Monday, 29 October 2012

Dear Anorexia

Following the letter from my mother, Mary suggested that I write a letter to my eating disorder
Here goes -

Dear Anorexia,
                          We've been together for a long time now.  It's been 12 years since I first became aware of you, but looking back I can see that you were silently developing ever since I was a child.  You saw that I was vulnerable, a prime candidate.  You saw that I needed a friend and you pretended to be mine.  At first you whispered softly in my ear, so subtle that I didn't notice at first.  At ballet you scrutinised my body in the mirror, pointing out all the flaws.  You pointed out another girl that was long and lean and told me that I should look like her.  When my ballet teacher told me I was losing too much weight, you were delighted and praised me highly.  But it wasn't enough, you wanted more.

                          I didn't notice you when I was in active drug addiction.  I thought I was losing weight because of the drugs.  When I went in to hospital to do a drug detox, you reared your ugly head.  You told me not to eat, food was bad.  I would get fat if I ate and there was nothing worse than being fat. You told me to hide food in my locker, to flush it down the toilet and to purge.  When the nurse sat me down and I told me I had anorexia, you were so angry.  You told me that she was wrong, that she didn't have a clue what she was talking about.  I believed you and dismissed what she said.  After all, you said, I wasn't thin enough to be anorexic.

                           For the next few years I kept denying you.  I didn't want to believe that I had an eating disorder.  But when I went to drug treatment for the first time, I couldn't deny you any longer.  I admitted that I had a problem but I wasn't sure I wanted to give you up.  You were like my bestfriend, a constant companion who I thought I couldn't live without.  Then you brought along your friend bulimia.  Unlike anorexia bulimia was invisible, she told me that she had found a loophole, that I could eat and not gain weight.  She taught me how to purge.  This became my new addiction.

                          You have consumed me ever since.  Every waking moment my mind is filled with thoughts of weight, food and numbers.  You told me I was fat but in reality I had the body of a male child.  You have turned from being my bestfriend to being my worst enemy.  I think of you as an abuser.  Like an abuser you groomed me and lured me in with false promises of happiness.  But once I was held captive you showed your true colours and how evil you really are.

                           You crept in yo my life like a thief in the night and like a thief you stole so much.  You took my health and sapped my body of any energy it had and left me with the body of a pre-pubescent child.  You stole my hopes and dreams and any plans for a happy future.  You latched on to me and drained me of any self confidence, self worth and self esteem.  You isolated me from family and friends and left me alone and lonely.  You left me paranoid, anxious, depressed and hating myself, so self conscious that I didn't want to leave the house. My peace of mind is gone, sleep is the only release I get.  You stole my education and any plans to make something of my life.  But most of all you stole my will to live and left me with a passive death wish, thinking I would be better off dead.  You took a young woman and left her with the withered face of an old woman and a cold brittle body.

                        I have no doubt that you want me dead.  You are slowly poisoning my body and mind.  But I won't let that happen.  I won't let you take me like you have taken so many others.  I'm fighting so very hard and every day I get a little bit stronger.  I will do the opposite of what you want me to do.  I will drown out your voice and try to live my life.  Having you in my life is like having  full time job with no days off.  I work hard for you all week ie restricting and exercise and at the end of the week you expect a big fat pay check in the form of weight loss.  But I have learned the hard way that thin does not equal happiness.  I was just as sick and miserable at my lowest weight as I was at my highest weight.  You've been in my life for so long that I don't know life without you.  But I am willing to take the risk to find out.  You left me like a scared, sick child but now I'm growing in to the young woman I was meant to be.  I'm learning to like myself and not measure my worth by the numbers on a scale.  As a good friend once said to me,  it's not a choice between anorexia and recovery, it's a choice between life and death and I choose life.

                                                                          Yours never,


  1. If your ED was a corporeal person I'd be hunting them down to get medieval on their ass with pliers and a blowtorch. And a cheesegrater and hand sanitiser. (Ever gotten that stuff in a papercut? OW OW FUCKING OWOWOW)

    You can do it and you are so worth it. Life is weird, scary, boring, interesting, confusing, funny and full of unknown things. Shall we emulate the crew of the NCC1701 and boldly go where we have not gone before?

    If I take my holiday earlier year I could make it up your way in time for Halloween, but that would mean having my Second Ever Winter Birthday as well. Do you guys do Guy Fawkes up your way? o.O

    Hmmmm Co-Host. I could try, I have no idea how to host a party. You'd have to teach me or give me a set of instructions XD Do you know how to tie corsets? I totally want to dress as Frankenfurter one year. A girl dressing as a guy dressing as a transsexual. Mindfuck FTW. Any travel is totally dependant on moving in with other people, though. Living solo I can't afford it >.< The K and S thing may fall through if they end up buying a house, so I may be stuck here. Ugh. I'm annoyed but can't deny them their first family home because I want to travel!

    Omg have you seen Black Books? Hysterical. Dylan Moran is amazing. I got annoyed at them being drunk a lot, though. Ok I'm so finding a box set of Outrageous Fortune and sending it to you. It may take a while to acquire though.

    You read it to her? She liked it? *Squirms* I don't understand the term saying she was 'made up'. You invented her? She invented you? Irish slang? *is confused* Peri has The Dumbs today.

    NaNo is fast approaching, you still keen? If you don't feel like doing it you could be the Official Nag and pester me to stay on track so there aren't any 7k+ sprint days like last year ^.^;

    Sending you hugs and tons of love from Down Under xoxo

    1. I never thought about it before but 'made up' is a strange saying. I guess it means she was happy or chuffed.
      Yes us Irish do have a weird way with words, when I go to Australia I'll be brushing up on their slang too.

      I hate to say it Peri but I don't think NaNo is going to happen for me this year, I'm just not in the best frame of mind to do it.
      Try to beat this mother fucker of an eating disorder is taking every ounce of my energy.
      I'm sorry to flake out on you before it's even begun but I will totally be your chief cheerleader.

      Hope, faith and love from Ireland x

  2. You have been through SO much...and you are right. It's a choice between life or death and sometimes death feels easier but you've overcome addiction and you can conquer this too. Sending you courage, persistence and peace. Nataly. xo.

  3. You did such a wonderful job writing your letter. I was asked at treatment to write my eating disorder a letter, but I still haven't been able to do it. There's so much I want to say but don't know how to say it. Your letter is an inspiration for me to want to do it. Keep up the hard work beautiful.
    XOXO Katie

  4. Thank you Katie, you are doing an amazing job too

    Stay strong x

  5. This is lovely. Did it help you feel better about anything? In treatment I wrote a letter to my ED too and I wanted to cry. It's surprisingly emotional, considering that our illnesses aren't actual people. (or maybe I'm just the type that always tries to push emotions away from the ED. but whatever)

  6. It did Emily, it made things a bit clearer in my head and even though I am scared I still want to get well.
    It's true, we tend to personify our illness, I know I do x

  7. i am sorry that this has happened to you, I am sorry that anorexia singled you out and has made you suffer so much, but I am so happy that there is so much fight in you. I love you dearly and just want you to be happy. Anorexia doesnt make anyone happy. It is evil and deceitful and I am so so so very glad that you are choosing to not give up.

    Love you xx

  8. Thanks Rayya, I am fighting so very hard and you are right, anorexia only brings misery and heartbreak.

    Love you too dearest x

  9. This is such a powerful letter, you should feel proud of the journey you've made, and even prouder of the fact that you choose life! X

  10. Powerful stuff, you write so well!

    'it's not a choice between anorexia and recovery, it's a choice between life and death and I choose life.'

    I don't think I could have put it better myself. You never chose to be sick, we don't choose to be addicts, but recovery is a choice and I believe you are strong enough!


  11. That's so moving and powerful. You're so strong, I'm so proud of how proud you've come, I'm sure you will beat this one day.
    Take care.


Thank you for leaving some love x