Sunday, 1 July 2012

Nil by mouth

Things are changing in eating disorder land
I haven't binged or purged since Wednesday
I thought this was good at first as I haven't gone that long without b/p in years
Then I realised why I wasn't purging
I haven't felt the urge to which means I haven't eaten anything substantial
My appetite and interest in food and slowly but surely been decreasing since I stopped taking the olanzapine
Last weeks weigh in also triggered me
Then throw in this wedding that's coming up
The only thing I've eaten in the last 3 days is cup a soups
I remember exactly how many I've eaten which is not good
5 on Thursday
2 on Friday
7 yesterday
They are 43cals each
I've stopped eating my beloved twix bars
Haven't even wanted one
I'm slipping
I can feel it
Or am I?
Maybe I'm over reacting
I haven't weighed. I'll wait until I see Mary
My fear of food is back
I want it but I don't
I'm not sure what to do
Part of me wants to embrace it, to run to the empty feeling
But another part of me is terrified
This feeling is so seductive
Mary told me to tell her if my appetite decreased after stopping the olanzapine
Should I tell her?
There's no way I'm going back on it
No way in hell
I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow
He will no doubt suggest I keep taking it
How does that even make sense
It just makes me switch from anorexia to bulimia
Bulimia is invisible, they only react when my weight drops
I am so grateful to be away from the b/p
I had a path worn from my kitchen to my bathroom
But I'm not sure I want this either
Or do I?
I don't even know anymore
I was flirting with recovery, I was starting to feel good
This feels good too though
Really good
Should I be worried?
I'm not yet but maybe I should be
I've always swapped around my behaviours, replacing one with another
The purging has stopped, abusing my meds has stopped, shoplifting has stopped
Am I inserting anorexia in to the hole they left?

Watch this space I guess x


  1. Hey Ruby. You know your body and mind very well which is why you stopped taking that med anyway. I am still proud of you for putting your foot down.

    This is great that you have no binged or purged. Soon as you told me increased hungry I believe that is what you were experiencing. I mean all the night binges and constant hungry. Makes total sense. Anyway we have covered this before.

    Now that we have conquered that, next on the list is slowly opening the mind to new foods. No I am not talking high calorie foods, I'm not crazy lol. I am thinking healthy foods. Soup is a great start but you must be careful with that as well because of the sodium. Sodium likes to hold on to water for whatever reason but the calorie content in your soup is better than the soup I buy!

    Okay so some of the saf foods I eat ruby is romaine lettuce, cucumbers, pickles and carrots. After that the food content goes up. My string cheese ( 70 cal ) cashew peanuts ( 160 cal for I can't remember 1 or 2 ozs which is not a lot ) Then of course my meal replacement shake ( 80 cals )

    You are doing great Ruby. I don't think you are flirting at all with recovery. I believe you are trying but doing the things you know you need to do to move forward in that direction. Main reason why I didn't like that mean nurse you mentioned a while back.

    You have a great day Ruby. Reading this put a huge smile on my face :-D

  2. Thanks Winter, funny you mention carrots, was just thinking of them too, need to start eating other foods me thinks.

    You have a great day too x

  3. I am glad you're not purging anymore, but I think you should tell Mary about your loss of appetite.

    Also, well done with the shoplifting and telling your mum about it xx

  4. oh ruby I am sorry to hear this, but at least you know now that your bingeing was because of the pills, you didnt recover really - it was just the medicine causing your body to be hungry persistently. If Bulimia is what Olanzapine gives you then its not worth taking really. At least you know now for sure that you havent recovered from Anorexia and become bulimic as its still there. I would say its probably a good time to tell mary, maybe it would help to talk about how you feel about food to her? Also she may realise when your weight drops that your appetite has gone :\ take care of yourself - lots of love x

  5. Thank you Rayya, I will talk to her tomorrow, just not looking forward to it. Hope you're well sweetie,

    Lots of love to you too x

  6. I love you miss Ruby, maybe you're right, maybe you've swapped b/p etc. for anorexia again, even subconsciously. thats what happens over here is mandaland.

    what is your plan? mine is on a new page i made called project july that has 5 stages of 5 plans (including 'the genie's three wishes diet' that grants me 3 wishes to swap the traditional food plan for something i might be craving to stop a binge.)

    i found a way of reverting my blog from google+ to blogger itself, so hopefully it will update followers, i dont like google+ u cant see any of the blogs people write on their profiles.

    love you, let me know how u r? xxx

  7. I love you too sweet P.

    My plan is kind of out the window now that this is happening, whatever it is that is happening

    Yea I have always done that replacing drink for drugs for food for....

    I hope you are well and taking care of you,

    Love you x

  8. Is it a good feeling because it's familiar?

    I'm plunging in and on down to death. I really just want out and it's a slower way then my previously abused methods. A way to ensure I have enough time to complete the things I must.

    Take care of yourself, alright? Have some orange juice as well as the cup-a-soups. 5+ a day so you poop "naturally" (Ick but true)


  9. Yes it feels good because it's familiar.

    I'm so sorry you're struggling Peri, I wish I could help in some way.
    I know the feeling to want out, to disappear, you are so strong to hold on. Please hold a little bit longer.

    Funny you mention poop. I was severely constipated today. I felt like I had a bowling ball inside me and I couldn't for the life of me get it out. Then I had to go sit in a doctors waiting room for an hour, sideways as I couldn't put pressure on that area.
    I finally went a little while ago. The relief, oh the relief.
    I will definitely be adding in some 'poop moving' foods.

    Love you Peri, please hold on x

  10. Wow, it sounds like you're going through a tough time.
    And yes, it does sound like you've swapped bulimia for anorexia, although if your appetite really decreased as a result of going off the medication, maybe it'll shoot back up.
    One sort of convoluted way to look at this positively is that if your weight decreases dramatically because you stop eating then someone will notice and they will probably make you get help. I know you said treatment didn't do anything for you last time but at least while you're there you can't engage in ED behaviors.
    Either way, good luck! I can see that you're strong so I believe that you will find a way to help yourself. Let us know what happens!

    1. Thank you Emily, I hope to nip this behaviour in the bud but I know that's easier said than done. I will speak to Mary this week and see what she suggests. I hope she doesn't suggest treatment.

      I will keep you posted,

      Much love x

  11. I am glad you aren't purging. That said, I hope you will talk to the right people about the new eating (or not eating) habits..
    Try to take care of you hon!

    1. Thank you Kitty, I am glad not to be purging but wasn't banking on this happening. I will definitely speak to Mary this week.

      Take care of you too x

  12. Maybe you should tell her, idk. Somehow so that it's not too obvious how drastically it has dropped. I mean the way that she won't make you go on that pill again.

    Glad you're not purging or shoplifting ^^ makes me happy.

  13. Thanks Tatyana, I think I will tell her,

    Hope you're well x


Thank you for leaving some love x