Tuesday, 3 July 2012

Next Please

I haven't binged or purged since last Wednesday
Haven't even had an urge to binge or purge
I haven't gone this long in I don't know how long
It feels good
My intake is still poor
I think all the sodium in the soup is making me retain water so I've cut it down to 1-2 per day
I've also added in carrots and today I'm adding in parsnips
This cements my feeling that the olanzapine was contributing to my out of control appetite
I still can't quite believe I took it for so long without asking any questions or researching it properly
I guess because I was abusing it I didn't care
Olanzapine may work for some people but for me it most certainly didn't
My mood is still good and I have more energy but I've had some horrible physical symptoms in the last few days
Last Friday I  developed a severe migraine so bad that I could only lie in bed in a dark room and pray for relief
Yesterday morning I woke up to go to my doctors appointment at 9 and I felt all blocked up
It felt like there was something akin to the weight a bowling ball in my bowel but it was refusing to move. I missed my appointment because I was in such agony.
I finally dragged myself to the doctors surgery as I had to collect my methadone prescription
I sat side ways in the waiting room as I couldn't put pressure on the area
I watched the doctor call people in before me, 1,2,3,4,5
I was losing the will to live when I was finally called in
It wasn't my usual male doctor and I was glad to speak to a female doctor
She asked me if I wanted her to examine my 'back passage'
I have trouble exposing my arms and legs never mind my 'back passage'
I politely declined
She prescribed laxatives,  suppositories and said to come back if that didn't work and she would give me an enema
Suppositories reminded me of the scene in 'Trainspotting' when the Ewan Mc Gregor character used them and loses control of his bowels and ends up in a disgusting toilet
In the end the laxatives sufficed
I know methadone can contribute to constipation but I'm wondering if my sudden change in diet may be causing these physical symptoms
Answers on a postcard please
I know my diet is very limited at the moment but I'm just not hungry
I'm not craving sugar and carbohydrates like I used to crave heroin
I'm seeing Mary tomorrow and I will tell her and try not to play it down
I'll be interested to see what my weight is
I feel fat but then what's new

In the doctors waiting room I ran into a friend who told me that another friend is going to treatment today. She is bulimic but had been purge free for years
She relapsed recently
I haven't seen  this girl in a long time but we used to be close
I was surprised to hear this as she was always so strong and was always helping others
She used Overeaters Anonymous to get well and followed a strict eating plan, weighing and measuring all her food
I wasn't sure what to do so I sent her a text, I haven't heard back but I'm sure she's got a lot on her mind
It also scared me to hear this, that someone so stable could relapse
I guess it can happen to anyone
In meetings we are told never to get complacent about recovery, never to take it for granted
They say relapse happens long before you pick up a drink or drug or purge
It sneaks up on you then smacks you in the face
It is cunning, powerful and baffling
It also made me think of myself
Has relapse been sneaking up on me?
Am I now in anorexia relapse?
I hope this girl will be alright
I hope I'll be alright
It's sad that we were both going through this but didn't know about the other
So many people are suffering in silence with this illness
Silenced by shame and guilt and fear
Anorexia can be plain to see but bulimia is invisible
No one would ever know unless you told them
And how many actually do tell someone?

I was wondering about you
Have you ever experienced relapse, be it drink, drugs, anorexia, bulimia or anything else
How did you deal with it?

Thanks for reading this and as always much love x


  1. Thought I should leave some words here, Ruby.

    I understand that your life has been rough, and still is. Do not beat yourself up over everything that has happened, or think I should be able to do this or that. Accept yourself for who YOU are.
    Give yourself credit for each single step in the right direction - staying away from P/B for so long is GREAT. It really is.

    Relapses do sneak up on you, gradually evolving. I've experienced 3 relapses, but I am now healthier than I've been in 7 years. It is all about not giving up. To fall down doesn't mean you'll never stand tall again. I wrote a post about relapse - perhaps you could find some useful advice there.


  2. Thank you Hedda for reaching out,
    It's so true about relapse sneaking up on us
    I'm so happy to read that you are so healthy now, that gives me hope
    I will definitely read your post about relapse, you have great insight,

    Much love x

  3. I agree with Hedda completely! I've experienced numerous relapses already,but right now,I finally feel like I'm making REAL progress. I know I truly WANT recovery now,and I think that's what is making the difference.

    1. Thanks Kat,
      I want to want recovery if that makes sense
      I'm terrified of letting the eating disorder go and yet I don't want to be this way forever
      I feel like I'm in limbo x

  4. I had two and a half years ED free, then relapsed last year... For me the relapse was triggered by some stressful situations in my life (death of a friend, family fallouts, not getting on with my housemates...) I think it does happen sadly. Some people do relapse periodically throughout their lives.

    On the other hand, some people do recover from eating disorders and other addictions too. So I don't know... I think it all depends.

    I know if I'm not messing around with eating, I'm drinking too much, or overexercising, or self harming. I've always had this self destructive side to me... I feel I am sick whatever stage I am...

    I hope you're ok x

    1. Thanks Aggy
      Yes, I'm the same, I always have some sort of destructive behaviour on the go
      I am ok or I will be

      Hope you are too x

  5. finally read your post.. i think it may be your intake.. its gone from eating (albeit purging after) to not eating much. I tend to have slow bowel movements when I am hardly eating (not eating even)constipation can be painful and serious, so make sure you tell your doctor if this persists.. (oh dear i sound like a medicine leaflet)..

    Also relapse.. recovery.. none of them are certain, but they certainly cant be possible if we dont allow them to be. we can be lured into relapse so easily, yet recovery is a tough feat to achieve, and precarious because the lure of our object of addiction is so strong.. I thought I recovered, but i was wrong. just because i put on weight and ate more didnt mean my state of mind had altered.. and i guess thats what it boils down to.

    hope you are ok hun, love you lots xxx

  6. Hey Rayya,

    I haven't had any trouble since thank God, I'm trying to make sure I eat some fibre, don't want to rely on laxatives.

    I am going to see Mary today so I will definitely talk to her.
    I had a bit of a panic attack last night thinking about the weigh in, why does it never get any easier?

    Thank you for your kind words and for the advice on jewellery for the wedding, pearls are a great suggestion.

    Love you x

  7. Thank you for reminding me of parsnips! I need to get some when I do groceries this week. I have a hankering for roasted kumara and parsnips XD

    If you've cut out fibery things recently that may contribute to the inability to . . . give a shit. (I had to, the pun was there to be made and it wouldn't say no) Have you tried porridge? It's low cal and low fat and has a ton of fibre. I put a sprinkle of ground cinnamon or nutmeg in mine for a sweet taste and add a teaspoon of dried coconut for more bulk and fibrey goodness :) If you're feeling really adventurous try mixing in 25g of raisins while you're waiting for it to cool down. (More fibre and potassium and OMG it's the best way to eat raisins if you can't get fresh grapes)

    That sucks about your friend. Relapse is indeed a sneaky mofo. Sometimes you can be so strong for others and not save any energy for keeping yourself well. Who heals the healer? The people she helped, returning the care she gave to them.

    I haven't had any serious addictions. I guess I have had times when I've not been depressed, but I never notice them until they're long gone into the past.

    I do that with cars too. I also look for good ones to jump infront of, but haven't yet had everything tied up to the point where I could do it without regret. I also neglected my bike to the point where the engine could have exploded under me at any point, hoping that it would take me with it. Ugh, Dad hasn't let me hear the end of that and I haven't told him why I did it. My shiny bike is now as well-care-for as I can manage.

    The doctors here have repetdly fobbed me off with meds and I've been on the DHB waiting list for therapy three times in the last year. Student Health was worse than useless, they actually sent me to the same person who was responsible for one friend's suicide attempt and another's breakdown. Since I don't look "sick" I've given up on ever getting any help other than pills pills pills. Ugh, it's such a waste of time! Why can't "invisible illnesses" make you come out in purple spots or something?

    Hmmm maybe we could draw polka dots on ourselves?

    Thank you so much for the comments. Look after yourself and give the dogs a hug from me <3

  8. Hey Peri,

    I love the 'give a shit' pun, I think we have a similar sense of humour.

    Yes am definitely adding in more fibre, do not want a repeat of last Monday. I've never experienced such discomfort.

    It sucks that bulimia and other illnesses are not taken seriously.
    That just feeds our already low self esteem, that we are not worth the time or energy to be helped. It's a disgrace and really makes me angry.

    Yes we should totally draw polka dots to identify ourselves!|
    Love that idea.

    Thanks for all your comments too, always insightful and always funny. I will hug my dogs for you.

    Love you x

  9. I've never had eating disorders or problems regarding weight, but I'm aware that a lot of women suffers from it. I know it's tough, and you might feel a little bit afraid and helpless sometimes.
    I honestly don't know what to say to make you feel better, I think the only way I could do to help is to pray for you,dear.

    Be strong and never lose hope.
    Eventually, things will get better.
    You'll get better.

    Please remember that a lot of people care about you. :*

  10. Thank you for your kind words Liz x


Thank you for leaving some love x