Monday, 9 September 2013

And then she escaped

My sister suggested that I change the name of my blog to And then she escaped
Maybe I will

It's Monday morning and I'm just back from the doctor
After talking about sport for about 10mins, he asks me how I got on with the methadone reduction
I was pleased to report that my week was uneventful with not a whiff of withdrawal
I ask him how long he thinks it will take to come off it completely and he figures it will take about a year dropping 2mls at a time
I also want to know if he has supervised any other detoxes
He said that he has and they were successful
That's encouraging
He explains that because I have been stable for such a long time, he doesn't anticipate any difficulties
In his eyes I may be stable long term but in truth I am only stable a few months
I never really told him about my abusing my meds and it's only recently that I've got that under control
All the while we are talking I am coughing and spluttering
He asks if I have a cold
I have for the last 2 weeks and I can't see to shake it
He says he will keep an eye on it

I haven't weighed myself since Mary weighed me on Tuesday
I have no idea what my weight is
My ED is telling me that I gained but I know better than to take her word for it
I don't know why I stopped weighing
It wasn't a conscious decision
I just don't feel that overwhelming urge to know theMy b number
I don't miss it
Not one little bit
I don't miss the anxiety before I step on the scale praying for a kind number
I don't miss the high I get when I see that I've lost weight
I don't miss the black cloud that descends over me when I have gained
The feeling that I am worthless
Fat
A failure
I don't miss my day being ruined because the number is up
My mood being dictated by those little red numbers
Literally measuring my worth in pounds and ouncez
In fact it is so freeing to not know the number
Mary will weigh me tomorrow and that's ok
I may or may not look at the number, I haven't decided yet

I was in the chemist this morning
They have one of those scales that measure your weight, height, BMI and blood pressure
There was a girl weighing herself
She took off her shoes and as she stood on it she closed her eyes
I know that feeling
It crossed my mind that she might have an ED
As she collected her slip of paper she studied it carefully
I wanted to run up to her and say 'Don't do it! Don't weigh yourself! No good can come of it. Don't define yourself by a number, a scale can't measure how beautiful you are!
It's easy to say these words but I know myself that breaking free of the dreaded scale is very difficult
It's an addiction in itself

My birthday came and went just like any other day
I was blown away by all the comments, messages, emails and cards that I received
As I said in my last post my family and I went for afternoon tea in Castle Dargan
It was so lovely and the setting was beautiful
It was a marked difference to my birthday last year
Last year I didn't want to do anything for my birthday
I just wanted to ignore it
My mother cooked dinner for my, my sister and my nephew
After dinner we were having tea and I ended up having a huge argument with my sister about her not allowing me to babysit my nephew
My sister left angry and I'm sure Oisin heard us
All in all it was a disaster
Thankfully this year was very different
I am in a better place mentally
Last year even though I was at a healthy weight, mentally I was in a very bad place
I couldn't see a way out
I was bitter and resentful
Full of self hatred
This year things are a little better in that respect
I'm slowly learning to like and accept myself
To forgive myself
To be free to be me
I often judge myself on past behaviour and things I did when I was in active addiction
I could beat myself up for the rest of my life but where would that get me?
I have to forgive myself, make amends where I can and let it go
I'm not a bad person
Yes, I have done some bad things and made bad choices but I've learned from my mistakes and I do try to be a better person

I've always had a hard time accepting myself and sought to be accepted by others
I was a people pleaser
I did many things to get people to like me
I changed my looks
I wore different clothes
I even changed my personality to fit in with other people
I remember when I was living in Dublin I changed my accent in the hopes that I would be accepted
Now it's not so important to me
I'm learning to accept that some people will like me and some people won't
And that's ok
I try not to change myself to fit on with others
I dress the way I want to
I just try to be me

Here's some photos of my birthday, enjoy...........

Outfit for the day










My sister and nephew gave me this mug, he he!




31 comments:

  1. Ruby, I am SO glad you had a better birthday this year...it looks like you had fun :-D

    ReplyDelete
  2. I did Launna, so much better
    And yes, we had great fun x

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  3. Yay!! I'm glad your birthday went well, and I'm glad you didn't have any issues with your meds this week!
    Let me know what you decide about looking at your weight tomorrow. If I were forced to get on a scale I couldn't resist, which is why I'm glad there are none around right now. I don't know if it would be easier to look at the weight and decide that I'm okay with it or to not look entirely.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know either Emily
      Mary says that it is better to know but I'm just not sure yet
      Yes, I will post about it anyway x

      Delete
  4. When I was doing my personal training this summer we would weigh me every so often then do the pinch test to calculate my muscle gain and overall body fat percentage. I had to force myself to look at the scale and to not whine about any gains. I increased about ten pounds over the course of the summer but I lost body fat AND gained muscle. I have to tell myself that that is what's important. I stepped on the scale at the gym the other day, full clothes, shoes, had eaten and drank water that day, and my weight had barely moved and I pile on the food now. The body is amazing if you'll let it be. :D You looked beautiful on your birthday and I absolutely love your coffee mug! I like to collect unique ones. Keep looking up Ruby!
    <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Very true Eve
      I know that if I just let it my body will find it's own natural set point
      I wish I could let go but it's so freakin' hard!

      Yes, I love the mug too and I love cups in general x

      Delete
  5. I'm glad you had a good day. x

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    Replies
    1. In reply to your comment on Milly's blog. Yes I do still blog, I had to become anonymous in the end because my dad was reading my blog (long story), but yeah, still here, still reading, still writing! x

      Delete
    2. Thanks Penny, good to hear from you, hope all is well
      I'm going to check out your blog now x

      Delete
  6. Prepare yourself......


    HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY
    HAPPY
    HAPPY
    HAPPY
    HAPPY
    H
    A
    P
    P
    Y
    BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    :)
    <3
    I know it's belated, but that's because I'm dumb and forgot to comment. If I was in Ireland, I would give you a ginormous hug that might crush your spine. That's just how I hug :P

    It's very good to hear your reduction went alright the first week, I know it was scary. A year sounds like a pretty reasonable time? I have no knowledge of detox or weening people off medication, but from 25-20 mls to none in a year sounds smart. I'm very glad your birthday was better than last year. Being a young adult my birthdays include lots of drinking and dancing, so tea and lunch with the family sounds fun and relaxing. Oooh that place looks so posh, I might feel uncomfortable there (I always feel awkward in posh, fancy places). Your outfit was cute, you look nice in neutral colors :) Well, I'm going to stop ranting now, I'm happy your very own day went well and that mug is perfect.

    AAHH I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, HAPPY BIRTHDAY AGAIN!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Awww thank you lovely!

      It was a bit posh but it's nice to do it once in a while

      Love you too x

      Delete
  7. I really like the sounds of "And then she escaped".
    I'm relieved to hear your week's gone well with the reduction. Does your doctor seem okay with lowering it 2mls at a time?
    And I'm so proud of you for breaking the scale addiction! It can be difficult, but you're right, once a week is more than enough.

    You look gorgeous dear, those colors really suit you. Everything at Castle Dargan looks so wonderful, I'm glad you had a good day.
    Sending lots of love and a big birthday hug xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yea, it's a bit more positive than And then she disappeared but I'm kind of attached to that title
      Anyway we'll see

      Thank you, we had a lovely time

      Sending love and hugs right back atcha x

      Delete
  8. I really love those photos and I love you too, I'm glad this year was more positive for you :) yes she does, here is a link to' her new blog: http://demi-gods-and-hungry-ghosts.blogspot.co.uk loveeee xxxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Milly

      Yes I just got a comment from Penny, thanks for the link x

      Delete
  9. Morple. Maybe it wasn't a good idea to hide the meds-abuse :s It gives him the wrong idea. Blargh for the cold. I hope you feel better soon! Remember to fuel your body so it can run your immune system as well as your basic metabolic functions, k?

    I weighed myself for the first time in 10 days today. New record time-length, lol. I didn't want to weigh while I was so stress-stomahcy in case seeing it go down made me go back to mega-restrict-and-workout-mode. Blargh. Plesantly surprised like you often are, I thought I had gained a shit-ton but I hadn't! (Didn't lose either, but IDGAF so long as it isn't in the sky)

    Mmmm egg sammiches. I always go straight for the egg sandwiches coz I can't boil an egg to save myself!

    BWAAAAHAHAHA I love their taste in mugs ^.^

    You keep being you and being awesome and I hope the next birthday is EVEN BETTER than this one was! *huggles*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think so Peri
      I probably should have been honest with him as not telling him may backfire on me

      I missed my app with Mary today as was really sick so didn't get weighed so I may weigh tomorrow myself

      Yes, me loves the egg ones too
      And the ham ones
      And the chicken ones
      And the.......

      Thanks Peri, hugs and love to you x

      Delete
  10. Be YOU sunshine!! I have never met someone with so much strength trying to fight an illness that wants to kill you and make you suffer all day every day. Who deserves that? NO ONE! You will find a healthy weight again and you will love yourself and look pack at your posts and see how far you've come.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Awww thanks Vanessa for your kind words
      Most of the time I don't feel strong at all, I feel like a weakling
      But every day I am getting a little better and every day my ED gets that bit weaker x

      Delete
  11. You should give yourself more credit than you do. You have lots of people who support you and believe in you without even meeting you. You're beautiful inside and out! You're a strong woman and an inspiration. Keep moving forward, Ruby.
    So glad you had a wonderful birthday. My birthday wish for you is that you get stronger and by next year, you'll be in an even better place than you are now. <3

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  12. Yes, my family and Mary are always telling me that I am too hard on myself
    It's something that I struggle with, giving myself credit

    Thank you for your birthday wish x

    ReplyDelete
  13. It looks as though you had an amazing birthday. I am so happy to hear that things are looking up for you. I too like the sounds of the new blog title. It gives off hope. It remind you that you can escape this ED. I believe in you, Ruby. Keep fighting. Xx

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    Replies
    1. I did CJ, I really did

      Thank you for believing in me, it's means a lot x

      Delete
  14. You're so cute. You seem to be in a good place. much love xx

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Rae, yes I hope I can hold on to this x

      Delete
  15. Happy Belated Birthday! Just take recovery one step at a time, and be honest with your counselor so he can help you completely. You can do this!! You look gorgeous in your birthday photos, and I can't wait to read more!
    Take care, love.
    Be safe
    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks lovely
      Yes, baby steps add up to be great strides

      Take care of you too x

      Delete
  16. Lovely pictures! You look beautiful Ruby :) And it's wonderful that you can see the progress and steps that you've made forward this year. It's inspiring and encouraging. xxx

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Destiny

      Lets hope this year is a good one

      Hope you are doing ok x

      Delete
  17. I love the name And Then She Escaped!

    When you're ready, I think it'd be perfect for you.

    I love your pictures too. You're so beautiful and look so happy with your family. I'm so glad you had a better birthday than last year.

    Just be you!

    Much love xx

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for leaving some love x