Sunday, 30 December 2012

Ana's kryptonite

Despite my last couple of posts, I am enjoying myself
I am allowing myself to soak up the sun
To laugh
To goof around with my sister
We get on great
We have the same black sense of humour
We only have to look at each other to know what the other is thinking
I have huge admiration for her
She grew up in a small town in Ireland where being gay was at best a novelty, at worst a crime
She moved to Sydney 12 years ago and made a life for herself here with very little help from anyone else
She has been through her fair share of hard times
She stopped drinking a few years ago after it got out of hand
Now she practises mindfulness and uses buddhist methods to live a better life
She is independent to a fault
She marches to the beat of her own drum
And I love that about her
We laugh all the time
About anything and everything
She is my partner in crime

So 2013 looms
We are going to watch the fireworks tonight
I don't usually make resolutions but I'm thinking about making some this year
Maybe to get out of the house more
To do one thing every day that scares me
To not give in to fear and anxiety
I am hoping and praying that 2013 is a better year
But I guess it's up to me to make sure it is
Let's do it
Let's make next year our year
Let's not be crippled by our eating disorders anymore
Let's fight as best we can
Lest's not waste another year, month, day on this illness
As the ad says we are worth it
Don't we deserve to happy?
To be well
To have peace of mind
To be free of our own personal demons
Don't we deserve to have a better life
At the end of this year I will have clocked up 13 years with anorexia/bulimia
Half my life living in this twilight
Half my life spent ruled by food and numbers
My health compromised
My education abandoned
My sanity elusive
My happiness shattered
My family so very worried and hurt
My friends forgotten
My happiness long gone
How much longer are we prepared to live like this?
This half life
The years go by so quickly now
If I don't do something soon, I never will
I know that you are suffering too
Sacrificing your life to what some call 'ana'
But even though we personify anorexia, it is not a person
It is not a friend
It is a disease
An illness
A monster
A demon of the mind
A poisoner of the body
It is like a parasite that is living off us
That won't give in until we are dead

Her whispers are lies
Her promises are empty
She tells us that her way is the only way to be happy
But believe me her way is a sure fire way to misey
She sucks the life out of us
She is trying to kill us
So please don't listen to her
Don't start off 2013 in her grasp
Fight for your life
Escaping from her won't be easy but it will be the best thing you ever do
The greatest gift you could possibly give yourself

I know that you feel tired and weary
I know that she had broken you down over time
Crushed your spirit
Killed your ability to resist
But she does have her own kryptonite
If we do the opposite of what she says
If we tell on her
If we eat when she wants us to starve
If we resist when she wants us to purge
If we don't give in to her demands
If we do these things she gets weaker and weaker
We may feel like we are no match for her but we are
In fact we are stronger than her
We just have to believe it
We just have to tap in to it

That negative tape that plays in our heads
We can change it
We can rewind, erase and play a new tape
God knows we have suffered enough
Too much
I for one am so very tired of hating myself
Of beating myself up physically and emotionally
I really can't take much more
I really can't go on like this
I would rather die than live the rest of my life like this
Under anorexia's spell
She has brainwashed us
Groomed us and lured us in
She is an abuser
A bully of the highest order
She won't give up until we are dead
She is evil
She is the devil incarnate

So let's leave her in 2012
Let's not invite her in to 2013
She is not welcome in my life any longer
She has taken too much from me
I'm not willing to lose any more
I can't afford to lose any more
I am hanging on by my fingertips as it is

This is the end of the road for us
I don't need you anymore ana
I choose to be me
I choose to be well
I choose to be happy
I choose life

For you Peri


  1. I can't say how much I love this post. You couldn't have said it better. I wish you the best of luck in 2013, seeing as your in Australia, that'll be tonight. I love you hon and hope you continue to have a great holiday. The pics you've posted so far have been pretty. :)

  2. Thank you sweetheart
    I hope 2013 is a brilliant year for you too

    Stay strong x

  3. This is amazing. 2013 will be an amazing year, for both you and I. I know that I don't comment much, but I do read everything. You have very pretty pictures. (:
    You are amazing. Keep your head up. You can beat Ana. Xx

  4. Thank you Camille

    Hopefully this coming year will be the best yet
    God knows we deserve it

    Stay well lovely x

  5. Oh Ruby, that's so wonderful to hear. Both that you're having a good time, and you want to turn things around for the New Year. It's true that wishing for it to be better won't make it happen, and it sounds like you've got good starting point with getting out more, doing things that scare you etc..

    All the best for the New Year Ruby. Less than 9 hours to go! Xxxx

  6. Thank you dear Bella

    Yes, not long now
    I'm going to give it a shot
    I have to
    And if it doesn't work out I can always go back to my old ways

    Hope you're ok Bella

    Love you x

  7. My goal this year is for my life to be healthier than last. Healthier in all aspects. I hope that your life is healthier and happier also.

    1. I hope so too Josie

      And I hope that your 2013 is a happy and healthy one

      Much love x

  8. I fell in love with your post!
    You are such a lovely, kind and great girl, Ruby!
    I wish you the very best in 2013!
    And if virtual hugs and kisses might work, I'm sending you millions!
    Happy New Year, hun!

    1. Aaah, thank you Greta, you are so sweet

      I wish you peace and happiness for 2013

      Happy new year to you too x

  9. Great mind-set Ruby.
    Have a great 2013! :)

  10. Thanks Lucy, hope you have a good one too x

  11. This is such an inspiring post!
    A new year is a great time to try and start anew without the crutch of an ED. I know you can do it!

    1. Thanks Emily

      I believe that you cam do it too
      Let's do it together! x

  12. yay for this one! lobve you ruby happy new year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    1. Love you too Loulou

      Happy new year to you too!! x

  13. This post made me smile in so many ways. I love the way you write and it's so true. We keep giving into Ana, she will continue to kill us. I love your resolutions. So inspiring. Lots of love dear.

    1. Thanks Katie

      We can do this
      We don't have to be ana's slave
      We've suffered enough x

  14. i really really needed to hear this today. things have been tough for me lately.

    you're sister sounds like an incredible, strong woman - just like you. never stop believing in yourself!

    1. I'm so glad Jenn that post may have helped you in some way

      You are right, my sister is one strong lady

      Believe in you too x

  15. You have a sister? A lez sister? *Ears prick up* If she's related to you she's definitely going to be awesome. *Sighs* I just BET she's already got an amazing GF, am I right? *Pouts*

    Only half joking! :p


    I remember the pinkie promise. I hope you're having an amazing aussie new years. We can start to dig our way out in 2013. This shit will NOT take any more time from us, we will get our lives back one inch at a time.

    Lol, I'm picturing it like one of those annoying cartoon toddlers that climbs all over you and clings and you try to pry it off a bit at a time and it keeps trying to climb your legs and put its hand around your face and you fight and struggle and eventually prise it off and stuff it in a kiddie pen. FUCKING MISSION OF DOOM but do-able if you keep trying. Even if all you can do is lie on the floor and scrunch along a bit. Even small progress is progress, yes?

    I'm so glad to have had 2012 coz I got to meed you! You're the absolute best, Ruby. A real pearl. Love you to little bits and pieces <3

  16. Yes my sister is from the planet lesbien
    Her partner is pretty cool too

    You are the best too Peri
    You are one in a million

    All my love

    Your friend Ruby x


Thank you for leaving some love x