Saturday, 16 March 2013


Do you know that Ian Brown song F.E.A.R?
Where he sings 'You got the fear'
Well, I think I have the fear

The last week has been something of an eye opener
I'm not quite back to myself yet but I'm well enough to think about and process recent events
I said that the pancreatitis was unexpected
That I had no warning
But is that really true?
I've been purging multiple tines a day for 13 years
Something was bound to give
And if I don't change my ways I've been warned that the condition will become chronic
So why doesn't that scare me?
Why doesn't that shock me?
I'm starting to worry that I'm not worried if that makes sense
I've been reading about pancreatitis  and one of the side effects or symptoms is weight loss
I was secretly delighted to read this
But that is truly sick and twisted
How disgusting it is to think that way
There must be something seriously warped in my head
I purged 4 times yesterday
I'm sure that's the definition of insanity

Now that I am feeling better I have a million questions
The main one being that if my meds caused this, then why the hell am I still on them?
This week has highlighted just what a problem my meds are
I've been on methadone for 9 years now
9 years
A person is not meant to be kept on it for this long
They call it maintenance but this is ridiculous
Yes my dose has been reduced but I'm not even half way there
And it's not just my doctor that is to blame
I should be speaking up and saying that I want to be off it
But the thing is that I don't want to come off it
I reluctantly reduced my dose and was kicking and screaming all the way
I'm addicted to methadone
Psychologically and physically
And also my other meds
I'm addicted to them too and do tend to abuse them
They are my escape
My opt out of reality option
If I feel like I can't cope with life, I just pop some pills and float in to oblivion
Why would I want to give that up?

I watched a documentary last week about Russell Brand called 'Addiction to recovery'
I don't particularly care for Russell Brand but it's a topic that interests me so I watched it
Russell was addicted to drugs when he was in his twenties
But he is now clean
I'm not 100% sure as he didn't mention AA or NA but I figure he uses that programme
He believes in complete abstinence from drugs
Including prescription drugs like methadone
He believes that until an addict is completely abstinent they are just bouncing from one addiction to another
He made a lot of sense
He articulated himself very well and was obviously passionate about the subject
I've tricked myself for the longest time that I am clean
That because I'm not sticking a needle in my arm I am not using
That prescription drugs don't count
I've slipped in to the belief that because they are prescribed and legal they are ok
But I don't take them properly
I never have
Yes, I may get through a few days or even a few weeks of taking them properly but in the end I always go back to abusing them
I just can't trust myself with drugs
I've always been like that
I could never have just one drink
Once  I started I couldn't stop for love nor money
One is too many and a thousand never enough as they say in AA
And if a bottle of pills says to take one daily
You can bet your life that I will take 3 or 4
Because I'm an addict
Because I can't help myself
Imagine that feeling you get just before a binge
Nothing in the world could stop you from eating that food
The world could be ending and you would still find a way to get to that food
The 2 addictions, drugs and anorexia/bulimia come from the same place
It's the same addiction just a different substance
The feelings
The emotions
The lengths we go to for both addictions are the same
I have a lot of other addictions too that aren't quite as serious but they are addictions all the same
They include tv
They are all crutches that get me through the day
Without them I shudder to think how I would manage
What would be left of they were taken away?
Me I guess
And that is exactly what I've been running from all these years

Someone left a comment asking me if I was going to consider treatment again
And yes I am considering it
Mary has said she can't keep seeing me if I continue to purge
And I literally can't stop
At least not on my own
I need help
I need to dedicate a lot of time and energy to it and I just can't do it here at home on my own
I can't trust myself
But if I do go back in I have to sure that I'm going to be committed and give it 100%
The last 3 times in treatment I made precious little progress
I didn't really try
I sabotaged things for myself
Got asked to leave
The last time it took me a full year to work up the courage just to ring the treatment centre
But time is a luxury I just don't have anymore
The situation is getting urgent
I can't afford to mess about
So I'm going to ring Imelda who runs the programme
At least I've been there before and I know the people
The admission process shouldn't take as long
There a couple of reservations that I have
One being that I don't think I am thin enough
God, that is so stupid but it's how I feel
Another being that I clashed with some of the nurses last time which drove me out the door in the end
If I go back I'll have stay out of trouble and keep my head down
And the last being that going in to treatment puts a huge strain on my family
It's on the other side of the country and it's a long way to travel every week as they would do
My parents have always said that they don't mind but it still plays on my mind
I guess I've a lot of thinking to do
But one things for sure
Something has to change
I'm skating on thin ice
Very thin ice

I was wondering what you think
If you were me would you go back to treatment?
Please give reasons for your answer


  1. Oh my goodness my love, treatment is life! You are circling the drain and there is no way out, I think it's amazing that you're even thinking of treatment, that is a HUGE step. You parents want you to LIVE, and by that I don't just mean that you're killing yourself, I mean your soul. Your soul seems dead inside right now. And they don't want that for you. Have you ever thought of going to a sweat lodge? Chanting and praying might give you answers that you need to move forward in your healing. You need to peel back the layers and find out why you don't think you're worth getting better and why you are so afraid to really look yourself in the face. Does treatment come with counselling? You really need to be speaking with a therapist every few days or at least once a week. You're being ruled by your emotions and your feelings right now. Have you ever tried cognitive behaviour therapy - it works for me anyway. Good luck my girl - just by asking for our feedback, I know you're trying to make the right decision for you.

    1. No I've never considered a sweat lodge, to be honest I don't know a lot about them but I will definitely look them up
      My thoughts were to maybe go back to the hospital I was in before as they know me there
      A lot of times I have trouble with these places because I am on methadone and it causes problems
      But this place knows and accommodate it
      I don't know yet
      I guess I have a lot of thinking to do x

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    1. Mary is always trying to get me to do other things and interests outside of my eating disorder
      Before I got sick I had my name down to volunteer in an animal shelter, something I really want to do
      You are right Loulou, I do need other things to focus on, to think about, to fill my time with
      I spend 24,7 consumed by my eating disorder at the moment

      I'm delighted that you are doing so well
      So happy for you
      You deserve it and more

      I can understand why you would find reading ed blogs difficult
      You're in a different and better place now

      I'm trying to find Ruby
      I know she's in there,she's just a bit lost

      Stay well dearest x

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  4. I think it's a very wise move to consider treatment. Your health is failing, and your body won't be able to hold on forever. I don't want you to disappear one day Ruby. It sounds like you're coming closer and closer to actually wanting recovery, not just wanting to want it. You know that you can't stop purging on your own, but you need to or you'll lose Mary, and maybe your life.
    I know you clashed with a nurse in treatment, but that one woman is no reason to not go back. Don't let her stop you seeking recovery. Neither is the fear of failure. You need to fight Ruby. I know it's hypocritical coming from me, but I want to see survive through this. You're far too precious to lose to this bitch of an ED.

    All my love to you dearest. You're in my thoughts <3 xx

    1. You're right Bella, I can't let that one nurse hold me back
      I've heard she's not on the ed ward anymore so that makes me feel better
      Of course I can find a million reasons not to go and to put off going
      The last time I went it took me a year to work up the courage to ring

      I want to see you get well too Bella
      You are so precious

      Lots of love to you x

  5. If treatment this time would be the last time, what would you think about pushing and challenging yourself with mary first, because you need suppport, but you also have to want it, and if you don't really truly want it, then going back into treatment is going to change nothing when you come back out, and if you do truly want it, then you might find the courage to challenge you purging? even once a day, and build on it, and avoid it - like if you know tomorrow is your purge filled day, go out, dont stay at home, don't let it be your purge day? xxx

    1. This is true Nina
      I have a history of being really motivated before I go to treatment and once I am there I get scared and it vanishes
      Trying with Mary first is a good way to go
      If she'll have me
      That service won't deal with severe EDs and I am quickly slipping in to that category

      Thanks for the support, you are a star x

  6. I think that your mind is focussing on the right thoughts and that is the very first step. You know that you are at a point where you need to heal, and you can heal. In you, there is a light that will let you heal, you just need to find the right support and the right path to set you on that route. You can do it, whichever route you decide to take (therapy, support groups, treatment, whatever your healing process may be). Know that you are not alone and that there are people out there who care :)

    1. Yes exactly
      I do need to find out what works for me
      There is no set way to recover
      I'm sure it's slightly different for everyone

      I hope I'm not alone x

  7. Knowing what I know, yes. I kinda set a moment for myself in my head where enough is enough. That was when my kidneys were going.
    I think the thing to remember is that we think this is all there is. We act as though our disorder is all we have and it's not. It is because we allowed it to be our friend, our lover, our family. It just takes effort to get back out there and it takes a little effort to admit that you have a disorder and need to lean on someone when you go places that the behaviors will come out at.
    Being healthy is most important. I think it's more of a strain for your family knowing their daughter's body is shutting down. It's time. Allow yourself to heal Ruby. You don't need this and you don't need the methadone. You just need to fill the hole with things that matter and create relationships with people that matter. The rest falls into place dear.
    All my love dear. You're still in my thoughts and prayers.
    <3 big hugs!

    1. Thanks Eve
      You're right, there is far more to me than drugs and Ed
      At least I hope there is
      Sometimes I wonder if this isn't all I am
      And yes, my family would travel the world over every week if they thought it would help
      I just don't want to announce that I'm trying to recover and fail miserably
      In a way it's easier to stay like this
      Well, it is and it isn't

      Hugs to you too lovely x

  8. You really should go, you're so right about everything you wrote. Mary has been great to you but she's not enough and you're closer to admit that which is good.

    I really think you should go so that you could really let go of addictions and be healthy because you deserve it, you really do and your body isn't going to hold on much longer that way. I would hate to see you disappear when you can survive. You really need something to focus on that has nothing to do with your disorder so that you can take your life back from this abusing imaginary friend.

    1. I'm in two minds Tatyana
      I really need to speak to Mary
      I'm seeing her Tuesday
      She'll know what to do x

  9. Yes Ruby! It is time. Your parents don't mind the long drive because they would do anything to see you thrive. You are not thriving right now Ruby. I'm sorry if that is harsh but it's true. Like Loulou says you aren't using a head with nutrients. You don't have a fully functioning mind when you are starving. It's not possible. You are trying to use a starved mind to logically make a decision but it's a monkey mind. A monkey mind tricks you. Think of it this way ... If your Mum or Dad had an ED wouldn't you hope, pray, beg for them to seek help? I think you would. Wouldn't you believe they had the power to get better? To live a life not driven by addictions? I believe you would. And you would want that so deeply that you would keep helping them fight for it. That's what they see. They see their beautiful daughter; smart, thoughtful, kind, but sad lonely, hiding and they want you to thrive! They want you well so you can be whole. It is time Ruby. You have done this for 13 years. That's enough. Now you learn how to take care of your precious soul and body in a healthy & kind way. It is time.

  10. I guess I've been waiting for the right time and there just isn't a right time
    The right time is now
    Right now

    Thanks for your opinion/advice, much appreciated x

  11. Sorry for being absent during the events of the past week, Ruby! I am so glad you made it out of the hospital in one piece, as I would be terribly sad otherwise (especially since I would really love to come meet/visit you while I am abroad this summer!!!)

    I hope you take this incident as a true wake up call. 13 years is far to long to abuse your body in such a horrific way. You deserve to live a happy, full life, and it isn't too late. You have so much time to put all of this in the path and move forward. Inpatient treatment sounds like it would be the best avenue for you, but only you know if you are truly committed. Your eating disorder is so complicated and wrapped up in addiction, but knowing that people can overcome both and do not have to succumb to death as a result of these diseases should give you hope that you can get there too. Even though it is going to be hell, it cannot compare to the nightmare you live in now, depriving yourself of nutrients, being stuck in rituals and fear, and being addicted to chemicals.

    Sorry if that was a bit raw and blunt. I just know you have such a big heart and deserve the absolute best from your life. What a beautiful soul you have, my friend.

    Let me know if there is anything I can do for you right now. Feel free to email me anytime.

    Lots and lots of love.

    1. Thanks sweetheart
      It's been a crazy week and I'm glad it's over
      Well actually it might not be over yet as I'm still in a lot of pain
      Maybe have to see the doctor again tomorrow
      All this physical pain is taking my mind off mentally torturing myself so at least that's something

      Hope you are doing ok
      Look forward to an update from you

      Love to you too x

  12. You've had an ED for over a decade, OF COURSE there is something warped in your head :p Hell, even after less than have that time I still get jealous of diabetics and their potential to indulge in diabulimic behaviours :( Recognise the sick thoughts for what they are and tell them to fuck off.

    In the words of Captain Malcom Reynolds: "If someone/something tries to kill you, you try to kill them right back"

    Abusing your meds as you have been would certainly increase the likelihood of them doing you damage. Even when I was taking Mirtazapine properly I had to get blood tests to make sure my liver was still working properly. (Since I'm a suicidal wench I never went for them)

    Fuck, if I could do that I wouldn't want to give it up. It's why I haven't let myself start. I envy the hell out of people with BiPolar, the mania sounds fucking awesome from the outside. Still, floating off isn't living. It's just existing, nothing more or less. If we keep insulating ourselves from shit we never learn how to cope, we end up like the spoiled little rich girls who never learn how to deal with life because Daddy and their trust funds take care of them. (Ew, we become emotional Paris Hiltons D:)

    Complete Abstinence is more of that all-or-nothing, black-and-white thinking that characterises many unhealthy thought behaviours and disorders. ANYTHING can be abused. If you're not following the instructions, you're still using. Hell, it's one way how I can tell Kirk is a raging addict. His first reaction to 'I need to get to sleep earlier' is 'I need sleeping pills' and not 'I should stop drinking 12 coffees a day' -.-;

    This video popped up on my Youtube dash, it might give a few ideas?

    If you really want to try to live and to learn to cope without these crutches that are killing you, then go to treatment. I want you to go to try to get physically better, because you'll be dead soon without it and I don't wanna lose you :( I'm planning a trip to the UK and I want to come hang out with you, but I know that trying to drag you away from your ED routine to hang out will not be much fun :/ Still, physical restoration is only buying time if there is nothing done about the brainstate. It's only prolonging the inevitable.

    I wish I had a way to show you that you ARE worth fighting for, there are parts of you that are worth carrying forward as you leave this hell in the past where it belongs. I love you so so much and want to come meet you and play with your dogs and see all the lovely places around your town that only locals know of. I also want to show you all the places around here that tourists don't get to see and have cups of tea in the front yard and talk shit and have BBQ farmkill without worrying about your ED making the rest of the trip hell and fucking it up for you.

    I've spent so long trying to find reasons to stay alive and finding things worth living for, and you as a blogfriend are one of them. I wish there was a way I could help you find things to stick around for.

    Love you so so much Ruby. YOU ARE WORTH FIGHTING FOR.

  13. I don't know what to say Peri
    You leave all my arguments for holding on to my ED redundant
    I swear doctors talk shit when trying to make you see sense
    You on the other hand make a whole heap of sense and I for one need to reminded of that, probably every hour on the hour
    I'm in a prison of my own making and only I have the key to get out
    The key is hidden away but I know I can find it if I look hard enough
    It's whether I want to risk life outside these 4 walls of anorexia
    I swear I could talk about recovery for the rest of my life and never do a damn thing about it
    I don't want this blog to turn in to a 'will she, won't she' saga
    I don't know Peri
    I wish you were here
    I wish we could sit and chat until dawn and sort out the worlds problems
    Or at least our own
    I hope you read this
    You are beyond amazing
    One of the strongest people I've ever met
    And I've met some pretty strong people
    You have a huge heart and shines out of you
    So glad to have met you and yes maybe someday we will meet under better circumstances
    Ok let's stop there before we all start crying

    Thank you for your continued insight and support
    For reminding me to laugh
    For being your bad ass self

    Love you x

  14. It seems as if treatment might be best if you're truly committed to doing the work and really jumping into it. If you're not able to stop the behaviors on your own, and are ready/willing to at least give recovery a fair chance, treatment could be great for you. Do take care, and remember that just by being you, you're worth complete and total happiness and health.

  15. Yes, I think you should go to treatment. You need something, anything, to get you motivated and on the right path. Being addicted to something won't go away without outside help and a lot of courage. You have the courage to do what you need to do, so now you need an extra push.
    Not to mention I'm guessing in treatment it will be a lot harder to purge. If that's true, then it would be good to go because you'd be giving your stomach and pancreas a rest, not to mention all the other health benefits.
    It seems like Mary is pushing you in that direction. She knows she won't be able to help you get over the hump alone.
    What if you tried a different treatment center? That way it would be a complete change in scenery, which might help to kickstart new habits. And you wouldn't have to deal with the nurses you didn't like.
    What do you think?


Thank you for leaving some love x