Wednesday, 28 August 2013

Summertime sadness

I saw my doctor on Monday
He is now back full time after having been off for a few months
He brings up the subject of reducing my methadone that day
Before he left he had been planning to start reducing it but obviously that never happened
I say that I need a bit more warning
That I wasn't prepared for a drop today
'One week' he says
'Two weeks' I say
I haggle with him for a few minutes but he won't budge
Next week it is
He asks me why I am so reluctant to reduce it
I'm honest and tell him that I am afraid of relapsing
I ask him how long it will take to come off it completely
'At the rate your going I have no idea' he says
I bite my tongue
He says that I worry over things that I needn't worry about
Again I bite my tongue
Call me crazy but worrying about my possible relapse back in to heroin addiction is not something I take lightly
It scares the shit out of me
I still have nightmares about relapsing

They say that while you are in recovery, your addiction is doing push ups
They say that when you relapse, you pick up where you left off
And I left off in a horrific place
I don't want to go back there
Not for all the tea in China
And now that I think about it, we didn't agree on how much he's going to drop the methadone
Another thing to haggle about

I've been on methadone for almost 10 years
Although I haven't been clean that long
I am only clean a couple of years
And I've only just started to take my meds properly so really I am only a couple of months clean
I started off on 70 mls of methadone
And over the years have worked my way down to 30mls
Going from 30mls to 0mls is going to be a lot harder than going from 70mls to 30mls
If I had my way I would never come off it
But I don't so I can't

Remember I said that I thought I had gained about 7lbs while on holiday?
Well I came home and I was shitting bricks at the thought of weighing myself
I put it off
Kept putting it off
Then finally bit the bullet on Monday
I had a specific number in mind
Anything higher than that I just didn't know how I would deal with it
Stand on scale
Deep breath
Watch the little red numbers flicker then settle
I gained
The grand total of 1lb
My greatest fear was not realised
I can not tell you how relieved I am
I was so sure that I had gained a significant amount
This is the third time that this is happened to me this summer
Will I ever learn?

So the summer is coming to an end
I remember back in May I was absolutely dreading the coming summer
I just wanted to fast forward time and get it over and done with
But as it turns out I had a great summer
It was challenging to say the least but somehow I got through it
I went to Dublin for a few days
I went for afternoon tea with my mother and auntie B
I went to Galway for a week where I managed to eat 2 meals without purging
I organized our trip to Achill
I spent time with my nephew
I laughed a lot
Had so much fun
I tried to not let my ED spoil things for me
I pushed myself socially
My mood was good
My weight was stable
All in all it was a jolly good time

Now everyone is going back to work and college and I have to find something to do
A purpose
A reason to get up in the morning
The day is very long when you have nothing to do and no where to go
I have signed up for a creative writing course but that doesn't start until October
I'm also thinking of starting Zumba
I need a hobby
Something to keep my mind off my ED
I'm feeling quite positive and motivated so I want to keep it that way
It s' funny, I only realise how miserable I was when I start to feel better
And it can be a dangerous place to be as I realise how sick I actually am
But I don't have to stay that way
I can help myself
And for the first time in a long time I actually want to

What about you?
Did you have a good summer?
Are you glad or sad that it's over?


  1. Really pleased Ruby that you are going to pursue positive things in your life and you took a leap of faith and didn't gain 6lbs or 7lbs, hope this gives you some confidence in your body and metabolic rate! My summer has been hard, my throat is so sore from feeling under pressure to 'p' not necessarily b/p after meals with parents being quite forceful with food. Wish there was a way I could tell them I need to stop having food thrust in my face so I can try and eat anything and keep it down. Anyways for all those reasons I am glad I am going back to uni at the end of September, it gives me focus, even if it is only part time. I think your doctor sounds harsh, I feel like GPs dnt know much about EDs or addiction, it's easy for them to say 'don't worry' it's not them facing their daemons everyday! Stay strong, I believe I'm you. Xxx

  2. I had a good summer, I was able to see my grandson who is two for the first time. My sister came for a visit... I hadn't seen her in 8 years.

    Mostly I started and continued eating right and exercising... all in all it was a good summer ;-)

  3. Ruby I teach Zumba!!! I totally recommend it. It's so freeing! I've had anorexia for well over a decade and once I discovered Zumba it gave me a reason to eat (at least more than I was.)

  4. You are rightfully terrified of relapse!They're taking it really slowly though. That's good. they probably can't ethically keep you on it when it starts causing major health problems on top of your ED though :/ GAH! STUPID ETHICS!

    Yeah, only a few months. That makes it scarier :9 *hugs you tightly*

    Lol, silly Ruby XD Your Ed will keep lying to you like that and if you keep listening to it you'll keep chasing your tail every time you take a holiday :p

    Fucking hell, you realise if you do Zumba you're going to need to eat more so you can (calorically) afford to do the exercise without fucking yourself up the ass? (Of course you do, but you know me) Um random hobby ideas:
    Juggling (Heaps of fun)
    Knitting (SOCKS!)
    Crochet (More portable than knitting)
    Gardening (Pretty flowers)
    Computer game design (Look at Dwarf Fortress, FFS!)
    Do NaNoWriMo with me (I need a buddy to poke me along)
    3D animation
    yeah now my brain just falls on it's face >.< Sorry!

    I'm sad to see winter go. I like cool weather, but I hate chilblains. Summer is gonna be a bitch with this massive garden to try to restore. FUCK my brother was a moron! COOCH GRASS AND ENGLISH IVY AND THISTLES FUCKING EVERYWHERE! I shit you not, Miles found a massive chrome penis statue in the front yard that feels like it weighs 5kg or something. Blimey!

    Sending you tons of love from the springtime at the bottom of the world <3

  5. I'm so glad that you have had a good summer! Having a hobby really does help doesn't it? Have you ever thought of studying something via distance? In Australia we have a college called Open Universities. You can study just one unit or even work it up to double the full time workload. It's all online including submitting tests and assessments. I am studying through them and I think it's the only thing that helps keep my sanity. I couldn't cope going to a college or university, but I can study at my own pace. You don't have to work towards a degree. You could even just pick any subject that interests you. Just something to think about :)

    Summer is coming in Australia and I am very excited. Last winter was my lowest point and this winter has been pretty bad as well. But my mood and coping methods always improve in summer.

    Hope you are well Ruby :) x

    1. Same here! I'm in denial! Still getting some scorchers here and can swim outside most days, so I'm staying in denial! I'm jealous, you get to have summer whilst were dealing with mounds of snow! Lol.. It seems like summer JUST started! It was such a long heavy winter though :( I am steering clear of all stores for a while! They are selling SNOWBOOTS ffs!! Lol, like really?? We're not likely to get any substantial snow til January at least! I'm already dreading it and the return of my SAD.. Means hibernating and weight gain :'(

      Glad summer is coming for you now tho.. It's your turn for summer, enjoy it!!

      Peri come to Canada and feel some real chilblains ;) does your nose frost up in the winter where you are?? Lol..

  6. You deserve a thousand and more good summers Ruby! I think you have enormous strength and will power. You have so many acheivements that perhaps you should err on the side of caution when it comes to coming off your meth? I dont know- I am completely naive about these things but it would be terrible to overload yourself and trip up with coming off it with all those implications.

    Anyway, I'll leave that decision to you! Isn't it amazing how you can be so, SO convinced of masses of weight gain and it is not true. I wonder how many times it takes for us to trust that outcome?!

    Keep going!!


    1. I think she should and definitely would err on the side of caution if that fricken doc would let her! It's damaging to her health and mental stability to force a cutback that she's not ready for.. I hate your doc Rubes, I would really look into finding one who knows there stuff, he's obviously read a few books and thinks he's an expert now! Such a douche! Love you hun

  7. I'm really pleased you managed to enjoy parts of your summer :) and I hope you manage to find something to keep your mind distracted over autumn and winter - I know you love dancing so zumba could work, I'd just say be careful with the exercise thing tho, remembering your obsessive stepper machine tendencies from a few months ago? but if you'd enjoy it and it wouldn't trigger you, go for it! you're in my thoughts little one, I understand how frighetning the idea of relapse must be, I've recently gotten to know someone from the DBT group I now have to stop who was a serious alcoholic and her fear of relapse is intense, I know it's not quite the same, - how much of the fear of relapse is also a fear of letting go as well in disguise? if its been a part of your life for so long, and you sometimes still take all the meds in one go, how much of reducing the dose is a fear of letting go of an addition, or is it just the fear if you don't have that then you'll search elsewhere? I'd be interested to know your views because I don't understand drug addition as much as other addictions and want to more xxxx

  8. I think it is amazing that you have already been able to reduce your methadone from 70 to 30. I can't imagine how terrifying it must be for you which just makes your achievement all the more courageous. Hopefully you will be able to come off the final 30 in gradual increments - and just think how fantastic you will feel to be completely clean. You'll be sparkling with newness and the world will be your oyster! If you can do that, you can do anything.

    I can relate to the whole weight gain thing. ED never ceases to trick us into believing its lies. Will we ever learn indeed?!

    I can't wait to hear what you decide to get up to! Your creative writing course sounds great! Are there any other courses in the same place that you might be able to sign up to as well? Wow, Zumba, you're going to be so energetic! Let me know how it goes!!

    Personally, I'm glad the summer is over. I've been waiting all summer for college to start because, with having nothing to do, my ED has been getting out of control and I've lost far too much weight, and I hope that starting college kind of gets me back on track, if that makes sense?

    Loads of love to you Ruby X

  9. I'm glad you and your doctor are proceeding carefully and thoughtfully. I think it's a really good sign that you're being vigilant about relapse. I think planning ahead for the feelings, thoughts, urges, etc. will help a lot. I have a lot of faith that you can keep pushing forward with reducing the methadone. Keep fighting!

    I'm also sad to see summer ending. Although I'm so grateful to have gone to treatment, I'm sort of left wondering where my summer went!


Thank you for leaving some love x