Monday, 23 July 2012

'Tears dry on their own'

Amy Winehouse is one year dead today
Hard to believe
My brother reminded me that there is a documentary on about her tonight
It's a about a memorable 20 minute performance she gave here in Ireland when she was just 21
I won't be watching it
I have to admit I find it incredibly difficult to watch any footage of her, if her video comes on I change the channel
I don't like to look at images of her
I can just about listen to her songs
I find it so desperately sad to have witnessed her decline
My favourite song is 'Tears dry on their own' but I haven't watched the video in years
Most people probably don't notice how pinned her eyes are from heroin use
The last few years of her life, in every video, every photo her eyes are pinned and glazed
Being a recovering heroin addict I find it so very hard to look at
Eating disorder wise, it is the equivalent of looking at a very sick and underweight person
I have read Amy also developed an eating disorder and her ever shrinking body would back that up
It's not that I find it triggering, I suppose it's like looking in a mirror
The haunted eyes and frail body are exactly the way I used to look
I followed her career from start and in the early years she was so different
Curvy, fresh faced and so very talented
Having watched and read interviews with her, she seemed to have very little self esteem
I remember her saying that the lower her self esteem was, the higher she made her signature beehive
It's heartbreaking how someone with such a precious gift to really touch people could have so little belief in themselves
But isn't that always the way
I was shocked when I heard she had died but I wasn't surprised
It was inevitable really
Apparently she had managed to get clean before she died but was still drinking and had a massive amount of alcohol in her system the night she died
The only comfort I take is that she is at peace now
Safe from the demons that haunted her
Sleep well Amy

Anyway, I digress
I leave for Italy early Wednesday morning
I spoke with my brother late last night about my apprehensions
I am becoming more and more and the thought of having to deal with so many people over the next 10 days is scaring me some
The wedding itself is on Friday and I wish I could say I am looking forward to it
It's a reflection of my state of mind
Making small talk with strangers is not my forte
People usually talk about their jobs or their relationships and I have neither
The main thing in my life at the moment is my eating disorder and I'm sure people don't want to hear about that
I don't drink so I don't have that to help loosen my tongue
I am hoping that like a lot of things in my life, the thoughts of it are worse than the actual event itself
As my brother said, the wedding business will all be over in 2 days and then I can enjoy the reast of my holiday
And of course I worried about managing food while I am away
The last time I was away I binged and purged my way around Barcelona
Also the uncertainty of not knowing when or where I'll be eating makes me anxious
Having gained weight. my family will probably presume I am more well than I actually am
My aunt came for dinner yesterday and when she saw me she remarked 'Oh you look well'
I hate hearing this
In my mind this translated to 'Oh you've put on weight'
Weight has absolutely on bearing on how well a person is or what their state of mind is like
As I've often said, I was just as sick at 77lbs as I was at 130lbs
I don't mean to complain and I know I am very lucky to be going on a holiday
And after all it's not about me, it's about my cousin who is getting married and I want to be there on their happy day
The sick part of me wants to stay at home and wallow in my illness
But then that would mean my illness is winning
Almost 12 years now I've had the constant companion that is anorexia/bulimia
It has prevented me from doing so much, held me hostage
My twenties are all but gone and I don't want to waste another decade
I love travelling, everything about it
For me the excitement begins with packing
I love airports and people watching
I love travelling itself whether it's flying or on a train
I even love plane food
It's so freeing to be in a completely different place, totally anonymous
Nobody knows you or your history
I'm not Ruby the anorectic, drug addict
I'm just Ruby
I'm going to try so very hard to enjoy myself
To soak up the sun and the atmosphere
I'll also try to blog once or twice

Take care of yourselves and please stay safe

All my love x


  1. I love you Ruby
    I miss Amy too, I found out the morning, I was in Camden, near where she used to live and where she would have partied. Banksy spray painted her onto the side of Camden Starbucks alongside melted candles. everyone was silent in a very normally hustle-and-bustling place.

    I also understand the not being well despite weight gain.

    Cheryl (nice CPN on maternity leave who I miss) was the only person to see me break down. She asked to weigh me for the multidisciplinary meeting. I started to cry. I said, you can't , I'm fat. Then I broke. I broke and everytime after I saw her I broke into hysterics and cried. she said, this is what the eating disorder does. it doesn't just eat at you, it eats at your mind.

    i really hope the whole situation isn't horrifically overwhelming, and i hope the tedious chit chat doesn't drive you to insanity.

    you mean a lot to me, please try to hold on, and even maybe have some fun. you are allowed some fun too.

    love you miss ruby xxx

    1. I love you too sweet P
      You mean so very much to me too

      I will try to put my fears aside and who knows, maybe I'll even enjoy myself
      I can't remember the last time I had a good belly laugh

      Take care of you,

      I'll be in touch soon x

  2. Oh Ruby.. I am sorry that you feel apprehensive but hey maybe you will feel better once you are there.. small talk doesnt always have to be about such things.. I do hope you have a lovely time and that you can fully enjoy travelling like you used to.. <3
    I hope Amy rests in peace too.. it was a shock but an expected shock. I thought it was a waste too and that was one of my favourite songs too although I havent listened to it since she passed.

    Much Love x

    1. Thank you Rayya

      I'm probably over thinking the whole thing.
      I will be with family so I'll have support

      I'll miss you

      Love ya x

  3. Amy had an amazing voice, but watching her is too painful. I miss her music and voice so much, I had been looking forward to a lifetime of hearing her sound mature, and it was taken from her and all of us by crippling insecurity. I wish addiction and ED had a physical personification so I could get a bit of methodical, medieval revenge on them, a la the Spanish inquisition.

    Weight means SFA if you don't tackle the problem in the head. It's why early inpatient programs had such a large rate of failure. That focused on re-feeding and weight restoration to the exclusion of all else.

    If the people get too much you're perfectly entitled to go for a walk by yourself or pretend to nap while listening to some music. Jet lag and all that nonsense. This shit should not be allowed to steal this wonderful occasion from you! Go make some good memories and have fun doing it. That's an order!

    What I've picked up from Mig's success books is that if you have nothing to talk to people about, ask them questions about themselves/their lives/whatever they're blathering on about and pretend to be interested and keep asking little questions to keep them going. People eat that up and love you for it ;)

    Love you so much. Take care of yourself on holiday and do something for fun every day <3

    1. Thanks Peri

      That's a great idea to ask questions. I'l definitely use that trick and yes I can always do my own thing if things get too much.

      Love you too sweetie x

  4. As much as dislike hours of small talk and bullshitting my way through social gatherings, at times it can be amusing to see how much you can glean from others from a relatively short period of time. Making a game out of situations you prefer not to be in usually helps in making them more bearable. Who knows, perhaps you might actually have a conversation worth continuing and end up making friends.

    The chance to relax and the extra sunlight will be good for you.

    1. Thank you,

      I do actually like finding out about people and what makes them tick. I'm sure I'm worrying needlessly.
      Here's hoping x

  5. I hope the anxiety lessens when your actually on your way to Italy. I had bad anxiety about going to school so far away, but I adjusted. I hope you enjoy yourself dear.

  6. Ruby, to me you have always been Ruby, kind Ruby, talented, caring and beautiful Ruby - but never "just" Ruby. ED and addiction are illnesses, and would we define people by their heartdesease etc? nope. so have the most wonderful holiday, enjoy the family, the sun, yourself. you deserve it!

  7. Thank you Loulou for your kind words

    I'm really going to make an effort and just through myself in to it.
    It's scary but I'm sure it'll be worth it

    Love you x

  8. Well I hope you have a wonderful time while away, I do understand how difficult being surrounded by people you only know thanks to genetics can be. I also get the small talk thing- I agree thinking about questions to ask a person does keep the conversation going. When all else fails talk about the Olympics everyone seems to interested in that.


Thank you for leaving some love x