I usually look forward to Mondays
Monday is doctor day
Medication day
Medication Monday
My appointment is at 9am every Monday morning
Purposefully made at that time so I am first and don't have to wait long
Usually I have a quick chat with my doctor
Today I told him about my weekend spent severely constipated
I'll spare you the gory details
Although I will say that it involved horrific pain, my stomach bloating so much I looked 9 months pregnant and a healthy dose of laxatives and suppositories
I collected my precious scripts and headed to the pharmacy
My pharmacist is not the friendliest person
Not like the old pharmacist
He always made sure to ask how I was doing
This girl only speaks to me to tell me of their current special offers
I wander around looking at make up and perfume as I wait for my meds
I chat to some of the staff who know me well by this stage
The pharmacist calls my name
I pay, thank her and leave
I get back to car where my dogs are waiting patiently
I turn on the radio, light a cigarette and rest it in the ash tray
Now at this stage I usually rip open my bag of meds
Drink about 2-3 days of methadone
2 days of anti anxiety meds
And maybe 2 days of anti depressants
Then I take my dogs for a run on the beach as I wait for the meds to kick in
I usually head home, blog and spend the rest of the day in a haze of sleep and cigarettes
Repeat Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday
Time loses all meaning until I wake up on Friday morning and try to piece together the events of the past few days
So this is what I would usually be doing today
But a phonecall yesterday changed all that
My father spends the weeks with me
My parents are separated the last 12 years
But my mother still works where we used to live so during the week they swap houses
My Dad comes up here and my mother goes and stays in his house
Strange I know but it works for them
So my Dad rang yesterday
He asked me very politely to take my meds properly this week
He said he couldn't remember the last time he had a proper conversation with me
Or the last time I was lucid
He said I wasn't giving my dogs as much attention
In short, he asked me to hand over my meds to him and my mother
So they can control how I take them
I've had this conversation with one or other of my parents so many times over the years
They express concern and frustration
I agree to take them properly
And I do for a while but in the end I always end up abusing them again
Lather, rinse, repeat
Having said all that I do have an issue with taking these meds at all
Olanzapine and mirtazapine have the notorious side effect of weight gain
They stimulate the appetite
So therein lies my problem
I can either abuse them, enjoy oblivion but risk over eating, thus binging and purging
Or I can not take them at all, restrict but have to deal with reality
Of course I do realise there is another option
Take them as prescribed and be careful not to over eat
But I've never been one to opt for the happy medium
I tend to be a person of extremes
All or nothing
Black or white
Take them all or none at all
So what's this messed up girl to do?
I'm throwing the question out to you
Do you have any experience with these drugs?
How did you manage?
Do you think I should continue to take them?
I really can't decide
I find medication to be very helpful for me. I have taken meds for awhile now and I have taken breaks from them when I felt I didn't need them. I remmber you said you would try sobrity for 6 months and see what happens, why don't you try something like that? Since medication takes about a month to feel the full effect I would wait that long and ten tell the dr how you are feeling. The dr can adjust them and see if you can feel better. Oh and if the side effects of one of the medication has you worried tell the dr there are tons of meds out there and he can switch them.
ReplyDeleteWhen I started meds I thought what the hell might as well try and see if it works.
Thanks Josie, insightful as always
ReplyDeleteI have spoken to my doctor about changing meds but they want me to gain and maintain my weight, that was part of the reason they put me on these meds
Today I have taken them properly and handed over the rest
I will treat it as an experiment and see what happens
I'm sure my mental state will improve if anything
Watch this space x
Maybe handing them over won't be too bad. Maybe you will be able to be coherant and not binge and purge. Avoid triggering foods while you try this and maybe you will find that in the end, it will be better for you. Lots of love.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
I did today Katie so we'll see how the week goes
DeleteLove to you too dear x
i have never been on daily medication, but my best friend is, and i know that when she goes off her meds shes more reckless and does things that she wouldnt normally and shouldnt do. maybe you should try to stick to the medium, just for this week and see how it goes. its worth a try, dear. good luck!
ReplyDeletestay lovely. <3
I will Sofia, so far so good. maybe reality isn't so bad after all x
DeleteI don't take meds and quite honestly never want to. I've seen my family become dependent on them, and I don't want to do that. Actually, I've had the opposite affect, if i have a script i sometimes don't take it as I'm supposed to. Idk, i don't like tons and tons of pills.
ReplyDeleteI don't like being reliant on them but I guess I have to accept that I may need them for a while
DeleteToday went well so that's hopeful x
I don't have experience with any of the medication you're taking, but the lovely vicodin will always hold a spot in my mind. I know what it's like to wanna just say fuck it and live in a haze. The haze is comfortable. When you see clearly, you see all the bad shit in your life. The pain is dulled when you're hazy. But so is all of the good stuff.
ReplyDeleteYou say you're a person of extremes, but it sounds like you just wanna be in that neutral state of haze. Not enjoying the good so you don't have to deal with the bad. If it were me, I would get off the drugs for a while. Take stock of your life and then talk to the doctor about what you should be taking.
The choice is definitely yours, though. It all depends on how you want to live. Whatever you decide, I hope you find what you're looking for. <3
Thanks Mystic
DeleteI do want to strive for balance but I've never been very good at it. Being an addict temptation is always there
I have handed them over now though and to be honest it's a relief x
I'm on mirtazapine, and still have a stockpile of rarely used olanzapine. I never wanted to be on medication again, but I was given them initially while on a section. Now it scares me just as much to stop taking it, as it did to start them in the first place.
ReplyDeleteI see in the comments that you've handed them over to your parents, which is definitely the logical way of doing things (damn our illogical brains!). If it gives you any comfort, personally I've never experienced any radical or unexplained weight gain on either of those meds. The best you can do is keep an eye on it, and if your weight starts galloping out of control, then maybe re-assess. Taking them properly might help reduce the b/p.
Good luck with the next week Ruby. You'll be in my thoughts dear <3 xxxx
Thank you dear Bella
ReplyDeleteYes, I will take them properly and just see how it goes
To be honest I haven't experienced any radical weight gain either but I still worry about it
But at least I am aware of it though so I can keep an eye it
Thank you for your support, you are so special x
Are you giving them to your parents?
ReplyDeleteI think that might be a good solution for the time being.
But I'm very wary of drugs. I don't like my mind being altered, and I want to face things myself and overcome them myself.
But Ruby, you need to decide. If you need them, you need them, and there's nothing wrong with using them as a crutch to get you through. Let us know what you do!
Yes Emily, I did give them to my parents and it's working well so far, I miss the nice numb feeling but I know this is the right thing to do x
ReplyDeleteMaybe you'll eventually fall for the medium, adjust. It's all about giving it time a a little control, of course.
ReplyDeleteThank you for dropping by a oomment on the blog, following you now!! :)
Your welcome!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the follow x
The extremes will destroy us in the end. The blokes who lean out too far when cornering always come off and end up as roadkill. Gotta hit the right balance.
ReplyDeleteI'm proud of you for making another step to cut down your abuse of them, or another run at it anyway. if you don't give yourself the chance to do it, you have a greater chance of escaping this living hell and finding out what you want your life to be without these ball'n'chain shitty thing dragging you down.
Relaity blows. It's why I watch cat videos and read immt/not always right
http://youtu.be/pXk8BH592lI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z_AbfPXTKms
http://makesmethink.com/
http://notalwaysright.com/
Antidepressants always fix the motivation/energy before they stabilise the mood. Cumulative effect, it has to build up enough in your brain first. Give it two months or so to start working properly, ok?
I had the bad luck to have the slightly increased appetite form Mirtazapine combined with it lowering my bloodpressure so I couldn't train and a year of depressed bingeing. It also didn't work very well for me, so by the time they took me off it I had gained far too much and was in a bad bad bad head space. If you're monitoring your intake via nutritionist they can help you keep tabs on things. I was by myself with the trainers telling me I couldn't do x,y,z because I kept passing out when I stood up :(
Don't give yourself a chance to abuse them so they can start working properly. Major side effects go away as your body adjusts to the meds. If you're having problems with them you can ask the doc to change you to one with more managable side effects. The increased appetite won't stick around forever.
Give yourself the best chance you can to live and be free of this crap. Fuck losing another decade to this shit! You can get there. It takes time and patience. You're fucking amazing and you're so worth it. You're like a phoenix, you'll rise up and pwn all you encounter.
Sorry about the fuzzy preachy brainshit. I love you heaps and I want you around and happy. *Hugs you tightly*
Thanks Peri and you're not preachy at all, you tell it as it is and I appreciate that
ReplyDeleteA true friend will always tell the truth no matter how hard it is to hear
I've been taking my meds properly for 3 days now so so far so good
Although I am tempted not to take them at all
Love you so much and hugs right back atcha x
I know this is a very simple thing that I'm going to say but rings true. One day at a time. If you had a successful day, then rejoice in it. Deal with tomorrow when it gets here. It helps me. I wish you the best. :)
ReplyDelete