Tuesday, 23 April 2013

The full feeling

My father saw an article in the paper about a 19 year old girl who died from anorexia/bulimia
She was purging so much that she dropped dead while watching tv
Her heart just stopped
Only 19 years old
The article didn't give much information but it did say that she had been struggling with her eating disorder since she was 13
I think my father got a bit of a shock as he has been on my case ever since
Asking me to get my electrolytes checked
To start eating regularly
I have had hospital admissions in the past due to electrolyte imbalance
It's so dangerous
So today he took it upon himself to make me dinner
A smaller portion of what he had
A lamb chop, mushrooms and potato
He asked me to sit at the table and eat with him
I never do this
I usually eat on my own and prefer it that way
But just to appease him I did eat at the table
Then he asked me to stay for a while after eating
In otherwords 'Please don't go and throw your guts up Ruby'
I agreed and to take my mind off the food in my stomach I am writing this post

I swear I don't know how people do this every day
3 times a day
How can they tolerate this horrible full feeling
I know I can't
It's feels so abnormal
So foreign
So wrong
What is wrong with me that I can't even deal with this
I know that my stomach has probably shrunk so it's bound to feel uncomfortable
It's not even the fear of weight gain
Realistically I know that one meal will not make me gain 10 pounds
It's just the full feeling that I hate
I've never been worried about calories
It's the volume of food that's my problem
I would much rather eat a chocolate bar than eat a plate of vegetables
Because I can't feel the chocolate
But the veg would make me feel full
I know that if I want to get well, this is the kind of thing I need to get used to
And it will prevent binging which in return will lessen the purging
But why is it so freakin' hard

My father commented on my weight to
Said I looked thinner
I have mixed feelings about that
The ED part of my brain is congratulating me
But the part that wants to recover is disappointed
I think I am now at the BMI where Mary has to stop seeing me
But I'm not seeing her until next week so I have a week to gain a little

My brother is a writer and his new book lunch is this weekend in Galway
Cue 4 days of family lunches and dinners
I want to go but I am slightly dreading it
People are going to see that I've lost weight and look at me with pity in their eyes
I hate that look
They will tell me to take care of myself
But it's futile to say that in the face of this illness
It just doesn't work

To be honest that article scared me a bit too
When it comes to my ED I always think 'Oh that will never happen to me'
But it could
It could so easily happen to me
To any one of us
I don't why but death doesn't always scare me
Life scares me more
But it's not just about me
I have a family who would be heartbroken anything happened to me
How do you come back from something like that?

Apologies for this disjointed post but I have to something to take my mind off this feeling in my stomach
I haven't had food in my stomach for this long in a long time
I don't think it quite knows what to do with it

Any advice on how to deal with the full feeling greatly appreciated


  1. Ruby, darling,

    take a deep breath now, okay? I know your stomach feels awkwardly uncomfortable at the moment, but the sensation will go away as soon as your body starts digesting the food. Keep yourself occupied until then, and now, it won't make you gain-- and even if the scale shows something different than what I say, take it as a good thing. You'll need to gain a couple pounds so you can keep seeing Mary. Do it for her, alright? Keep her in mind, she's been of so much help, you need to do everything it takes to keep seeing her. Right now, you are one full stomach closer to keeping Mary in your life.

    Much love to you, baby.
    Stay strong, you're amazing.

    You're a fighter, remember?

  2. Feeling full. See, with me, I was always trapped in a constant cycle of starving and binging, so I understand the thing with being TOO full, like, can't move, look like you're pregnant full. But a meal of lamb, mushrooms, and a potato is not going to make you that way. That actually has more nutrition than a lot of things. If you can still see Mary, is she able to do a dietary analysis? Not just the amount of what you're eating, but the nutrients you're body needs- I bet you're lacking in a lot of things. What your dad did is great, whether you think so or not. What you did for him by staying and eating with him, it probably meant a lot to him. Try to do this more. Make eating a comfortable, pleasant situation rather than holing up in a corner scarfing it down to only have it come back up. I think that's what makes us hate food, is the way we look at it and how we eat it is terrible. Maybe work on making food more presentable- presentation/arrangement on a plate, even the plates and utensils you eat with have a certain feel and psychology to them. Blue plates, I hear, are good to eat with, rather than boring white round ones.

    I care about you hon, I know you don't want to stop seeing Mary. Work with these family dinners coming up. Talk about music, or how the weather is getting warmer, or you're brother's book. Make it comfortable, I think you'll be able to eat and keep it down better. Be mindful of not just the fact that it's food, but how it tastes, how it looks, how it was prepared. Good luck lovely

  3. I deal with it by telling myself it's fuel. I tell myself it's not uncomfortable, it's just the same as drinking a lot of water or something. That's why breakfast makes me upset at times. Fullness. Not really fullness though. The fear is the feeling of satiety. You don't need. You don't need to be better. A feeling of satiety says "I'm okay. This is enough." If you're hungry you're still working for something. Taking away hunger takes away the space for raw emotion to hide in. I say, "Willow, you're going to the gym in a couple hours. Your muscles will further use the food for muscular and skeletal food. You'll be working on your paper soon and that's fuel. Take a deep breath."
    Doesn't sound promising, I'm sure, but I find it very hard to understand true hunger and true need. I don't have a good listening ear for my body. Separate your mind for a minute and observe. Tell yourself it's fuel and you won't need more until your body uses that up.

    Try to keep a good attitude girl. It's not a magic formula but it's okay to get nutrients now and then.

  4. I have huge issues with feeling full too. One of my biggest barriers is portion size because my stomach simply can't handle that much, and it makes it hard to get more calories in. Try to remember what positive things this meal is doing for you; whether its nutrients and nourishing your body, or bringing you one step closer to keeping Mary. I think sitting with your father during and after meals is a great tactic. It might be uncomfortable, but it's a caring and helpful thing for him to ask.

    I know what you mean about death not being scary. I've never really thought "that'll never happen to me". I know it can, and it nearly has several times. My mum says she's thankful to see me each morning because we both know its possible for me to die at any minute. But it doesn't scare me away from my ED. It's a hard thing to come back from; to learn to cherish and love life, to be thankful for every breath. But it is possible dear, and you can do it.

    Lots of love dearest *hugs* xx

  5. I totally understand where you're coming from about the feeling too full issue. I'm the same way..meals with less calories are sometimes so filling that I get more bloated than with little snacks with more calories.

    I think what's amazing is that your dad actually cares enough to cook you food and watch to make sure that you get it down. My family are so clueless about my disorder that it would never occur to them that I had a serious problem worthy of monitoring or attention. Even at my lowest and most obviously disordered weight, no one bothered to take me aside and ask if I was alright. I know how horrible it might feel to have someone lurking over your shoulder and keeping tabs on you weight, but at least you know you've got a support system!

  6. We all tell ourselves it won't happen to us but sometimes-- it does. The fact that death and consiquences do note scare us means we are not in the right place.

  7. I wish I had something comforting to say, but it's just never easy. Hang in there sweetie.



  8. I know how you feel. The full feeling is what drives so many to purge. It's just so anxiety-ridden and it doesn't go away for a looong time.
    The only thing to do is distract yourself. Tell yourself over and over that you are still thin and the feeling will go away. Play an instrument. Go for a walk with a friend. Talk to someone. It's not easy, but it can be done.


Thank you for leaving some love x