Friday, 28 December 2012

Down Under

I thought that being away my eating disorder might be easier to handle
But if anything it is harder to deal with
I'm opting out of lunch and dinner when we're out because I don't know if I'll be able to purge in comfort
Even in the house purging is a problem
I purged yesterday and blocked the toilet
Thankfully I was able to unblock it with a toilet brush but now I'm afraid to purge there too
This leaves me very restricted
I'm only eating small amounts
Erring on the side of caution
Stopping before I become too full

My sister challenged me about my behaviours yesterday
We had been at the beach in the morning and I spent most of the time asleep
I fall asleep at the drop of a hat here
It's a combination of my meds, lack of energy and the heat
She asked me in no uncertain terms if I was going to spend the whole holiday asleep
When we got home she got really upset and started crying
I tried to talk to her but she wouldn't tell me why she was crying
She spoke to my mother though
Later on my mother told that my sister was having a hard time with my behaviours
My not eating
Falling asleep
Obsessive behaviour
For some reason my behaviours are more noticeable in other peoples houses
The last time my sister saw me I was very thin
Barely 90lbs
I'm sure when she saw me this time and saw that I'd gained weight, she probably presumed that I was more well than I actually am
It's an easy mistake to make
People think that because you look well, you must be well
This is a huge myth about eating disorders
That you have to be emaciated to have one
But in reality only a small percentage of people reach a state of emaciation
Most maintain a healthy weight
It's not about what weight we are, it's about our behaviours
And my sister is noticing mine now
I'm sure she feels frustrated
I would be
If I was looking at me I'd want to shake me
Slap some sense in to me
I'm so used to my behaviours that I forget they're not normal

I am trying to use the techniques that Mary taught me
I'm trying not to listen to my eating disorder
But my half hearted attempts are no match for anorexia/bulimia
My behaviours are so ingrained and entrenched that they are a part of me
I don't know how to live or cope without them
I hate what I've become
A collection of diagnosis and messed up behaviours
It feels like it's too late to change
I've accepted that this is just the way I am
Eating disordered
Self destructive
Low self esteem
Zero self worth
Non existent confidence
I feel broken
Broken beyond repair
It's sad but it's the truth
I want to believe that I can recover
I want to believe that there is another way
That I can be happy
Or at least content
I crave peace of mind so much
The old Ruby was so different
She would never put up with the shit my eating disorder throws at me
She was strong
Now I am in a prison of my own making

2013 looms
I wish I could say that I'm going to make this year better than the last
I wish I could say that I'm going to throw myself in to recovery
That I'm going to put a stop to this right now
Not waste yet another year to this cruel illness
But I fear that I am heading the other way
Further down the rabbit hole that is my eating disorder

I was looking at t-shirts in a shop today
I was looking at sizes medium to large thinking that is what size I am
But then the lady working in the shop came over to me and said
'No my dear, you are definitely an extra small'
I was a bit taken aback and all I could thin was 'How the hell am I an extra small?'
She suggested that I try on the smaller size and wonder of all wonders it fit perfectly
It still baffles me how I see myself so very differently to everyone else
When I look in the mirror I see an overweight girl with chubby limbs and a grotesque stomach
From looking at myself in the mirror I would guess I am 140-150lbs
Even though the scale says different I still can't comprehend that I am smaller than that
I can hardly bear to look at photos of myself here
All I can see is a vast expanse of flesh
Pink flesh now that I am sunburned
I truly am peculiar looking

We are going out for dinner tonight
Here's hoping that the toilets flush well!!!


  1. be gentle with yourself.
    recovery is full of ups and downs.
    things WILL get better, you just need to keep fighting one day at a time ; )

  2. Thanks Jenn, for your kind words
    It's true, recovery is a roller coaster
    I just need to be gentle with myself x

  3. Sadly travelling with an entrenched ED is like travelling with someone in the process of writing a PhD or who is ALWAYS on the phone with the office. It just bloody follows you around and tries to take everything over, and you can't do much about it :/


    I fucking hate how people look at us and see that the outside is fine and assume that the inside is fine too. It drives me up the wall. Sometimes I want to start chopping bits off so that my outside is as fucked up as my inside. No wonder people never bloody notice anything until we're emaciated or dead!

    Not liking what Ed has reduced you to can be used as a rock to throw at it, something to stand on to keep your nose above water, something to start trying to wedge the door shut on it. Learn to hate it more than you love it. (Coz hey, it wouldn't stick around this long if it wasn't doing something for us and we hadn't learned to love some things about it)

    This shit didn't happen overnight. It didn't get this bad in a weekend or a month. Saying you'll get over it completely in just one year is unrealistic and people shouldn't expect quick fixes to long illnesses. (Leukaemia, Glandular fever, multiple amputations, HELLO PEOPLE!!!) Try fighting the behaviours on a more regular basis and finding out good things about you as you win minutes and hours of freedom from Ed.

    This asshole of an illness has taken over everything and you have to fight trench warfare to get yourself back. You have an army of backup on your side though :)

    I think your eyes are broken. You still look really knobbly to me. Expanses of flesh where?!? You must be tripping balls from sunstroke or something.

    That 'Try not to be a dick' sign should be up all around my town. Wow, it's so weird to see you in places I went with Mum and Uncle.A. Have you guys been to the zoo yet? have they finished the elephant exhibit? Have you been opal jewellery shopping (guilty pleasure of mine. I love colours!) Darling harbour is the BEST! Did you know that the Opera House had/has really shitty acoustics?

    Omfg get some sunblock! 6-9 is good for touristing before it gets too hot :D

    Omfg Miles loves telling the story of how we first me. I was beating the shit out of his (Adoptive) little sister at the Gypsy Fair. We were playing the warriors game where you stand on pedestals and whack at eachother with padded staffs. I kicked her ARSE and he thought I was pretty badass XD I thought he was pretty awesome (and HAWT) but I was in a relationship with an asshole at the time. Don't pick up guys at pubs, they never show their real selves.

    I can understand the pain-enjoyment bit. (Part of my tattoo addiction? Yes.) Keep cool and use a lot of after-sun or moisturiser so you don't peel so badly. Omfg you'd look like a par-boiled zombie if you peeled D: (So giving Miles that idea for CVZ)

    Fuck that was long. I'm so sorry! I hope that dinner goes well and you have a great New Years and your sunburn doesn't get any worse.

    Love you to bits amazing Ruby. You're a real wee beaut (Bad attempt at Aussie there)


    1. Love this comment Peri!!

      You are right, my eating disorder is an unwelcome guest on this trip. It's like a bad smell that just won't go away

      It drives me mad too Peri that we are not taken seriously until it is nearly too late. It's a mental illness for God's sake
      And doctors are the number one offender for this
      Unless you are a walking bag of bones, you are not given the proper help that we so desperately need
      It truly drives me up the wall

      Yes, I am a typical tourist and got sun burned
      My sister says I'm 'wearing my ignorance on my body'

      Omg, I was at the local market today and I was looking at chains with stones and one of them was called Peridot
      I took a photo of it which I will post to show you

      Just back from dinner
      I tried not to purge, I really did but I am no match for the bitch that is bulimia

      Love you too dear Peri

      Thanks for brightening up my day

      You are a star x

  4. As long as you get back up and not just accept defeat willingly, there's still hope. Haha, listen to that picture you posted about sing,dance, don't be a dick. general rules for life right there.

    You posted a pic on the last post of your family at Christmas, there's one with you and your sister? dancing or goofing around. I want you to print that out and put it somewhere you can see. You look happy there. maybe if it was just that one fleeting moment where you are dancing and being silly and laughing...hold on to moments like that. Try to remember them at the low points. Tonight, I saw my brother and we had a family dinner for the first time in about a year and a half. It was quiet, and a bit strange, but at one point we were making funny faces at each other and made my mom burst into laughter. Although we've been apart and it's hard to feel like a family, that one moment where we all laughed together felt great. It was fleeting, but it was a few seconds in time where we were all together and life wasn't so shitty. I hope you have some moments like that on this trip and try to connect with your sister.

    Much love and take care. You commented that 2013 can be my year. It can be your year too. <3

    1. Yes, I actually love that picture of me and my sister
      We were dancing to Christmas songs and having a great laugh
      I think I will definitely put it up somewhere to remind me that I do still have the ability to have fun

      That's great about you and your family
      Those moments are precious
      Hold on to them

      Here's hoping 2013 is a good one

      Love to you too sweetie x

  5. One time I left and then went back to 'the comforts of home' and that's when I realized how bad things were, how much things needed to change. I got a huge boost of pro recovery motivation in that time. Maybe the same will happen to you?
    I know you truly want yourself back, take it slow and you will find her.
    Ed aside hope you're enjoying your holiday!
    Love to you my dear xx

    1. Thank you Melrose

      Being here makes me realise that there is a whole world out there, a whole world without an eating disorder
      And life can be good
      I can laugh
      I can goof around with my sister
      I can not think about food 24 hours a day
      It is possible

      Love to you too dear Melrose x

  6. I know this is so easy for me to say, but you are so much stronger than you think. You are so much more than an eating disorder. You write so well, so intelligently and insightfully. You are a massive help and positive inspiration to so many people here. Help yourself fight those anorexic thoughts like you help us to fight ours. You are not broken beyond repair. You CAN recover. There IS another way - a way without ED. You CAN be happy and you WILL achieve peace of mind. I believe in you, as do everyone else who reads your blog I'm sure. Thinking of you and sending you much peace and strength. Keep fighting :) X

    1. Thank you Angharad, you are so lovely
      It's so easy to give advice but when it comes to myself I don't seem to be able to put it in to practise
      I do believe that recovery is possible
      But I'm just not sure if I want it enough
      And we do have to want it

      I won't give up just yet though
      I'll keep fighting x

  7. Hey darling, I love the photos.. You look great and your clothes are swamping you! I am the same with clothes, I have a trik I use now.. I go for small clothes and compare it to a size that I think would fit my mum to convince myself it's the right size. I always think the xs or s or 8 won't fit and my heart is in my mouth when the size fits and i don't need a medium. Maybe one day our eyes will fix and we may see ourselves as we really are.. I understand how you feel about your sisters reaction to you but remember she only reacted that way because she cares for you and wants you to be miraculously cured.. People rarely understand that eating part of the disorder is merely the tip of the iceberg..

    I do hope you enjoy yourself, sending you love and hugs!

    1. Thank you dearest Rayya
      It's really difficult to accept that we don't see ourselves the way others see us
      I swear in my own head I am obese
      It's such a cruel part of this illness that we don't get to enjoy the one thing we crave the most because we never believe that we are thin enough

      Thank you for your unwavering support
      You are a dear friend to me

      All my love x

  8. "My behaviours are so ingrained and entrenched that they are a part of me
    I don't know how to live or cope without them
    I hate what I've become
    A collection of diagnosis and messed up behaviours
    It feels like it's too late to change
    I've accepted that this is just the way I am"

    I took the liberty of looking up the definition of the word behavior.

    Behavior: manner of behaving or acting

    Please remember you are not a collection of behaviors or diagnoses. You are a complex PERSON. Behaviors and feelings are temporary, even though we don't feel that way at the time. You have the power to be who you want to be, only you. A therapist I had a long time ago had me do an activity: list all the qualities you want to have and then give one action that would show that quality. Like for me one of my big things was able to be alone, I needed to be "wanted" so I forced myself to stay single until I found someone I really wanted to date not just hook up with. You are still you, you just are burried right now under all the clutter, you can dig your way out.

  9. Thanks Josie for this

    I do forget that I am more than just my illness
    That there is a person beyond my eating disorder, my drug addiction, depression and anxiety
    I did an 'about me' section of this blog recently and it was really difficult to write about things about my eating disorder
    I did it though and there is more to me, I just forget that sometimes

    I appreciate this comment though, thank you x

  10. oh ruby ruby as avy said it, can't you see that you deserve soso much better? I hope you can enjoy some bits of this trip, forget the grip of this illness for a couple of moments!


    1. I'm trying Loulou, I really am
      And I am enjoying myself despite this post
      I am laughing
      I am goofing around with my sister
      She brings out the best in me x

  11. It's so amazing that your family is there to support you and notice when you're not doing well. I don't know if you told them or they just guessed, but either way your sister noticing what you're doing is a sign that she really cares and that she wants to help you overcome your behaviors. It's interesting how much this illness can affect those around us. I've never thought about it, because my family forgets that I have an ED, and only my boyfriend knows I do.
    And you CAN say that 2013 will be better! Even if you think it might be worse or the same, going into it with an attitude that it will be better makes a lot of difference, and it might turn out to be a self-fulfilling prophecy.
    From your pictures it seems like you're having a lovely time in Australia, and I hope you have a great rest of vacation!

    1. I am blessed Emily, with a family that really do care
      They just want me to get well and that's why they get upset
      It must be really difficult to stand by and watch me go thorough this
      They must feel so helpless

      I am going to try and make 2013 a better year
      It really couldn't be any worse

      I am having a lovely time
      My sister really is going out of her way to ensure we enjoy our holiday
      She is a star x

  12. Ruby thanks for the great comment and as far as 2013 just working on issues and taking it one day at a time makes it a better year for any of us. I think that facing our issues and at least dealing in a small way is steps to recovery. I love your pics and hope things get better with you and your sis. I wish they would teach things like depression and disorders in school like they do history and maybe the world would understand more and not be so judgmental. Love ya and look forward to more post. <3

    1. Thank you Linny
      That is a great idea
      Mental health really should be taught in schools
      Maybe then there wouldn't be such a stigma against it

      Love you too x


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