Thursday, 25 April 2013

Galway

I'm heading away today for a few days so I might not get to post until Sunday or Monday
A huge part of me doesn't want to go at all
Bulimia wants me to stay at home and take full advantage of having the house to myself
She wants me to stock up on all my favourite binge foods and binge and purge until I collapse
She wants me to stay in my pyjamas all day and watch tv
She wants me to isolate and avoid people like the plague
But I'm making myself go
After all it's not all about me, it's my brothers book launch
It's a huge deal for him and I want to be there
He and his girlfriend have been a massive support to me over the years, so it's only right to support him back

It's incredibly difficult dealing with an eating disorder is someone else's house
I find it really stressful not knowing when we are going to eat and where
It's like all the control has been taken away from me
So my plan is to eat along with everyone else and purge
I'll do this by eating smaller portions and eating regularly so I don't get the urge to binge
I'm already having separation anxiety at the thought of not being able to weigh myself every morning
I did consider bringing my scale but that would be weird
I know there is a scale in my brother's kitchen but the number would mean nothing
My weight was down again this morning
I've started to keep a record of it and it's slowly but surely decreasing
It does worry me a little
I'm sure my family will notice that I've lost
They'll hug me with pity in their eyes
God, I hate that look
That look that says 'Oh you poor thing'
I hate that look

I'm quite anxious about the next few days but these are the kind of things I need to do in order to get well
To do the opposite of what my eating disorder wants
I won't let anorexia and bulimia win this weekend
They will be angry but they will just have to suck it up
I'm also slightly dreading the whole social thing
I spend so much time on my own that now I'm a bit socially handicapped
And having to make polite conversation and eat at the same time is just too much
I didn't see Mary this week so I really missed
She is a tower of strength for me and she knows just what to say to help me
But I will go today
I will make an effort to be a sane person
I'll try to be normal
I'll try to be stable
I'll do my best no to let my ED ruin this weekend for me
I did think about leaving her at home as she is an unwelcome guest
But of course it's not that simple
I may try to leave her at home but no doubt she will stow away in the bottom of my bag and make an appearance
There is no getting away from her

Please think of me this weekend and wish me luck

All my love,

Ruby x

16 comments:

  1. Sure thing I'll be thinking of you, darling!
    Take care and just try to be your wonderful self these couple of days and maybe you'll even enjoy yourself a bit as well..

    Much love to you, Ruby!
    Lu.

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  2. Thank you sweetheart, I will definitely try to enjoy myself

    Love to you too x

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  3. Don't over think it. Just go and allow yourself to experience enjoyment at being with family. It always makes things worse when we fixate on our problems and assume people are judging and watching. Go, smile, laugh, support your brother, and please try not to purge. Small meals are good for the metabolism and the body. :) you can do this. I have faith. ENJOY yourself and try yo not let your mind get in the way. You haven't lost co from of anything dear. You're going on a visit. Nothing to worry about. Just keep saying that when you get stressed.

    Big hubs"

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  4. i think its great that you are doing this for your brother! sry for not having emailed, hun, was bit busy! try to focus on something else, as the ED always takes up any space you are willing to give it, ok?

    xxxx

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  5. Take care of yourself is weekend, ok hun? Just try to enjoy being with family and focus on that. We'll be here when you get back. :)

    <3

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  6. Stay strong, family gatherings/social outings are a great way to challenge yourself, and prove you're stronger than your ED. I know it's scary but it's the only way to win. Your family's happiness is more important than your ED's happiness. I will be thinking of you and sending love and light your way.

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  7. Ok, so take the second part of what you said "I'm not going to let bulimia beat me this weekend" and strike out the thought of eating small and purging. Because that's letting bulimia beat you. Try not to premeditate it. Also, do you really want a possible repeat of Christmas dinner? You want to continue seeing Mary, you want to make your family not give you that look. I think you can do it, just try to enjoy the time. <3

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  8. Good luck dearest. Try to enjoy the weekend at the time with your family. I knows it's impossible to leave ED at home, and still hard to take it with you, but you can at least try to dim your focus on it for a while. Engage in the book launch, as scary as the social side will be.
    Also, seconding what PrettyLies said about not letting bulimia beat you VS eating small and purging. Maybe try to eat small as to not overwhelm yourself, but don't restrict yourself, and please don't plan to purge. That is letting bulimia beat you.

    Love to you pieces hun. You'll be in my thoughts.
    xx

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  9. i think this is a great opprotunity to escape your ED. perhaps you can get caught up in some fun and forget it is there for a while.

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  10. I shall be thinking of you and praying for you this weekend and I wish you all the luck you want. You are showing so much bravery and courage by doing the exact opposite of what your ED wants you to do and I think that is just amazing. I can relate to how hard it will be socially, because I can barely leave the house at the moment, let alone hold a conversation over a meal, so I think that you are amazing! The more you fight ED, the more power you will have over it and the more you will win. Try not to purge, it's just letting bulimia win and making you more and more ill. You can do this, you're so strong and inspirational! Enjoy a break from your ED! Be free!
    In my thoughts,
    love
    xx

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  11. Book launch? Book. . . launch. OMFG BOOK LAUNCH!!1!!1!

    :D :D :D :D :D :D

    SOOOOOOOOOOO EXCITED FOR ALL OF YOU!

    Fuck NO do NOT led Ed fuck this up for you! GO TO THE FUCKING BOOK LAUNCH!

    What is the book? Where can I get it? *Shakes you* TELL MEEEEE!

    I wish it was as easy as leaving the disorders at home, but they're like fucking stones in your shoe. You just can't get rid of the fuckers.

    Making yourself do life-things is nails in the brainspaz's coffin. Remember that.

    Will be sending you love and luck-wishes from work. School holidays are go and value ham is $9/kg. It's gonna be HELL! Can I come with you guys instead? 0.0 *Puppydog eyes*

    Luffles you to bits, Ruby <3

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  12. I hope it hoes well! I believe in you. You're amazing. Xx

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  13. good luck ruby! I know exactly how you feel when it comes to eating socially. I hate when people ask if I want to go for lunch because I dread having to eat something that I didn't prepare with a specific calorie count. I hate when people eye my food because I know theyre thinking "thats ALL she's going to eat?" Just too much unwanted attention on food when Id rather just eat my meal in piece. Anyway, I think its really awesome that your letting your love and support for your brother beat out your ED. I really hope you're able to enjoy yourself x

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  14. When it comes to being social my biggest tip is to fake it. Play pretend and it will all be easier. Its a role just like in dance.

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  15. Good luck! At least it's just for a couple days. It might seem like a long time while you're there but when it's over it'll seem over quickly.

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Thank you for leaving some love x