Saturday, 7 July 2012

Falling slowly

More signs?
I came home from walking my dogs yesterday morning and switched on the t.v to see that Dr Phil was on
I don't usually watch Dr Phil as I find him patronising but guess what he was talking about?
Yes you've guessed it, eating disorders
I missed the first half and caught up just when he brought on Tracey Gold
Most of you will remember Tracey Gold as the American actress who suffered from anorexia
She recently brought out a reality show called 'Starving Secrets' about girls suffering from eating disorders
I haven't seen this show and I've heard good and bad reports about it, mostly bad
She spoke about her illness and showed the obligatory emaciated photos
Then they showed a clip from a previous guest who had been on a year previously
It showed her looking at a picture of her skeletal frame and describing how fat she was
A year later she was back and what a difference, she was the picture of health with a beaming smile
The were all there to help a girl called Mercedes
I missed most of her story but she had anorexia and was terrified she was going to die
They offered her a place in inpatient treatment and she gratefully accepted

I don't always like to watch shows like this as I inevitably end up comparing myself to these girls and deciding that I'm not as as sick as them therefore I'm not sick
They can often serve as a trigger for me although sometimes I watch them for this exact reason
My mother was sitting at the table and we both watched the show in silence
Towards the end I could hear her quietly sobbing
I couldn't look at her and I pretended I didn't notice
I was afraid if I looked at her that I would also break down
I envied the girls on the show who had managed to recover but as sick as it sounds I also envied the girls who were sick
Why I don't know because in reality I am where they are and I am utterly miserable

After being in great form since stopping my meds 2 weeks ago, my mood has been steadily declining the last few days
When I wake up in the morning I dread the day ahead and I know this is a bad sign when I'm depressed before I even get out of bed
I can't stand the thought of another day obsessing about food, worrying about my weight
The daily battle of will I or won't I eat
I still haven't purged but that is of little consolation to me right now
My peace of mind is non existent and thoughts of food never leave my mind
I am already stressing about next Thursdays weigh in
I have to admit that in an effort to end this misery, suicide as crossed my mind
I don't intend to act on these thoughts but I can't see any other way out right now
My mother is going away on Monday for a week and I am looking forward to the solitude
Another sign I am slipping
I think of my meds that have been building up for the last 2 weeks that are in my mothers room
How easy it would be to sneak in there and take them all
They probably wouldn't kill me but I would probably sleep for a while
I'm not going to act on this but the thoughts are comforting in a strange way
I remember when I was trying to get clean from drugs  I made a deal with myself that I would give recovery a go for 6 months and if it didn't work out I would kill myself
In a very sick way this helped me get through knowing I could end it all if I needed to
Thankfully recovery worked out
So maybe that's what I should do now, give recovery a shot
Trust Mary and trust my body
It really is a choice between life and death
I'm retaining water and it's driving me crazy
I know it's from those sodium packed cup a soups
They have to go
Maybe I have to go too
Maybe I am broken beyond repair
Only fit for the rubbish heap
I pray for a way out of this
I can't stand it a minute longer
I can't stand being inside my own head
I can't stand being in my own body
The self hatred and disgust I feel is overwhelming
I look forward to the nights and the sweet release of sleep
It's the only relief I get
I wish this would end
I wish I had the strength to get better
I wish I could eat and be ok with it
I wish...........


  1. Oh Ruby! I am heartbroken that you feel this way, I know all too well the feeling of waking up and not being able to face the day, just letting the sleep take you away. But this is not the end for you my dear. I repeat THIS IS NOT THE END. You always have choices, I know some choices are too unbearable to face, but one thing you can choose is whether you will fight these feelings and choose to live. I believe there is a plan for everyone, these things that have happened they are obstacles to get over, to defeat and to overcome. Your mother is crying, because she is picturing what could happen to you if you worsen or dont get better. She loves you, endlessly - that is clear from how much she does for you, how she is looking after you and never fails to be there for you.. How crushed would she be if you were to die. I firmly believe that she would not be able to cope with it. She loves you, because of you. Because you are her daughter, her wonderful beautiful daughter. She looks after you, because she knows you are unwell and she wants you to live. I know you can pull through this. I know you are strong enough, you have to trust yourself. Trust that things can get better, trust that there is a world out there waiting for you to embrace. It wont be easy, but not much in this life is easy. That healthy girl, that picture of perfection, that could be you if you want it. Taking the easy way out will only numb the pain for a fraction of time.

    I love you so so much darling, and please dont hesitate to contact me if you need to talk. I am always here for you and I will always have time for you. And I would be at a huge loss if you were to ever leave so please, please dont act on anything before talking to someone, contact Mary, or anyone if you need to, I dont want you to suffer alone.

    Lots of love, and please be safe xxx

  2. Thank you Rayya for your kind words.

    I feel at a loss today but I won't harm myself, I promise
    I just feel so overwhelmed at the moment
    It comforts me to know you are there and I'm grateful for your unwavering support
    I will be ok, just need to get through the next few days

    I love you too x

  3. ruby, lovely, darling ruby

    you are not broken beyond repair, and what you wish you will achieve with time and effort if that is what you wish

    i understand about the suicide, but try and hold on, see mary, rant and vent and let it out, let the darkness seep out of you to let some light in.

    could you have some of the reduced salt soups? i know they are slightly higher in calories, but ive got some under 100kcals before


  4. Thank you sweet P

    I will talk to Mary this week, I just need to make a decision one way or the other, at least then I won't be in this hellish limbo
    Thanks for your kindness

    Love you x

  5. Hi Ruby. I may not have a full blow eating disorder but I think I do know what you mean about wanting to be able to eat and be okay with it. It's hard though....

    As I have said I know you are trying really hard. It's just not that easy. There was this one women on Oprah over a course of 10 maybe 20 years. She had anorexia and over the time she recovered 3 times and relapsed each time. I still remember Tracey Gold talking to her and the lady was crying it said it was so hard and she can't get better. It was so sad.

    Sorry if this didn't make you feel any better. I just wanted you to know this is going to be hard to beat and it can take years. But you can beat it.

    I hope you feel better *hugs*

  6. I watch those shows to trigger myself, but it doesn't work coz the only thing that can really trigger me right now is the scale :/

    Water retention goes away very quickly if you keep drinking enough water. Diuretics don't work reliably coz they CAUSE the problem they're trying to fix o.O Last month I gained 1.7kg in water weight OVER NIGHT and it took less than a week of determined hydrating to get it to go away again. Your body thinks you're in Africa with no rain and tried to hold on to as much fluid as it can. When it gets regular water it realises that DUH you're not in a drought and stops holding on to it all.

    I used to do that at uni. If I failed the semester I could give up and jump off Lawyer's Head, if I passed I could give it another shot. Weird how these things work sometimes, ay.

    These days only the thought of coffee gets me out of bed. . . sitting down with knitting or at the spinning wheel keeps me from crawling back in. (Of course, work forces me to stay out of bed but not today :/)

    You are NOT broken beyond repair. I call BULLSHIT. You've fought and beaten so much, so naturally you're feeling tired. Don't you DARE give up on yourself. If you keep waving your middle finger at it (Even if you can't do anything else) it will evenutally fuck the hell off and you'l be able to do all the things the "normals" do without thinking of it.

    Actually you'll be BETTER than a normal person coz you'll place the true value on all the things they take for granted. (Lucky smarmy fuckers, those normal people)
    Let other help carry you for a bit, until you're strong enough to walk again.

    Kia kaha, don't ever give up.

  7. Thank you so much Peri

    I'm drinking a lot of water with lemon to flush all this water out of me, I hope it's quick

    I'm hanging on in the hope that things will improve

    Thank you for your kind words

    Hope you're ok too x

  8. Hi there, thanks for commenting :) I'll definitely be spending my Sunday catching up on your blog as well lol

  9. You don't have to just wish to be better, it might not happen today, or tomorrow, or anytime very soon, but you CAN be better at some point. If you can overcome drug addiction and shoplifting, this too can be beaten.

    I am so sorry that you're having a super rough time right now. Please know that your mother loves you and wants you to be better too.

    I am here to support you and want you to be mentally and physically as healthy as possible.

  10. So, I wrote a very long comment yesterday but my Internet decided to screw up. But I completely agree with you on the whole signs thing. I think you should try to be as honest with mary as you can tomorrow, I really hope it's a good session. Love you hon, let me know how it goes.

  11. I have just stumbled across your blog but just have to comment on this. There is always, always another way out from whatever you're going through. It may take pain and hard work and support and tears but choose life. Can you imagine how upset your mother would be if you died? Please reach out and get the help you need. Oh and as an ED nurse, don't touch those painkillers. I have worked on shifts where people have overdosed on drugs that have been absorbed by the blood. They come into hospital begging for us to save them because they have changed their mind but because the pain killers have already been absorbed into their blood all we can do is give them a bed, call their family and lie and tell them that they aren't going to die-then wait for the inevitable. Ironically it is a very painful and degrading way to are all suicide methods. There is always a better way. Just because you don't intend to do this now doesn't make suicidal thoughts to be something that you can ignore. Please get help!

  12. You can do this, like I've said before. You're one of the strongest persons I've ever known and you can pull through. Signs, certainly, take them now and get better and keep inspiring people to do so too. When writing these questions you've been doing lately are the most constructive things all of us need to think about. We do think a lot - often too much, but when thinking gets conversation-like with someone, it's more likely to bring up something new to both sides.

    Stay strong, sweetie - when ever you think of those pills and overdose remember that I'd rather love you to death than let you actually do that ^^. I just heard about one blogger who was admitted to hospital because she tried to overdose few days ago. Not fun. At all.

  13. *hugs* I've been where you are many times and it does massively suck. I hope you find the strength to recover or things at least improve for you. X

  14. Oh my.. *hugs* - I hope you are feeling better by the time you get this love.


  15. Ruby,
    you are not broken beyond repair. There is always another way, another direction to take your healing process. Right now it seems as if you're banging your head in the same dark wall, becoming more and more frustrated with life. With yourself.

    What do you feel in your heart would be right for you? Or perhaps that is not the correct word, what do you think would be safest for your journey back to life? To go IP? There is no weakness in such a decision, only courage.

    It pains me to read these words, because I know how it feels. Hopeless. Empty. Dreading the next day, knowing it will be filled with food obsessions and forcing ourselves to do even the smallest thing. And longing for isolation. It is hard to never feel even the slightest sense of peace within. ED doesn't provide us with peace, nor does recovery.

    You deserve better than this Ruby. You deserve to be supported back to life. To have someone helping you get in sufficient nutrition, be with you when the demons rage. You really do deserve it. Your life has a purpose, but ED makes you blind to it.

    With love,


Thank you for leaving some love x