Monday, 17 June 2013

Doctor Day

It's Monday morning
And that means doctor day for me
My usual doctor is out sick and has been for the past 2 weeks so I've been seeing another lady
She is lovely
Last week I told her about my dizziness and weakness
Today she checked my blood pressure again which was really quite low
She decided to take some blood to check that everything is ok
My veins are shockingly bad
I guess years of injecting drugs have taken their toll on my poor arms
First she tried in the crook of my arm with a tiny butterfly needle
No joy there
Then she tried in the back of my hand
Still no luck
She decided to leave it and try again next week
Having blood taken is strange experience for me
When a needle is put in to my arm, I am used to feeling the amazing rush that comes with taking heroin
And when blood is taken, I almost expect to feel the same thing
But of course that doesn't happen
I was never really afraid of needles
They just didn't scare me
When I took heroin for the first time I smoked it
The next time I did it I injected
Injecting was a small price to pay for such an amazing buzz
As time went on my veins all collapsed and I had to find other sites
The biggest and juiciest veins were in my neck so that's where I used
Try to inject in my arms became virtually impossible
I remember spending hours poking and prodding trying to find a suitable vein
My arms were so bruised and full of punctures and scars
There is nothing as frustrating as being sick and not being able to get the drugs in to your  system
The act of injecting in itself can be quite addictive
I don't know why but there is something so satisfying about seeing the blood flow in to the barrel of the needle

This doctor I saw today really was helpful
My usual doctor never takes my blood pressure
Only takes blood if I ask him to
Rarely asks me about my ED
I've seen this doctor every week for the past 8 years
When I'm there we rarely talk about my health or medical matters
It seems that we have run out of things to talk about with that subject
We could talk about anything from films to books
It's a bit out of the ordinary I suppose
The lines are a lit blurred
I'm not sure why but I felt a lot more comfortable taking to this new doctor today
I often find that I can talk easier to a stranger than I can to someone I know
Maybe because I don't want to disappoint them
Maybe because I can't let them down
Maybe because she is a woman
She was very thorough
My own doctor is very laid back
This can be very confusing for me because I get different messages from him and from Mary
Mary calls my case 'acute'
And that it is urgent that I change my behaviours
On the other hand my doctor doesn't seem to worried
But as my mother says, my doctor is a GP and Mary is an expert so she obviously would have greater insight
Because my blood pressure was low the doctor today put me on a tablet called Midon
I'm not thrilled about being put on another medication and I don't even know of I'm going to take it
I'm on enough meds as it is
I would say that if any normal person took the amount of medication that I do every day, they would hit the deck for sure

I decided to invest in a blood pressure monitor to keep an eye on it
I found a neat little one for 19 euros in my chemist

Dr Ruby at your service

Add caption

We have another wedding coming up in December
What is it about weddings that strikes fear in to my heart?
I'm not 100% sure why
Maybe because it's a long day with lots of food
A lot of people
Although I have a few months to get myself in to a good frame of mind
The sick part of me wants to seeing how much weight I can lose in that time
But the rational part of me knows that if I work hard I could be in a good place by December and I could even enjoy myself
I've already been conjuring up ways that I could get out of going
But I think going in to treatment to get out of a wedding is pretty extreme
Anyway I'll see

I was feeling particularly large yesterday
As I walked my dogs I felt so big
I was sure that I had gained
So I decided tow eight myself
To my surprise  I had lost
It just didn't make sense to me
Not at all
It just goes to show that I can not trust my own eyes
Or even how I feel
The only way I can really judge is to weigh
I'm not actively trying to lose weight so I'm  not quite sure why my weight continues do drop
I am purging a lot though
Anything from 5 - 10 times a day
It seems to be getting worse
I don't even admit this to Mary
I tell her that I purge 3-4 times a day

Are you totally honest about your ED with many people?
Are you like me and find it really hard to be honest

16 comments:

  1. I hate weddings! So much pressure and stress mixed with joy... for some reason it makes me feel more distant and abnormal from everyone else :(

    I am not honest at all about my ED behaviours. My mum always asks me if I'm struggling with restricting or binging but I always have an excuse or a good reason. I'm amazed that she still believes me! And I'm supposed to fill out a food journal each week for my doctor. I'm ashamed to admit, on restriction days I put down more food in the journal to look like I have a balanced diet. And on binging days, I put down less food- I don't know why I bother keeping one!

    I hope your blood pressure balances out dear Ruby <3 take care of yourself xxx

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  2. ruby your puls is rather high for such low blood pressure...
    (i'm often 60/90 but as i am quite healthy now, noone ever care) oh hun, i hoped you were doing better. it was such a lovely post on friday!
    and btw even non-ED people dread weddings. some events seem scary at first... but do not worry about december right now, you have got too much else going on, ok?

    the long hair loooks very nice!

    xx

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  3. I dread wedding myself. Maybe it is my deep rooted resentment of the institution. People don't seem to make it into what it purports to be. If you like this new doctor perhaps you should switch. IT is like getting a hair cut from the same person for years, over time they seem to put in less time.

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    1. Or you have less hair i guess you are an old man!

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  4. I dread weddings of people I only sort of know or get brought along too. Tony's roommate at the time was getting married and he happened to be the brother of his long time ex bf. I got the evil eye and was very drunk by the end haha. I feel honored because I've been asked to be a bridesmaid by a friend in January and then also by my college roommate next July. Must mean I'm a decent friend I guess. :P

    I'm completely honest with one friend that doesn't have an ED. (My two friends that do I don't mind being open with.) I just don't know how to express myself. It's like you're crazy. It makes no real sense. I just can tell that some people think you're ridiculous and you feel like you are too. It's sad because you need to talk about it desperately some days. <3
    PS Tony has the same effect when going into a room he used a lot in.

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    1. *his ex gf gosh autocorrect is always getting me on your posts :P

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  5. Of course being honest is difficult for most of us, I'd imagine. It's our little dark secret, our little tragic world we live in alone. Since last fall, I had began to open up little by little to some of my close friends. Nothing detailed, just, "I have a problem and I'm working on it" kind of deal. My roommate was very aware of my fasting, as well as my binging and purging, but there was little to discuss. The first time I have ever been 100% honest about this disease is with my boyfriend. It is extremely difficult, having to tell someone everything you ate and if you purged or not. And sometimes it makes me feel worse. But it also helps me keep perspective that my ED tends to block. I think finding someone you can open up to completely would be beneficial, as difficult as it is.

    And I don't want to sound rude, as you've been seeing your GP for so long, but if he is laid back about the condition you are in, perhaps it is time for a new GP! It is clear your health is in dire need of attention and maintenance, and if he is not providing that, than perhaps he is unable to help you in the long run. Could Mary suggest a new GP? Perhaps one experienced with ED's and addiction?

    Also want to give you a major thumbs up on purchasing the blood pressure monitor. That is being pro-active and it is can also help you keep perspective on your health! Oh and also, I adore your sweater :)

    Keep fighting the good fight Ruby. Our eyes may be blinded by this disorder, our minds askew, but we are not completely lost.
    <3 Stay strong

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  6. Ruby... I feel for you so much... I of course go the opposite direction... I don't always want to tell my dr the truth about what I have eaten...However; the scale always tells the truth. There are days that I go in that I just tell her let's skip it... she lets me get away with it from time to time.

    I will be seeing her next week, I hope I can show a loss to her... it is very hard to be 100% truthful when you feel that someone might judge you...

    I think it is best if you can try to be honest with your dr, if no one else... The decision is yours though... I would love to see you overcome this, somehow:)

    xox Launna

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  7. I'm glad you got to see a different doctor. Sometimes things can get too 'cosy' and so it's refreshing to get an outsider point of view. It's funny, (not funny ha-ha, but you know...) my GP is very laid back about me too, and I think that's much better, because it makes me feel better when everyone else is running around me like headless chickens when there's nothing to worry about.

    I have really bad veins too, but I think it's because they're all shrunken as a result of anorexia's doings. And I've been through phases of daily/weekly/monthly bloods which hasn't done them any favours. I can totally relate to the feeling of seeing blood pouring out into the syringe...don't know why though.

    That's so cool you got your own blood pressure machine! I want one!!

    I've got a wedding coming up in August. I'm terrified. I was meant to be bridesmaid but got too sick. So now I feel like a massive let-down. I hope you end up looking forward to your next wedding! Have you got your outfit sorted?

    It sounds like your ED has really got a hold on you, that's why you feel bigger even though you've lost weight :( Please be careful Ruby. You are too precious for this. I understand though. I can feel myself starting to withhold more and more information from medics etc about my ed. I want to discharge myself.

    Loads of love xxx

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  8. Getting a 'good' gp- one that you don't feel judged, belittled or a time waster with is a treasure! I've had 1, maybe 2 out of a whole surgery!

    As for why youu clicked with the new doc, well it seems to me that it doesn't have to be anything they say, don't say, do or don't do- it's just something the 'exude'. An acceptance, a willingness to listen even if they don't really understand. Kindness basically. Respect.

    It's good you're keeping an eye on your BP. Mine is permanently hilariously low. They don't believe me when I say it is a vast improvement! Oh well.

    As for you're feeling fat- have you heard this little quote? 'The thinner you get the fatter you feel?' I didn't really give it headroom until recently. But now I feel more and more like you describe. How odd and twisted and mind fucky EDs are.

    I am not 100% honest with anyone. Except you guys. I always think- what's the point? Mum and certain sisters beg you to be honest but if I care about them why would I tell them 'yeah today I didn't eat'? What use is that? The damage is done- so why hurt them as well as me? I guess that's what proper counsellors are for. I often wish I could go to confession or something!

    Keep strong, Ruby. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  9. It sounds like it might be a good idea to shop around for a different doctor at the surgery, if his stand-in is such a contrast. Sometimes it can take a while, but it's worth it to have an attentive GP.

    I'm honest about my ED behaviors. My mum often asks me about my calorie intake for example, and I'll give her exact numbers. I'm honest with my dietician, because I see no reason not to be. My GP doesn't ask about my ED often, and if she does I'll generally just say something vague. She and my dietician work together at the same clinic, so they can consult each other about me.

    I love that you have a BP machine now! We've had one for a few years now, originally for me, but then my brother developed hypertension. So now we also have the regular sized cuff that came with the machine, the child's cuff for me, and the large cuff for my brother. I have a mini home hospital in the making :P

    Has your BP been notably low before that you know of? I'd hope it'd improve alongside behaviors, but that's easier said than done, and not always the case.

    Much love to you Ruby dearest <3
    xxxx

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  10. I find the more honest and genuine I am the better. I feel a little freer when I mention my setbacks and especially when I experience anger around my situation. Did you know anger is the opposing emotion to depression. It is that passion that yearning to really change that makes it powerful. Thanks for sharing girls and I am so glad this specialist seems to really care for you. Yeah!

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  11. I'm glad you felt comfortable with the new doctor. Is there a way you could continue seeing her even after your other one comes back?
    I don't find it too hard being honest with my therapist about my illness in the beginning, but it gets harder once you're supposed to be doing better and you get worse. I feel bad about telling then because it feels like I'm saying that their therapy has been useless.

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  12. "You guess"?!? Come off it, Ruby! YOU KNOW it fucked your veins up!

    I hate needles. The only ones I like are the ones in a tattoo gun. I even hate piercing needles! Dunno why. When I have to get a blood test or vaccine stab I have to get them to tell me to look away. Last time I didn't I nearly slapped the nurse in the face. (Only got her hands)

    If experts are shitting themselves, it's time to worry. Ignorance leads to unnecessary nonchalance. Like douchebags thinking that letting rabbits loose in New Zealand was a GOOD idea. Fucking idiots. Completel and utter fucking IDIOTS.

    Hooooooooooohboy. that BP would have any PT shitting their dacks. I bet you nearly pass out whenever you stand up, right? Careful you don't randomly go into shock, love.

    I hate weddings because they are usually in churches and I hate churches and unnecessary ceremonies.

    Ooooh how about you get into such a GOOD place you upstage the bride and make her wish she was in colours and now white? :p

    See? You can't trust your feelings about shit like that. Fat isn't a feeling, it's a method of energy storage. And waterproofing, if you're a caveman.

    I'm never honest, except with blog people.

    LOVE YOU RUBY!

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  13. its hard to find good doctors so i think that if you connect with this one then maybe try to continue seeing them. i worry about you and hope you are doing alright. remember its all about one foot in front of the other other. doing the best you can and not beating yourself up if you slip. progress not perfection. thinking of you : )

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