Thursday, 21 March 2013


I don't know what to say anymore
I don't know where I am going
I don't know where this blog is going
I started this blog about 10 months ago
I weighed a little less than I do now and I was focused on losing more weight
It was something verging on pro ana I think
Over time it grew in to something different
I started seeing Mary
I gained some weight and maybe started to see things more clearly
I've recently culled my blog roll
I've unfollowed anything that resembles pro ana
I read more recovery blogs now
Reading about weight loss just doesn't interest me the way it used to
I hope that's a good thing
My own weight loss doesn't even interest me that much

I'm just reading water at the moment
Keeping my head above water
Just about
My Dad commented on my weight loss today
Usually I get a great kick out of comments like that but today it didn't even register

I apologise
I don't know what I'm doing
I'm not even making sense anymore
I'm lost
So very lost

Do you ever feel like you are drowning?
That your lungs are so full of water that you can't breathe

Do you ever feel like screaming?
But you open your mouth and nothing comes out

Do you ever feel suffocated?
Like you can't get enough air

Do you ever feel like you feel too much?
That you're hyper sensitive

Do you ever feel like you are unlovable
That you don't even like yourself

Do you ever feel like saying 'What is the point?'
Just lying down and never getting up

Do you ever feel like you are a burden?
Sucking the life out of people

Do you ever feel like hurting yourself?
Like stepping out in front of the next speeding car

Do you ever feel like you're about to snap?
Break right in two

Do you ever feel like you're breaking?
Falling apart

I do


  1. That's a great start girl! It's not easy come up from the bottom but you can do it. You are loved dear. I'm really hopeful because I know you can make it.
    Hugs dear

  2. Sometimes I find myself in a similar position.
    It's hard to get out of it.
    There's no solution when the mind doesn't want to accept a solution.

  3. This sounds great. i know you do not feel like it. but guess what - even post ED i ask my self these questions. and feel these things. but still. there are more reasons out there to get crazy about - try them all, hun. AND it's f'n great that all these weight issues start to mean less. Big HUGHUGHUG. You do not fall apart. You will make it.

    1. I hope so Loulou
      I really do

      Hugs to you too x

  4. If you are lost i think you're lost in a safer part of the forest than you were earlier. You've made changes, decided you wanted to become better and happier, and you've done a lot to help yourself. Reading this post I definitely see you moving in a direction. And it's a good direction. I know you feel bad now and you feel like you don't know where you're going, but I'd say that doesn't matter so much as the fact that you're going in the right direction.

    1. Maybe I am Emily
      It just doesn't feel like it right now x

    2. :( I hope you feel better soon. That you can see how far you've come.

  5. I feel the exact same. I'm so sorry I wish there was something I could do to motivate you to live again. I wish there was anything I could do to make any of this pain a little easier.
    Well done for unfollowing all triggering blogs, that's a massive step.
    I really hope you're okay. I'll always be here for you if you're feeling alone.
    Take care.

  6. I feel the same way hun. So very, very lost. I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going. You're a precious heart Ruby, and I want so badly for us both to be well. I wish there was a map for us to find our way out of this lost place, but it's never that easy.

    Lots of love to you dear. You're in my thoughts <3 xx

    1. We'll get there Bella

      Love to you too dearest x

  7. You don't realise it but you are healing yourself - writing these words for all the world to see takes them out of your head and on to the bogosphere. I find you so powerful, so strong and I love to read about your journey. Your mind seems to change with each day, it's evolving, hopefully into a healthier happier you.

    I feel lost when I am in an episode (high or low) - my thoughts trap me and hold me hostage. I often say that I'm in quicksand and I can see a way out but there's no way I can get there. Find others who've wanted to give up...wanted to end alll the'll find help there. I recall these scary situations and I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy.

    1. I don't know Vanessa
      People seem to think that this was a positive post
      I thought it was very negative but maybe people can see something that I can't

      Thanks for your continued support x

    2. I think you those things are positive actions. Take pride in them. I sent you an email and a link to my private blog to the email address in your contact me page. I hope you have time to look at it.

  8. It's ok to not have it all figured out. I was just having this conversation with one of my roommates, experiencing a quarter-life crisis, last night. It's ok, really it's ok. As long as you are taking even small steps forward to try and figure out what it is that will make you happy and what drives you. It seems that this last hospitalization has changed you in some way, Ruby - and for the better. Even if you are taking small steps, they are steps. I am so confident that you can beat this ED. You overcame the horrors of drug addiction, truly you can do this, even if it takes time. Even if in the midst of it, you feel lost.

    I'm sorry you feel like you don't have friends sometimes - you have me. And I would love to meet you this summer, if you'll have me, or if you want to meet somewhere. You would be more than welcome to visit me in France, and I can easily go to England or Ireland... Or we could go somewhere entirely different... Holland? Denmark? Prague?

  9. 'You'll never really find your self unless you get lost from time to time.' I believe that. Feeling lost is not necessarily a bad thing, (although it may feel like crap!) it means you are seeking for better, instead of choosing to stay stranded in a stagnant place. It denotes courage and a willingness to know, to get better. Ruby, as always I admire your honesty and bravery! Stay strong, you will get to a good place, you just mightn't be able to see it right now! :)

  10. All of that, all of that.

    right now I feel like I'm being squished in a giant squishing machine, or pulled at from all angles by angry mammoths.

    You've made steps towards life and living, and you're at a crossroads. Treading water is good, keeps you from drowning.

    Come doggy paddle with me?

    Love you so much Ruby <3

  11. i think everyone feels like that sometimes, just some people do more often or find it harder to cope - or both. feelings can be SO overwhelming, i often can't handle it, half of the time i do not allow myself to feel them, i will shut them out, distract myself with things that aren't healthy for me.
    but sometimes (rarely) i manage to find healthy ways of catalysing my feelings, my anxiety. these are very personal ways though, i think everyone has to find their own, individual way of coping.
    and i'm sure you know yours already, maybe you don't realise though. it will be hard tracing these strategies, they were probably there when you were little, before the illness was there and took up everything. but you can do it. you can rediscover them.

  12. I'm really sorry you're hurting and feeling so lost. Although your pain is clear in your writing, it also seems like you're starting to feel really ready to do something different in hopes that it doesn't always have to be this way. We don't make changes because everything is "just fine! and awesome!," we make changes because our current state hurts. It really seems like you've been starting to reach that place where you know things need to change and that recovery is the way out of these feelings. Hang in there, thinking of you!

  13. Hi sweetheart, I definitely feel all of those things. I keep going to appointments because they are the only people around me that I have contact with, yet I have no desire to recover, and seeing them is unfair on them, but yet I do anyway, because without them I have nothing. I feel so lost and hopeless and I hope hope hope that you can cling on to something, search for some hope to hold onto, that things dont always have to be this way and that things can change if you want them to.

    love you lots. have you spoken to mary about inpatient or are you trying to keep seeing her?

  14. Drowning... suffocating... feeling to much... breaking... falling apart.... yes I understand those feelings too :( Keep strong and safe dear Ruby. xxxx

  15. I can relate to a lot of these emotions. Sometimes we get ourselves into a point in our lives where we are just lost and we really don't know where to start at rebuilding ourselves. I am struggling with this right now. Lately, I have been fluctuating between extremely bad days and sort of okay days. Mostly it is because I don't want to define myself how I have become but I don't know where or how to go about getting better.

    I think we just have to take it one day at a time and know that we want to heal, know that we are not happy with where we are and just be hopeful that one day we will get out of this dark tunnel and find our wonderland.

    I am hopeful that you and I and all of the rest of us that are struggling will find coping mechanisms that will help us to stay afloat until we can figure this all out.

    I am sending you my strength and support today.

  16. *hugs* things will get better... just don't give up.. <3

  17. I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. When you feel so bad, a way to feel more positive is to think that things can surely only get better. And they will. Never give up, because you deserve a wonderful life. You can get through this, and we're all here for you! Sending you much strength and hope and love xxx

  18. <3 Ruby, you're important


  19. Have I ever felt like this? Yes on and off since I was 8. But I am trying really hard right now to live a healthy, positive, joyfull life right now and I figured if I had never been so low how would I be able to really enjoy the high?
    I spent four hours yesterday on our teen unit in the hospital and I just wanted to grab them all and tell them that as crappy as things are right now, you can change them if you have the want. But I wouldn't have understood when I was in their situation, and I don't think telling someone that makes them believe it. I think you need to sit and really think what you want your life to be like, to really enjoy life how do you want to live? Once you know what you want you can start to plan.
    Ruby I know you feel like you are treading in the water but really you are just resting right now for the big swim! You got this.

  20. All the time, but I'm still here. I think of happy people sometimes and wonder how they live, but I know I wouldn't want to change places with them. Sadness can be pretty too, living when if feels as if you're going to drown. Never give up.


  21. i'm a little worried that you've vanished again.
    are you okay?
    (it's nina of the night, i have a new blog, had to move)

  22. Just as Emily says, it definitely reads as though you are lost somewhere a lot safer than the place you might have found yourself before. There are many little signs of progress in your post - don't lose hope!!! You are getting there, you're finding your way out, and there will be better days!!

    Love as always, Hope x

  23. Hey sweetie. I sent you an email a couple of days ago - I'm really worried about you having disappeared again. I know you can't reply now, for whatever reason, but I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you.
    Please don't have disappeared for good *hugs* <3 xxxx

  24. Just as Bella I'm thinking of you, but I am aware that you cannot write. Please be at least ok.


  25. For others who're concerned: I've just received an email from Ruby. She's okay, thank god, she just hasn't had Internet for a few days. If its not back tomorrow, she said she'll go to the library and post from there.

    1. Oh thank you so much Bella! You're a star!

  26. I think sometimes being lost means you're not clinging to what felt safe or known but what was really losing you. Moving away from anything unhealthy is positive, but it's a shift in identity and that's scary.

    You're being brave, as you continue to be. Trying things, admitting things, and just doing the best you can. It's all you can do.

  27. and also I have nominated you for an award. NON ED related strictly for your writing, hun.


Thank you for leaving some love x