Wednesday, 4 July 2012

A therapy session of two halves

I'm just back from seeing Mary
I had a mini panic attack last night thinking about the dreaded weigh in today
The session started out good, I was excited to tell her that I hadn't binged or purged in a week and was
also shoplifting free for two weeks
Also that I'm off the olanzapine two weeks and my mood and energy had improved
It was great to acknowledge the positive changes
I expressed my anxiety about the weigh in
Technically I should have lost weight as my intake was quite poor this week but I had a funny feeling that I had gained
I stood on the scale but couldn't look at the numbers
Mary then said we should discuss it an then told me my weight was exactly the same
I have to admit I was bitterly disappointed and also terrified
We had just been speaking about how my next steps should be to up my intake to 3 meals and 2 snacks a day
I was willing to try but now I am so afraid that if I increase my intake my weight will shoot up
My mood plummeted after the weigh in and I could barely hold it together
I hate the power those numbers have over me
If the number is up I spiral in to a black hole of depression and if it's down I sky rocket in to euphoria
I hate that those numbers dictate my mood, my self worth and my self esteem
You would think that over time that the weigh ins would get easier but if anything they get harder to deal with
The weigh in was supposed to be the end of the session but seeing the state I was in Mary sat and spoke with me for another half an hour
She tried to make me see that the number on a scale does not define me
It doesn't change the person I am
It doesn't make me fat or worthless
It doesn't undo all the positive changes that I've made
I know all of this but it doesn't change the way I feel
Immediately I was plotting in my head to restrict my intake even further
Mary pointed out that restricting doesn't always mean you lose weight and that it can lead to binging
She said that the only way to maintain or even lose weight is regular eating
I want to believe this but I'm not quite there yet
I feel like my body is starting to recover but my mind is way, way behind
It's a strange wishy, washy, no mans land, limbo like place
My eating disorder is a safe place
No feelings, no responsibilities, no risk of failure, no engaging in life
Stepping outside of that is unknown territory and it's scary
With drug and addiction and eating disorders I've been numb for 12 years
All these feeling I'm feeling are new and I don't know what to do with myself or how to handle them
It's on days like this that I would have abused my meds
Knocked myself out for the day so I wouldn't have to deal with anything
The sweet oblivion of sleep
But I'm trying to cope in a more healthy way
I went to meet my mother and sister after the session but I was like a spitting devil
My disappointment had now to turned to anger
I couldn't verbalize my feelings so I said nothing
My mother asked me was I disappointed with my weight but I couldn't answer her

So now I am at yet another crossroads
I can do the right thing and trust Mary and my body and increase my intake
Or I can turn to anorexia and restrict even further
I want to be able to say I'll do the former but the truth is I just don't know
I just don't know anymore
Anorexia is the easy option but I don't know if I'm strong enough to fight it
It would be easier to numb my pain and stay where I'm comfortable
As Fiona pointed outed to  me once, it's not a choice between anorexia and recovery
It's a choice between life and death
I want to want to live
I want to want to recover
My ex-sponsor used to say to me that if I don't know what to do I should do the opposite of what I think I should do
If I think I should use, don't use
If I think I should skip a meeting, go to a meeting
If I think I shouldn't eat, eat
It was a simple but effective tool
So I think I'm going to try that and see how I get on

If anyone is or has been at this stage of their eating disorder/recovery I would love to know if you have any advice
How did you move forward
I'd love to know

Thanks for reading x


  1. Ruby darling I feel your pain so much right now and am considering swimming over to you right now. You want to live.
    Well thats a start.
    You know you are in a bad place when you dont care either way...
    I think I am in a bad place.
    I thought I was at a cross roads, but I got off route and the beaten track I am walking down is far too familiar.
    Thats the thing with us, we like our familiar things. The safety of this ed bubble.
    I hope your way works for you. I wish I was even at those crossroads, at least then I could have sight of some positivity.
    It is also positivity and negativity.
    If you can be positive about things, put your faith in something other than anorexia then maybe you can eat, maybe you can take those little steps and become healthy.
    I want to believe its achievable, I feel that if anyone could do it it would be you.
    You show remarkable resilience and I know that if you go for it the outcome will be good.
    I hope everything works out for you hun
    Sorry about my comment I dont think it makes much sense.

    Lots of love x

    1. Thank you Rayya for your kind words,

      You make perfect sense.
      You're right, it is familiar and safe and I don't know life without it. I guess I need to take a risk on life.
      I know you are struggling too and I hope and pray you get some peace of mind from this thing.
      Never give up hope.

      Lots of love to you too sweetie x

  2. I need to catch up on your blog, girl.
    Read this stream of consciousness and thought 'she's so strong'.
    And you are; even if you don't feel like it, you ARE moving forward.
    I've been back and forth, to recovery and relapse, I've been at high weights and low weights, been happy and depressed and everything in between. But the general trajectory, I think, has improved, and it's the same for you. There are still things that are gonna be difficult but you are making so much progress.
    Rooting for you.

    1. Thank you Gabrielle,

      It's true, I don't feel strong at all, I feel as weak as a kitten but I won't give up, not yet
      I believe in you too and am also cheering you on

      Love to you x

  3. That should is really effective, I just figured it out few days ago. I saw that when ever I end up screwing my diet I start with my sentence with should.

    I don't doubt you the slightest, you can beat anorexia for good. You're actually one of those people who I really do believe to be able to pull through a real, long lasting recovery if you just put your mind into it. You got the help and all you need is a firm decision that you're gonna do it.

    It's hard in cross roads.
    I've been here last two years... and looks like I'm gonna spend couple more. It's not that I can't decide, it's more like I won't. I trust that this will balance out eventually into something but you don't need to stay here. Just choose the way and do it because you can.


  4. It sucks that you have to get weighed. I know things improved for me when my CPN stopped taking my weight. I was able to put a lot less pressure on myself, and since then I've been slightly more relaxed about food (though I body check...)

    I think we're in the same place mentally. My body is ready for recovery, I want to eat, I'm hungry again! I feel healthier. My mind is stuck in anorexic land, I tell myself 'life was better back then, I was so much happier when I was starving!' Yeah, I know it's rubbish, yet I believe it!

    Logically, if we increase our intake, our metabolisms will speed up, and our bodies will learn to trust us again and not hold on to what we do eat and not lead us to binge... However, my ED tells me that food will make me fat, and I must starve...

    Yeah, it is total limbo. I just want to scream, and run away!

    Maybe the Italy trip will change things? Do you some good?

    Take care.


    1. Thanks Aggy,

      It's such a confusing place to be, I was doing great until I saw those numbers.
      Yes I hope Italy will remind me that there is a whole world out there to explore, my world has gotten so small lately.

      Take care of you too x

  5. I think you should trust Mary, and your body, at least for one week. When I first saw my dietician to up my intake a few weeks ago, I just had to trust my body, just for one week. If my weight sky-rocketed in that one week, it wouldn't be anything I couldn't lose the following week. I expressed my concerns about my intake & weight going up too quickly, and we decided to go about it slowly, adding a couple of hundred calories at a time, and seeing what happened. The additional comfort was knowing that if I gain on low amounts, then red flags will go up and tests will be done to see why, not just 'deal with it'.

    Trust your body for 'just one week'. It makes it a lot easier to take it one week at a time.


    1. Thanks Bella

      It's a good suggestion, I guess I'll never know if I don't try
      I have to take the risk as the alternative doesn't bear thinking about

      Hope you're ok x

  6. Hi, I can only echo what others here have said. I think you should follow Mary's advice. A friend of mine once told me:

    "Nothing worth doing comes easy"

    And it's true. It's easy to fall back into previous habits and stick to a familiar path.

    Would it make it better if Mary stopped the weigh-ins? Is that something you could discuss with her maybe?

    1. Thanks Strawberry

      That saying is very true
      I have asked Mary if I can do the weigh ins blind but she always suggests that I look so I do

      Hope you're well x

  7. i love you ruby, i dont know what to say re. crossroads really, but healthy head says try and trust mary,you can always go back, other head is more unsure, but mary seems nice, you seem to trust her now and maybe like seeing her? i love you, i want you to be able to enjoy life, and anorexia never really leads to a happy place, does it?? xxx

    1. I'm the same, in two minds and very unsure, scared I suppose
      I do trust Mary, it's myself that I don't trust
      I love you too sweetie x

  8. Hey Ruby, so sorry to here about your weight in. I could have sworn you dropped a bunch of weight too from the way you described your eating habits for the past 2 weeks. Don't worry everything is going to come together soon.

    It sounds like you are still at a crossroads. I sometimes feel like that myself. Sorry I am not much help this evening.

    I know you are coming to come threw in whichever way you decided to go.

    Take care and much love.

  9. Dear Ruby,

    I've been where you are twice. Your worries also have a place in my heart and I understand how difficult it is. We're constantly pulled in different directions, aren't we?

    What worked for me - to get me out of this state where one foot was in my grave ( anorexia ) and the other in life, I forced myself to eat. Follow the meal plan 100%. Stop making eating optional, because really - it is not. Not if you choose life, eating enough is crucial. Nothing to negotiate about. After all, you'll be negotiating with a mental force that wants you killed.

    Do not take this as an offense, but your mind seem very tired now. Too tired to know exactly what it wants. It is a natural reaction because you are not eating enough to give your mind a real boost. Mental healing takes time, but your body can not wait for your mind to fully heal. It need nourishment right now, regardless of your mental state. And perhaps - just the smallest lil' perhaps - you'll see things differently as you move closer and closer to physical and mental health. What I do know is that you will never know if you turn back to anorexia. You won't find out what your life could have become.

    So please Ruby. Do everything you can do hold on to recovery. Anorexia is not a future. It is to slowly die within. Try to think of dreams you have, if you were free from ED - what would you like to do? Then tell yourself that the only way to realize these dreams and hopes is the tough and long road called recovery.

  10. Thank you Hedda for your kind and insightful words
    You're right I am tired, mentally exhausted trying to figure out what to do
    It is a slow suicide and I wish I wanted to live more
    I'm not going to give up yet though, I will try to live

    I appreciate your words so much x

  11. *hugs*

    The amount of sodium in the cup-a-soups could have made your body hold onto extra water. You said you'd had a lot of them?

    What she said was absolute truth.

    I like your sponsor's rule. With the new not-numbness work out what the feeling is that's trying to overwhelm you and find non-deadly ways of dealing with it. Google is helpful for all sorts of weird things. Sometimes you have to re-learn how to express yourself. I've got a mate with moderate-severe Aspergers who had to teach himself how to express himself and interact with others, since his family were total fuckwads who didn't help him at all. (I tell you this to show you it CAN be done, not saying of saying that so-and-so's life is harder, saying others have done a thing so it IS possible. Gah, did that make sense? 0.0;)

    Do the things that will make your life better in the long-term. Maximise your long-run utility of life. (Utility=Happiness in Economics-speak) If that stinky mole ED tried to seduce you with short-term promises, imagine how much more awesome your life would be in one year, five years, TEN years if you told him right now to go fuck himself with whatever behaviour seems attractive.

    The only number that defines you should be the number of middle fingers you can wave with ;)

    I hope you're having a better day today. Take care of yourself, alright?

  12. Thanks Peri,

    I think you're right, all the soup could be contributing to my expansion.
    It scares me to think I could still be like this in 5 years, I don't want to waste another 10 years on this way of life.

    Take care of you too x


Thank you for leaving some love x