Wednesday, 10 October 2012

Memoirs Of A Heroin Addict

As I said in my last post after running in to my 'blast from the past' I contacted my ex boyfriend
It seemed like a good idea at the time
We texted back and forth for a while
He  told me that he misses me
That I was the best friend he ever had
Thankfully I don't have any feelings left for this guy
He told me that he is also on a methadone programme
That my old town is awash with heroin
When I was living  there I think me and my friends were the first heroin addicts
There were no dealers dealing heroin so we had to go to Dublin
We went up 3/4 times a week
But now there are countless dealers in my old town
I have to admit by this stage I was full blown craving and using started to seem like a good idea
Once can't hurt right?
But of course I know that there is no such thing as once
One turns in to 2, turns in to 3 and before you know it you're strung out again
I spoke to my doctor about it on Monday
He  pointed out that  if my 'blast from the past' moved up here then he must be clean, my area is not exactly 'heroin central'
I haven't heard from him either so that's good

So in an effort to stop myself from craving/using I've been trying to remember the bad things about my drug using days
All too often I remember the good times and that's when I relapse
And in the beginning there were good times
I first used heroin around the time of my 18th birthday
I was in my boyfriends house and he said he had a surprise for me
I watched as he injected heroin in to his arm
I smoked it the first time and injected it the second time
I was hooked instantly
It was like a switch flicked in my brain
All of a sudden heroin became the most important thing in my life
I was working and started to steal money
We spent every weekend in Dublin using
I still look back on this time with fond memories
It wan't until I became physically addicted that things started to go wrong
I started to wake up sicker and sicker
We moved to Dublin and our drug use escalated
I eventually went to treatment for the first time in 2004 after doing a detox in London
The stay was over 4 months long
My first couple of weeks were bumpy and I smoked hash with another girl but thankfully we weren't kicked out
I knuckled down for the next two months and made good progress
But then things started to go wrong
I got friendly with two new guys
There was a spark between me and one of them and so I became completely distracted
I was nearing the end of my time and so I decided to go on to another treatment centre
Before I left I told the guy that I liked him and he told me the same
We kept in touch by letter
Then my counsellor stopped giving me my letters as she said they were distracting me
I got so angry that I ended up walking out
When my guy heard that I had left,, he walked out of treatment too
We met up that week and started a relationship
We relapsed on alcohol immediately
I started to stay with him in Dublin
I remember it was mothers day when we relapsed on heroin
It was a disaster
I remember we went in a cafe to use in the bathroom
I was in the ladies and he was in the mens
He didn't come out after ages and when he did he said he had collapsed
Because we hadn't used in a while our tolerance was way down therefore had more of a risk of overdosing

He came down to see me here one weekend
He brought heroin and coke with him and we shot them up together
I woke up in the middle of the night to see him going to the bathroom
He had his washbag and I knew he was going to use because that's where he kept his works (syringe)
I told him not to, that he'd done enough already
But he didn't listen
A few minutes he came back rubbing his nose
He sat down on the bed and slid off the end on to the floor
He managed to get back up on to the bed
Then he started to shake
I screamed his name trying to get him to wake up but his eyes were rolling back in his head
He turned blue and his lips turned purple
I started to slap him across the face
'Fuck' I kept saying 'Fuck, fuck,fuck!'
I rang my ex boyfriend to ask him what to do
He told me to ring an ambulance
So I did
I kept trying to get him to wake up as I could tell he wasn't breathing
Images flashed my mind of me telling his parents that he had overdosed in my bedroom
No,  no, no, please no!
By now he'd been down about 10 minutes and I was sure he was dead but I kept shouting his name and slapping his face
Then all of a sudden he made a noise like he was trying to inhale and his eyes opened
He came to and told me to cancel the ambulance, so I did
He was coming in and out of consciousness and I was afraid so I called the ambulance again
Again he told me to cancel so I rang then back
Understandably they were getting angry with me and told me they were sending out one anyway
It arrived but I was too afraid to answer the door
In the end he was ok but it was one of the scariest nights of my life
I've overdosedmyself before but it was much scarier watching someone else
We broke up soon after that
I couldn't go in to that room for months after that

So it's incidences like this that put me off using
I have to remember that with the good feelings of the drug comes a whole lot of trouble
And it's just not worth it
I was lucky to escape addiction relatively unscathed
While I  was craving on Monday suicide also popped in to my head again as it does from time to time
I though about storing up my meds
How many would I need?
4 weeks?
6 weeks?
But thankfully that was just a fleeting thought
I'm planning to go a meeting tomorrow night
I need the support right now
It scared me that even thought I've been away from drugs for a couple of years, a craving can hit you like a slap in the face
Like eating disorder recovery, drug recovery takes constant work
It doesn't just go away, you have to work at it everyday
And I am working at it


  1. hey darling.. reading that sounds terrifying, you must have been absolutely petrified my dear.. I am glad you are going to a meeting because as you said a craving can hit you at any time.

    Stay strong darling, I am glad you managed to bat away those suicidal thoughts.

    Love you x

  2. Cravings are hard. If they're strong enough they have the ability to make everything else seem less important, only to emphasise their own significance.
    That story with your ex overdosing... Whenever you're craving, remember how you felt that night. Remember all the horror of drugs. And remember you woulnd't want to go back to that, or risk putting others in the very same situation you were in.

    XX We have a riot start, remember.

  3. I remember Ebba, I'm right with you x

  4. I love you, keep going, hold on by those fingernails and claw your way back up xxxx

  5. Remember the human brain has a tendency to edit memories so that only the good aspects of a situation are recalled. Remember the shit times and remember them WELL and don't go back there. Coz I'd have to come and kick your scrawny Irish ass.

    It's tons of work, ay. But you're so worth it. Don't ever doubt that. Would you rather die standing and free on on your knees in slavery?

    You write NaNo on your own computer, but submit a copy/paste to the automated verifier in the last few days of the month. (Back your novel up EVERY DAY on a memory stick. Or two. Safe and back up OFTEN)

    You'll get NaNoMailed Pep-Talks and you should definitely stalk your area forums. Write-Ins are fun. Trust me. Go to one, or two, or three. Get some motivation and encouragement and prompts and tips from more experienced, less sane NaNo-ers. (They don't bite unless you ask them to!)

    I like the second title better. It shows that this shit isn't all sunshine and unicorn farts. You don't have to keep your first title, though. You can change it AND the synopsis AND the excerpt at any point until the site re-launch next year :)

    Lol, my imagination is seriously fucked up. Fucked up is the ONLY way to explain a romantic one night stand with a straight-girl-in-a-guy's-body and a gay boy. Omfg, so unspeakably fucked up. At least this year it's only attempted genocide. ONLY. Wtf?!?

    All my love fancy tea to you Ruby. Take care of yourself up there <3

    1. Cool! I think I like the second one better too
      I just have to psych myself up and then I'll be ready for NaNo
      Are you excited?

      Peace and Love to you dear friend x

  6. After reading this I have a new appreciation for all the hard work you've put into recovery. Heroin addiction is a hard place to come from, and you did it, so good job! Keep reminding yourself of all that hard work so that you won't relapse. It sounds like you're thinking that way already, so all I can say is that I hope it works out for you and that you're able to keep strong!

  7. Thanks Emily, heroin takes such a grip on you that it is very hard to get away from it. In my case I was lucky in that I could walk away from my town, my old friends and everything that reminded me of drugs. I got to start my life over so I am fortunate in that way x

  8. God I couldn't imagine trying to fight off two demons with the power eating disorder and drug addiction have. You are so brave and must understand so much <3

  9. Skeletons in the closet, sometimes they invite you to dance so politely that you almost believe that they don't want to kill you.

    Stay strong, those ghosts will wipe everything away if you let them to. Carving is just a feeling, isn't that what we always think? Now turn it other way around.

    Lots of love and will power. You're a strong woman and you can handle this.

    1. I don't feel too strong these days but thanks Tatyana x

  10. I'm not sure if you like hip hop, but I want you to give this song a listen. I was thinking about you're post a lot today and how to respond to it, but then I heard this song and it kind of reminded me of this post. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and I'm glad you're trying, because that's all we can really do.

  11. Awh thanks sweetie, you are too lovely
    I do like hip hop, I used to teach a hip hop dance class for kids x

    Love to you x

  12. I am so glad you decided to go to a meeting. Remember these are people who understand why you haven't been to a meeting, you are not the first person to skip a few months here and there, its ok. Good luck hun!

  13. Thank you Josie, I hope to go soon x


Thank you for leaving some love x