Wednesday, 20 March 2013

What's a messed up girl to do?

This is the real truth
I've pussy footed around this subject for far too long
The truth is I'm ashamed about my life
My eating disorder has beaten me in to a corner
It's left me afraid
Fucked up in the head
My week goes something like this
On Monday's I go to my doctor
The chemist
Walk my dogs
Take too many tablets
Go home and sleep for the day
The only other time I leave the house is to go to appointments
I don't have the energy or the inclination to do much
I leave the tv on in the living room and the radio on in the kitchen so I won't have to listen to my own thoughts
I might or might not eat
And if I eat I will definitely purge
I don't have a job
I don't go to school
I don't have a boyfriend
I don't have hobbies
I don't see friends
I think it's safe to say that I don't have any any more
I feel tired all the time
I have to psych myself up to do anything
From having a shower to leaving the house
I constantly feel like I am on the edge
On the verge of tears
Like I'm about to break down
Lose it completely
Like I could snap at any moment
I'm not writing any of this so you'll feel sorry for me
It's just the way things are
It is what it is

Sometimes I wonder am I sick at all
Whether I am actually a bad and selfish person
I leave a trail of destruction in my wake
Everything I touch turns to shit
I am the opposite of King Midas
Sometimes I wonder whether my family would be better off without me
Then at least I wouldn't be a burden to them
This eating disorder keeps like a sick child
Relying on others
No independence
I read other blogs who have jobs, friends, college, hobbies
I don't have any of that
I envy them
All I have is this eating disorder
It's my job
My friend
My whole world
A world ruled my numbers
My weight is dropping
Usually I would be happy about this
But I feel nothing
I couldn't care less
It doesn't matter
My weight goes down I'm miserable
My weight goes up I'm miserable
I feel cold and numb
Numb to the bone
I wish I  gave more of a shit
But I have absolutely no shit to give

My mind is in turmoil
I would gladly take the pain of pancreatitis over the pain inside my head
I think a broken body is easier to fix than a broken mind
A broken body is tangible
You can go to the doctor
He will tell you what's wrong
He will give you a bandage or pills
And in time it heals
A broken mind is something entirely different
You can't see it
Can't feel it
It's hard to explain
To put it in to words
For me the pain is worse then physical pain
Physical pain I can handle
But mental pain is torture
It feels like you are losing your mind
Going crazy
Losing the plot
It's a silent, invisible killer

I saw Mary yesterday
I was telling her how my thoughts are so negative
That I over think and analyse everything
My mind races
Spins out of control
That little voice in my head that tells me I'm useless
It's like a non stop film playing on a loop in my head
A film about what a bad person I am
And because I listen to it so much I know believe it
I'm just so tired
Wiped out
What's a messed up girls to do?

Do you think physical or mental pain is worse?


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    1. sry hun for deleting, the c was epic, and not all helpfull. i always get too passionate. you are already doing great,you must know that. all i wish for you is to be happier, without this pain, i hope you can get/find the help you need.


  2. Don't be embarrassed by your life. I think everyone has issues some of us (not me) are better at dealing with them than others. Most people are just better at hiding them. Concentrate on the positive things you have accomplished and do dwell on the negative. Do try comparing yourself to anyone else.

    You do have a hobby. You are a writer and a blogger. You are a part of a larger community remember that. You are not alone.

    I don't have an answer for what is worse mental or emotional pain. Years on antidepressants has numbed both my body and mind.

    1. I do tend to compare myself to others but yes you are right, I am a blogger and I write a lot
      Sometimes it's the only thing that gets me through the day

      I'm the same
      On so many meds I can't feel x

  3. I agree with Bathwater, everyone has issues of some sort and people who look like their lives are spiffy and shiney clean are just covering up the dirt. Don't be embarrassed. Personally, having had both mental and physical pain, I would take the physical pain any day over mental anguish. I hate offering advice because I don't want to be irritating plus who am I to be giving advice?, but negative thoughts can be very powerful in a destructive way. You are here on earth for a reason Ruby and you are valuable..write out some positive affirmations and post them in your living space and tell yourself you are good and valuable. Believe me, affirmations work. Find something new to do..force yourself to do it (I had to totally force myself whether I felt like it or not), even if it is a 10 minute walk a few times a day. I know it is hard, but keep fighting.

    1. Thanks Krystal
      I know I have to make little changes and hopefully they will add up to make big changes
      I am trying with food
      Eating little and often

      I will keep fighting x

  4. Here's an anology I like to with me on this...

    You were walking along on the surface, doing ok, then you fell into this huge cravasse in the ground. This deep pit and darkness had always been there hiding under the surface but now you're face to face with it. In the darkness there are three ways to escape. Do what everyone wants you to do and build a ladder to crawl yourself out. But what people don't realise is you've busted your shoulder in the fall and you don't have the strength to climb. Second, you can blast your way out by taking on a huge challenge or maybe by escaping the pain in a descructive way....this takes a LOT of work, and sometimes you barely move up through the rock and darkness, you just feel like you're making progress. Third, cultivate the dark soil around you. Plant a seed and send it daily love from your heart. In time.....TIME....this seed will grow to reach the sunlight and a beautiful flower will emerge. Maybe different than before but stronger and more perfect. Grow and can do it my sweet!! You're ill, you need help, keep asking for it, you deserve to get well and that's all your loved ones want from you.

  5. I feel much the same, that my life is empty. I feel lost, alone and empty. My eating disorder has taken myself away from me. I literally spend all day picking at my skin, smoking, and staring at the wall. Needlework has kept me just recently but it's just so pointless.
    I think mental pain is worse. It's harder to alleviate. I'd been mentally ill for years Pre-ED, and everything just seems to build. Physical pain I can tolerate, but the never ending mental pain is unbearable.
    I hope Mary had some words of wisdom for you. You are stronger than your problems Ruby, please don't give up. <3 xx

    1. I'm glad but also so sad that you can relate Bella
      It's a horrible place to be
      It's scary
      I'm glad that needlework is giving you some relief

      Stay strong my dear

      I won't give up if you don't x

  6. After a while it's hard to tell which is mental and which is physical pain. I agree that the physical is much easier to fix. I am certain that if my mind were cured my body would follow.

    Hugs to you. Sorry you're in both kinds of pain.

  7. Pain in all forms sucks but it seems easier to treat physical pain because you can actually see the progress of say moving your head side to side when you couldn't before physical therapy. Mental therapy takes so much more time and effort because we don't seek help when we get a mental papercut we wait for it to get infected, turns black, and needs to be removed. Or in some cases we wait for the hand or arm to need to be removed. Its time to ask yourself where are you? You have the will and the way you can do it!

  8. I would take physical pain any day as well. Nothing can solve or take away emotional anguish... it's relentless. Wish I had words of encouragement but all I can say is sending love and hugs your way sweetie!! <3 <#

  9. While both mental pain and physical pain both really hurt, I believe that mental pain can become physical pain and that becomes a double whammy when that happens. Any form of pain can be debilitating and always results in suffering. I am sending you my support and encouragement today! One day at a time, we can heal. I am hopeful for both of us, and for all of us that are on a healing journey.

  10. Sending you support today too x

  11. A broken body is WAY easier to fix than a broken mind.

    Mental pain is so much worse, it's why I started to self-harm. External pain to distract myself.

    You can fight your way to a life that hurts less, that give you more. I know you can. You've got Mary and others there to pass you your water bottle and check your climbing ropes and harness. It's along, tough, dirty, painful, nasty bitch of a climb, but you CAN do it. You are so fucking worth it, Ruby.

    Always here for you, love <3

  12. mental pain is by far the worse.


Thank you for leaving some love x