Monday, 6 August 2012

Home Sweet Home and Holiday Photos

I'm back on home turf
I'm aware my last post was quite negative about my holiday but things kind of improved towards the end of the week
I always seem to find that I only start to enjoy myself just when it's time to return home

One of the highlights of the week was when we went to Verona to see the opera Aida
The opera was set in the Arena Di Verona which has been standing since the first century
It was an amazing setting, it held 40,000 people
We were sitting in the nose bleed seats right at the back but the stage was so big it didn't matter
As the sun set everyone lit little candles that they had handed out and it looked so beautiful
It was 4 hours long but was so worth it just to experience it
On the drive back to Sarnico I counted the prostitutes on the outskirts of the city

I don't need to tell you that I struggled enormously with food
I'm sure it was totally obvious every time I excused myself after a meal or snack to use the bathroom
I could have played safe and restricted but I didn't want to miss out on the gastronomic delights of Italy, a bulimics paradise
So eat I did, pasta, pizza, steak, overflowing sandwiches with crunchy bread
Towards the end of the holiday I obsessively took photos of everything I ate
The food was so colourful when it was served but the plate looked so ugly when the food had been demolished
 But 10 days of restaurant eating soon gets old and I am glad to be home without the pressure of eating breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday
On the day we left I braced myself to try and squeeze myself back in to my jeans that had fit me perfectly on the way over
Thankfully I slipped neatly in to them
Relief, maybe I hadn't done as much damage as first thought

Our last night was spend in Bergamo
Compared to the sleepy village of Sarnico it was all hustle and bustle
I loved it
Being able to walk down the street as just another visitor and not Ruby the eating disordered, heroin addict was such a joy
I love the fact that no one knows your history, you're just another face in the sea of people

I am so glad I pushed through my anxiety and went on this holiday
I would've been so angry with myself and deeply regretted it if I had backed out
It was the first time myself, my brother and my sisters had been on holiday together and we took some lovely photos

So now I am home
Back to reality
In one way I'm glad to be home, my eating disorder demands 24 attention these days and it was not one bit happy with the unpredictability and spontaneity of meals abroad
But in another way I am sad to be back
I got a taste of the life I could be living while in Italy
The friends I could have
The partner I could meet
The places I could go
The experiences I could have
Instead I am back to a life ruled by food and numbers
An unwilling slave to this sinister illness
It feels like a cruel joke
Flirting with the life I could be living and then thrust back in to a nightmare
If I were smart I would use this as the catalyst to get well
Jump at the chance while I still remember the feel of the warm sun on my skin
What better motivation
But I know all too well it is not that simple
The answer is not a geographical one
My sister who lives in Australia is home and as I type she is making homemade chicken soup
She is banging around the kitchen as if she were building a house
The perfect antidote to a week eating rich food
I am already planning how I will get out of eating it
Planning a detox and maybe a fast
Bulimia is somewhat tired after her food holiday and is handing over the reigns to anorexia
No doubt she will gladly accept
How will this pan out?
Watch this space I guess

Anyway on to the photos
We tool so many that I'll probably post them in stages and maybe do an Italy food post
Myself and my family are in these photos so I may take them down in a few days

Anyway enjoy.........


  1. thanks for sharing the photos, you are adorable :-) I'm also glad you managed to enjoy bits of the holiday too, that's awesome (and allowed, you dont need to feel guilty for enjoying yourself if you by chance do). missed you, glad youre back, but hope that things dont get too hard for you being back. love you muchly, miss ruby. maybe ill post a pic of myself sometime, mybe just my face, cant deal with the body, just so people can put a face to a blog, i think thats nice that i can read and imagine you better now.

    i hope that didnt sound too freakish!!

    Your Sweet P.

    1. I would just love to see a photo of you but I understand the hesitation, I just so wanted to share my holiday with you all so I bit the bullet.
      It's strange, I have a mental picture of you, I imagine you with long, flowing brown hair and petite like a little fairy

      Hope you are ok sweet P x

  2. Love the photos it almost makes me feel a bit more connected to you. I am glad you ended up enjoying yourself. The last minute thing always happens to me also. I think it is because one I feel "safe" enough to let go it is over :(.

    1. I know what you mean
      I was just starting to relax and really enjoy myself an before I knew it I was on a plane home x

  3. Heyya :)

    Yay *Rubys Back* I am so pleased you are back with us and of course that your holiday improved towards the end :)
    That Opera you watched sounds absolutely breathtaking, I can imagine how stunning a sight to behold it was with all the candles.. Amazing.

    I am so glad that you were able to enjoy the food even if little miss mia showed her face so frequently, and it must have been so refreshing when you got to Bergamo (dont these Italian places just sound dreamy..)

    So glad that you got past your anxieties and went <3 it takes courage and once again you proved that it is possible to take your demons head on and battle through it :)

    And omy Ruby dearest you look absolutely beautiful in your dress! You made such a brilliant choice and I love all the outfits :) Its great to see pictures of you as it makes you feel so real (that sounds stupid cos I know you are real.. but its hard to explain) I guess I mean you feel so much more tangible, I can imagine sitting with you sipping green tea in a cafe by the sea and giving you a hug.. sorry if that sounds weird :\ lol

    Love you lots darling thank you for sharing so much of yourself with us :) x

  4. Thank you Rayya my dear

    Looking back I see that I did enjoy myself and I challenged myself which is good too

    It's good to be back though
    I missed you!!

    I'm right there with you in the cafe beside the sea
    Maybe someday we will do it for real


    Love you x

  5. Dear Ruby,
    you're not forgotten. I've just been one week in Denmark, but now I am back and will catch up on your recent posts.
    It seems as if Italy was a mixed experience, with both joy and pain. Perhaps that's the way it is in recovery - we feel moments of joy, yet there is the shadow that haunts us. Producing food thoughts and destructive urges.

    I'm glad the stay improved the last couple of days as you deserve to feel good and enjoy yourself. You really do, Ruby. I am so mad at those demons within you, I want them to leave you alone. Now. Of course it's not that easy, it requires work. Hard work. I believe you are strong enough to make it through, as your words do express a desire to live and create a better and healthier future. Take it step by step, meal by meal. Be honest with those around you, also when the truth is uncomfortable both to tell and to hear.

    Sending you light and strength, you're in my heart.


  6. Thank you dear Hedda for your kind words

    Having a taste of what my life could be like was great
    Laughter was back in my life this week
    Before that I can remember when my last good belly laugh was and it was over a year ago
    Being thin does not have the hold over me that it once had but the behaviours remain
    You are a source of inspiration to me as you are fighting so hard to beat this
    Thank you for your support

    Sending love and light right back atcha x

  7. It's cool to know who's on the end writing all this!!! But I'm glad you realized you did enjoy vacation and now you're able to come back to a safe zone. I am sorry that it's bittersweet and you feel there could be a happier life in Italy, but honestly there's a happier life anywhere that food and numbers don't rule you.

    I went to Italy the week after I graduated,and I can't even imagine how my eating would be if I went now; you are absolutly right in saying it's a bulemic's paridise. But there were beautiful sights to take photos of, shows to see, shops to be combed over. There always is the option of trying to get better and chasing a better life.


    1. This is true Clytie, I do have a choice
      I just have to muster the courage from somewhere and just go for it.

      Love x

  8. I'm glad you had a better time toward the end, especially the opera, it sounds great. The pictures are lovely, I like when you smiled more and the star one. Besides the food, it sounds like you had a better time than you expected :)

    1. I really had no expectations going over so yes I had a better time than I thought I would
      That's funny you like the one where I'm smiling
      I hate my smile because my teeth are ruined x

  9. Happy to have you back home safe. <3
    Sorry that I have no time for a wiser comenting, but your trip sound amazing (I got suddenly blind with the burging part) and I'm glad you managed to enjoy it in some sense.

    <3 Love you!

  10. i don't have long brown hair, its short and blonde :-) i'll post a picture soon, i would prefer long dark brown tho, i died it once, dark dark brown, but it was a while back.

    that's a link to pictures of my art work, i haven't updated it in a good few months, but there a bit there for you to see - fashion acrylics is the better folder to look at i think.

    love xxx

    1. Than you for letting me know
      I'll definitely check that out

      Lol! My mental picture was way off
      Would love to see a photo of you

      Love right back atcha x

  11. Hi
    firstly thankyou for the comment u left but u seriously beat me here love Italy!!! :O it looks so beautiful and sunny.
    I love ur photos especially how uve colour poped ur dress thats pretty cool
    anyway i just want to say without sounding like a total dickhead
    dont let your past your illnesses your struggle define who u really are
    "my eating disorder demands 24 attention these days" never let it make yourself control it not it controlling you
    much love

  12. Thank you sweetie

    I'm trying so hard to not let this illness consume me completely but at this stage I know other way of living as sad as that sounds
    I won't give up just yet though

    Much love to you too x

  13. You got to see Aida? Live? In an amazing theatre? *Dies of envy*

    It's always the bloody way with holidays and trips, right? The best is saved til last. Growl!

    Yellow dress=WOW! I'm jelly of your ability to pull off the cheerful bright colours!

    Omg you look at the camera like you're about to kick it in the face before it bites you. It's brilliant! I'd love to hang with you, you can see so much personality just in pictures XD The face you're pulling in the last one made me crack up. I'm sorry, it's just so awesome!

    Being an UNWILLING slave is the first step on the way to being a slave who went "FUCK YOU!" and ran away to be free.

    Love you so much and I hope you can manage to tell ed to GTFO for at least a few mins today so you have more time to be your awesome self <3 He's such a cunty master who never obeys the safeword. Asshole.


  14. Awh shucks, thank you Peri, this comment made my heart swell
    I would only love to hand with you too, you witty devil you

    Love you too and hope you are doing ok
    I missed you and reading your blog which I'm going to catch up on today

    After posting those pics I had an attack of paranoia
    What if someone I know sees them?
    But then I started to not give a shit, it's just a blog and it's not like I'm offending anyone (well maybe my cousin but I didn't post any photos of him, don't want to feed his ego)

    Hugs right back atcha x

  15. Gosh you're a pretty little thing.

    So sorry I haven't been around, darling. I hope you're taking good care of yourself.


  16. I'm doing ok Gabby
    Hope you are too x


Thank you for leaving some love x