Friday, 12 October 2012

Girl Interrupted

I'm slipping again
I can feel it
I think because I was craving drugs I turned to my eating disorder instead
I've been abusing my meds again
Using them to knock myself out
Yesterday I went food shopping and I shoplifted dog treats
Not because I couldn't afford them, just because I wanted a buzz, a rush
I hadn't shoplifted in months, it hadn't even crossed my mind
Suicidal ideation is taking up more and more space in my head
Thinking about and craving death but not actually doing anything about
My eating disorder is draining every bit of energy I have
I'm mentally and physically exhausted
The thoughts of having to live like this for another year, month, week,  day is too much to bear
I'm sure others think I am doing well
I put on a well rehearsed act
But that is so very tiring also
I don't want to leave the house anymore
I just want to hide
Or should I say my eating disorder wants me to hide
A friend of mine used to say 'tell on your eating disorder'
'Do the opposite of what it wants you to do'
But these days I can't tell my own thoughts from my eating disorder
I had planned to go to an NA meeting but last night
But I took 3 days worth of meds instead and slept for the day
I fear for my sanity
I fear I may be going mad
Or maybe I have already
I'm not quite sure

I've been in contact with a girl from treatment
I told her my situation and she suggested that I ring Imelda from the EDRP (Eating disorder recovery programme)
I would love to ring her and would maybe even consider going back in to treatment but 2 things are stopping me
I've been in this programme 3 times in the last 5 years and the last time they told me that if I came back, then that would be my last chance
So you see I have to make sure I am 100% committed if I do go back, I don't want to waste that chance
The other thing that stop me going back is the nurses
I had some trouble with 2 nurses in particular
One day I heard one of them taking the piss out of me
As you can imagine I was devastated
This nurse was in a position  of authority and I was in a very vulnerable place
I remember crying so hard all day and ended up self harming with a razor
Imelda was great and took my side but the nurses all stuck up for each other
My friend told me that this nurse no longer works on this ward
But I'd still be nervous to go back

Apart from a couple of incidences my time in treatment was pretty positive
As I said I've been in there 3 times
The place is a psychiatric hospital but it's not like a regular mental hospital with cold hallways and stark rooms
This place was comfortable and quite plush
Everyone had their own room and bathroom, they were like little apartments
It costs a ridiculous amount of money but I'm fortunate that my parents have health insurance
The EDRP was on a ward called St. Brigid's
It wasn't just eating disorder patients on the ward, there were people with all kinds of mental illness like depression, anxiety, bipolar
The programme was very intense
Groups all day Monday to Friday such as goals, body image and meal planning
I have some really fond memories from this time
Mostly of the other girls
They were some of the most beautiful, talented, intelligent, artistic girls I have ever met
I really felt like I could be me in there
Because we were are all in the same boat there was no reason to hide
I could cry, shout, scream and no one would have batted an eye lid
It was so freeing just to be me without any of the amour I use in real life
I could let all my defences down and just be Ruby
I guess it says alot about me that I felt so comfortable in a psychiatric hospital
Everyone spoke so freely about their illness and nothing was taboo
It's a sad truth that there is still such a stigma to mental health
I know in this country we are very bad at talking about it
All too often it is just brushed under the carpet and hoped that it will go away
Mental illness is rife on my dad's side of the family but it is rarely talked about
I'm quite open with my own struggles and will talk about it to anyone who asks
And surely that is the key, talking about it
Too many people suffer in silence, afraid of the back lash from others

I'm quite sure where to go from here
I'm seeing Mary in an hour
I'm lucky to see her once a week but I don't think it's enough
One hour a week is not enough
I feel like a fly caught in a spiders web
I am no match for the spider
This eating disorder feels like it is so much bigger than me
That I am powerless
I know my eating disorder wants me dead
It won't be satisfied until I am 6 feet under
I wish there was more of a fight in me
That I cared enough about myself to fight
The truth is that death doesn't scare me
Life scares me more
I can't decide which is worse, a life with this eating disorder or a life without it
I want to want to get well if that makes sense
I want to want to live
I wish this thing would loosen it's grasp on me
I wish I had the courage to walk away and be free
I wish I had the will to get better
I wish you did too
I wish that I wasn't in so deep 
I wish.............


  1. Hi sweetheart, let me know/ us know how it goes with Mary? I'm worried for you and want you to be okay so I hope seeing Mary is helpful and she has some good suggestions for you xxx

  2. Thanks Nina, just going to see her now

    Love you x

    1. I really hope seeing her helped even if only a little xxxx

    2. Just back from seeing her and I do feel better having spoken to her,

      Thanks Nina x

  3. I'm glad you speak freely here, it helps me. EDs and among other things do trick us into feeling like we are powerless- I know you still care, I know there is still a strong fight in you.
    Have faith, find hope, stay strong
    All my love goes out to you, hang in there darling xx

    1. There is an ever so small fight left in me Melrose and I'm trying to stay strong

      Love to you x

  4. Dear Ruby, despite feeling like you've lost your mind, I'm quite sure you have't. You're still in there.
    EDs mess with our minds. They want us to isolate oursleves, stay inside and stop us from interacting with others. Therefore we must do the opposite. Seeing Mary once a week is probably not enough. You say you are quite open about your problems? Theat's good. No need to deny the problem. Find others to talk to as well (internet is good, but real life is better). Simply talking about your problems might help you see them in a different more objective way. Give you the strength to fight them. Take care. X

    1. Thanks Ebba, it is true, the support I get here is great but face to face contact is even better, I've been isolating so much that I think I've lost all my social skills
      I hope I haven't lost my mind

      Take care of you too x

  5. Can I hug you right now? Please? It is exhausting but sometimes we need the distraction of others. Maybe you can hang out with/find people to hang out with who know you're not always fairy dust and sunshine and don't give a fuck?

    It feels bigger than you because it's sucking all your energy to feed itself.

    I wish I could help you the way you help me. I wish I could hug you and give you a shoulder to lean on. I wish I could hold your hand as we fight out of the darkness. I wish I could help you to care about yourself, even a little bit. You ARE worthy of care of love and of fighting and being fought for. You're not alone.

    I hope things go well with Mary and she can help a bit. Let us know how things go, ok?

    Your comments were great and they DID make sense. Lol, your comments sometimes make too MUCH sense, in the HERE-IS-TRUTH-AND-GOOD-SENSE-LOOK-AT-IT-LOOOOK kind of way ^.^ It's a good thing

    ASDFKJDAGSFASHG our local NaNo meetup is next week! I'm so excited! I get to hassle Tomoyan (Our ML) about shaving 2/3 of her hair off XD She'll be used to it by now, probably. I got a notebook for notemaking and OMG I NEED TO PLOTS AND DO CHARACTERS AND HAAAAALP! It's already starting. Eehehehehe!

    Sorry to spaz all over you >.<

    Sending you all my love and many hugs from Down Under <3

    1. Awh thanks Peri, you are too lovely
      You do help me, more than you know, every comment makes my heart swell.

      I just saw Mary and then babysat for my friend while she saw her. Being in contact with my friend again is great, she totally gets the food thing so I don't feel like the only one.

      Sending love and hugs back to you from halfway across the world x

    2. I'm glad the words help a bit. I just feel so useless at times because I haven't the foggiest of what it's like to try to tell life-sucking addiction to go fuck itself and all I have are words coz I'm too far away to actually hug you :(

      How did things go with Mary? You ok? I'm glad you have a bit of face-to-face moral support. Pull eachother towards life? Lol, she can force you to be "Aunty Ruby" the way K and S have made me "Aunty 'Pree". It's hard to not be distracted from the headstate when Laurie (5yrs) is trying to dance Gangnam Style with his 1-year-old sister is copying him XD

      Omg you'd LOVE the stationary shops in Japan. I swear my head nearly exploded from an overload of sheer awe whenever I walked into one XD

      Bring on the NaNo! We can DO THIS! Those word counts will fall like petals from the cherry trees, like drunk freshers from gutters, like crockery from shelves in Christchurch. Oh yesssss this is going to be LEGEN-. . .waitforit. . . -DARY!

      Sending all my love and hot sups of tea from the Deep South *hugs*

    3. You're kind words are more than enough Peri

      Wow, I was watching the video to Gangnam style just now, it's freakin' hilarious!

      Love you darling Peri

      Coffee and cigarettes from rainy Ireland x

  6. unable to stop the thoughts is exhausting, and talking to someone once a week never seems enough. I think talking to the nurse from the ED unit would be a good idea.

    Have you read the book: Wasted? If not, you should. I think you could relate to it. She too had an ED with drug addiction, and bipolar.


    1. If you mean the Marya Hornbacher 'Wasted' then yes I have read it, twice. It's a brilliant book and so well written but I find it very triggering so I couldn't read it again.

      Thanks for the suggestion though x

  7. Allow yourself to feel the feelings you have. You deserve to feel them, being good or bad. It's not a bad thing to feel. Be strong.

  8. I don't think you've lost you're mind, not at all. I've known people that have been in hospitals and treatment before, but that doesn't mean they're too far gone. Its never too late to decide. No matter how many times you go through, it doesn't have to be hopeless. I hope your meeting with Mary was good. <3

  9. It was good and I feel a bit better, thanks x

  10. Just keep fighting girl. I know you are strong enough to overcome it. Xo

  11. It sounds like you are hurting very badly. But you have a lot going for you: you are aware you are not well and you know a place that you feel can help you. Making this choice is very hard because you are trying to think logically with a malnurished body and mind. That is why a lot of treatment centers force you to gain wt right away, it is very hard if not impossible to have a clear head while starving. Going there would not be a waste no matter what the outcome is in a few months. Like you have said before you can try it and if you think it is not worth it you can stop treatment. No matter what there is no way it could be a waste.

    1. I was just talking about treatment with my mother today, I only have one chance left in the hospital I was before so I need to be really sure I'm committed, I'm going to ring Imelda next week and see what she thinks.

      Thanks Josie x


Thank you for leaving some love x