Friday, 17 May 2013

With every grief, joy repays

I saw Mary this morning
On my way in I met a girl
I used to work for her and her husband
I haven't seen this girl in years but I've run in to her 3 times in the last 2 weeks
I don't like it when I see her
When I worked for her and her husband I was incredibly ill
I used to purge in the staff bathroom
And do totally crazy things like take 2 euros from the till
2 euros
I have no idea why
So when I see her all these memories come flooding back
The guilt is overwhelming
2 euros
This girl and her husband were incredibly kind to me over the years I worked for them
They came to see me in hospital
Invited me to their kids birthdays
So when I got as far as Mary I was a mess
The words tumbled out of me
Mary let me speak and then calmly said
Take a deep breath'
I tried to get a hold of myself

She weighed me which was unexpected as she doesn't usually weigh me twice a week
Down another half kilo from Tuesday
The days of getting a high from losing are long gone
Now I  just feel sad
She explained that I am at the BMI where she can no longer see me
That she should really refer me back to my psychiatrist
But she says she doesn't want to do that
She says she knows I can do this

She told me a story about a little girl
She spoke as if the story was about someone else but at the end she said 'I know this story is true because that little girl was me'
I won't share the story with you
I'm sure you understand why
When she finished speaking I burst in to tears
Big fat, salty, tears
She immediately apologised and said she didn't mean to upset me
But I wasn't upset about the story
It was actually a really hopeful story
I was totally disarmed that she had  shared something so personal with me
And she did because she thought it would help me

My father asked me last week if Mary ever gets frustrated with me
The short answer is no
Not once
She is passionate about her work
Determined to help
But frustrated?

I came out of the session  feeling really emotional
I think I realised for the first time that someone really believes I can get well
Sees me beyond my ED
Is bending the rules to help me
I've seen umpteen counsellors and therapists over the years
Mary is definitely the exception rather than the rule
I came out emotional but also hopeful
Mary seems so convinced that recovery is possible for me
And she is an expert in her field
She sat with me for an hour and a half this morning and gently helped me write out goals for the week
Usually I write these goals and I have no intention of meeting or even trying to meet them
But today I took some time to write ones that are realistic

Before I saw Mary today, I had been planning to buy enemas
But when I came out I found that I didn't want them anymore
I'm not saying that I've had this amazing epiphany or any thing like it
I suppose I'm feeling more open to change
More open to doing the right thing

Weight loss is not making me happy
I read a blog yesterday and the bloggers UGW is the weight I am now
She probably thinks that she would gladly change places with me
But the truth is I would give my left arm for the life she has
She has a husband
A home
A life
A purpose
Reaching her UGW is not going to make her happier
All it means is that she now takes up less space
Nothing more

I have been every weight from 77lbs to 130lbs
I can honestly say that I was the happiest when I was closer to 130lbs

Sometimes I think to myself 'I'll just have one more year of anorexia, go as low as I can go and then recover'
But the truth is that I might not have another year
I may have another round of my ED in me
But I do not have another recovery in me
I've been this way for 12 years
And recent events have proved that health problems do happen
I can't live this way and expect to get away with it
My body is hurting
Every time I stand up I have to grab the wall as I get so dizzy and my legs wobble
My energy is no existent
Everything is fuzzy
My mood is definitely effected
Everything is effected
It's killing me slowly

So I have a lot of work to do this week
Mary suggested that I get Ensures or Fortisips
I would rather not
I'll try eating more first and see how I go
I didn't buy binge food today
I'm going to try and eat 3 small meals
Also I'm going to start to improve my environment
My room for starters
I never open the curtains in my room so I'm going to now
I'm going to clean out my wardrobe
I have a shit ton of clothes
My weight changes so often that I keep clothes in every size known to woman
I need to get rid of my 'anorexic clothes'
That will be hard but it has to be done

Today I feel a sliver of hope
I feel like maybe all is not lost
That it's not too late
I'm afraid
I'm terrified that I'll fall flat on my face
But how will I know if I don't try
I want to be the Ruby I used to be
I liked her
This monster of an ED has almost crushed me
Almost broken my spirit
Almost but not quite

Today I feel grateful
For Mary and the impact that she has had on my life
Her words are ringing ears

'With every grief, joy repays'


  1. I'm so so so glad you have Mary. She sounds like how Jacki was to me, and if she is then I can understand exactly how having her support will help you cling to some hope.

    I hope you can fight it ruby, I know it might sound hypocritical since i dont want to/ cant find it in me at the moment, but i do very honestly and sincerely, in my heart, want you to escape and be happy, maybe one day become a mary to somebody else or pick up dancing again or find a career or a life that you want to embrace and live


    1. You're not a hypocrite at all sweetheart
      I know exactly what you mean
      I still believe in you and want you to get well too

      Love you x

  2. That is amazing. That is an amazing thing for Mary to do. She believes that you can recover from this ED, and so do I. I'm sure I'm only one of many.
    Cleaning out your closet and your room can only be a good thing. It's a step in the right direction. I'm so happy for you. Just hold on to this feeling. Hold on to this hope. Every time you feel yourself start to give up, or to stop trying, remind yourself of Mary's story. Remind yourself of this feeling you have. Of things you have to fight for.
    You can do it. You WILL do it. I believe in you. <3 Xx

    1. Thank you CJ for your kind words
      I'm trying to hold to this little bit of hope
      And yes, I am blessed to have Mary in my life
      Everyone should have a Mary x

  3. Mary sounds very unique. That goes back to saying what I did before, she is not extraordinary but she is making a difference in your life and that has got to be fulfilling. In turn you might carry on what you have learned from her to someone else.

    1. She definitely is unique
      I would love to go on to help others
      That would be the best job in the world x

  4. Ruby, I'm so so proud of you! I'm reading this and am filled with such hope and positivity for you, more than ever before! I'm sorry you had to go through such an emotional time, it must have been difficult, but it sounds like it has really given you something of a turning point. I really hope it is for you!

    I can totally relate to when you say: 'I'll just have one more year of anorexia, go as low as I can go and then recover' I have done this many a time. But this is your ED talking, trying to, once again, take over your life. Please fight it. Please don't get lost in anorexia again. I don't want you to get killed slowly. It's terrifying.

    If you have to choose between Fortisip or Ensure, I would go for Fortisip because the bottles are smaller with the same nutrients so they're more manageable, and don't make you feel so full. Small meals often is a really good idea though. That's what my dietitian has set up for me. It stops the binging!!

    I'm so happy for you that you've found hope! Grab hold onto it and leap! I know you're afraid. I know recovery is terrifying, but not as terrifying as the hell of anorexia. Let go of that ED monster inside you, and get ready to look forward to the joy of life that awaits you!

    Sending much love, hope and encouragement!

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words
      I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one who has these crazy thoughts

      Today was so emotional
      Mary truly inspires me to want to get well
      Now it's just to get over the weight gain hurdle

      You are doing amazing and it really encourages me to do the same

      Keep fighting,

      Lots of love to you x

  5. I know you can do this too dear. Losing Mary would be a huge knock to your support network, and there's only so much time to turn things around before she can't see you anymore.

    The changes you're making are huge, and I'm so so proud of you for them. Each time you give your body a sensible meal, and it stays in your tummy, you're one step closer. 'Regular' eating can be a funny one, with lots of twists and turns, but always keep sight of the progress.

    Ensure isn't so bad. I understand why you'd rather not, but if your weight keeps dropping, it might be an option. Vanilla Ensure is my supplement of choice, both for taste and nutritional-completeness. I buy a powder so I can mix it to any strength (1-2cal per ml). I'm sure she's just letting you know it might be an option at some point.

    You're in my thoughts dear. Keep looking up <3 xxxx

    1. So true Bella
      Losing Mary would be a disaster at this stage
      I can' let that happen

      I will consider the Ensures
      I actually find them a bit triggering as I used to take them in hospital but never really took them properly

      Thank for your support

      You are an angel x

  6. Try to stay with Mary - there must be a way.

    Stay strong lady - at some point ana will let go of us. Xo

  7. I really hope you can bash this shit in the face.

    It's going to be fucking hard, because you KNOW what a lying slumbitch the disorders are.


    Because you've been purging so much and pretty much not digesting anything for so long, you will have lost a LOT of muscle along your gut and your intestinal flora will be in a sorry state. The ensure/thingiesips will be easier to process while you rebuild your digestive system and get through re-feeding hell. (Would it help to think of it as the digestion version of frat-boy hazing?)

    Try to get a little bit into you every 3-4 hours. It will help stabilise your blood sugar and a normal person's stomach empties after about 3 hours. (You'll probably have delayed gastric emptying for a bit, since your stomach will be used to having everything returned to sender)

    Also: When your body goes into full-on repair mode you'll want to eat everything in sight for a while. Don't freak, it's NORMAL. You'll be wanting fuel the way Christchurch wants builders and timber and concrete and glass and bricks and stuff. Feeding the badass inside, ne?

    I'm so proud of you, mate. No matter how weak you're feeling remember that I'm always here for you, cheering you on. No matter what lies the disorders try to tell you, remember that choosing LIFE is the harder choice and you are STRONGER than they are for choosing it.

    I hope that one day you can see yourself the way I see you, too. Tough, strong, caring, brilliant, a survivor.

    You're utterly fantastic and I love you to bits. Sending you a billion tons of hugs and love from the bottom of the world <3

    1. Thanks for the advice Peri
      Much appreciated
      I'm trying my best
      I'm doing the opposite of what my ED wants

      You are a life line Peri

      Love you too and sending huge hugs your way x

  8. I was prepared to write a long blog reply but then I read what Peridot wrote and she basically said everything I wanted to tell you. So instead I will just say recovery is hard take advantage of all the help you can get. Be it from people, treatment teams, nutritional drinks and anything else that will aid you in this battle. Ensure and drinks like it can be sipped on all day, you can flavor coffee with it and use a blender with ice to make iced coffee drinks, you can even freeze them to make ice pops. You can do this!

    1. Yes Josie, I'm lucky to have great support, I just need to use it
      I think the Ensures will help bump up my calorie intake
      Just trying to wrap my head around the idea of gaining weight

      Thanks for your continued support x


Thank you for leaving some love x