Monday, 8 October 2012

Blast From The Past

I was walking my dogs down my road yesterday, like I do every day, minding my own business when a jeep passed me
It stopped ahead of me turned and pulled in beside me
I thought it was someone looking for directions
I looked at the driver and thought 'I know that face'
I couldn't mistake those ice blue eyes
It was my ex-boyfriends bestfriend
As in the bestfriend of the boy I went out with for 7 years
As someone I took heroin with everyday for years
As in someone I thought I had left behind when I moved here 8 years ago
As I walked over to the jeep adrenaline began to pump through my veins
My first thought was 'Fuck, they found me'
I never told anyone where I was going when I left
I prayed his eyes wouldn't be pinned
I know I'm not strong enough to resist if I know he's using
'Wow!' I said, trying to keep the fear out of my voice 'What are you doing up here'
'I live here' he replied 'In the next village'
Christ, I thought, just down the road from me
We talked for a few minutes and I relaxed a little although nerves were still making me talk way too much, giving out way too much in formation
He asked me where I lived and I tried to be vague
I asked about my ex-boyfriend who he said is a methadone programme also
He gave me his number and told me to get in touch
I said I would
As he drove away my legs started to shake
I couldn't quite believe what had just happened
It was like seeing a ghost from a life I thought was dead and buried
My heroin addiction was so surreal that it's like it happened to someone else
I almost deny it ever happened
But I couldn't deny it today
Not when one of the main players of that time walks back in to my life
I walked back down my road in a bit of shock
Asking myself 'Did that just happen?'
I immediately needed to tell someone, if just to calm myself down
I decided against telling my family as it would only worry them greatly
So instead of talking to someone I pounded out 4 hours on the stepper
On pure adrenaline

But in fact this is not the first time I've run in to this guy since I left my old town
I ran in to him about 4/5 years ago in the next town
He was at a music festival so I didn't worry too much a he was only here for the weekend
But this is different
He's here, living in my sleepy little village
I don't know if he's using
I suspect from talking to him that he's not using heroin but he was always a weed smoker
And just because he's not using smack doesn't rule out all the other drugs
Not that I don't like this guy, I do
He is one of those fellas that everyone loves and wants to be around
But he comes with a whole bundle of trouble
As mad as a box of frogs
I hope I'm wrong
I hope to God that he is clean, for his sake and mine

We used to be a foursome
Me and my boyfriend, him and his girl friend
Partners in crime
We ended up staying all over the country using
This guy is striking looking
Tall, tattood with piercing blue eyes
The girls loved him
Wanted to take care of him
But he was a free spirit and that made him even more attractive
He always scared me a bit
You just never knew what he was going to do next
We took all kinds of drugs to together
Got in to all kinds of trouble
He used to inject heroin in to my neck when the veins in my arms collapsed
When I had a shower last night, I caught myself looking at the veins in my arm
The heat made them rise
I always had shocking veins which made shooting up near impossible
It didn't stop me trying though
For the first time in a long time I wondered what it would be like to use again
Bad Ruby, bad!
I wondered about my ex-boyfriend and what he's doing now
So in a not so intelligent moment I decided to text him
I remembered his number, it used to be mine
Is that a slippery slope I can feel?

I did wonder though
Why do I keep running in to this person when I'm trying so hard to run away
Is there a reason or am I just looking for a reason?
I am both thrilled and terrified at the prospect of seeing him again
And no doubt I will see him again
So what to do?
Avoid him?
Contact him?
Move again?
No, moving is ridiculous, this is my home now, I have a life here
And after all, I was here first
I hope that I'm over reacting
I hope he is clean and sorted and moved here for the same reasons I did
I hope we can see each other and be nice and polite with none of the shit from the past
I hope......

I've been weighing the past few days
Curiosity has been getting the better of me
It's slowly going down
I've been exercising up to 6 hours a day
But I'm giving myself the day off today and only going to walk my dogs
I'm loving the thought of a day spent watching Masterchef  Australia and Come Dine With Me

Why can't I get this guy out of my head?


  1. Oh Ruby! No no no.. dont text him, you dont need him in your life.. It is so easy to wonder and then one thing could easily lead to another. I wish you could tell Mary or someone, I really do..

    I hope you are ok.

    Wow I wish I could exercise 6 hours a day.. that sounds like a dream. Please take care of yourself x

  2. I know Rayya, I know how this story ends yet I can't seem to stop myself. We texted back and forth all morning and I started to crave, I know I need to stop this before I make a huge mistake.

    Exercising is more a chore than anything, I just can't feel I can relax until I have it all done.

    Thanks for your concern,

    Love you x

  3. Oh ruby... I have no words :( *hugs* Please, call someone, talk to someone about this, please please please don't do it. Can you call your friend who you saw last week, if you don't want to tell your family? I hope you find someone to support you through this -please don't try to do it alone. The fact you started to crave really worries me, and I'm sure it worries you too. You'll be in my thoughts as always, and I really hope you don't make this mistake. Love you dear ruby, sending lots of love and hugs and good energy out your way xxxx

  4. Thank you so much dear Bella, I know you understand where I'm coming from. I have to admit I am worried, apparently my old town is awash with heroin now and I have been craving.
    I spoke to my doctor this morning and I'll speak to Mary on Friday.
    Hopefully will see my friend tomorrow too.

    Sending love right back to you x

  5. pls, bella is so right, pls, talk to someone, you can also write me whenever, ruby, i will reply asap, and pls - you have done so well, think of the book you are planning to write, of the inspiration you are to countless people, all those other things the future could possibly hold for you, don't waste all you have got on this silly thing! lots of love to you and pls stay strong, you are so much better than these countless dull and boring addicts who are all the same and just want to drag people back down to their level. not because they are bad people, just because they are sick and they cannot hlep themsleves.don't slip back!!!

    Hugs hugs hugs


    1. I will Loulou, I know that keeping this to myself is not the right thing to do. After flirting with the idea of using I realise it's a huge mistake. I can't waste my life on a cheap thrill. I left that life behind for a reason, I became a person I didn't recognise.

      I will speak to someone

      Thank you and hugs to you too x

  6. I can only imagine what it's like to be in your situation. My impression is you have some kind of desire to use heroin again and seeing this person only makes that urge stronger. Fight it girl! Stay away from this boy if he's such a big trigger for you. Throw away that number he gave you and leave behind all connections to your old life, at least until you're in a better place mentally. I don't know...that's the only suggestion I can think would be of any help. Much love xx

    1. That is a good suggestion Rae, to delete his number, it takes the temptation away.
      No doubt I will run in to him again but I don't have to be friends with him.
      This has really unsettled me but I'm not going to throw my life away this time.

      Thank you x

  7. Take this as a sign to get to a meeting. As I sit here reading your blog I can tell you know it is a sign. You have been asking for a sign and here it is. GO. You know it is true and that you want it. If you didn't want recovery it wouldn't even be a question in your mind.

    1. That is true Josie, I have been looking for a sign
      My first thought was to ring an NA friend and haul ass to a meeting and I think I will go this Thursday.
      I know if I keep thinking about it, it will lead to no good.

      Thank you x

    (-Moss from I.T Crowd and Samuel L Jackson)

    Talk to Mary, ok? Don't risk letting them back into your life until you know you're strong enough to resist the temptation to throw yourself away. Please?

    6 hours a days? Bloody hell that's a full-time job! (Says the girl who works a standing-up-and-hauling-meat job) How on earth are you going to find time to write during NaNo? D: Can I beta-read your thing when you're finished? *puppydog eyes*

    It doesn't sound like you're enjoying the exercise so much. If you're not enjoying it you could try to cut it back down again? A little a day or every-other-day, whatever works best. Why waste your time on something that isn't all that fun? (Think like a two-year-old :p)

    Maybe it's curiosity? That thing is dangerous to cool cats like you!

    Take care of yourself, ok? Love you to bits <3

    1. The exercise is a chore Peri
      I think I do it because it helps my anxiety and also I feel compelled to keep going.
      NaNo will be a good distraction though, I signed up just now
      They do say curiosity killed the cat or in my case drove the cat insane.

      Love you to bits and pieces x

  9. Your awareness is good, but some things are better left in the past. I can't believe you texted your ex! All of this is a very slippery slop. Please don't relapse!! If it's a bad idea to tell your family you rain into him, think how bad an idea it is to actually hang out with him!

  10. I know Clytie, it's all bad news but I seem to have come to my senses today and I realise how stupid it would be to see my ex again and I have no intention of meeting him x

  11. Ruby darling. Please if you feel like seeing him has triggered you at all, or if you get any hint that he's still using, go straight to an NA meeting. Please please please promise me?
    I'm so worried about you. You've come so far. I hate that he's dragging you back, even only slightly. I wish I could be here to hug you and help you avoid temptation.
    I love you Ruby, please stay strong. You've come too far to let anything knock you down again.

  12. I will sweetie, please don't worry
    I hope to get to a meeting on Thursday and I will speak to someone before then

    Love you too x

  13. It sounds like the reappearance of this guy was really triggering. I would advise you to stay away from him. And after reading this post and reading your goal, yeah, I would say an NA meeting is a good idea, just to make sure you keep yourself on your feet.
    Also, six hours of exercise sounds incredibly painful. Especially six hours of running on a stepper. How do you keep yourself going for that long?

    1. It's ridiculous Emily, the exercise. I get up at stupid 0 clock to start. I walk my dogs for an hour twice a day then spend up to 4 hours on the stepper. My feet are in bits when I'm finished but I can't seem to relax until I have it all done.

      Thanks for your comment x

  14. It doesn't matter if he's using or not. I know, believe me, I KNOW how hard it is, but you're a different person, living different life and you owe nothing to this guy except being nice to him, but being nice doesn't mean going out with him or doing the things he does. You're a different person. Be strong. If you think there's a reason for him to see you, yes, I think there is. Is your chance to prove to yourself and to all of us how strong you actually are.

    Stay strong

    1. It's true, there's no reason for me to be friends with him and I owe him nothing. I feel a lot better today and know that being around him could set me back. I'm sure I'm a trigger for him asa well x

  15. It's scary when that sort of thing happens, when someone from the past just appears. Whether he is there or not, this this is your life and you are in control of it. Just because he is back in it, it does not mean things have to go back to how they were. Reminiscing is different to slipping back. Be strong Ruby. You really have come so far, you are a new person now. This is a challenge, but you can get through it. Good luck with your meeting on Thursday. Please take care <3
    Alice xx

    1. Thanks Alice, you are sweet
      I think I am strong enough to weather this storm and I have good support around me.
      I definitely won't be testing my ex again x

  16. sometimes the past haunts us and tempt us
    i have been tempted ive been to the past and relived it and it didnt work
    you cant go back looking for a fix the same fix that fixed u before because it will never work
    think about how far uve come from then and ur life is so much more in control than back then
    much love

    1. Thanks Englishrose, this is like a test and I'm determined to pass it. My life was a mess back then and I hurt my family badly, they would panic if they knew he was around.

      Much love to you x

  17. Wow, I love the way you write. I relate to every keystroke. I know the foursome deal in the drug world. Two couples together on a mission. I remember laying down on the bed with my head hanging upside down for the neck shot. Didn't want anyone to see the naughty marks. There are people I miss and am very curious about sometimes. I am scared to see them. Worked too hard to get to where I am on life's journey. Sometimes the past is like a finished chapter in a book. Why re-read it when you already know the words? Peace....xo

    1. So true Lori and after all they so say curiosity killed the cat.
      I just need to stay strong remind myself of all the bad stuff I went through.

      Thanks x

  18. I don't know how I've missed your blog for so long, I only happened across it today and I'm a truly bad blogger considering you've commented on mine before. Your writing is beautiful.
    Darling, you can't go back down that road. It only leads to bad things and there is no light at the end of that tunnel. Don't let yourself slip back into old habits. You can't go back into the past. Keep moving forwards.
    Stay safe please

  19. I'm trying so very hard to stay strong, heroin addiction leads to 3 places, jails, institutions and death.

    Thanks for your comment x

  20. please stay away from him. He is poison. You will die. I've been there, girl. Please be strong and stay away from him. He needs to get better and you need to stay better.

    1. I will stay away and hopefully I won't run in to him

      Thanks for your comment x

  21. Your bravery astounds me, Ruby.

    Sent you a wee email, hope you got it.

    Think I need to send you some real mail soon too...

    I don't have much to say that everyone else hasn't already touched upon - do not, by any means, contact this guy. There is nothing good for you there. We (I!) love you.

    1. I don't think I got your email but I will check again now

      Love you too x


Thank you for leaving some love x