Wednesday, 27 March 2013

Live fast, die young

So sorry to have gone AWOL again
My internet is down and it looks like it won't be fixed for another few days
It's driving me nuts
I've missed you all so much
I'm writing this from the library so I'll try and catch up as much as I can

I'm seeing Mary twice a week now
I had been weighing myself at home
My weight continues to drop
I continue not to give a shit
I doubted my own scale and it wasn't until Mary weighed me this morning that I finally believed the number
I've lost 8 pounds in the last 2-3 weeks
It both terrifies and thrills me
Mary said that if my weight continues to drop that she won't be able to see me any more
I'm not exactly sure why my weight is dropping
I haven't changed my diet drastically
Although I do know that a symptom of pancreatitis is weight loss so that could be it
I'm not deliberately trying to lose weight
And you know what?
I still feel huge
But isn't that always the way
I remember last year I cried every time I gained
It was so traumatic to see the number go up
And now it's dropping and I feel nothing
Just nothing

If Mary stopped seeing me it would be a disaster
My only option then would be inpatient and I'm trying my best to avoid that
I'm not functioning these days
I'm just about keeping it together
The future scares me
I never made plans for the future because I didn't think there would be one
I had a feeling that I would die young
Live fast, die young and all that
And I was ok with that
I really was

Words aren't coming easily right now
I can't tell you what I'm feeling because I feel nothing
Nothing matters
Nothing means anything
The days come and go
The weeks go by
Months pass
And nothing
Just nothing
I'm one big contradiction at the moment
I'm ok but I'm not ok
I'm bored yet I don't want to do anything
I'm full of energy yet I'm too tired to move
I feel in control yet I'm completely out of control
I'm here but I'm not here
My body is here but my mind is in another place
Somewhere far away
The two are completely disconnected
I can't remember what it feels like to smile unforced
To laugh
Really laugh
I feel like I'm outside of my own body
Looking down on myself
There's a voice in the back of my mind
I can barely hear it but it is there
It's telling me to stop this madness
To get out before it's too late
But maybe it is too late
Maybe this is it
I feel insanity creeping in
Like a dark shadow over my mind
I fear for my sanity
I worry I am going mad
Or maybe I already have

I am still here though
Despite everything I am still here
I would like to think that there is a reason for that
If there is a reason I wish it would make itself clear
I'm tired of trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing
Where I'm supposed to be going

I hope all of you are doing ok
You are all in my thoughts
If you need to contact me please do as I can answer emails on my phone

Love Ruby x

16 comments:

  1. I feel I can really relate to what you're going through at the moment, and my heart goes out to you. Maybe you could use the fear of not being able to see Mary if you lose any more weight, to help give you the motivation you need to stop losing weight?

    I'm so so glad you're still here - there's definitely a reason for that! You're worth life, and you deserve to recover and have a wonderful life!
    Much love!
    X

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  2. There is a clothing line here in the US, one of there mottos is, "live fast die young." . The brand ironically is called affliction.

    I have been on antideantidepressants for almost 10 years now. I have occasionally tried to do without, the results are usually tragic. During these times i remember laughing so hard and so genuinely that it startles me. You don't know what has been taken away from you until you get it back. Now i long for those lost feelings but i can't allow myself to have.

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    Replies
    1. Me too, I think all these meds numb us to a certain extent x

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  3. I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling this way ruby. I can relate all too much to nothing mattering, days and weeks and months just flying by. It's 3 months into the year, and I kid you not, I've spent most of that time staring at a wall. I feel empty, lost, dead. I'm not living.

    I'm worried about your weight dropping so much. It could be the pancreatis - weight's been falling off me recently too because I constantly have infections. What's Mary suggesting at this point? I hope you can keep seeing her, and I really hope you're still considering treatment. You sound so emotionally drained, and we all know our brains don't function properly in these states. I hope you can make the jump to call about treatment. It's never going to be easy, but please don't leave it too late.

    I love you so so much Ruby dear. You'll be in my thoughts *hugs* <3 xx

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    Replies
    1. It could be the pancreatitis Bella, I haven't changed my diet that much
      It's actually starting to worry be a bit

      I love you too dear Bella

      Thank you for your continued support x

      Delete
  4. I've lived the lost, scared, staring at a wall lifestyle. Never leaving the safety of my bed too afraid to face reality. Your lind seems like such a battlefield, maybe it's switched to neutral as a respite, a little break from the negative self-loathing thoughts that are there. You don't deserve that, you deserve to smile and laugh and enjoy life. Maybe try to act as if...drag yourself out to a funny movie and see if any belly laughs come. Read a funny book, something light and silly. There is a way out of the darkness, but you sometimes have to sit still, adjust your eyes to your new perceptions and slowly feel your way out.

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    Replies
    1. I do need to let go of this Vanessa
      I need to surrender x

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  5. Hugs Ruby <3 I hate to see you like this. Weight dropping is bad and if Mary can't see you anymore - that would be just disastrous. But I hope she has some idea what you could do.

    Just a lot of hugs darling, you're right despite of everything you're still here and that matters! <3

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  6. Sending love and light your way Ruby, this way of life does feel like insanity. Make poor decisions, regret them, promise to change, then do it again. What a lovely cycle. But you ARE stronger than that, and definitely use the idea of losing Mary as motivation to try harder, if nothing else can motivate you now (like your life, which I'll agree, can be easy to take for granted). To push forward. For health, over anything else. I have faith in you, because you've helped inspire me and my recovery. I am wishing you well and keeping you in my thoughts. We are stronger than we believe <3

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  7. I really hope Mary will keep seeing you. She seems like an excellent therapist and like she's helped you through a lot of things. Would she have to stop seeing you because of insurance?
    Dropping that much weight without trying is scary. I hope you're safe.

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    Replies
    1. No it's nothing to do with insurance, the service is supposed to be for people with mild to moderate eating disorders so if mine became anymore serious they won't see me
      Which is ironic, you would think that you need them more if you are getting worse x

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  8. Man was I starting to get worried D:

    Dafuq happened to your internet? Hardware issues? Ugh they suuuuuuck. I hope it goes back up soon, but on the bright side: Libraries RULE!

    Yikes, lock the scale up and buy some safe foods! I think that being cut off from Mary would kill you faster than the current state of affairs.

    I think that no matter what we're always going to feel huge. No matter how skinny we get we'll still feel huge. If we're going to feel huge anyway we may as well try to have a life and do fun shit, ay? We may even forget the feeling for a while. You up for a trip to EuroDisney?

    Inertia blows. I hope you can break out of it and move towards better things soon. There is always hope, yes?

    Regarding Ed-Head, remember Captain Reynolds' immortal words of advice regarding people who try to kill you. Try to kill them right back.

    *Hugs*

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  9. oh darling I wish I could stop you slipping.. it kills me knowing youre in pain.. I just hope you know that you are in my thoughts and I adore you x please take care of yourself xx

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Thank you for leaving some love x