Wednesday, 17 July 2013

Fighting Ana and Mia

I'm in Galway for a few days visiting my brother and his girlfriend
I'm always apprehensive about leaving home but I really wanted to come
I made the decision before I left that I was going to make a huge effort to eat little and often, eat with others and not bail out and stay in the house and binge and purge
The first night we got here we all had dinner
Chicken marinated in lemon with asparagus and a little rice
It was a small portion
I had to give myself a pep talk all the way through eating it

Come on Ruby, you can do this!
Remember this is healthy food
You are not going to gain 10 lbs from eating one meal

After the meal I stayed at the table
I refused to bulimia ruin my little holiday
I got through it
My first meal in years without purging
This may not sound like a big deal for some but for me it was a freakin' revelation
And because I had eaten properly, I wasn't craving sugar all evening
Hence I didn't binge, hence I didn't purge
Why hasn't anyone told me about this before?
That if I eat properly then I won't binge?
Well actually Mary has been saying this ever since I started seeing her
But it has taken until now for her words to sink in
I also had soup yesterday with a small piece of bread, no purging

The weather is still hot and I am struggling with fatigue
We were out for a few hours yesterday and when we came home I slept all evening, only waking up to have a cigarette
My mood is up and down and all over the place but I am trying to enjoying myself and not let anorexia or any of her minions ruin my little holiday
I'm not going to lie, it is hard
My head constantly tells me that I am fat
That I don't deserve to enjoy myself
That I have gained 10lbs
That I should just finish myself off
Socially I am struggling
I'm just not used to being around people all the time
But I guess that comes with practise
I'm trying to do the opposite of what my ED tells me
Trying to be kind to myself and not give myself a hard time
Some days all I want to do is curl up in bed but where would that get me?
I have admit that I have had my slip ups
I purged after a sandwich yesterday and I bought an enema (after a lecture from the pharmacist)
But overall things are going better than I thought
Baby steps all the way!

I might not get to read or comment a lot this week but I am thinking of you all

Here's some photos for you delectation

The pictures of the dolls are by an artist called Rosemary Fallon, I love them
The Arts Festival is on here this week so many interesting characters about ..........

Man carving dog out of sand

Man playing cardboard guitar


  1. Gorgeous post. You are so raw and open, it is like watching a lotus flower open its petals. I am so proud of you for your pep talk during dinner. Because of my illness I have a hard time eating too. My mind says, no time for food, it will slow us down, let's party! I have to say my body needs nourishment and I choose to take care of my body because I love myself. I can see your love for yourself growing and it is wonderful to see!

  2. Thank you Vanessa for your kind words
    I am really trying hard
    I have to
    The alternative just doesn't bear thinking about
    I can't go like that any more
    I'm afraid of it x

  3. Congratulations on not purging! Keep it up, Ruby, I know you can. Just remind yourself of how good your success feels and what it means for you.

  4. Congrats! Baby steps are still steps...and quite honestly, those are big people steps not baby ones! I am so proud and joyed to hear you trying so hard. I know those voices are still eating away at your head but ignoring them is the only way to get better.

    Keep up the good work, I'm always rooting for you, and I continue to see you as an inspiration. If you can do it, maybe I can too

    PS- Although I often feel the same, as an outsider looking at you, I can assure you one meal will not make you fat. In fact, I think it'd take over 500 meals for you to become anywhere close to fat! Keep ignoring her lies!!!! <3

    1. Thanks Anna
      I know that you go through the same thing
      It's exhausting
      Today was incredibly difficult, many tears

      Hope you're doing ok x

  5. Ruby, I am proud of you for trying and for succeeding sometimes... I know it's hard... I feel for you so much... Keep working at it, it is a day to day process... I know, my addictions are day to day processes too... I am coming up on 6 weeks. I won't lie... I cry sometimes but I want to succeed and I know you do too... We can beat our addictions, we are stronger than they are :)

    1. Thanks Launna for your continued support
      It means a lot
      Wow, 6 weeks already!
      That's amazing, keep going you are doing so well
      Be proud x

  6. Well done Ruby! Baby steps all the way. I'm so proud of you for conquering the chicken & rice dinner, especially in a group setting; reading that's made my morning. One meal at a time :)

    You'll find your social butterfly wings one day. As you said, being around people comes with practice. I'm sure your brother and family don't mind though; they'd be the first ones to understand and want to help if you feel anxious or awkward in group situations.

    I love the photos, especially the cardboard guitarist and the sand sculpture. Galway looks lovely; enjoy your time away.

    Keep fighting dearest Ruby <3 xx

    1. Thanks Bella
      I hope I do find my social wings, I really do
      I hate feeling this way
      I'm struggling just to join in in conversation
      Struggling to be myself

      Yes, Galway is beautiful, especially in this glorious weather

      Much love x

  7. I'm super proud of you girl! Keep moving forward because once you get past the really hard stuff, you won't want to go back and you'll wonder why you stayed. Enjoy your family time :)

  8. Thanks Eve
    That's true, I don't want to go back
    As hard as it is, my ED is a lot worse x


Thank you for leaving some love x