Tuesday, 21 May 2013

In your dreams

I love sleeping
It's the only time my head is at peace
The voices are gone
The arguments cease
The constant tug of war is silent
I can slip away in to another time, another place
My dreams
I love dreaming too
It's like being in a movie
Anything could happen
Everything is possible
There are no limits
No boundaries
Imagination takes over and the lines between fantasy and reality are blurred

I remember when I was using I had the most intense dreams
They were so real that sometimes when I think back on that time I can't work out if an event really happened or if I dreamt it
I get plagued by night terrors from time to time
The first time I experienced them I was just home from a alcohol fuelled holiday in Spain
That night I went to sleep and had the most freakiest dreams
Nightmares that seemed so real
I remember trying to wake myself up but I felt like I was underwater and couldn't find my way to the surface
My mother heard me screaming and came in to wake me
I was so afraid that I actually slept beside my mother so she could wake me up if it happened again
I'm sure it was partly due to the amount of alcohol I drank and then the shock of having none at all
It has happened a few times since but never as bad as that night

I also have a recurring dream about once or twice a week
The dream can be different but my ex-boyfriend is always in it
There are always drugs in the dream and he always has them
In the dream I don't want to be around my ex but I want the drugs
Very rarely do I actually use drugs in my dreams but a lot of the time I'm trying to get them or someone else has them
I'm always so relieved when I wake up from the dream
Relieved that I am not back in my old life
I'm not quite sure why I dream about my ex so much
I have no feeling for him
I have no desire to see him or speak to him
He rarely pops in to my mind and yet he makes appearance after appearance in my dreams

I started going out with this boy when I was 16
I was in the local swimming club and he was a lifeguard
He had a reputation of being a drug user
That made him even more attractive to me
We started going out and from the get go drugs were involved
He was the one that introduced me to heroin
As we became addicted we became less like a couple and more like partners in crime
It was all about the drugs
I probably would've left long ago if I wasn't so dependant on him
It really was a sick relationship
I couldn't stand being around him of I was sober
I suppose at one point I did love him
Or thought I loved him
But over time the relationship fizzled out
And when I moved away and got clean I left him and  my old life behind
I know that he is now also on a methadone programme
Apart from that I know little else how he is doing

So I don't know why I have this dream over and over again
Maybe I feel that I have unfinished business with him
Maybe on some level I miss those days
Maybe it means something else

I do believe that our dreams mean something
Whether we know what that meaning is or not

Do you believe that our dreams have a meaning?
Do you have a recurring dream?

9 comments:

  1. hey hun, i replied to your fab comment on my blog! i just have to catch up with yours now!

    Ok, dreams... sometimes i use them as an inspiration for writing. sometimes i wonder what my subconciousness is trying to tell me. my first love has been appearing in my dream around twice every week for the past couple of years and i know what that means. But as long as I am not in his i will not bother! ;-)

    xxx

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  2. Most of the time I do not even know if I dream. I hate it makes me feel empty and a waste, but then there are times that I will dream something or even day dream about and it really happens and almost like my dream it creeps me out a little.

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  3. I also suffer pretty nasty night terrors. I never remember them. Just the fear. I remember the fear and I wake up with the fear, and it sits with me all day. I wake up screaming more frequently than most adults should. I have had these since I was a little girl, and they have not gone away. My dreams themselves are also usually bad. I always dream about my friends and family being mean to me. I do believe dreams mean something about what's in our head. I dream about my ex too, one in particular, and I feel nothing for him anymore, but he was a huge cornerstone of my life. I become progressively more out of control after that relationship. Maybe he signifies my emergence out of innocence. Maybe your ex represents where things got worse for you, and even if you don't care about him, you are still sad about the direction your life took when you met him. Or maybe your subconscious misses that lifestyle, that way out. Our brains are funny, funny places. I try not to get too caught up in them because we can never really understand why or where these thoughts came from. Your waking thoughts are far more precious, especially as you make them healthier and healthier.

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  4. The first thing I thought of when I read the first few lines of this post, was the Ernest Hemingway quote "I love my sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?"

    Fuck guys who get their girlfriends hooked on drugs. It does make for a totally messy relationship. My relationship with my ex-boyfriend was based on weed, and it was terrible. I'm still trying to beat that addiction, but I'm getting there.

    I have horrible night terrors. I usually can't remember much of them at all, but sometimes I know they're PTSD related. It's not strange for me scream or flail around in my sleep if I'm having a night terror, and after I wake up. I don't really have recurring dreams anymore, though I used to when I was younger. Since I've started seroquel I've been dreaming a lot more, but I struggle to remember them.

    I think our dreams have meaning. My mum says our dreams help us sort out the messes in our heads. The meaning is rarely black-and-white, but it's definetely there.

    Love you dear Ruby *hugs* xx

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  5. I think dreams mean whatever we think they mean. It's about the feeling they give.
    It seems like some part of you wants the drugs back, but you never take them, so you also know you can't have them. Maybe the ex is connected with the drugs and that's why he's there? Or whatever reason you think.
    I love dreaming as well. I don't really have recurring dreams but I have favorites. My favorite is one where I was on a spaceship trying to save the golden whales of outer space from Willy Wonka. In my dream we succeeded.

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  6. I do believe a persons dreams represents some thoughts or concepts that need to be dealt with but sometimes a dream is just your mind cleanning up the clutter. I have a "control issuse" shocking I know. My recurring dreams are all about lack of control. Infact the only dreams I normally remember for more than a few hours are about lack of control. In one I am bouncing somewhere outside, last time my parents driveway, and I can't stop bouncing. I try but I can't stop no matter how hard I try. The other is me in a car sometimes with other people sometimes alone. I am suppose to have control of the car but something is wrong. One time I was in the backseat, one time there were no lights and I was in complete darkness, and sometimes I am going up a hill and the car just keeps flipping. The flipping car is the worst because I live in an area with a lot of hills and I refuse to take certain roads ever and some I have to feel brave to take. When I have a dream like that I know I have to look at why I am feeling out of control in life.
    I don't know about you but I see my life in chapters kind of as if my life was a novel. Maybe you dream about the past because at 16 you started a new chapter and you are feeling out of sorts knowing its time to start a new chapter in your life now?

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  7. I'm so happy that you can find solace in your sleep. I feel like I have no escape - even in my sleep the voice is there and night terrors plague me if I do manage to get some shut-eye. That worst night terror that you mentioned sounds terrifying too.

    If it's not a nightmare, then it is a freakish dream which has no meaning to me, but often involves people I know or am acquainted with. I have recurring dreams/night terrors too. I wonder what your recurring dream symbolises? Maybe it is your subconscious trying to let you know that it was this boy who led you down this route of using, and now it is your turn to take control of your life and go forward in the direction you want to go, without anyone else dragging you down? I'm sure dreams have meanings, and nightmares most definitely have meanings. Some people keep dream diaries and get them analysed, but I'm not sure about it.

    Another really interesting post Ruby...lots of food for thought, no pun intended! Lots of love xxx

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  8. I have an awful reoccurring dream where my teeth fall out. Not the same dream multiple times, but different dreams at least 3x a year where my teeth fall out and it feels so real. I cry in my dreams realizing how ugly I will look without my teeth and how gaping the holes in my mouth are. And how awful it feels in those dreams to be spitting out a handful of teeth. It scares me every time. I was told dreams like that reflect a big life change about to occur or insecurity. Shocker.

    Xoxo,
    Strength

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  9. I hate when i can't tell the difference between dreams and reality. When I get so sleep-deprived I think I'm dreaming when I'm awake or I think things I dreams actually happened.

    I hate waking up from good dreams. I'm not usually depressed in my dreams, it's so cruel to take up from it.

    I can breathe underwater in my dreams. I'm about to drown and then remember "Oh hey, that's right!" and that first big breath of water is the best thing I've ever felt. Breathing water is different to breathing air, it's heavier and takes more effort.

    Sometimes our dreams are telling us things we don't want to admit to. Our subconscious trying to force us to face the things we're running away from, coz the running away is fucking us up more than the facing them.

    Sorry, rambly today.

    Love you Ruby <3

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Thank you for leaving some love x