Thursday, 22 August 2013

Ana in Achill

Day 6 here on Achill Island
Day 6 without a scale
It has been both a blessing and a curse
A blessing because when I don't know the number, it can't effect my mood and can't either make or break my whole day
And a curse because not knowing is driving me bananas
There was a scale in the pharmacy that I was in yesterday but it was just too public a place to do something that I consider to be quite intimate
I feel bigger
I feel like I am taking up more space
I don't like it
I will really have to prepare myself for the worst when I weigh myself at home on Sunday

I've taken a lot of photos here and I put some of myself up on my last post
The minute I had it posted I regretted it
In my eyes I don't look like someone with an ED
I'm not particularly thin
I'm normal
Healthy looking
I feel like a fraud
An anorexic imposter
A wannabe
It makes me want to lose more weight
Almost to prove that I have an illness
You know the way some people look really skinny but weigh quite a lot?
Well I think that I'm the opposite
My weight is on the low side but I actually look a lot bigger

I swear I am so sick of talking, writing, thinking about my weight
I am starting to bore myself
And I'm sure my poor mother is sick to death of me asking her if I've gained weight
I hate being so self obsessed
So bloody self absorbed
I should really get a hobby and start obsessing over something that is at least interesting
I am over this ED
I've been there
Done that
Bought the extra small t-shirt
Why can't I just let it go
This love affair I've had with anorexia/bulimia is way past it's sell by date
It went sour a long long time ago
I'm trying to let her go but she is clinging on for dear life (or death)
Being away this week has reminded me that there is a whole world out there
That the world does not revolve around me and my ED
I am not that important
I am not that special
I am but a tiny speck in this vast universe

I have laughed a lot this week and that felt good
I've gone for years at a time without laughing and it's easy to forget how good it feels
I think once you start to feel a little better, you realise how miserable you really were
I don't really have a life to speak of
I have cocooned myself and cut myself off
Living like a virtual recluse
It's time to take a leap of faith
To smash the glass box that I am living in
Break free of anorexia and bulimia
I don't have the luxury of time any more
I'm not 19 any more
Technically I am a woman but even saying that feels completely foreign to me
I cringe at the thought
I am still a little girl that never grew up
Never blossomed
It 's time
Time to take a chance on life
What have I got to lose?
There is nothing more this illness can take from me apart from my life
But I would rather die young than live the rest of my days like this
The thought is unbearable

This relationship with my ED is one of love and hate
I can't live with it and I can't live without it
It's like being in an abusive relationship
Like an abuser anorexia/bulimia grooms us and lures us in with false promises of happiness
We believe her and willingly follow her
She sounds so kind and sincere
Like she she really wants to help us
At first she is sweet as can be
She promises us that if we follow her rules we will be thin and pretty and popular
Who can pass up an offer like that?
But once we begin to trust her and once we are captive, she shows her true colours and how evil she really is
A sweet whispering voice now gives way to a mean and nasty one
She doesn't ask anymore, she demands
She shouts insults at us all say long
We are never good enough
And also like in a abusive relationship, it is next to impossible to get out
Even though we are miserable we go back to her time and time again
Because we believe that the next time will be different
Because it is familiar
Because we know no other way
I am trying to break free of this thing but it is harder than I ever thought
But every time I do the right thing and disobey anorexia, she gets a little bit weaker
I believe that I will never be completely free from her
Much like drugs you can manage the problem but there is no cure

Anyway, I digress
Here's some more snaps of Achill

Anyone for tennis?

Add caption

Happy Birthday Oisin!

Traffic jam in Achill


  1. Darling I know you feel bigger but you really are not big at all! You definitely look like a person suffering from an ed.. I would not lie to you. Plus remember what you see is perhaps different to what everyone else sees. You are tiny - although you see yourself as bigger.. You are not.

    Love you xx

    1. I don't know Rayya
      I just can't see it, I really can't
      It's so confusing
      It's such a cruel thing this ED, messing with my head like this

      Hope you're doing ok

      Love you too x

  2. Just wanted to say that you do look underweight and you do look like an ED sufferer. As one who's also been there, I would have spotted you at the shops and known immediately. It's in your shoulders, legs, neck here. Sending love, and understanding.

    1. I can always spot people too Anna
      I think we can recognize an eating disordered person straight away

      Thank you for your honesty though x

  3. Oh Ruby, I wish you could see what we see. I usually refrain from commenting on people's looks but you look terribly thin.

    I am very happy to hear that you are having a wonderful time with your family and that you're enjoying much needed laughter. I pray that you are able to get out of your head and become healthy physically, emotionally and mentally.

    Hugs to you.

    1. Thanks JJ for your kind words
      I do accept that I don't see what everyone else sees as hard as that is
      I wish I could see it though

      I am having a lovely time with my family
      my sister and nephew are heading home today and I am a bit sad
      I've been getting on with my nephew so well and that is a huge step

      Hugs to you too JJ X

  4. You pictures do not hide your ED, I think it is important for a person to be able to look at pictures of themselves. Don't obsess over them though.

  5. I'm glad you're having a good time!
    I also would never weigh myself in a public place, but that's because I worry that if I do people will realize that I have an eating disorder.
    Every post I hear you getting more and more fed up with this ED, and more and more geared up to push it out the door once and for all.
    There's a life waiting for you without Ed or Mia or any of those imposters. It's a life full of light and laughs and tears. It's gotta be worth it.

    1. I am fed up Emily, so very fed up
      I'm ready to do something else with my life
      Start really living
      I'm just so bored of everything to do with EDs
      I need other interests in my life
      Another focus
      Something to throw myself in to
      You are right, it has to be worth it x

  6. Hi Ruby, I fully identify with what you said about weighing a certain amount but feeling your image does not reflect the amount you weigh, I used to in treatment say all the time how it was unfair that I was the biggest looking despite not according to bmi weighing the most. I know your ED will love me saying this but I mean it to reassure you, I see anorexia in you, your legs are so skinny ( I have a bmi of 13.6 and my legs are much much bigger than yours) you have such a tiny body and I know you can't see it, but none of us here have any reason to tell you anything other than the truth. The scales situation is one i am familiar with, because I don't currently like my weight I have not weighed myself much but not knowing drives me mad too. I hope you enjoy what's left of your holiday, I am having a terrible week wish I could immerse myself in your beautiful scenery. Take care of you. Xxx

  7. Hey V
    Yes it seems that other people see me differently but I just can't see it
    I guess it's a symptom of the illness
    But wow, if your BMI is 13.6 your legs are most definitely skinnier than mine
    My BMI is 15/16

    I'm trying my best to enjoy myself in spite of my ED
    She is really not happy about that but she will just have to suck it up

    Much love and thanks for your comment x

  8. Look at you compared to all the normal people on the photos….you're so very tiny!! You are NOT a fake. You are suffering from an illness that wants to cause you pain. There is a monster inside you telling you everyday that you're not good enough. How can one survive with that? You're a fighter!

    1. I really can't see it Vanessa
      I wish that I could
      You are right, it is a monster and I fight it every single day
      I am a fighter
      I have to be
      Otherwise I would just lay down and die

      Thanks for your honesty x

  9. I read this earlier in the week and I was on my phone and not able to comment... I worry about you Ruby... I know that you see things differently than we do and you have this illness. That makes me sad because I see a strong, intelligent woman who is amazing ... you have lifted me up on many occasions, thank you...

    1. Thanks Launna for your kind words
      I really wish that I could see what you see

      Much love to you as always x

  10. Yessssssss laughing is good! :D

    I've been too scared to weigh myself lately. I just don't want to know (Broke yesterday, of course. No change)

    Bitch, please. You're tiny.

    Lol, that traffic jam looks familiar. . .

    Yes, every time you disobey that sadistic despot her grip weakens a little. You're worth fighting for, Ruby. You really are. You deserve to live free.

    Love you <3

  11. Sweetie, your eyes are broken. ED broke them. I know you know this but we all need reminding that we don't see ourselves as we really are.


Thank you for leaving some love x