Monday, 13 May 2013

Have you?

Have you ever woken up out of a dream only to be disappointed that you're still here?

Have you ever looked out your window at people and wished that you had one of their lives?

Have you ever almost had a nervous breakdown because you gained 2 pounds?

Have you ever gone so long without washing that your hair sticks to your head with grease and there is dirt caked underneath your finger nails?

Have you ever walked along a cliff and had to physically stop yourself from jumping off?

Have you ever caught someone looking at you and the look on their face says 'That girl is crazy'?

Have you ever eaten out of a bin?

Have you ever wondered if you are going insane?

Have you ever wanted to melt in to the floor because someone told you that you looked well?

Have you ever spun so out of control that you scare yourself?

Have you ever looked at your reflection in the mirror and not recognised yourself?

Have you ever spent so much time alone that you forget how to interact with others?

Have you ever thought back on an event in your life and can't worked out whether it was a dream or if it actually happened?

Have you ever looked at the clock and can't work out if it's 4pm or 4am?

Have you ever realise that you can't remember that last time that you laughed?

Have you ever felt so fucked up that you think all hope is lost?

Have you ever wished that you were seriously ill so at least you'd have a reason to feel so bad?

Have you ever sat in front of a therapist and thought 'You have absolutely no idea what I'm going through?

Have you ever listened to a song on repeat and cried every time?

Have you ever felt so alone in a room full of people?

Have you ever wished that someone would notice you, even just for a second?

Have you ever walked out a shop with a bag full of food without paying and half hoped that you would get caught?

Have you ever felt so cold that it gets in to your bones?

Have you ever felt like you can't connect with yourself never mind others?

Have you ever cut your own skin, just to see if you still feel?

Have you ever felt so angry and frustrated that you're still here?

Have you ever blinked and years have gone by?

Have you ever felt that your life is like a broken jigsaw and you can't for the life of you put the pieces back together?

Have you ever felt like you were destined for great things but you're too afraid to find out what they are?

Have you ever measured your self worth by the numbers on a scale, the smaller the number the better you feel?

Have you ever wondered what is the point?

Have you ever wished that no one cared so it would be easier to disappear?

Have you ever fantasized about the needle that you used to inject in to your neck?

Have you ever realised that the one thing you want is the one thing you can't have?

Have realised that you are hanging on for other people?

I have.....


  1. I've had most of these be true. I understand. I'm so sorry you feel that way, but I think a lot of us do too. You're not alone. Somewhere, somehow, it has to get better. Something has to change. Stay strong. Xx

  2. Please do see a psychiatrist, asap. They need to chnage your medication to help you tp help yourself. even I am considering to get back on meds and you know i fear them soooo much. please, see a doctor, Rubs, soon. mary is not enough.

    1. I agree with Loulou. Right now your mind is not producing the right balance of chemicals and it can't right now. No diabetic wants to take insulin but if your body doesn't make it you need to give it to your body.
      Why continue to feel like this? Now to be honest I don't know what you have tried in the past but I really think you need an antidepressant. Tell the dr you want one with no side effects to wt and that would be effected if you take on an empty stomach. I take prozac here in the US it is approved to treat bulimia and depression but there are a lot of things out there and some might not do much but you don't know until you try.
      Beacaue YES I have felt that way, and I don't want you to feel that way.

    2. I don't like sending people over to medications-- though I take them myself or because I take them and wish I did not. They do help me, these thoughts you mention do not overwhelm me. Think about it.

  3. I think a lot of people have had these thoughts for a variety of reasons. A lot of us still struggle. I've tried killing myself twice in the past ten years. There was a time I struggled with being alive.

    I still struggle with living. It is the cause of many of my excesses. I know I most take my anti-depressants. To stray causes terrible results. I don't know if things will get better. I try to make the most of the days I still have. Still, I spend too much time in bed but there are moments I enjoy. There are people that make me happy.

    Keep moving forward. There will come a day when these feeling aren't so oppressive. You will come to realize that they aren't heavy on your mind. You just need to focus on other things.

  4. I've experienced some of these. Is there ever a time when you're not experiencing these feelings? Is there a way to get away from them?
    I hope there is and that you can find it, Ruby. I don't want to see you hurt.

  5. Honestly, I would have to answer yes to almost all of these questions too.

    I'm so sorry to read what you're going through Ruby, I hate to think of you hurting so much. Hang on in there and stay strong. You can do this!

    Much love xxx

  6. yes to so many of these. Sorry to hear you are struggling Ruby, hope things start looking up soon!

  7. I've felt a lot of those things but I wont go into detail here because this is about you. I'm sorry that you're struggling with all of this right now, and I hope you can stay strong and keep going.

    We're all a little damaged, a little envious, a little helpless. It's a scary feeling sometimes, but it goes away. It gets better. Hopefully it will get better for you.

    P.s. That John Green quote is one of my all-time faves. Ignore the first seven words and focus on the last three :-)

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  9. All of the above.

    Got no words, only hugs. Love you so much Ruby.



Thank you for leaving some love x