Monday, 18 March 2013

Still with the purging!

You know those people who have had near death experiences or have battled ill health
You know the ones
They have these amazing epiphany's
They claim that they have looked death in the face and survived
They realise that they were taking their lives for granted
Taking people for granted
They see that they are unhappy with their lot
Their lives
Their jobs
Their hum-drum, rat race existence
They vow to change their ways
To never waste another minute
To live everyday like it is their last day on earth
To do all the things they really want to do
That they've been putting off
Now they have a new appreciation for life
Renewed vigour
Zest for life
Well that hasn't happened to me
Not one little bit

I feel my body hurting
My back and sides ache
My stomach is sore
It's distended and feels like it is churning acid
It gurgles and rumbles and grumbles and is generally very uncomfortable
Food tastes different
There is a chemical taste off of it
I have a deathly pallor
Dark circles under my eyes
I was with my mechanic the other day, who was also in hospital last week
We looked like two ghosts having a conversation about cars

And yes, I am still purging
Still with the purging
Not as much but it's still there
My nemesis
I've tried to stop
I promise you I have
But I can't
I literally can't
Not on my own at least

Judging from the comments on my last couple of posts, I'm thinking that people have the impression that I'm a lot thinner than I actually am
I'm not emaciated
I'm not starving
Yes, I was emaciated for a long time but over the last 2 years I have gained more weight than I've lost
Yes, recently my weight has dropped a little but I'm no where near where I was
I was about to write 'And I'm not being delusional'
But maybe I am
I don't know
What do you think?
You saw my photo a couple of posts back as I am today
Am I living in cloud cuckoo land?

Oh and just so it's not all doom and gloom, here are a few funny things that happened in hospital

  In casualty someone's phone rang and it was the casualty theme tune

  A nurse giving out shit to a man in casualty who kept making smart comments at the top of his voice
     For instance, every time the phone rang he kept repeating 'The phone's ringing, the phone's ringing....

  My mother arriving to visit me only to find me and my bed missing. She thought that I had died but I was actually having tests done (Maybe that one is not so funny but my family have a dark sense of humour)

  The psychiatrist asking me how long my memory had been bad and my replying in all seriousness 'I can't remember'

Have a good Monday! x


  1. A doctor once asked me to count backwards from 100 by seven. So 100-7=93. I can't do that in a rational state of mind let alone when I am crying uncontrolably!
    In all seriousness yes you need to stop purgeing, no matter what your wt is. You body can't handle it all no matter if you where 45lbs or 350lbs. Remember treatment doesn't cure you, it stablizes your that mind can function properly so that you can then heal properly. It won't all go away but you will have the ability to work through it. Don't talk youself out of your life.

    1. I'm trying Josie
      I think I need to get out of my own head and actually talk to someone x

  2. i do not envy those people because they did have horrid experences and losses, and maybe this way of dealing with it is their only way to survive.

    I am not one of them either.

    1. I guess so Loulou
      Whatever gets you through I suppose x

  3. Near-death experiences have never been enough to 'shock' me out of it. It's scary, because we think it will and it doesn't.
    I really hope you're able to get help with the purging soon. You are worth life Ruby.
    P.S, my family have a dark sense of humor too. If we can't laugh, we cry.
    <3 xx

    1. That's it Bella
      It's scary because it's not scary
      If you know what I mean x

  4. It's not always a near death experience that actually touches me. I think it's the mundane, like looking at my friends laughing around me or being greeted by them with the silly nickname theme we have. It's walking home after work at 4 am and realizing some people don't have jobs. For me it's the utter realization of the things I have that I take for granted. It's that sunset back home in the Midwest or that game of cards with my mom and her bf. I don't think you need to come close to death to realize you're saying your life. Don't get me wrong, it's not easy. Some days I have to make an applied effort but I have a friend who asked me what my piece of joy was and I couldn't tell her. She told me it's not something great every single day, rather a deliberate effort to see beauty or to count a blessing. I now make sure I look for one thing every day, whether I want to or not. You should try this.
    Don't give up lovely. I'm rooting for you!

    1. Great way to look at it Eve
      I have so many blessing in amongst this chaos
      But instead of savouring them I worry about the day when they're gone
      Shit I'm crying again
      Why is it everytime I stop eating I start crying? x

    2. Your crying because the numbness the food gave you wore off, at least that's why I do it. Remember you are not alone.

    3. I think you're right Josie x

    4. I worry about the say they're gone instead of the day it's here too. Learn to enjoy THIS moment. <3 I'm hugging you

    5. Thanks Eve

      Hugging you right back x

  5. The problem with near-death experiences is that they will only impact those afraid of death. Perhaps you need a "near-horrible-quality-of-life" experience or a "near-alive-but-hospital-bed-ridden" experience. Or maybe no threat of bodily harm or mortality will force us to change our ways...not until we make up our own minds on how we want to live. But the longer the purging cycle continues, or really any of our ed behaviors, the quality of our lives decreases exponentially. Even if we're too psyched up on our hunger highs and feeling too elated to notice, the decline is there..
    We only have so much time left here. Are we ever going to get a chance to enjoy it? I hope so, and keeping my fingers crossed for you and all the others out there <33

    1. I have too Anna
      God time goes by so fast these days
      I blink and years have gone by
      And all the while nothing changes
      Sometimes I wonder if I'm a lazy and selfish person and not ill at all
      These thing is like a poison of the body and mind
      I have no doubt it wants me dead

      Hang in there sweetheart x

  6. My girl, you are so so tiny!! I used to weigh 112 pounds for like 15 years straight, and everyone told me I was too thin. I thought I was ok because my thighs looked rather large, but my ribs peeked through and my arms looked wimpy. I have now gained 30 poubnds on my new meds and to me I look HUGE, but everyone is saying, wow, you look amazing, so healthy, so curvy, so gorgeous. I like being in this new body. I even look down at my belly (it's not that big) and I call it my baby and send it love. I was never thin enough for my husband, but you know what - I am not married to him any more. Hello body, I love you!

  7. Vanessa it's been a long time since I read about someone gaining weight and being happy about it but I love that you love your body
    What an ass your ex husband was to never accept your weight
    Thank you for making me smile on this dark day x

  8. I'm still waiting for my epiphany, but so far it's just been a ton of hard work and me stomping my feet screaming 'but I don't wanna!!!".

    I don't think epiphanies happen for everyone. You just got to carry on fighting Ruby. Sorry I couldn't bring more cheery news.

  9. That's ok Clsire
    YOu are just being honest x

  10. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time right now, but I am glad I have found your blog. It gives me hope for another.

  11. I'm really sorry you're hurting, and don't forget that the disease will skew your perceptions so it's harder to see how severe things are and how important it is to really treat what's going on. Your body is telling you that things need to change, I really hope you're able to work on these things and get all of the wonderful things that you deserve in recovery. Do take care!

    1. Thanks Alie
      I'm trying to make little changes and hopefully they will add up to be big changes x

  12. Slowing down is good, you can't go from 0-60 instantly and you can't go from 60-0 instantly, either.

    You need to stop or you'll die, but you know that.

    If you need the help to stop, GET IT.

    I'm making plans to come up your way next year and if you're dead I swear by all the kittens of the world I'll find your LEAST favourite colour and write the worst puns in the world all over the back of your tombstone.

    Because I want to hang out with you, not visit your grave.

    I love you to bits, Ruby *hugs*


Thank you for leaving some love x