Tuesday 1 January 2013

What do you want?

So 2013 is here
I don't usually like New Years eve but this year I saw in the new year in style watching the fireworks at Sydney harbour bridge
It was truly spectacular



It's a new year
A fresh start
A new beginning
A chance to wipe the slate clean and start over
A chance to make goals and resolutions and a whole twelve months to meet them
Although I didn't make any resolutions as such
I remember a few months ago thinking that I would go in to treatment in the new year and sort myself once and for all
But now that next year is here I am having second thoughts
If I go in to treatment I have to be sure that recovery is what I want and to be honest I'm just not sure
I am so very scared of taking that leap of faith in to recovery
I feel like I can't live with my eating disorder but I also feel like I can't live without it
It's my enemy and so I keep it close
Better the devil you know right?



So whatever you decide to do this new year
Whether you starting a new diet
Or taking a chance on recovery
Maybe you vow to be a better person
Maybe your starting a new job or course
You could be giving up chocolate
Or cigarettes (I should really consider that one!)
You could be taking on a new fitness challenge
Or volunteering
Whatever it is you decide to do this new year I wish you good luck\\
I wish you every health and happiness
This life is short
So very short
We need to pack in as much living as we can
Being here in Sydney reminds me that there is a whole world out there
New countries and cities and towns
New sights and smells and tastes
People from the four corners of the world



There are so many things that I want to do
I want to walk the Camino is Spain
I want to go whale watching in south America
I want to drive down route 66 on the back of a Harley Davidson



I want to go skinny dipping in the middle of the night
I want to see gorillas in Uganda




I want to live hard
Work hard
Play hard
Love hard
I want to go to a full moon party in Thailand



I want to fall  head over heals in love
I want to laugh until I think I'm going to burst
I want to go fishing in Alaska




Watch the brown bears catching salmon in the rivers
I want to share all these experiences with someone special



I want to dance until I can't stand up
I want to kiss until my lips hurt
I want to eat my favourite food when ever I want



I want to feel the full gamut of emotions instead of feeling numb all the time
I want to cry until I can't cry anymore
I want to scream until my lungs burn
I want to feel pure pleasure through my whole body
Scream in ecstacy
I want to be loved



I want to feel desired
I want to feel sexy
I want to know what it feels like to feel comfortable in my own skin
I want to wake up in the morning and not dread the day ahead
I want to like myself



I want to feel comfortable in my own skin
I want to enjoy my body instead of hating every inch of it
I want to look in the mirror and not want to punch my reflection



I want to be free
Free from the demons that plague me
Free from the obsession of food and numbers
Free from self hatred
Free from me




Here's some photos from the last couple of days











With love from at

21 comments:

  1. désespérée de maigrir1 January 2013 at 13:11

    What a beautiful and inspirational post.

    You give me so much hope that this year can be better for all of us.

    I'm glad that you seem to be enjoying your time in Oz with your sister. Soak up all of those little moments of joy and remember them when you go back home. They will help you stay afloat.

    Much love and happy new year.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ruby Tuesday1 January 2013 at 14:01

    Thank you sweetie

    I also hope that 2013 is a better for all us
    It has to be
    It definitely can't be any worse

    Happy new year to you too

    Lots of love x

    ReplyDelete
  3. AVY1 January 2013 at 16:05

    Nothing that can't be done. All the best.

    /Avy

    http://mymotherfuckedmickjagger.blogspot.com

    ♥

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ruby Tuesday1 January 2013 at 23:09

    Thanks Avy x

    ReplyDelete
  5. Eve2 January 2013 at 04:51

    Good luck! If you can't find a sexy man to take you on his Harley, my mom and her boyfriend have one haha I wish you an amazing year deae.

    <3 Eve

    ReplyDelete
  6. Nina of the Night2 January 2013 at 05:53

    I love that you can write such positive posts when I know you are struggling a lot, I hope you are not just trying to fool yourself tho? I always worry slightly when your posts are so positive, because if you're anything like me, then I dissociate or try and fool myself into thinking Im fine when I'm falling apart. Are you really doing okay sweetheart? Which side is winning right now? Dark or light? Life or death?
    I'm seeing Clare tomorrow about DBT. Idk I just want the option that lets me vanish while having some friendly faces around me, I wonder how shed react if I asked for palliative care?!? Love u ruby, hope ur coping ok xxxxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ruby Tuesday2 January 2013 at 12:52

      Anyone who knows me Nina can see through the thin veil if my act
      Sometimes I do get bursts of positivity but they never last long
      My sponsor used to tell me to 'fake it 'til ya make it' and I do try sometimes but to be honest I'm already planning on losing weight. I had to admit that but it's the truth. I can't stand the weight that I'm at, can't bear to look at myself in the mirror, it's driving me nuts, I just want to feel thin again

      Thanks for your concern though, love you x

      Delete
  7. sofia2 January 2013 at 07:10

    this post is so awesome. thank you for this. we can make 2013 a year of change.

    stay lovely. <3

    ReplyDelete
  8. Loulou2 January 2013 at 07:41

    Happy new year hun! you look supersweet and i wish you all the very best and i believe you can do it. you can.

    xxxxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ruby Tuesday2 January 2013 at 12:53

      Happy new year to you too sweetheart, I wish you every happiness for the doming year x

      Delete
  9. Loulou2 January 2013 at 08:01

    PS: seriously that "I want to feel desired, I want to feel sexy" is the best things about getting better (this does not mean getting big we all know that) because the healthier we become the less depressed we feel and even blanced hormon levels can do so much! it might be true that nothing tastes as good as "skinny" feels but skinny only feels good as long as one can keep it healthy-skinny (otherwise we feel fat anyway no matter how thin we are)! cos as we all know weight or low weight is not an indicator for our level of health or illness!

    xxxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ruby Tuesday2 January 2013 at 12:56

      I had a dream last night that I weighed myself and I was 130lbs, actually it was more like a nightmare

      But yes I do want to feel these things
      I haven't felt them in a long, long time
      Here''s hoping 2013 is a good one

      Hope you're ok Loulou x

      Delete
    2. Loulou2 January 2013 at 14:05

      This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
    3. Ruby Tuesday2 January 2013 at 22:12

      Well I guess I'm ok then, my bmi is something similar
      I was 130lbs once for a short time, never again x

      Delete
  10. Jackie T2 January 2013 at 12:30

    I do hope you get to do these things so much....... I agree with LouLou on the sexy front :) I went skinny dipping at night for this first time this year..very empowering. xxxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ruby Tuesday2 January 2013 at 12:57

      Wow that sounds amazing, I'll definitely be giving that a go this year, thanks Jackie x

      Delete
    2. Loulou4 January 2013 at 07:57

      it was not what i meant, i do look after myself a lot, but if my body does not look anything like an AP commercial I cannot even go near the swimming pool let alone swim NAKED

      Delete
  11. MILEX2 January 2013 at 20:12

    I think I love you

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for leaving some love x

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