Being in a methadone programme I have to see him once a week
We seem to have run out of health related topics to talk about
This week the subject of swimming came up and I was telling him that I used to be a competitive swimmer
Straight away he asked me if I had been sexually abused at my swimming club
I said no but that there was someone who was borderline inappropriate
'Why do you ask' I said
He said because sexual abuse is common in people with anorexia
Of course I knew that already but I am not one of those people
I have been asked that question many times over the years but thankfully no I've never been sexually abused
I guess people look for a reason as to why I developed an eating disorder
They presume there must have been some dramatic reason as to why this happened
Some great trauma
In my case there was no great trauma
More like a million little traumas
I suppose that's the same thing
I think people look for something or someone to blame but the truth is there is not always a reason as to why we are the way we are
Then we spoke about the bone scan I have to go for next week
He said no to be surprised if I have osteoporosis
He spoke at length about how when people are given a diagnosis, they stop being people and start becoming a patient
He said when people are told they are sick, they start to act sick
I could relate to this around my eating disorder
When I was diagnosed my first thought was 'Well I'm anorexic now, I better start acting anorexic'
The mind is a very powerful thing
Once I was labelled as 'anorexic' and 'sick' I began to live up to these diagnosis
Especially the word 'sick'
I've been told I am sick my whole life
If enough people tell you this then it must be true
Labels are dangerous things
It boxes us off and puts us in categories
And once labelled it's very hard to get rid of that label
I still consider myself a drug addict even though I haven't used in 2 years
I understand that people need a word to describe what ever is wrong with us but I think we need to be careful when handing out these labels
For me, I don't know where my eating disorder ends and Ruby begins
We are so intertwined
Like a snake coiled around a tree
But I am not anorexic, I have anorexia
I am not a drug addict, I'm a recovering drug addict
This night 2 years ago I put on a Halloween dance show with 20 kids
I used to be a hip hop teacher
I remember when I saw the ad in the shop window 'Hip hop teacher wanted'
Even though my background was ballet and I had never done hip hop in my life, I applied for the job, which I then got
I taught myself hip hop from DVDs
Within 2 weeks I had three dance classes going
Looking back I can't quite believe I did that
That I had the confidence to get up in front of a class of kids and teach them
It seems like a life time ago
At the time my weight was quite healthy and things were going quite well
I taught for almost 2 years
We put on 3 shows in that time
But then things started to go wrong
We practised in a boxing club and there was a proper weighing scales there
I started to weigh myself again
Then a friend commented that I had lost weight
I weighed myself and I had indeed lost half a stone
This immediately triggered me
I began to restrict again
Then the dancing became too much
Over night I lost all confidence and couldn't find the strength to continue
I told the kids I was taking some time off but 2 years later I still haven't gone back and I can't see myself going back any time soon
It's sad because I loved it but I just can't imagine going back
I feel bad that I let the kids down
And myself
Maybe some day........
I've never been sexually abused either. Sometimes I feel guilty, like I haven't been molested so I have no right to be this fucked up. The brain makes no fucking sense at all when it comes up with things like that!'
ReplyDeleteYesssssss the label thing YES THIS. People need to be damn careful with the labels they stick on each-other and on themselves!
I hope you get the courage up to teach again one day. You can do it, bit at a time. What I've been trying to live by is "Better a thousand tiny steps in the right direction than a massive leap that makes you fall straight back" It helps a bit. Keeping your footing secure and all that.
This is for you:
http://glueandpieces.tumblr.com/post/34717561651
Love you so much. Sending many many hugs from down under <3
I hope so Peri and that's so true, better lots of little steps in the right direction.
ReplyDeleteI think that has been my problem, that I try to take huge leaps before I am ready.
Love you too
Peace and love from eye-R-land
Yes! It is quite an odd thing, our minds eventually believing what people think we are. I have always thought that if someone repetitively calls you stupid, that's what we allow ourselves to become. "Labels are dangerous things" and people love handing them out.
ReplyDeleteIt's interesting what all contributed to my disordered eating and such things. My small abuse happened after all my behaviors started, so it only amplified them not began them. But you're right sometimes there just isn't a big dramatic thing, I think we try so hard to find it because it gives a small amount of closure to all the 'whys'. Although not everything can be explained.
Maybe when the time is right you will be able to begin dance and other things you love again, but for now do what's best for Ruby. You are a lovely being, and so very strong xx
I agree Melrose, I think people look for a reason as to why we are the way we are, we look for someone or something to blame and it's not always the case. For me it was loads of little traumas that contributed to my addiction and anorexia.
ReplyDeleteHope you're well x
I don't know if you read my blog the other day sweetie, but it talks about different factors that contribute to eating disorders a little bit. I was in hip hop dancing as well and discontinued it when my abusive boyfriend at the time told me that I was too fat to be up there in front of all those people. I miss it too. And I completely understand what you mean about having to be sick if you're diagnosed as such. I find myself thinking that I'm not skinny enough to have anorexia. But I've also learned that this is my eating disorder talking, not Katie. I also want to say congrats on not using anymore and moving past the drugs. I know that is difficult, but you are stronger because of it. XOXO Katie http://stealingmyselfbackfromana.blogspot.com/
ReplyDeleteI didn't see it Katie but I will have a look now
DeleteLove to you x
I've never been sexually abused either but have had the whole borderline inappropriate shit too. I don't understand how anyone could do something so awful to another person, ever.It makes me rage.
ReplyDeleteIt is so important to remember that we are people, not labels. We feel things, think things, have relationships. Yes, there are always going to be catagories we fit into, but at the end of the day it doesn't really matter, it matters who you are.
<3
So true Clytie, we are so much more than our illness x
Delete"I'm not anorexic, I have anorexia"
ReplyDeleteThat's really powerful to me. It does not define who you are. I used to say I'm anorexic, or some variation of it. But now when I talk about it, I say i have an eating disorder. The way to phrase it means a lot. We are so much more than just anorexia or drugs or bulimia or depression or any of the things that we struggle with. You are still Ruby, just a struggling Ruby. We all have hardships and struggles, some last for months, some last for decades. I think that just because you've been sick most of your life does not mean you have to be sick the rest of your life. The posts about your Mum's letter and your letter...I'm still mulling over it. It really touched me, and I'll probably send you an email when I think of what to say instead of an insanely long comment.
Love you hon. Seems you've been doing better the past couple of weeks, been realizing some things. Always thinking of you all :)
Thank you so much for your kind words and yes I think I am in a better place this week, still struggling but aren't we all
ReplyDeleteEmail me anytime sweetie x
I was sexually abused by my brother, but it wasn't a major offense like so many other people have gone through. I think what made it more traumatic for me was keeping the secret now for over 10 years and watching him become this successful amazing person, whilst I kept taking steps backward, fading away...
ReplyDeleteI couldn't agree more with your statement about a 'million little traumas'. That's exactly how I feel!!!! I don't have this extreme traumatic background. Just little things that built up and all of a sudden overwhelmed me.
I remember I also starting dieting after I began ballroom dancing. I always had issues, but things got out of hand then... 5 years later.. I'm just further down this deep dark tunnel!
Wishing peace and joy to you right now... I think this is the first time I've commented on your blog, but I actively read it :) xxx
Hello Destiny and welcome!! I'm so glad that you commented
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you had to go through that with your brother, such a horrific thing to go through.
I hope you have made peace with yourself and know that he was totally our of order.
I agree, this illness is like being in a dark tunnel but I hope that you can see a glimmer of light at the end of it
I wish you peace and joy also, I'm glad that you read and please feel free to comment any time or email me if you feel more comfortable
Love to you x