Thursday, 14 March 2013

Home sweet home

A big thank you to everyone for your well wishes and concern following my last post
I truly love you all
I'm home from hospital
God, it's so good to be home
Sleeping in my own bed last night was heaven
I remember the last time I was in hospital I was perfectly content to be there
But this time I just wanted to get out
I felt suffocated
It all started on Saturday morning
I was awoken early with a pain in my left side
I do get pains and twinges from time to time so I wasn't overly concerned
I got up and made tea and had a smoke
But the pain was getting worse and was unlike any pain I've had before
I went to my mother to tell her and she said that I looked awful
As I lay on the couch I got weaker and weaker
I was so hot I was sweating and very clammy
My condition seemed to be deteriorating rapidly and the pain was only getting worse so mam rang NowDoc but all she got was an answering service
It was so scary as we just didn't know what to do
Not willing to risk my getting worse mam rang as ambulance
I lay on the sitting room floor writhing in agony as I waited for it to come
It was only half an hour but it felt like an eternity
The ambulance guys really were great
By now I was freezing so they wrapped me up well and bundled me in to the ambulance
My blood pressure was so low (70/40) that they couldn't give me anything stronger than paracetemol for the pain
My mother stayed behind to organize someone to look after my dogs and followed us in

We arrived at the hospital and I was seen straight away in A&E
My doctor looked about 12
They wanted to put me on a drip to get my blood pressure up so they had to put a line in
What an ordeal that was
2 doctors tried for half an hour to find a worthy vein
They checked one arm
No luck
The other arm
No luck
No luck
I just wanted to scream 'Hurry up and give me some fucking morphine!!'
Then they tried my feet
The doctor said he was using a needle that they usually use for babies
After 6 years of heroin abuse my veins have all but collapsed
He managed to get a vein in my right foot but it was so small it was pretty useless
Just then an older doctor came in
He tapped the crook of my arm twice and got a big juicy vein first time
Now at least I could get pain relief
First they gave me Tramadol but it made no difference
Then they gave me morphine
I could feel the warm sensation through out my body but it didn't touch the pain
Over the next hour they gave me 4 more shots but I got absolutely no relief
They couldn't up the dose as my blood pressure was still too low
I felt so bad
The pain was unbearable and I just couldn't get comfortable
They thought that it might be my bowel so a male doctor had to inspect my 'back passage' as they call it
Talk about leaving your dignity at the door
They also gave me an enema but it made precious little difference
My bloods showed that my pancreas was inflamed so that was what caused the pain
And I can't begin to describe the pain
All I could do was curl up on the trolley and pray for it all to be over
I truly felt like I was dying

Eventually I was brought up to the ward and in to a more comfortable bed
I was completely wiped out
However I did have the presence of mind to ask for a sleeping pill
Once and addict, always an addict I guess
I slept straight through the night and all of the next day and night
I only woke up properly on Monday
I forced myself to have a shower as I was beginning to stew in my own sweat
I had an endoscopy in the afternoon
A camera was put in to my stomach to see what was up down there
But the sedation didn't work properly and I ended up throwing up every where
It turned out that I had pancreatitis
There are a number of things  that cause it
The number one thing being alcohol
But I don't drink so that was ruled out straight away
They also thought that my meds could have caused it
And of course the purging made it worse
So it looks like my meds will have to be changed

By Tuesday I was feeling a lot better
I was still in pain and my BP was still very low but at least I could walk now
Psychiatric services came to see me in the afternoon
The doctor explained that it was really important that I stopped purging or my condition would worsen
He said things had to change
He asked me if I thought I was fat
I said I did
He said that in fact I needed to gain to weight
I was really quite surprised to hear that
I also had an ultrasound done that day
And because I was having so many tests done, I was fasting most of the time
Not that I was missing out on miserable hospital food

By Wednesday I was really ready to go home
I was restless and bored and just wanted to get out of there
I had to wait around all day to get the results of blood tests and at 6pm I was finally given the ok to go
My father came to collect me and I wasn't in the door of my house when the hospital rang
The doctor told that I also had an infection in my stomach
I was afraid they were going to ask me to go back in but they just told me to see my own doctor asap
It was such a relief to be home
Back in my comfort zone
My bubble
I wish I could say that that was the day I turned eveything around
That I vowed never to purge again
But the truth is I purged twice that day
I swear, I never seem to learn
It didn't feel the same when I purged
My stomach felt weaker
Less able to preform the act
I just hope that I haven't done any permanent damage

The whole experience was scary but not for the reasons you might think
I wasn't afraid of dying
I really wasn't
But it made me realise how alone I truly am
I have relied on my parents all week
For everything from minding my dogs to just being there
My brother and his girlfriend came for the weekend and my sister made a brief appearance on Saturday but apart from that there was no one else
No one to call
No one to help
And that scared the shit out of me
My parents are not getting any younger
They won't be around forever
And how will I manage then?
I have no idea
I can't rely on my sister as she wants nothing to do with me
I've pushed all my friends away and that is my own fault
They say that when the shit hits the fan you find out who your true friends are
And when it came to the crunch, all I had was my parents
This terrifies me
Someday in the not too distant future I will be alone
I can't let that happen

Today I went to see my own doctor
I put on jeans that I hadn't worn in a week and they felt looser
It felt good
But how sick and twisted is that
My internal organs are failing and I'm getting off on the fact that I've lost weight
I really disgust myself sometimes
But that's the nature of this cruel illness

Today I feel ok
Not 100% but ok
I'm motivated to get the purging under control
I bought food today  that I'm comfortable with and avoided binge food
All these years I've kidded myself that I've been getting away with my eating disorder
That it wasn't affecting my health
That getting ill would never happen to me
But I can't live in denial any longer
It's happening
My health is failing
And anorexia and bulimia are to blame
I'm anxious to see Mary as I know she'll be able to help me make sense of all of this
Things have to change
I have to change
I'm afraid to try recovery but at this moment I'm more afraid to stay like this
Is it too late for me?
Can I turn this around?
I hope so
I truly hope so


  1. I'm glad you're feeling better. That sounds so scary. You're really brave. Get well soon. x

  2. Oh dear..... I really hope you're feeling better and that the infection goes away quickly.
    It's not too late. You CAN do this. You CAN return to life.
    I understand that fear. I think I've been blessed with some good friends at college and I don't know what I would do without them so I try not push them away. Sometimes I want to to avoid food but what's better? Don't dismay. Friends can be made over time.
    There is strength in you and I know it's there.
    You are in my prayers dear Ruby.
    Lots of love. Be gentle with yourself.

    1. Thank you Eve
      I hope it's not too late
      For the first time in a long time I realise that I can't go on like this
      My body just won't take the abuse
      I'm going to take baby steps
      Today was a good day
      I ate soup and some fish and didn't purge
      A small but significant victory

      Love to you too sweetie x

  3. I'm glad you're feeling a little better today sweetie. That pain must've been agonizing :(
    Hopefully your doctor can get you feeling better soon. Between pancreatis and a stomach infection, I'm not at all surprised you're feeling weak.
    It's never too late to turn things around, while you're still living and breathing there is always hope. You've taken a very positive step by buying non-binge food, and I'm sure Mary will be able to help give you that push.

    Sending you a massive cuddle and lots of love. You'll be in my thoughts dear <3 xx

    1. Thank you dear Bella
      At least I know what I can do to help myself
      I just need to put it in to practise
      It won't be easy but I have to do it
      My life depends on it

      Thank you so much for being there
      It means more than you know

      Love you x

  4. I am so glad that you are feeling better.. And I am so sad that you had to go through this.. :/ it's not too late though, find a reason to fight, love you xx

    1. I'm hoping it's not too late Rayya
      Maybe this is my 'rock bottom' and I can only go up from here

      Hope you're ok

      Love you too x

  5. Ruby ruby i'm so glad you got well enough to be sent home.i don'T know what to say.i just want give you a hug.what is it,what only makes you continue to crave for weightloss even now,when you are so disastrously fragile.and why why why is there no better help for this cruel and potentially lethal illness.please ruby try,please dont give up!!!!

    1. I wish I knew Loulou
      This quest for weight loss is an obsession that overshadows everything else
      But I am realising that the purging has to stop here
      It has to stop today
      I am afraid of this condition turning chronic and then I'd be in a right mess
      It's going to be baby steps that will hopefully add up to be big changes
      I have to change
      I won't give up
      Not yet
      There is still some fight in me x

  6. It's never too said that it didn't look like you'd done any permanent damage, but really...

    After googling pancreatitis, it says that it contributes to malabsorption of food and the pancreas releases enzymes and "releases the hormones insulin and glucagon into the bloodstream. These hormones are involved in blood glucose metabolism, regulating how the body stores and uses food for energy." It can be more than just this one says acute pancreatitis can become more chronic. I'm not a doctor, I just got this from the internet, but the purging really does need to stop...your body needs nutrients, and now it can't even absorb them sufficiently. If you have a ton of people coming at you from different sides telling you the same thing, might be time to pay attention. Leave bulimia at the door, she seems to be attacking your body more and more. Just please try to get better and even if it wasn't an immediate wake up call, more and more bad things are going to happen if you don't do anything. I love you hon, but I want to see you better. <3

    1. I've been reading about it too today and it really makes for scary reading
      It's actually quite serious and that's only sinking in today
      I hope my doctors change my meds soon as they are probably what's causing it
      I've been left on my meds for far too long and now instead of helping me they are killing me
      It is a wake up call
      It's a warning that things aren't right inside
      It's up to me to do something about it and make the change
      It won't be easy but I have to do it

      Thanks sweetie x

  7. It is not unusual to isolate oneself from friends or even family when we have an eating disorder - I did that also- and then after OCD hit me I started to isolate with that too. I am starting to realize that it is good for me to be with people for many reasons. But I had to force myself to be social because i knew I needed it. Then once I am around people I laugh a lot which is good medicine. I hope you will do that Ruby. And don't ever think it is too late, it isn't. As I read your post I understand so much of what you when you wrote that even when you were sick, when you put your jeans on & they were loose and it made you feel good. I get that. But that is the illness talking and I know I felt that way because it was my measure of control and my weight and thinness was my identity. I am not saying it is the same for you, it may not be at all but I just wanted to share with you that I got better by defining my success in a new way. Instead of claiming fame by being the thin one, I worked to be the best at something else, healthier. And it worked for a number of years, until Old Man OCD had to come along. I have managed to push him back into something more like an inconvenience now but it seems I will battle something or another for the rest of my life. But it is always worth fighting for. Do fight Ruby.

    1. It's the same for me Krystal
      I do define myself by my eating disorder as sad as that is
      The thing is that I know what I need to do, I'm just so afraid to do it
      My friends are still there, they are probably waiting for me to reach out to them
      I know doing these things will be hard and uncomfortable at first but as you say I will probably end up enjoying myself despite myself

      Thank you for sharing Krystal
      I appreciate it x

  8. Oh Ruby, I'm glad you're home safe and sound. Please do take care and keep yourself well <3
    There's always hope my dear, always time for healing. All my love to you, sending you strength and hug.
    Love you xx

    1. Thank you Melrose, I'm trying

      Love to you too dear x

  9. I'm glad you're okay Ruby, it's not too late for you, don't give up!
    Alice xx

    1. Thanks Alice
      I won't give up just yet x

  10. Its never too late unless you are dead.
    It is blunt but true.
    I am sorry you had to go through all of this but everthing happens for a reason right? Recovery has been knocking at your door for awhile now, you didn't answer the door so it seems it broke in. I remember you wrote about your addiction and said you told yourself you would try recovery for 6 months. Just think 6 months from now what your life could be like. Its up to you; all the hard work is stuff only you can do, and it will suck, but it will be so worth it because you are worth it.

    Are youb ready for the desire chip? Because I would love to give you it. (I am guesing AA does that by
    you too otherwise that will make no sense.)

    1. I've never heard of the desire chip, what is it?
      Maybe AA do have it, I went more to NA
      Is it like those 90 days and 1 year chips?
      I've seen those

      Yes, it does seem recovery has broken in
      It's about time I do something
      I'm working hard not to purge so that's a start of sorts

      Thanks Josie for your coninued support x

    2. A desire chip is earned when you desire to change. It would hopefully lead to a 24 hour chip and so on,however, even if it doesn't it reminds you that you do have the desire.
      Since I couldn't paste a pic here in comments check my blog I made a post for you.

    3. Thank you so much Josie
      I'm going to check it out right now x

  11. im glad you arent in as much pain anymore and are out of hospital. good luck starting to be healthier. you deserve it, dear. it isnt too late.

    stay lovely. <3

  12. Holy crap Ruby, I hope you're okay.
    This sounds horrible and I can't imagine going through this. I'm proud you managed :/
    Are you going to try treatment again? If purging is going to make your condition worse then you have to find a way to stop it. And it won't happen on your own.
    I hope you feel better!

    1. I'm seriously considering treatment again Emily
      The last week has highlighted a light for me
      My health is not great
      My relationships are suffering
      I'm still not able to stop purging despite the pancreatitis
      I have to do something x

  13. Wow. Amazing story. You have been through so much trauma! I can't believe you look at yourself and think you are fat. It's amazing what lies the brain can tell us. My brain sometimes tells me I am the next Jesus Christ and I need to kill myself to create world peace. Sometimes it asks me to kill other people. The brain is such a fragile being. Care for it, love it and please take care of yourself. You are too precious.

    1. Sometimes I feel like I'm living a movie Vanessa
      There's constant drama in my life
      Yes I do believe I am fat
      Or at least not thin
      Part of me knows that's ridiculous but the other part truly believes it

      Take care of you too x

  14. Scary stuff! I'm glad you're doing better now, but do take care. I know it's really hard to stop behaviors even when they lead to such scary and life-threatening consequences, but it's so so important. I hope you (and Mary) are able to start working through this and get you going on the road to recovery. It's not too late, you can do it!

    1. I hope so Alie

      Hope you're doing ok x

  15. Be careful darling, you're right that it's anorexia and bulimia that did this to you, nothing else. I think it's actually quite normal not to fear dying but you know, you shouldn't search it either. Scary, but I'm glad you're ok and back here. Please get the purging under control because you're too amazing to be lost to something like this.

    1. I'm really trying Tatyana
      When I see Mary next week we will have to put a plan in to place x

  16. Oh fuck. Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh FUCK. I'm so glad you're atill alive. I guess the Moa-sized ED Chickens are coming home to roost now :( There is no such thing as getting away with this. Denial is Ed's way of making you complicit in your own murder.

    I don't want to lose you too. Minaralou went missing a few years back and I've resigned myself to the fact that my lovely friend most likely died with her face in a toilet full of her own puke. I really, really don't want you to die like that either.

    In a decade tops your parents will be gone, but I'll probably still be here to talk to. (Oh holy fuck don't ask me to think that far ahead please. I hate thinking more than a month ahead, it is unpleasantly like torture)

    Lol, you fat? Anorexia and Bulimia have fucked your eye/brain/reality connections there, love. You look like hell. A lot more alive than I expected, but you still look like you've been dragged through Namibia backwards.

    You CAN turn this around. Fight for YOURSELF. Please. You're worth more than a death of eroded insides or aspirated vomit.

    Love you so so so much. I'm sorry if this sounded all nasty, but I love you and I don't like to lie to people. (The more I like people the more honest I am with them) Fuuuuuuuuuuck I want to hug you right now. You are MORE than the labels of a sick person.

    *Hugs you so tightly your ribs crack*

    1. I appreciate your honesty Peri, I really do
      I need to hear the truth and most people are afraid to tell me straight
      I just wish I cared more about my health
      I'm complacent and indifferent and I don't know why
      I'm worried that I'm not worried if that makes sense

      Thank you so much for your continued support
      You have been an angel, truly you have

      All my love to you dearest x

  17. Sounds so awful! Hope you're feeling better now. Take care of yourself beautiful xxx


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