Monday, 15 July 2013

Signs

Monday again
In the past week or so nothing has really happened but everything is changing
Thinking about it, it started last weekend
I can't really talk about what happened but lets just say it was enough to make take a good hard look at my own life and where I'm going
I think I already wrote about getting hyper from lack of food last Sunday
It wasn't on purpose
I only realised at the end of the day that I hadn't eaten
In this hot weather my appetite disappears
It happened again yesterday but when I became aware of it, I made myself eat something
It was such a scary feeling
It seems that my whatever about my body, my mind can't take not eating anymore
It's had enough
I've had enough

Last Friday I had a session with Mary and also my mother attended
To be honest I was dreading it
I worried about what my mother would say
Would it be the same as what I had told Mary?
I thought about cancelling but my mother seemed to want to do it so I went
In the event it was fine
It was positive and quite light hearted compared to the first one
It was eye opening to hear her perspective
I left feeling hopeful and motivated, something that eludes me most of the time

As you know I believe in signs
I believe if you look you will see clear signs pointing you in the right direction
I at the beach Saturday morning and had to go shopping and then fill my car with petrol
Usually I go shopping first but yesterday for some reason I went to the filling station first and went to one that I don't usually go to
I can't say why I just felt that's what I should do
I was coming out from paying and just about to get in to my car when I heard someone calling me
I turned around and saw a guy in a black car with shades on
He was waving
At first I had no idea who he was and just stood staring at him
Then I realised who it was
It was a guy a used to be friendly with and went to meetings with
I walked over genuinely happy to see him
We chatted for a while even though we were still parked at the petrol pump
I told him a little bit if what's going on and how I really want to go back to meetings
He was very kind and listened and made some good suggestions
I left telling him that I would see him at a meeting soon

When I got back to my car and drove off I started thinking what a coincidence that was
It was quite early on a Saturday morning in a town neither of us are from at a place I never usually go and it's probably the first time I've seen him in over a year
I had actually texted this guy last week to wish him a happy birthday and then he was put in my path
Strange but true
I took it as a clear sign that it's time to go back to meetings
Even if it wasn't  a sign, it's still a reason to go back

Also the fact that my doctor is out sick indefinitely
The woman doctor who replaced him is so nice and on the ball and she told that her sister had an ED when she was a teenager
Was this doctor put in my path too?

In the afternoon we went down to see my nephews new kittens
I love animals and they were adorable
I was taking photos and I asked my mother to take one of my sister and I
When I looked at it I noticed the difference between the two of us
I looked tired and frail and she looked healthy and fit
I didn't like what I saw
It scared me

Yesterday morning I got that same hyper feeling again
It's like I had boundless energy and couldn't stop talking
I remember feeling like this when I was in Australia
One day in particular
I hadn't eaten in two days and we were going out for dinner that night with my sister's parents
I wasn't aware of it at the time but thinking back I was quite manic
They must have thought I was nuts
It's only now that I am starting to make connections between my intake and my mood and my mental state
Yes, only now
I began to get really scared yesterday and could feel paranoia creeping in
I went to my mother and told her I was worried about myself
That I felt I was going crazy
That maybe I should go to hospital
She managed to convince me that I wasn't
I immediately ate something
She was going to meet her cousin at the beach for a walk and she suggested that I go too
I was afraid to stay on my own so I went
Very unusual for me
So I went and I was so glad that I did
The change of scenery and getting out of my own head made a huge difference
My head went quiet and I even relaxed and laughed a little
We spent a few hours there and by the time I got home I was feeling a million times better

All these things and more have made me very afraid
I have never been afraid when it comes to my ED
Drugs, yes
I got to a point where I was terrified of what would happen next and that's how I feel now
What will happen next?
Will I really lose my mind?
Will my body give up?
As I've said many times this thing eventually catches up with you no matter what weight you are
I think it's good to be afraid
A bit of fear is healthy
And why wouldn't I be afraid?
I actually can't believe it's taken this long to finally become scared

So I've been making myself eat
Little and often
Even though I don't want to
Even thought the scales was a little up this morning
Even though my whole body is screaming NO!
I'm doing my level best not to purge
I'm doing little things to help myself
I'm trying
I have to
There is nothing that recovery can throw at me that is worse than being this way










9 comments:

  1. Ruby, I think it's good that you are putting the two together and trying to eat... I know it isn't easy for you but I love that you are trying. I so want you to come through to the other side ... I know it's not as simple as that as you will have to choose daily. I know this as I choose daily with my own issues. Some days are easier than others, some are downright hard and I have to push through.... This is what I want for you, it feels great when I push through and I don't give into my fear...

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    1. Woman you are on a diet! Ruby is struggeling with a severe life threatening eating disorder!

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  2. I'm really glad you're seeing these because when I made these kind of connections I began to recover. I definitely believe God doesn't leave us in our chosen state for long, not without a fight. Right now, with this struggle I'm in, I've felt hopeless and it always works out that someone is there with a reminder that God will help me or there will be someone to keep me occupied to fight the irrational thoughts I get about the situation. It's amazing to me, the little things in life like this.
    Saying a prayer for you, Ruby. Keep fighting the lies with truth. You are loved.

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  3. Fear is a powerful motivator. I'm glad you're eating more and considering going to meetings. I love the last line. I'm going to use it as inspiration to work towards recovery.
    Your description of the therapy session with your mom is inspiring too. I'm considering telling my parents but I don't know if it will turn out for better or worse. What do you think?
    The kittens are so cute!

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  4. Omg the little black one! So precious. I think you're mom is a wonderful person, she sounds so supportive. I'm glad you're making yourself eat, even if it feels like the strangest thing ever. Go to the beach, play with kittens, treat your dogs. I think the best thing to help recover or get out of a hole is not necessarily distraction, but filling your time and thoughts with so many good things you won't want to think about the bad. I want to see my lovelies happy :) Love you dear, keep thinking like this.

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  5. Go Ruby! Let the fear drive you forward. You are better than this disorder and you will be victorious in defeating it! Those little steps are hard but vital, and being mindful of your body is definitely a huge step. I am so happy you are moving forward and I can't wait to see a healthier picture of you holding those kitties! PS- Your black and white one looks exactly like my new foster kittie! Haven't decided if I'll keep it yet, but I'm sure I'll be posting a pic soon.

    I think it's safe to say that kitties are a great tool for recovery!

    And I think you're on your way there quicker than ever!

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  6. Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm glad to read that your ED is scaring you. I think it's near-impossible to let go when it doesn't. Something has to've changed in your mindset, because I've often read you say that the consequences of your ED don't scare you. We always run harder and faster when we're running scared, and it sounds like maybe you've hit a turning point.

    Like you, I believe everything happens for a reason. I know you've been trying to work up to go to meetings for a while, and maybe this is the push you needed to get there. I really hope you follow through with it; we need all the support we can get.

    The kittens! Omg. I want them. I love the markings on the black & white one.

    Have a wonderful week dear Ruby. Keep fighting <3
    xxxx

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  7. Your body isn't screaming No my love, it's your brain. Your brain has a chemical imbalance that says starvation equals bliss. This perception is going to kill you and your brain is a bitch!! Glad to hear you want to go to meetings again and glad to hear you recognize the severity of your situation. Big hugs from Canada!

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  8. Starvation shrinks your brain (it's an extremely energy-hungry organ. your body tries to cut the power bill if you're not getting enough energy to run everything. part of that is muscle loss, part is organ loss. your brain shrinks along with everything else) and your brain creates your mind. If the brain goes, so do you.

    Sorry I've been absent for so long. Love you and missed you tons <3

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Thank you for leaving some love x