Anyone who knows me knows I love dancing and wanted to be a dancer before I got involved with drugs, alcohol and food
I used to teach hip-hop to kids but had to stop due to illness
So this girl called on to my house to inquire about getting dance lessons one on one as she couldn't find any dance groups to join in this area
She is 15 and such a sweetheart
She reminded me of me when I was her age, so keen and eager to learn
I asked her if any of her friends were interested in dancing and she said most of them are only interested in getting drunk or high at the weekend
I told her I thought she was great to not get sucked in to that and was impressed how determined she was to dance
I studied ballet and jazz from the age of 10 -16
I loved it and it was my whole life
I ate, slept and breathed dancing
But once I turned 16 it wasn't cool to be a dancer and I wanted to hang out with my friends so I began to lose interest in dancing
I also started dabbling in drugs and so I gave up ballet completely
It is my one major regret in life that I gave it up
I often wonder how different my life would've been if I'd carried on
Fast forward to a couple of years ago and I'm teaching hip-hop
I had no knowledge of this type of dance so I got out loads of DVD's and taught myself
But overnight I lost my confidence and was starting to lose weight again so I gave it up
Looking back I don't know how I managed to teach for 2 years, I can't imagine doing that now
I just don't have the confidence or the self belief
Anyway I told the girl I would think about it and I'll ring her next week
Part of me would just love to do this
To dance again would be a dream come true
But I am also terrified
If I do this I want to do it right, for her sake and mine
I am going away to Cork for few days next week so I will think about it then
What do you think I should do?
If you were me would you do it?
As I said in my last post, my older sister is home from Sydney and we get on like a house on fire
She has been living in Sydney for the last 10 years so I only get to see her once every couple of years
She really is a good influence on me and when we're together we're always laughing
She is 10 years older than me so we only really started to get on in the last few years
When we were younger all we did was get drunk and get off our faces
But now neither of us drink or use
She is a real go getter and always want to be on the go and doing something
So she decided she wanted to go swimming in the sea and talked me in to going with her
Bear in mind I live in Ireland, so even though it's summer here at the moment it's not that hot
So we donned rashies and board shorts and headed for our local beach with my 2 dogs in tow
My sister ran straight in but I was more cautious and slowly moved out deeper and deeper
I finally mustered the courage to put my shoulders under and as the icy water hit me I shouted out
'Mother-fucker' at the top of my lungs
Cue disapproving looks from mothers and fathers
It was lovely though and my dogs also swam with us
The water was so cold it took my breath away and I hot footed it back out to the shore
I felt great after it though, revitalised and energised
My brother is also staying here for a few days and my aunt is coming on Sunday so the house is getting pretty full
This means my routine is all of out whack
I usually do the same thing everyday at the same time (yes I am that sad)
But now my routine is out the window as there are so any people around
I love that my sister is so spontaneous, I'd love to be that way
She just gets an idea to do something and goes and does it
I on the other hand, would have to plan days ahead in order to anything
Also as regards food
She love food just like I do and she's a great cook
She eats whenever she's hungry and doesn't when she's not
I wish I could be like that
I can't even identify when I'm hungry anymore
It's strange having so many people in the house
Usually I dread the thought of people being around
My eating disorder likes to be alone and it makes binging and purging difficult
But I find that I am enjoying there being a bit of life about the place
The sound of laughter and chatter is lovely
I even find that my mood had improved
It's only when I'm feeling better that I realise how depressed I was
Is this what happiness feels like?
I'm not sure as I've not felt happiness in such a long time
I am the youngest of 4 and yes I would say I am spoiled
Not with material things as such but with attention
I get on great with everyone in my family and I am always going to be the baby
Because I was given so much attention growing up, I think I am always looking for attention or more like validation and acceptance
I have always wanted to be liked and loved and because of this became a social chameleon, changing my personality to suit the person I was with
If I was with a quiet person, I too would become quiet like them
If I was with someone who was loud and boisterous, I too would be loud
From an early age I was fascinated with accents, mainly because I thought I didn't have one and I love the way you could identify someone and where they came from by their accent
I really just wanted to be accepted and to belong so I would change my accent to fit in
When I lived in Dublin I acquired a Dublin accent
When I went to London I tried to sport a cockney twang
Growing up I also tried to belong somewhere
I tried to fit in with the hippies, the goths and the geeks and finally found acceptance with the drug crowd
But of course that world was a web of lies
I've tried so long to blend in but as I get older I see that differences are what make us interesting
Who wants to live in a world where everyone is the same
How boring would that be?
So I am learning to embrace my quirks and foibles
I like to be different
I don't want to be a clone of someone else, I want to be me
There are very few people that I feel totally comfortable around to be me
I feel comfortable around my family in particular and very few others
My sister is someone who I love to be around as I can say or do anything and I know that she won't judge me
I can be my absolute batshit crazy self around her and I know she won't bat an eyelid
I've slowly but surely pushed away all the people who I don't feel comfortable around
I was wondering about you
Are you like me and change your personality to suit others?
Are there many people you feel totally comfortable around?
Anyway, here are today's photos at my local beach
Enjoy...............
Oh Ruby arent you just lovely, and my your beautiful dogs! Such beautiful pictures and such a beautiful place you live in.. I would love to live near the sea. What am I saying (I do live near the sea, so close the sound of the ships sound all through the night) but its not picturesque like Ireland.. I am so envious. What I would give to take a stroll with you on the beach <3
ReplyDeleteAnd wow, I personally think you should throw yourself into dance again.. I am guessing you dont do things by half dear, all or nothing? well if so put your all into the dancing and let it wrap you up into that world you loved and enjoyed. I dont think you would regret it..
I hope you are ok.
All my love to you, keep safe and I hope you dont catch a chill from the water! <3 x
omg your dogs are soooo cute..:)
ReplyDeleteThe pictures are adorable..
As for the dancing..when there is something you used to love and enjoy so much, try it again..at least from time time, if only to have some of that feeling back. Maybe it will make you relax and enjoy it again. Just start slow, without pressure. Maybe teaching that girl which I guess wont be everyday but occasionally..maybe that will do you good..
Just do whatever you think will in the end be good for you..
Thanks Lara
DeleteI think I will do it, it will be good for me I think
Thanks for your comment x
I would only love to go for a walk with you on the beach dear Rayya
ReplyDeleteWe would have so much to talk about
Maybe some day...........
Thanks for your support about the dancing, I'm thinking I will do it and see how it goes
What have I got to lose?
All my love to you too Rayya my dear x
Ruby I am loving all the pics that you are posting!! DO the dance thing it will help both of you I know it. it will show you how great you are!. When it comes to people I am a huge ball of unpredictable crazy!!! I have been very depressed the last two months to the point I cant hid it usually I can. People have seen my struggle and seen me cry and I hate it but I couldnt help it. I try to have this strong in control tough girl attitude when ANTONE is around. Maybe my sister gets to see more of the real me then anyone but even then i try and compose myself so that I dont worry her. Hope you enjoy all your family time and your few days way take care and talk later.
ReplyDeleteThanks Linny,
DeleteI'm sorry you are struggling but I've no doubt you will come through this. You are a tough cookie and have battled so many demons already.
Hang in there lovely x
Hey there, I hope you're doing well. You look great in your pictures from the beach! And my, what cute pups you have! They look like they had a blast swimming in the ocean.
ReplyDeleteAs for the dance lessons, I think you should go for it. It may not be easy to just pick it right back up, but it's something you obviously love and are passionate about! I say go for it.
Enjoy your time with your family as well!
<3 Laelaps
Thank you!
DeleteI really am enjoying the time with my family, it's so rare that we are altogether like this
Much love x
I love dance. I have been doing Polynesian dance since I was 6. I love it and have always, always wanted to learn a different style of dance.
ReplyDeleteNot too long ago I would have said yes to your question. A year ago even that was me. I completely changed myself to fit in with the people I was with because I wanted so badly to just be excepted and to have friends.
But not anymore. I know who I am now, and if people don't like that they can go f*** themselves. :)...I also only have one friend... and she lives three hours away. I find that I let myself get too comfortable around people, I am too trusting. And because of that I have been betrayed quite often.
It is hard to find true friends and I think when we find them we should hold on to them.
DeleteI haven't been doing this, in fact I've pushed all my friends away. I have become quite the hermit of late.
I also have trouble trusting people.
What is Polynesian dance by the way? x
I definitely think you should give the dancing a go. When I first started reading your blog you had just finished some kind of dance workshop thing I think, I can't remember exactly what it was, but I remember you being really sad that it was over. Dancing is your thing, you're clearly passionate about it. It really might help you with everything if you have something else to concentrate on.
ReplyDeleteAs for your questions: I always change myself to fit in with whoever's around me. I sometimes forget that I'm allowed to have my own opinions on things. I've found myself telling little lies about things, just saying I dislike certain foods or something which I actually like, just pointless lies so I can fit in with the people I'm with. I really need to stop before I get caught out.
And there isn't really anyone I'm completely comfortable around. Definitely not my family, I have one guy friend who I'm most comfortable with, but I can't really tell him everything, I'm too scared he won't understand if I talk about eating stuff, I almost scared him off with my self harming, so I won't bother him with my issues any more. So I guess no, I don't have anyone I'm unconditionally comfy around.
Ah you remembered!
DeleteYes, I really enjoyed that workshop, it's funny even though I don't look for it dance keeps popping up in my life.
You are right, I spend far too much time worrying about food, it takes up far too much space in my head, it would be good to have a different focus.
I do that too, telling fibs to people just to keep the peace but as I get older I worry less and less what people think of me. I hope you can begin to feel comfortable around people.
You are lovely just the way you are x
Lovely pictures :) The dogs are soo cute - and you my dear are very pretty :)
ReplyDeleteWhen I was younger I would change my personality to what I thought people would like.. But the last 10 years + I have just been me.. There aren't that many people that actually get me - or that I am comfo around... but the ones that do, and the ones that I am comfo with are so worth it all :)
So true Kitty,
DeleteAs I approach 30 (yikes!!) I do worry less and less what others think of me. I used to think I was a bad person but now I think I am a sick person.
And you are right, better to have a few close friends rather than a lot of false friends.
Thanks Kitty x
this is a message to the dogs
ReplyDeleteget in my bed NOW!
its snuggle timeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
hehe
dancing makes u feel elegant and idk i miss it so do it
xx
They are the best dogs for snuggling with!!
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by x
Oh, your dogs look like such fun dogs! And you look cute too!
ReplyDeleteI think you should give the girl lessons. If it's your biggest regret, you can maybe resolve it in a way by teaching her, as you will still be dancing and it will make you happy.
As far as the personality thing goes, I don't really change my personality while around others, but my mood really affects it, and there are some people that I'm way happier to be around so I get a little more bouncy around them then others. But I feel like very few people (not even the majority of my family) really know me, so I guess I don't really feel comfortable around them.
Thanks Clytie
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking I will do it even though it will cause me anxiety
I don't want to look back on this and have more regrets
Love to you x
Yessssss be yourself. Find the things that make you yourself and DO THEM.
ReplyDeleteIf you miss dance and love it so much and think you could do a decent run of teaching them, then GO FOR IT.
I'm a bit of a reclusive routine-freak too. Not quite as strict, but if I don't get alone time in the day people are going to be threatened until I do.
I used to be the quiet shy girl who couldn't recognise social cues and let everyone walk all over her because I thought that that meant they liked me and accepted me. Not any more. I still struggle with wanting to get along with everyone and the doormat tendencies, but now I care less what others think and I'm better at reading social cues to avoid offending people by accident. (Most of the time I'm pushing the boundaries on purpose, especially if someone is taking themselves too seriously)
There is a certain amount of freedom to be found in realising that nobody can possibly hate me more than I hate myself XD If they can't, then why should it matter what they think?
So people who love food either work in kitchens or have EDs? Because of Mum and livign at one point on $NZD15 for food a week I have a habit of hoarding food. If you ever need tinned tomatoes and stale pasta you know where to come :p I remember Glamour Nana's farm feeds and Grandma.S's amazing Irish food, they were always trying to put some meat on our bones.
Lol food porn. Definitely. For me it's baked goods and lollies. i could stand in a bakery all day and just droooool.
I hope you're having a good weekend. Take care and keep an eye out for sharks :p
Love you so much <3
I LOVE you Peri,
ReplyDeleteYou have such a great way of looking at things
I am rapidly approaching 30 (yikes) and I care less and less what people think of me
Don't get me wrong, I like to be liked but if someone doesn't like me, that's ok too.
So so true, no one could ever hate me as much as I hate myself too
Take care of you precious Peri x
Yes. when i was younger especially i tried to match who i was with, afraid id be rejected otherwise. then i stopped but still yearned for ppl to like me and be accepted. then i just isolated myself. Seeing ppl has just become so heavy and difficult, it destroys my safety haze and crashes me down to reality.
ReplyDeletei didnt realise ur in ireland. I convinced myself u were american, no idea why! I must have read it before but not taken it in. so ur in with the nhs chaos too then. were ur inpatient places nhs? I dnt think ill b offered a place anytime soon. i wld accept.... i think. not sure. i dont want to live like i am but i dnt want to live not like it or live full stop anyway currently!!
Love u and ur little self xxxx
Yes, I live in the Emerald Isle, not too far away from your lovely self.
ReplyDeleteI was very lucky in that my parents kept me on their health insurance so we paid for treatment that way.
I was blessed because the first time I went to inpatient it cost 40,000 euros and I didn't even finish the programme.
I hope something comes up for you as regards treatment, you deserve the best possible chance of getting well.
Keep pushing for help and try to be as honest as possible. I know I tend to downplay how bad my illness is and if you're not emaciated (or emancipated as one counsellor said to me, lol) then you're put on the long finger.
I hope something works out sooner rather than later.
Love you too x
Awwww, cute pictures <3
ReplyDeleteI change myself too according to my company but not like them, I seek what they need and transform to that. And what comes to that girl wanting to dance, I say you definitely should. It keeps her away from bad places and it gives you something else to think about. At least give it a shot. She's not one of those parents who made you feel shit with your hiphop routines (and I still think that's ridiculous). You worked hard for them, put you heart in it to teach it to their kids and they just... yea. I think that's just rude.
Step up on the stage Ruby <3 I should too because where I'm going is no zumba and I got to bring it on now... I'm scared and nerve wreck to instruct (even I know I'll love that in the end) Let's both do this.
<3
Thanks Tatyana,
ReplyDeleteI'm like you, I guess I'm afraid of failure and that's the main thing that stops me from doing so much including dancing.
Wow, I think you should definitely go for the zumba instructing, I've never done it but I;d love to
Let me know how you get on x
1) thank you oh so much for the comment. Knowing I have support makers it a little less scary. I'll definitely email you. 2) I think you should at least meet with girl and try it out, see where her and your own skills are and go from there. 3) you're puppies are adorable!!!! I'm one of those girls that has cute attacks with animals, so I completely aaaawwwwwed at those pics, especially the one where he's swimming. Too cute. And yes, I'm a bit of a social chameleon. I used to be a lot worse, literally changing myself, but I just realized there's like 50 shades of me (pardon the pun). I hope you have more spontaneous days like these.I once heard that you really start life in your 30s, so its definitely not too late for fan. Xoxo
ReplyDeleteYour welcome, I meant every word
DeleteI love when I read that someone is going to try recovery
You're on a higher path now
Keep me posted on how you're getting on
Sending you love an hope x
You are too sweet. I havent had my hair cut in 6 months so it is a lotttt longer than it was, I might have it cut next week and let you guys see. The plan was to get it cut when I got to my first goal (again) lol i've spent the last 6 months binging and purging so i havent got close, the last time i was near was november.
ReplyDeletemy stomach is not happy today. this might sound gross but if you binge/ eat a lot more than normal, do you get burps that taste like fried eggs? what the hell is that?! i hate egg more than anything else, so this is not pleasant!!! xxxxxxx
I hear ya Sweet P
DeleteI haven't weighed in ages and I was so close last night but I stopped myself because I just can't handle it if I've gained
Yes, I get horrible tasting burps too, unidentifiable tasting burps. Just another of the long list of horrible side effects of an eating disorder
Love you to the moon and back x