Friday, 30 November 2012

Weighing The Facts

I was supposed to see Mary on Wednesday but I cancelled
She gave me another appointment for today so I'm going to see her soon
The reason I cancelled was that I couldn't face being weighed
The anxiety I feel when I think about being weighed is almost too much to bear
You would think after years and years of being weighed that it would get easier
But if anything it gets harder
I would rather not know at the moment
The saying ' ignorance is bliss' has never been more appropriate
I'm not quite sure when these numbers became so important but they have
For the first few years of my illness I was oblivious to what I weighed and even if I knew it didn't bother me all that much
Maybe because I weighed so little
It wasn't until doctors and psychiatrists started weighing me that these numbers became so crucial
They seemed important to the doctors so they became important to me

In treatment they say it's not about the weight but to me it was all about the weight
Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday we would reluctantly gather on the pink chairs outside the office to be weighed
I remember one particular instance when I had been on bed rest for the past 10 days
If I didn't gain a certain amount if weight I was off the programme and going home
I entered the office hoping the nurse couldn't see that I was wearing 3 pairs of pyjamas and 2 pairs of socks
I had also downed as much water as I could stomach
I didn't want to go home and I needed all the help I could get
'Do you usually wear socks Ruby?'
I removed my socks cursing silently
I stepped on the scale holding my breath as if the air in my lungs would affect the number
The number was no where near enough
So I was sent home over a  couple of kilos

In treatment everything revolves around weight
It determines where you eat
If you get to go out at the weekend
Whether you're on bed rest or not
So I don't know how they can say it's not about the weight
Of course it's about the weight
It's all about the weight
I know they say that the scale doesn't measure the things that matter like how good a person you are
But to me the scale dictates so much
My mood
Self esteem
Self worth
And more
I hate it but it does
It is what it is
Those little numbers have the power to send me sky rocketing in to euphoria
Or spinning in to a black hole of depression
I think I will just flat refuse to be weighed today
I shall stamp my foot like a small child and say 'I won't do it, you can't make me!'

Everything is such an effort these days
It takes me a whole weekend to psych myself up to have a shower
I remember when I was on drugs I didn't shower for weeks
It isn't a priority when you're strung out on heroin
I'm not quite that bad now bit it's still a struggle
It's the cold I can't bear
And also I can't see the point
I mean it's not like I'm going anywhere or seeing anyone
Is that depression talking?
I think so!

I haven't managed to go to another meeting since the last time I went 2 weeks ago
I've used any and every excuse not to go
The truth is I just don't feel part of the 'gang'
I feel like an outsider
Like I don't fit in
Of course I haven't seen these people in a year so I suppose  it's understandable that I feel this way
I guess it's up to me to make the effort
To go to meeting
To say yes when I'm invited somewhere
But it's hard to believe that anyone could like you when you don't even like yourself
I almost become suspicious if someone wants to be my friend
I've become such a hermit
A virtual recluse
I only go out in the early morning and then hurry back to the safety of my house
Where I'm going I don't know
Recovery feels so elusive
Happiness is a dream I once had

Peace of mind is a distant memory
My head is a noisy place
Different voices fighting for control
I better go and see Mary now
She'll know what to do


  1. I completely understand the anxiety of being weighed. the only times ive cried infront of professsionals has been when they are pressuring to weigh me. it breaks me. i am too much. the less i weigh the harder it gets. i should be less, failure, my head chants. hope seeing mary helps, let us kno how it goes? xxx

  2. I'm glad but also sorry that you can relate
    I did see Mary but I refused to be weighed
    I said I would do it next week
    She was nice about it
    She's always nice

    Hope you're ok x

  3. Scales are the worst, they are just one of the many things our ed's use to keep us entrapped. I hate how a silly little thing dictates so much like you said. I hope after seeing Mary things are a bit better, hang in there dear Ruby. Peace to you today, and all my love xx

  4. Thank you Melrose, I do feel better after seeing Mary x

  5. I agree, scales are awful. They make us a number. Feeling like an outsider is normal. It's hard to be comfortable in any situation if you're not comfortable with yourself. Especially if there are others there to watch you.

    Always remember you're not alone. People all over the world are going through similar things. The blog community for example! We're all here for you.

    Find strength & hold it tight


  6. Thanks Mystic

    It's true, I was bound to feel this was the first time I went back
    If I keep going it won't always feel like this

    It's such a comfort to know that I am not alone
    You girls are amazing x

  7. I'm here for you sweetie. I hope everything went alright with Mary. Stay strong honey.

  8. Thanks Katie, it did go well with Mary, I feel a lot better now x

  9. If you go enough times you might start to become one of the group. I know it doesn't always work like that but I always make myself appear at a few events for whatever group I'm trying to butt into before I give up.

    1. This is true Emily, I need to give it a chance before I give up
      I have to remember that I haven't seen these people for a year so of course I will feel a bit out of the loop x

  10. Scales are awful. When I was first sick, I didn't know anything was wrong. Now that I look back on it, I'd been sick for a few months before my mum confronted me about having lost significant weight. She asked if I thought I might be developing anorexia. After that I weighed myself to see what she meant, and it was all downhill and I became instantly obsessed with weighing myself.

    I've been trying to avoid scales this year, for my sanity. I didn't weigh myself during February, fell off the rails in March, stopped weighing myself for another 3 months, weighed once in June, and since then my dietician's been blind weighing me. So it's nearly 6 months since I've known a number, though I'm not sure how much longer I can hold out.

    Lots of love & hugs to you dearest Ruby. I hope your appointment with Mary went well (I saw you didn't get weighed, but apart from that). Take care of yourself hun xxxx

    1. I think it is better not to know Bella although Mary thinks that I should look so I can see how my behaviour effects my weight. I will look next week I just couldn't face it today.

      Sending lots of love to you too dear Bella

      Take good care of you x

  11. just letting you know i've nominated you for the liebster blog award! ^^ x
    P.s LOVE reading your blog. Stay strong. x

  12. Thank you so much Sarah!

    Love to you x

  13. I can totally relate to your anxiety about being weighed. My weight has been plummeting lately, and this week, they've been making me get weighed every day, to make sure I don't fall into a weight that will take me into hospital. I have to admit that I did the 'layering' trick - my jeans are so big on me now that I can easily wear leggings underneath without it being noticeable. It's worked so far, but there's only so many layers of clothes you can wear. I'm terrified of what will happen next week. I don't want to go into hospital, again. I wish I could refuse to be weighed, like you, but they just send me straight to hospital if I did. I hope you find the strength to be able to get weighed next week. I completely agree with you that getting weighed just gets harder over time rather than easier. I think it's something people without an eating disorder struggle to understand. Is it easier not knowing the numbers? I always have to know, it helps me feel more in control, even though my ED is not really anything to do with control. Sorry, I feel like I'm not making much sense in this comment!

    I hope you start to feel more motivated soon. Sending love and strength!

    1. You make perfect sense sweetie
      It is so difficult to explain to someone who doesn't have an eating disorder
      The numbers become so important to us and it's hard to see them for what they are, just numbers

      I'm sorry you are struggling
      I hope you don't have to go in to hospital

      You are precious, remember that

      Lots of love x

    2. Thank you so much for your wonderful words. Everything you say is just so relatable to, and so reassuring and encouraging. Thank you for being there :)

      Lots of love to you too X

    3. Your so welcome

      Stay strong x

  14. These need to be printed on scales:
    UGH. Our numerical relationship with gravity is problematic :/

    Would it be easier to be weighed and not know the number? I dunno how your brain works regarding that.

    WOW LOOKKIT THEIR DOUBLETALK! No no no it's not about the numbers, until we make the numbers control EVERYTHING in your life but no they don't matter at all but. . . *facedesks repeatedly*

    Yay for slowly cutting down on stepper-time :) Dog walking is plenty of exercise. Hmmm maybe you could use the time you're freeing up to find cool costumes for your puppies?

    Don't mind me, I'm just throwing random shit out there in case something catches your interest :p

    Word count was reached, but story isn't finished. If it was a movie it would be the big action scene finale bit. I WILL FINISH IT!!1! Now there is no word goal I can be succinct again. YIPPEE!

    Listen to Mary and do the opposite of what Ed wants you to do, ok? You ARE likeable and there are many, many thing to like about you. You're blazingly intelligent and endlessly supportive and one of the kindest people I've ever had the privilege to meet. You're so incredibly strong you make carbon fibre look like a mud pie.

    Sending tons of love and many hugs to you. Don't give up on yourself, ok? You're worth fighting for *huggles*

    1. Awh thank you Peri for such kind words

      I have stopped using the stepper, all of a sudden I just stopped, I don't know why but I'm not going to question it

      You're right and Mary says it to, I need to keep busy abd not give my eating disorder a chance

      I am blesses to have Mary and people like you in my life, super kind and endlessly supportive

      You are a star Peri,

      I won't give up,

      All my love x

    2. I know you have already been nominated but I wanted to nominate you ayway and see what your answers would be for the questions I asked.


Thank you for leaving some love x