Monday, 24 September 2012

Nothing changes if nothing changes

I saw Mary on Friday
I started crying before I had even sat down
I told her how things are getting out of control
That I am afraid
That I can't seem to stop
She weighed me and I had gained back some of the weight I had lost
Cue emotional meltdown
The first thought that ran through my mind was
'I can't do this anymore, I have to end this'
End it in a bad way not a good way
I actually considered taking my life over the sake of 2 pounds
I cried throughout the session
I told her I was tired of it all
That I don't want to be like this anymore
If I were on a train I would be pulling the emergency cord and getting the hell off
I hate that I'm measuring my self worth by what the scale says
I hate that those little numbers have so much power over me
We ended the session by writing out a list of things to do including throwing out the caffeine tablets, stop using the stepper and contact my friends
I broke down in front of my mother on Saturday
I couldn't stop crying
She told me she could see me slipping the last few weeks
That my behaviour had gotten obsessional again
I just wanted to sleep so I took some meds and slept for the weekend

But now it's Monday and the cold light of reality
I have to face up to the fact that I have to do something if I want this nightmare to end
I guess I'm at a crossroads and I can go one of two ways
I can retreat further in to my eating disorder or I can take a leap of faith and try recovery
Looking back over the last few weeks I can see where this all started
I was looking for something
Something to fill the void
I thought restricting and exercise would do the trick but they just made me worse
They say that addiction is progressive
That it gets worse over time
I believe this because I literally picked up where I had left off from my last anorexic episode
As I said before I know how this story ends
I will lose weight
Along with the weight I will lose my mind
Depression and anxiety will join the party
I will wake up every morning and dread the day ahead
The thought of suicide will be a comfort
Sooner or later I will end up in hospital
Then treatment
When I come the whole cycle starts again
Lather, rinse, repeat

I know some other bloggers are really struggling at the moment
Reading their posts is like reading my own thoughts
It breaks my heart to know that we are all going through the same thing
We may be hundreds, even thousands of miles apart but the common thread is that we are all suffering
Many of us suffering in silence
It makes me so angry that this illness is robbing us of the best years of our lives
And it seems to prey on the best of us
In treatment I met some of the most beautiful, talented, artistic, loving, giving people that I have ever met
The same with the people who I have 'met' on line
Anorexia/bulimia had robbed me of 12 years of my life
My education
My health
My friends
Some of my family
My sanity
My self worth
Any shred of self confidence I ever had
It filled this void with self hatred
Crippling fear

I have no doubt that my eating disorder wants me dead
It won't leave me alone until I am six feet under
Then it will be satisfied
A good friend once said to me that it's not a choice between anorexia and recovery, it's a choice between life and death
I believe this is so true
Anorexia/bulimia is a slow suicide
It's takes your body and then your mind
Today I am trying so very hard to choose life
Left to my own devices I would probably choose death but I just can't do that to my family
It would break their hearts
They say you should get well for yourself and no one else
I am going to do this for my family and hope that in time I will be doing for myself
Fake it 'til you make it
When I was giving up drugs I made a deal with myself
I'll give recovery a shot for 6 months and if it doesn't work I can always go back
Drugs will always be there but recovery won't
I'm meeting a friend today and even though it's the last thing I want to do I am making myself go
Like me, she has an eating disorder with a history of drug addiction
She told me that a lot of people were asking about me
That was nice to hear as I didn't think they had noticed that I'd disappeared
What I would really like to do today is curl up in bed
But I'm going to push myself to go out
Everything will just stay the same if I don't do something now
Nothing changes if nothing changes


  1. Honey, it is not too late to stop - get proper help and let the next 12 years of your lige be a new start..
    ED's break us down in a way no one really understand, but I really believe that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.. Just don't give up..

    1. Thanks Kitty,

      I won't give up just yet x

  2. Sweetie, life is hard – sometimes feels unbearable, we starve and purge and cut and drink because we don't want to feel any of it. Starve and purge and cut and drink because we need an anesthetic and it works. For awhile. But then the anesthetic turns into poison and by then it's too late because we are maintaining it now, straight into our souls. It is rotting us and we seem can't stop.
    But WE CAN.
    I and you. We can.

    1. Thank you Greta for your encouraging words
      You are so right, the anaesthetic is definitely not working for me anymore, it is poison
      Today I'm taking baby steps to help myself
      I went to see my friend so that is a start

      Love to you x

  3. *Hugs*

    Listen to Mary? Bin the pills, break the stepper. Maybe you and your Mum can have a stepper-breaking party and celebrate it's demise with hot chocolates?

    Do it for them, and do it for you. There was something that occurred to me at work today. I remembered Grandpa.S and Uncle.M. Uncle.M never learned to manage his issues so he could live independently, and spent most of his life living with Grandpa.S and Grandma.S before she died. Within months of Grandpa.S being medically forced into a resthome Uncle.M lost it completely without anyone to care for him and ended up locked in a mental hospital. I thought is you ending up like him and wanted to cry, but I that that you at least have that tiny spark of desire to fight that Moe never did.

    Retreat into inevitable madness and death or forge on into the bright unknown with a sail made of words? Let go and fall into the inferno or write your own Iliad?

    Take back what it took and break the bitch's hands. You ever seen Firefly? Listen to Mal:
    "If someone tries to kill you, you kill them right back!"

    I used to do that too. If I fucked up the semester I could kill myself. By the end of the semester I'd have done well enough to move on to the next one and something interesting sometimes came up. Fuck, how did I ever graduate?

    Love you so much Ruby. You're too awesome to deserve a death like that. You should go out in a blaze of glory taming lions on Mt.Everest or as an old biddy whom the world holds in reverence, fear and awe passing peacefully in her sleep.

    Kia kaha, BAMFRuby <3

    1. That is so sad about your uncle Peri,
      It is such a scary thought
      I took the first step today and went to see my friend
      I can feel my mood lifting already
      I'm going to take tiny, teeny babysteps and hopefully they'll add up to big steps

      Thanks Peri

      Love you x

  4. Chose the way to recovery Ruby! Give it your best! You have 12 years to take back, the next 12 you should fill with passion for what you love and joy, but most of learn to accept yourself, love yourself. Remember the only thing holding you back is yourself. No one would love you less if you put on a couple of punds, most people wouldn't even notice. It's your eating disorder tricking you again. Stay strong, glad you're meeting up with your friend. Isolation only makes things worse. Much love. X

    1. Thanks Ebba, for your kind words
      It's so true, isolation is like fuel for my eating disorder
      I didn't want to go out today but I made myself and I was so glad I did.
      Getting out the door is my problem.

      Much love to you too x

    2. I just want to add, reading this post was very inspirational! Feel inspired to go and change something in my life now as well!! Cheers!! X

  5. That's great Ebba, I'm so glad! x

  6. We are not ok, ruby. i am scarred and it was serious, i am not a borderline person at all. rubbish body great body whatever. iam skinnier than ever and i hate it. can you hear ot world, i hate it. it's just a result of the pain. ruby check out please, check out of this it does not make things any better. i might not make sense, i just want to hug you babe.

  7. I just want to hug you too Loulou
    I know we're not ok
    I feel at my wits end but I still keep going further and further in to the madness

    Are you home? x

    1. i am, all by myself. i don't know what to think. i never wanted to die,i just did not want the life ahead. and now i do not know how to live at all. oh ruby ruby ... the ED is just the surface...isn't it? i have such a love for life is lethal--do you know what i mean?
      big hug, hun.

    2. Dearest Loulou, I wish I could do something to help
      Yes, I do know what you mean

      Stay in touch,

      Love ya x

  8. Sorry been away from blogging for a while and just catching up. I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. All I can say to that is, 'I know!' I know how you feel. It's horrible when it sneaks up on you. My recent relapse is an example. I just went on a diet...

    Hang on in there. You are not alone.

    Aggy x

    1. Good to hear from you Mary, I was wondering how you were

      I know, there are too many of us suffering which makes me so sad

      Love to you x

  9. Oh Ruby, it pains me to read that you are feeling so low right now, i know you are a fighter, i need you to keep trying for me. Death is what the ED wants and you cant let it win. it just is not right.. you are such a strong person and i know how tempting those whispers can be.. i love you and want you to hang in there.. well done for seeing your friend. sometimes it takes so much effort to get stop ourselves sinking so i am so very proud of you for doing it <3 love you soo much, believe me when i say that no one could fill your place, you deserve to live, not to be robbed of life, so fight Ruby, cos I am right here, fighting alongside you and we can beat this.

    Love you x

    1. Darling Rayya your comments always lift my spirits
      You are a dear friend to me and I am grateful for that

      Love you too x

  10. When you write, 'Reading their posts is like reading my own thoughts
    It breaks my heart to know that we are all going through the same thing', it feels like you have taken the words right out of my mouth. I hate the thought of yourself, or anyone, suffering in this way, because I know how terrible it feels, and you do not deserve to feel this way at all. I only wish I had a magic wand to make all the hurt and pain go away and for everyone to experience some form of freedom and happiness. XX

  11. I wish I had too, hopefully some day we will all get through this x

  12. Hey lovely. It really sucks to see you like this, knowing I can only say words through an e-mail or comment. I can't look you in the eye when I type this or give you a hug. I wish we didn't have to deal with all of this. I talked to a man last night at a meeting I have and he said something that I'm going to keep in mind. "We're never done dealing with things, there's always something." Not in a negative thing, but the fact that even though we move on from something, we can't just forget about it, we have to use it to make us stronger instead. We got up and shared our stories last night, and I was open, but only about a specific issue. I talked about my past issues of cutting, and I'm over that now, I will never never do it again, but I didn't mention anything about my ED history. I'm recovering, but not in recovery, if that makes sense. I'm trying my best to look at food differently, but I'm not putting 100% of my energy in it...idk, it's confusing. But today is today. It's a choice only you can make. Maybe read this blog post? I quite like it. It's helping me through this challenge.

    I love you hon. Hang in there. Somehow through all the stuff you've been through in life, all the drugs, all the hospitals, all the break downs, you are still here. God or fate or whatever could have let you starve to death or OD or people could have given up on you. But you are still here. Now stick around to figure out what that reason is. <3

    1. This was such a lovely comment, thank you

      That is what keeps me going, knowing there must be a reason for all of this

      Love you too x

  13. I had to actually sleep over night before answering to this. Darling, recovery of course. It's there, now you go the possibility to recover so take it. Do it, like you said this shit is always here waiting for you.

    Life can be scary, hard and even impossible from time to time but in the end it's always something we can learn from because the hard things stand there for different reasons. Sure we can learn from ed too and become better at it but in the end we just keep repeating the same lessons and never move forward.
    I really want to see you to get better now. Your suffering has been too long and all of us deserve a better life. You can do this Ruby, it's a decision and once you've make it, it's easier to work for it.

    Wish you well, and I'm here - if my VNP connection just allows me.


Thank you for leaving some love x