Wednesday, 28 November 2012

When the going gets tough.......

1 cup of self hatred
2 tsp of low self esteem
2 cups of hopelessness
Sprinkling of despair
Mix well

I don't know if I mentioned it but I'm going away next month for 4 weeks
My mother and I are heading to Sydney Australia for Christmas

My sister has lived there for the past 10 years
Although it doesn't seem real at the moment
I won't believe it until I step off the plane and get a blast of warm air
I'm looking forward to it
It'll be the first Christmas ever where I'm doing what I want to do
I am usually the first person to get excited about Christmas but this year I feel nothing but empty
However I am incredibly grateful to be going away and getting to spend time with my sister
But I'm also anxious about going
How will I deal with my eating disorder away from home?
I only ever eat in my house, I rarely eat anywhere else or in front of others
Someone suggested that I leave my eating disorder at home
But of course it doesn't work like that
It's not  that simple
My eating disorder is a full time job
She doesn't take any days off
Just because I am going on holiday doesn't mean she is
No doubt she will stow away at the bottom of my suitcase
An unwelcome guest

Christmas is a bitter sweet time of year for me
When I was growing up more often that not it was a disaster
My father would get drunk and offend people
My parents would argue
People would get hurt
It can be a lonely time of year
A reminder that you are all alone
Also reflecting on the past year can be tough when you see that you are still in the midst of this illness
And the years seem to fly by now
Every year goes by quicker
Every year I vow that the next will be better
That I won't waste another minute on this cruel illness
By now living with my eating disorder is a catch 22 situation
I can't live with it
But I can't live without it
The more time that goes by the more entrenched I seem to get
My world has shrunk to just me and my eating disorder
Family and friends have been pushed away
Jobs have been lost
Education abandoned
Health compromised
Sanity long gone
Happiness is elusive
I feel so very numb
I can't remember the last time I laughed
I mean really laughed
I've become a shell of a person

Of course I spend a lot of time and energy trying to look like I am ok
I wear a variety of masks
Happy, confident, well

My act is polished and well rehearsed
An all singing, all dancing performance of 'I'm fine, no really I'm fine'
People presume that because I've regained some weight this year that I must be better
Yes, my body has started to recover but my mind is still so very far behind and still so sick
Anorexia is plain to see but bulimia is invisible
No one would ever know you had it unless you told them
People tell me 'You look well'
I hate those 3 words
I don't hear 'You look well'
I hear 'You've gained weight'
I know  people think they're giving you a compliment but to me it's an outright insult

I worry so much about the future
I rely heavily on my parents and they are not getting any younger
Apart from them I don't have many people in my life
When they're gone I will truly be on my own
What do I do then?
It's hard to imagine a 'normal' life
With friends, boyfriends, jobs, holidays and hobbies
I've been this way for so long that I don't know how to live any other way

If I were stronger I would dive head first in to recovery
I wouldn't lose another year, month, week, day to this illness
I would grab life with both hands
If I had more courage I would take that leap of faith
I would break my silence and tell my story
I wouldn't listen to the whispers of my eating disorder
I would help others through my experience
I would tell others how I truly feel
If I believed in myself I would take a chance on living life
I would reach for my hopes and dreams
I wouldn't hold up my white flag and surrender
But the reality is that my eating disorder has beaten me down over the years
It has shaken my confidence until  there was none left
It has knocked any self belief out of me
It has stamped out my self esteem and self worth
It has ruined any chance of achieving my hopes and dreams
All  I am now is a collection of labels and diagnosis
I'm not a person any more, I'm just an illness

By the way I am aware that this has been a bit of a bipolar post

Are you looking forward to Christmas or does it fill you with dread?
How do you deal with your eating disorder over Christmas?


  1. oh huni you are not a collection of diagnoses you are a wonderful wonderful human being, you are stronger than you know - stronger than you think..
    i am glad you will be seeing your sister.. i remember you mentioned in a post about when she came to stay with you that that was the first time you had really laughed in a long time? so maybe read that post.. it might cheer you up.. happiness is possible and maybe this christmas will be lovely for you, yes your eating disorder wont just switch off but you will be with your sister, with your family.. i hope you can enjoy it.. love you loads darling xxx

  2. You are right Rayya, this Christmas will be special
    I can't let things get on top of me
    I will make an effort to get in to the spirit of things

    Thank you, you are a star x

  3. That was one amazing post, just because I can see myself in there. I am not as much about ED but general mental health. Felling numb and worried , feelings of wanted to leave the illness behind and realising at this same time that I can not live without it. It is just my life, how I know it , even though I now know that I might be able to rid of it within a time there is a question in my mind do I really want it. I wish you the best of luck and honestly I love Christmas just because no matter what happened this is one time in the whole year where I feel kind a happy , my baby was born on the 24th December , so it is always a time to look forward to. Adding to that your christmass will be nice and different than other, you are on your way to recovery and you will spend the time in worm Australia.
    Good luck and believe in yourself as you are grate xoxo.

  4. Thank you so much for this kind comment
    I'm glad but also sad that you can identify so much

    I'm usually the first person to get excited about Christmas but this year I feel nothing
    But I'm so grateful to be going away and to get some time with my sister

    I wish you a lovely Christmas and hope you have a great 2013

    Love to you x

  5. Dear Ruby,
    I hope your Christmas will be so special and help you start moving forward. Amazing things can happen in beautiful Sydney :) You are so strong and courageous. You have conquered so much... I know you have what it takes to keep fighting and winning. Take care beautiful xx

  6. Thank you so much sweetie, I will do my best to make it a special one

    Take care of you too x

  7. I do believe that you can get out of this Eating Disorder, and that you can be happy. Like, really truly happy. it takes time, and really it isn't easy, but I believe, just from reading your blog that you have a strength in you. It is not easy to do this, to keep up with this illness. It's a chore. And a lot of people fail. But you've been dealing with this for so long, I think you can actually do it. I believe in you! Xx

  8. Thanks Camille, that means a lot x

  9. Have a good Christmas! I'm so jealous... Australia! It's one of my dreams to go there someday.
    I always look forward to Christmas because I get to see my best friend. I don't look forward to the food.

  10. Thanks Emily, I am blessed to be going, hope you have a good Christmas too x

  11. god "you look well" is like a swear word :/
    i'm hoping this xmas is better than last year - i dont remember much as i was so underweight and pretty much out of it the whole time. like i was dreaming. weird.
    though i am super anxious about binging this year *cries*
    australia sounds amazing, but noooo way could i go somewhere hot for xmas!!! haha


    1. I hope this Christmas is better for you too sweetie x

  12. *Huggles*


    But still much closer than you are now :3

    In order for you to have the mental and emotional strength to begin the mental side of recovery you do have to regain a certain amount of weight first. When you're really underweight your brain simply does not have the fuel to work. When you stay underweight for too long it starts to shrink, since the brain is a high-maintenance piece of equipment and the body needs to reduce the demand for what little is coming in.

    Stupid fucking ED. Stupid fucking brain.

    Your body is healing, next step is the brain. Tell Ed to go fuck himself. I hope he gets assraped by a kangaroo when you're in Oz. (Coz I know the leaving it at home thing doesn't work. Lol have they ever tried leaving diabetes or schizophrenia at home?)

    I got the 'you're looking great' and 'you look so healthy' comments at the gym yesterday from the owner's wife. She complimented me on my bicpes and having tricep muscle showing now. All I could think was 'Wtf did I look fucking obese before or something, bitch?' UGH. Crazy bitch.

    It has had lots of time to bash at you, so the fight will be longer but YOU CAN WIN IT. One breath, step, whisper at a time. Plan your strategy and aim to win the war. Slowly learn how live a different way, steal back a minute here and an hour there. You can do it.

    YOU CAN.

    Love and courage to you, BAMF Ruby <3

    1. It's true Peri, weight gain is an essential if difficult part of getting well. I'm just finding it really hard to adjust to my new body.

      Yes I don't know what to make of these comments
      I wish people would keep their opinions to themselves
      I know they think they're being kind and they probably wouldn't say anything if they knew how it affected us.

      I will be a little closer to you which is nice

      Thank you Peri, you are a star x

  13. "I'm not a person any more, I'm just an illness"

    A lot of people who are heavily entrenched in an eating disorder feel exactly the same way. It steals your identity.

    Please know that you are not alone in feeling these things.


Thank you for leaving some love x