what I cook even though I know she has disordered eating herself.

  7. I'm definitely in a more positive frame of mind to tackle recovery and yes I'm blessed to have good support from my family
    Here's hoping!!

    Thanks for your comment x

  8. You look so, so beautiful in that dress!!!

    And as far as the shop-lifting goes, a lot of us do it. And I think you're right about some of it having to do with the shame of what we're stealing, but the adrenaline also sort of acts as a hunger supressent I feel.

  9. you look absolutely stunning in that dress. I also love little dresses, but i must say they look lovlier on you :) its also a very big step to post a pic of yourself, that takes guts...

    1. Thanks Alice, it was a big deal to post the photo x

  10. You look beautiful Ruby! I can't even pull off flowers. I love shopping but I do have to be in the mood for it. Sounds like you got a lot going on today. Sounds like you are taking good care of business.

  11. It's the few really old and gaunt-looking middle ages women in my town that stop me from wanting to get to a BMI in the teens. They just look so nasty! Lol, vanity as a saving grace?

    You are so TINY! And those dresses are wonderful. I wish I could wear floral prints. The red just doesn't go with my skin :( Bitch I be so jelly my blood is pure pectin!

    Lol what you're doing to your brother we're trying to do to Kirk at work. He's supposedly put on a ton of weight since starting work, but that's just made him look like a starving african child and not a walking skeleton. He's not going to have much romantic luck until he's at a healthy weight, since from experience with my Ex I can say that fucking a sack of bones is in no way appealing. When I'm shagging a guy there is only ONE of his bones I want to feel poking me, kthnx! :p

    You've come too bloody far to take orders from shop goods. Picture your least-attractive mugshot on the wall and all the staff knowing you from it when you go back in. So not worth it. You're STRONGER and BETTER than those people! Don't let yourself be classified with them, you're way to good to be tarred with that brush!

    I can't say I'm feel any better off the meds. I don't miss the artificially increased appetite but I do miss the sleeping. Oh how I miss sleep. That's going to get me in the end, I think. A few more days and I'll be breaking in the doctor's office again begging for sleep or death. Charming, non?

    Lots of love and many hugs from Kiwiland <3

    1. Lol!! No hugging a skeleton is no fun at all

      I'm the same with my meds, I don't miss the hyperphagia (obsessive hunger) but I miss being able to sleep whenever I feel the need to escape. I'd say I used to sleep for half the week. So no oblivion for me but it's worth it not to be binging and purging so much.

      Sending you lots of love from wet and windy Ireland x

  12. Nice to finally know what you look like, you look lovely in that dress and know what you mean about being funny looking. My mum told me I looked like a freakishly tall 10 year old with an old lady's face... Now I think I look more like a normal person.

    As for the food thing, yeah I'm the same, I like feeding others, and cooking, and just being around food, but I refuse to eat it and get incredibly anxious/ guilty if I eat... I never cook for myself.

    I'm sorry to hear about the shoplifting :( I just hope it gets better!


  13. Thanks Aggy, yea it's nice to put a face to the blog.

    Hope all's going well in Singapore,

    Hugs to you x

  14. hey there! Thanks for the love on my blog. Eating disorders are such wretched beasts. The battle between wanting to be better and fear of letting it go seems to be never-ending.

    You look very cute (and very tiny) in your dress. I can also identify with the shoplifting, thing. I do it all the time, and am always in fear that I'm going to get caught. But can't seem to stop myself. Ah, well...

    Hope you have a good time with your brother!

  15. Your welcome!

    I'm sorry you also struggle with shoplifting, is it to do with your eating disorder? Mine is definitely part of my illness

    Thanks for the comment x

  16. Hey Ruby! You are so tiny! That's such a pretty dress too.
    Have fun in Italy :)
    Alice xx

  17. Hi ruby! are beautiful..m a recent follower of ur blog nd read ur previous posts..m sorry that u had such a tough time dealing with appears tempting but is such a sinking are so strong...nd yes i wish ur Italy trip turns out to be super happy and memorable :)!

    1. Hey Scarlett, Welcome!!

      Thanks for following x

  18. Im going to catch up on this post after work whn im nt using a phone for internt. just wantes to say ta for ur comments :-) i did that with diazepam. took 10 strong ones and slept for three days and missed the 1-3 of the year in doing so! My cpn thought i was gna have a heart attack wen i saw her on the 3rd late afternoon - i woke up and ran to not be late and the shock of running after three days shallow breathing, no food or water made my lips go blue and my skin white!!!guess the psych forgets u dnt drink if ur unconscious hey!! Xxx

  19. You're so beautiful honey and so so skinny... I'm sorry I haven't been around, I have just under a month left in England, once I'm home I will get back to being the blogger I once was! ;) lol

    I'm catching up on your diary now though, so I'm not gonna say too much on old entries *hugs and love* I have missed you SO SO much! xxx


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