I saw my ex-sponsor in the supermarket this morning
I almost gave myself whiplash trying to turn and speed walk in the opposite direction
Silly really as she is a lovely woman but I just couldn't bear to answer the question 'how are you?'
I couldn't trust myself not to break down and cry
I haven't seen her in over a year so it is strange that I ran into her today
When I was attending meetings I used to ring her every evening and call to her house once or twice a week. She was bringing through the 12 steps and I had just completed my fifth step when my eating disorder became impossible to ignore
I had support for drink and drugs but I didn't have support for food so I couldn't pretend it wasn't there anymore
She also sponsors my sister
Then when I was driving home Ivana Lynch was being interviewed on the radio
She is an Irish actress (although she seems to have acquired an American accent) who was in the Harry Potter films
She spoke about how she suffered from anorexia when she was a young teenager
She has made a full recovery
The interviewer asked her how she stays well and she explained that she found other interests, things that she was passionate about
Mary is always trying to get me to pursue other interests
I can understand why
If I have other things in my life, things that bring me joy and happiness, I will be less likely to look for happiness through my eating disorder
There will be less space in my head for food and weight loss
At the moment I have nothing else apart from my dogs
My eating disorder is like a 24 hour job with no days off
I work all week ie restrict and exercise and expect a big fat pay check at the end of the week ie weight loss
Dancing used be my passion but fear stops me from doing it again
So were these two incidences today coincidences?
Or were they signs trying to point me in the right direction?
I suppose I am looking for signs to tell me what to do because I really don't know which way is up at the moment
I remember last year when I got the call that I had a place in treatment
I was staying with my brother and I was surprised the call had come so soon so I asked for some time to think about it
Again, I wasn't sure what to do so I went for a walk to clear my head
I remember asking I don't know who, God, the universe for a sign as to what I should do
I didn't know the area so I was just walking and walking
I came across a restaurant with a sign in the window saying 'Don't starve' in flashing red lights
Ok that's definitely a sign
But I didn't pay too much attention and kept walking
Then I came across a doctors surgery and the name of the doctor on the sign was the same name as the psychiatrist in the treatment centre I was thinking of going to
I'm not religious or superstitious but these coincidences definitely make me stop and think
They are comforting in a way
I still very confused today
My body seems to be starting to recover but my mind is still so very sick
Technically I'm still underweight but I don't feel it
I'm suppose to be doing homework for Mary, planning all my meals, eating 3 meals and 2 snacks and keeping a food log
So far all I've done is keep the food log
Why plan meals when I'm not going to eat them?
My urge to restrict is strong even though I know it could lead to a binge
What's a messed up girl to do?
Do you believe in signs?
What has your experience been?
I'd love to know
Thanks for reading and as always much love x