Monday, 20 May 2013

Little white lies

 I was inspired to write this post after reading a post Emily wrote over at Bulimia Girl
Her post was about the lies she tells to herself and others
So I decided to write about my own little white lies



Lying became a sort of career for me when I was addicted to drugs
I believed my own lies
With my ED lying and denial are part and parcel of the illness
Anorexia thrives on secrets and lies
I think a huge part of recovery is learning to be honest with ourselves and others
And that's really difficult
I've told some pretty huge lies in the past
Most of the time I told them for attention or because I was too ashamed to tell the truth
Sometimes lies are necessary though  but as long as it doesn't hurt anyone that's ok

At the moment I'm trying to be as  honest as I can with Mary
I'm seeing her for over a year now and it's only recently that I've started to really open up
It takes me a while to build trust with someone and I do completely trust Mary now
Guilt and shame are a big part of my ED
And these emotions fuel the lies I tell
I'm supposed to keep food records for Mary but I rarely complete them honestly
Even though I know she is pretty unshockable, I still feel incredibly embarrassed about my food and eating habits
I speak very openly with Mary now
Bit by bit I peel back the layers and let her in to my life
And it does pay off

So here are some of the lies I tell on a regular basis

'No, I'm not hungry at all'
She says even though she would eat her own toe nail clippings if the were seasoned

'No, I didn't take all my meds'
She says as drool dribbles down her chin

'No, I didn't eat my nephews Easter eggs'
In reality I ate them all
All four of them

'I'm fine'
Fucked up
Insecure
Neurotic
Emotional

'No, I didn't break the laptop'
When  really I spilled a cup of tea on it after falling asleep because I took too many tablets

'Yes, I did pay for these goods'

'No thanks, I don't want any pizza'
Yes I do
I really  do
I really, really do!

'No, I didn't burn that hole on the carpet'
I actually feel asleep with a smoke in my hand

'No, that wasn't me getting sick in the bathroom

To pharmacist: 'No, these enemas aren't for me, they're for my mother, yes she does know not to use them too often

'No I didn't get up in the middle of the night and eat all the biscuits'




'No, I don't think  that I'll ever use drugs again'

'No, I don't miss using'

'No, I'm not dizzy'
She says as she grabs the wall

Doctor: How often do you purge?
Me: Oh me? Just a couple of times a day, cough cough
More like a couple of times an hour

'Yes, I did eat breakfast'
Do biscuits count?

'Yes, I do intend on eating dinner'
I just don't intend on keeping it down

Someone: You look well Ruby
Me: Oh, thank you
In my head: Hate you, hate you, hate you, hate you.........

'Yes, I'm ready to come off the methadone'
Just not this week

'No, I didn't break the toilet'
That toilet is working overtime

'I have no idea why I'm losing weight'

'No, I don't weigh myself everyday'
Eh, yes I do, more like 5 times a day and keep a record of the number

'Yes, I do care about my health problems'

'Yes, I do intend on quitting smoking and no I'm not worried if I do I'll gain weight'
She says as she lights a smoke

'Yes, I do realise that I'm underweight'
In my head: I'm a big fat piggy

What lies do you tell, about your ED or anything else?

18 comments:

  1. I think my most frequent lies at the moment include lying about when I have appointments so I can avoid doing things I dont want to do, lying that I'm fine (jacki used to tell me that fine meant fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional as well!!), lying that I have no intent on hurting myself,lying that i'm not currently thinking about overdosing, lying to my housemate about where i am so i dont have to talk to her.

    this was a really interesting post to which i could relate a lot xxxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm glad you can relate Milly
      I'm glad I'm not the only one x

      Delete
  2. Lying is something that doesn't feel like it comes naturally to me sometimes. I have a very guilty conscience and it's even over intent, not always actions. There are very few things I don't admit to either. I'm actually known for being bluntly honest, the friend you can trust to say you look fat in something, the one you can get honest perspective from.
    I think I lie to myself most though.

    1. No I didn't cheat on you.
    I did, I hate myself, I'm a whore because it keeps happening etc
    2.Of course I didn't eat the frosting off that piece of cake!
    I always joke about this one. I've always loved frosting and it's almost like a joke because of course I did. :)
    3. The bus was running late
    I snoozed my alarm three times
    4. I have enough money.
    I don't want you (mom or dad) to have to sacrifice more for me
    5.I didn't talk to my friend about your addiction!
    I did. My best friend said she wouldn't tell and I was upset.
    6.I'm fat/ugly/selfish.
    I still believe it.
    7. I have to run errands/cook/laundry/whatever.
    For once, I don't feel social.

    Just a few. I don't even like white lies and I pray things don't come up that's how much I hate lying. Good post. I'm blown away by even some of the things I lie about. Interesting what we find we need to hide. <3

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I think it's a self protection thing
      A fear that people will judge us if they know the truth
      I'm trying to be more honest and open though x

      Delete
  3. You are so brave to write this post! I really admire you and your courage and strength.

    Before anyone knew about my ED, I didn't really lie so much, I was just really deceptive. For example, at breakfast, I would leave out a bowl, sprinkle in a few cereal crumbs and a tiny splash of milk to make it look as though I had eaten cereal. Or put some bread crumbs on a plate, smear some butter on a knife and some traces of jam on a spoon to make it look as though I had eaten bread, butter and jam. Food would be hidden anywhere and everywhere, and I was always on tenterhooks incase I was found out.

    Now that my ED is out in the open and now that I am living with a different family member, I feel I don't have to do this any more. However, I do have one big ED-related lie in my life at the moment. I'm wondering how long it can go on for, and I'm actually pretty scared.

    Do you ever find that people/medical professionals are untrusting of you because of the stereotype that all people with EDs are deceptive and liars? I really struggle with this, because I actually never ever lie (apart from the one at the moment which is killing me) so it really hurts my feelings to think that no-one trusts me, and I have to work damn hard to gain anyone's trust.

    I'm so glad that you have this trust-relationship with Mary. I'm so proud of you for being able to open up more because I know how hard it can be. It will help you in the long-run, to be able to purge these things which you have kept bottled inside you.

    Keep fighting lovely! Much love
    XXX

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, I do find that doctors can be untrusting
      And me having been a drug user doesn't help my case
      I do try to disprove the theory that all addicts and people with EDs lie
      I try to be as honest as I can

      Thank you for your kind words
      You are a star x

      Delete
  4. It is courageous to outline your lies, we all lie about these things but I hate acknowledging it. I lied so much and so frequently when I was using, that when I came off drugs, I swore I'd never tell another lie. Another non-food related lie. Anything related to my ED I've justified, and I've continued those lies for years...many of the exact same ones you wrote. I lie about what I ate, what I will eat, how much I weigh. I think that's the beauty of having this blogging community...it's the only place where we can be honest about these thoughts and feelings. And hopefully, as you are more comfortable being honest here, you can slowly work on being honest in the real world. Think about it...if you had to be honest about all your unhealthy behaviors to the people around you, would it encourage you to do those things less?
    Stay strong, you are truly a gem <3

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I think this blog is the only place where I am truly honest
      It's an amazing feeling to be able to tell the truth without fear of judgement or rejection x

      Delete
  5. I agree it is very brave of you to write this post. I hate it that I lie so much because of my OCD. Generally I am a very responsible and honest person so it makes me feel awful about myself to lie. My reasons are the same as many of yours. I do it to hide my OCD out of guilt, shame and extreme embarrassment. I have lied to friends that I have a bladder infection..to explain a lengthy bathroom visit where in reality I am washing my hands. I have lied in a public restroom that I got gas on my arms..to explain why I am rinsing my arms to the elbows. I lie as to why I cannot go somewhere or do something socially if the reason is due to anxiety or OCD. It kind of ticks me off because if I had cancer I wouldn't be lying but I don't want to get the stare that I am a "weirdo" by telling people I have OCD.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Yes, Krystal I also lie to protect my illness
      I'm just afraid that people will think I'm crazy if I tell them the truth
      That's why it's so important to have people to talk to who are in the same boat x

      Delete
  6. As others have said, it was very brave of you to write this post. Is it the first time you've sat down and made a list like this? I think it could be a good idea to share it with Mary at some point; it might be a helpful tool in your recovery.

    I lie a lot about how I'm feeling physically. If I feel dizzy or lightheaded, I lie to my family about it, and try to get inside to bed without being seen ASAP.
    I lie to my GP about my self-harm. She'll treat what she can see, and ask if I have any more wounds, and I say no even though my arms and legs and covered in deep scratches.
    In hospital I lied about my pain levels. Not to get more painkillers, but to avoid eating. They had to be taken with food, and I wouldn't eat outside my three meals, so I sat in pain and waited for meal times even though they kept offering me snacks.

    My ED has never caused a huge amount of lies. I didn't realize it was a problem until my mum confronted me, so I didn't think I had anything to hide. Since then, it's been an open topic of discussion. If I'm not going to eat something, I don't need to hide it. My family's always had a very open approach to all mental health issues, which I think I'm very lucky with.

    Lots of love to you dear. You always get my mind ticking. *hugs* xxxx

    ReplyDelete
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    1. That's great Bella that your family is so open
      Mine is quite open too
      And that's a good thing
      I think for me there is really no need to lie as my family know the real truth anyway

      Love to you too, I'm glad I got your mind ticking x

      Delete
  7. Some of these are huge lies: the purging, the drugs...
    But at least you are honest to yourself. And you're honest with us about it, which makes me respect you even more than i already do, and it makes me think of how brave you are.
    Someday they won't be lies.
    Did Mary ever have an ED? I ask because I heard somewhere that at least a third of the therapist in the ED realm have dealt with some for of it themselves. I know it wouldn't make you less embarrassed to talk to her, but if she hasn't seen it all before with patients she might have seen it all in herself and probably would be just as embarrassed to tell you about the lows and highs of her illness.
    I wonder what the best way to get over embarrassment is. I've never really thought about it, but shame is a huge motivator for ED behavior. It would be useful to defeat it.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. They actually are big lies Emily and dangerous too to be keeping that to myself

      I honestly don't know of Mart ever had an ED
      I'm inclined to think not as she has never mentioned it
      But then again I could be wrong as she has such a great insight in to the illness

      Thanks for inspiring me to write this post x

      Delete
  8. Hello darling. I've missed you. I'm sorry I barely use blogger anymore.
    I just saw Lana Del Rey live, and I remember you posting about her song 'Ride' a while ago. And while she sung it all I could think of was you, I had to hold back tears.
    I love you so much and I miss you. I really hope you're doing well. I'm glad you're starting to find a way to be honest with Mary, I know how hard it is to be honest with therapists. Mine still believe I purge purely for stress relief and that my body image is perfect; purely because I was scared they'd weigh me if I admitted otherwise.
    You have come so far darling, whenever you feel like you're truly trapped, just remember how much you've achieved. You've beaten a heroin addiction, I mean that you are my literal hero. You have come so far, never doubt yourself and how beautiful you are both inside and out.
    I really do miss you, I'm sorry I barely blog anymore.
    Take care my darling. xxx

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  9. I do not really lie, i just don't tell. there so many things people would love to find out and read for the shock value (i.e. mum and dads death) but i keep on telling myself I am nobody's reality TV show. i guess in a weird way i have taken on too much from the behaviourists. don't talk to much about your horrors (ed, etc) otherwise they will always have too much power and never be conquered.

    xxx

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  10. It is amazing how many lies I hear from Sara, my drug addicted ex. Or should I say, how little truth I hear. When a lie can't be found, she just refuses to tell me anything. I think she does believe her own lies. She is great at trying to blame everything on others or on being fucked up at the time.

    I think the biggest lie I ell myself is, "no I won't be seeing her anymore."

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  11. "No, of course I don't feel like having you as my boyfriend is keeping me from having the real college experience and being able to hook up with random strangers."

    Not that they would even notice.

    Stay strong,
    Xoxo
    Strength

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Thank you for leaving some love x