Friday, 6 September 2013

Happy Birthday!

It's my birthday tomorrow but I'm going to write about it today as I won't get a chance tomorrow
My family asked me what I would like to do to celebrate it so I suggested we go for afternoon tea in Castle Dargan
Again? I hear you cry
Yes this will be the third time I have gone for afternoon tea in the last couple of months but I love it!
It's a really lovely thing to do so expect lots of photos next post

Castle Dargan

Time is passing by so fast
I swear I blinked and a year went by
Birthdays are a funny time of year for me
More than turning a year older, it's a reminder that I've clocked up yet another year in the midst of this illness
13 years and counting
Almost half my life
13 years of living this half life
13 years of weight loss and weight gain
13 years of recovery and relapse
Of treatment and therapy
Of medication
Of being on the edge of society
Of isolating myself
Of being is self destruct mode
Of hopes raised and dashed
Of seeing doctors, psychiatrists and therapists
Of hating myself and loathing my body
I've given my ED the best years of my life and I'm not willing to lose another decade

I remember 2 birthdays ago I panicked at the thought of another year of being eating disordered
I rang  a treatment centre with the intentions of admitting myself
But I never got beyond the initial phone call
It took me a year to muster up the courage to ring back

This year has to be better
It just has to be
The last 12 months have been a roller coaster
Crippling lows and euphoric highs
I crave evenness
Steadiness
Balance
Bouncing from top to bottom makes me feel a bit crazy
I guess I just want to feel normal
As in not low and not high
Somewhere in between
Somewhere I can have peace of mind
Without the voice of my ED screaming in my ear

I do feel hopeful about this year
Hopeful that I can turn a corner and embrace recovery
Not just play the part of a recovered person
And I do play the part
Anyone who knows me or knows anything about EDs can see through the thin veil of my act
But to the untrained eye I think I seem perfectly fine
I want to 'walk the walk'
Not just 'talk the talk'
I know that I have a long road ahead of me
It can take months to recover physically
Years to recover mentally
 A life time to get over it completely
But that's ok
I'm in it for the long haul

PS. Mum's present to me was a trip to the hairdresser, here's the result!



46 comments:

  1. Happy Birthday Ruby, have an amazing day

    I love the hair cut girl :)

    Don't let ED take anymore of your life (saying that, I know it is easier said than done).... keep fighting though :)

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  2. Thanks Launna

    I will keep fighting, you too! x

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  3. Happy Birthday for tomorrow Ruby! MIne is on Tuesday so not far behind you. I completely understand what you mean by Birthdays being somewhat ambivalent in terms of thought. I know i am, when i think of my 21st, i feel like a massive disappointment compared to myself now, even if I know that's my ED. . All I can say is, I am trying to accept time spent wishing is time wasted (easier said than done, I wrote about forgiveness and food and feelings in my most recent posts). I agree with you that the untrained eye can be easily deceived but an eating disordered person or a professional usually see through our masks. What I get from your post is your hope and I think that's so beautiful- it will be hard, it will take time but if your in it for the long haul you can make a half life just a chapter in your life, not the whole book. Stay strong Ruby, so many people wish you well! Xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you V
      Yes, I do feel hopeful
      I feel that I can see a light at the end of the tunnel
      It will be hard but I am ready for it

      Happy birthday to you too! x

      Delete
  4. Happy birthday huni! Love the hair too, and ooh I love afternoon tea (I love any tea, any time, anywhere) I hope you have a fabulous day and also.. Try not to think of the past, things happen, but in the here and now you are ruby and you are loved.

    Love you loads!! Xx

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    Replies
    1. Thank you dear Rayya

      Love to you too x

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  5. Happy Birthday Ruby. I hope this is your best year yet. You look beautiful.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much JJ, I hope so too

      Hope you are doing ok x

      Delete
  6. Happy Birthday dearest Ruby! I hope you have a wonderful day and thoroughly enjoy your afternoon tea! Perfect choice of celebration I think. It's funny, my friend and I decided to go for afternoon tea to celebrate our birthdays in October!! Good minds think alike eh?!

    I can't wait to see more photos of your day! Your hair looks stunning Partner!
    Loads of love XX

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much partner for your kind words

      Yes, I have just discovered afternoon tea recently and I love it! I'm really looking forward to tomorrow

      Lots of love to you too x

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  7. What a strong post! You're in a great frame of mind. We can only change once we realize we don't deserve the shitty stuff anymore. We deserve happiness, love and acceptance, especially from ourselves. So proud of you!

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  8. Happy Birthday Ruby!!!! May your year be filled with wonderful changes - I believe in you. x

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Kate and thanks for believing in me x

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  9. Happy Birthday my dear! You look fabulous in your new cut and you know what? Any year can be the best year of your life. You have from now until the day you die to do all the things you ever wanted to do. I believe in you. Enjoy your afternoon tea. :D

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Eve
      Yes it sure can
      Lets hope this one is a good one x

      Delete
  10. The hair looks fab :) Happy birthday Ruby :)

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  11. Thank you Kitty, me likes it too x

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  12. Happy birthday precious Ruby! I can't wait to see all the pictures from Castle Dragan. Afternoon tea sounds so lovely.
    I hope this year is better for you too. The only person who can make you embrace recovery is you, but I know you can do it. You've been teetering on the edge of recovery for so long, I can't wait for the day you truly embrace it.
    And I love your new haircut, you look gorgeous. I haven't had my hair done in years, whoops.

    Love you *big birthday hugs* xxxx

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much dear Bella

      You are so right, I have been teetering on the edge for so long
      I think it's time to sink or swim and I happen to love swimming even if it can be scary

      This is my first hair cut in a long time and I felt great after it so I would definitely recommend it

      Love you too x

      Delete
  13. Happy Birthday Ruby. I am a September Virgo too. Perhaps it is the perfectuonists in us that keep us struggling.

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  14. Happy Birthday! I find you really inspiring, and I really admire your strength, also your hair looks lovely xx

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much Majia, my hair was so long before so just getting used to the short hair but I think I like it! x

      Delete
  15. Happy Birthday Ruby!
    I know it's hard, but keep on keeping on. You will get there eventually, one tiny step at a time.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you lovely
      Yes, little steps add up to be great strides

      Hope you're doing ok x

      Delete
  16. Happy Birthday,dearest Ruby! Shame that we lost touch i emailed you but maybe you forgot... I might blog again soon, but if will be different. Haha, it's what they say here all the time - in Oxford we do things differently, but its true it changed me completely. Hope you will find your way to and i wish hope pray that one day it wont be anorexia, bulimia& ruby, but ruby the teacher, writer, lover, vet etc etc life us too short to be just an illness, babe and you are so much more! Have a lovely lovely birthday!

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    Replies
    1. Loulou so lovely to hear from you
      I'm sorry I never got your email, maybe I deleted by mistake or it went to spam
      You pop in to my mind often and I send positive vibes out in to the universe to you (he he that sounds very hippyish!)

      Let's keep in touch though
      I emailed you last night and I got your reply so I will get back to you soon

      Thank you for the good wishes, it means a lot

      Love to you x

      Delete
    2. Thank you babe, have a lovely lovely day! I know you will get better - even if you fully see it now you have come already very far! and always remember you can be anything you want, once you found out what it is!!

      Love you!!!!

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    3. Haha i delete emails accidentally all the time! Excuse the typos, as i am hyper as usual&writing from my phone xxx

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    4. Thanks Loulou!

      And thanks for your continued support and for believing in me
      I am so blessed to have met you and get to know you and I consider you a friend

      Love you too ! x

      Delete
  17. Happy birthday!! Sorry it's a little late. I'm on vacation and Internet is tricky to get here. I love the haircut, it suits you!
    I wish you the best with your ED. xx

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    Replies
    1. Thank you CJ!

      Hope you're enjoying your vacation x

      Delete
  18. Happy birthday, and I love the haircut!!!
    I hope your day can be special and fun. Don't think about Ed, think about yourself and how much of an awesome life you've had so far (and even if it wasn't that awesome, there were awesome parts)
    13 years is a long time, but you can beat this. Make a list of wishes you want to fulfill in the year to come, or make a plan or something, and prepare yourself to have the best year possible.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Emily

      I am just going to get ready to go out now soon, am very excited!

      Yes making a list is a good idea, I am not really a list maker but maybe I will give it a shot x

      Delete
  19. I love your hair cut and its funny I got a new hair style right after my birthday!
    You can move on from ED. I am not saying you will be "cured" but you don't need to suffer anymore. Talk to Mary, find goals that are focused on living like dance and writing. Follow your passions so that you don't have anytime to spend with ED. I heard the saying "hide out in meetings" in early recovery because you are safe there, you can find your own safe places to run to. You can do this Ruby!

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    Replies
    1. That's funny, I think the 2 times a girl gets her hair cut is when it's her birthday or after a relationship break up
      It just makes us feel better
      I actually don't like going to the hairdresser but I love the result

      Thanks for believing in me Josie x

      Delete
  20. Very Happy Birthday to you, Ruby!!!

    Birthdays are a milestone, aren't they...sort of like Christmas or New Year. A cornerstone of the calendar. An opportunity to stop and reflect, and compare where we were on that date the year before, and how our lives have changed.

    The fact that you are so motivated is what stands out to me here, not the fact that you still struggle with an eating disorder. Your determination and focus in the face of daily challenges is inspiring.

    I think the fact that you chose to go for afternoon tea says huge things, too, in a small and quiet way. Would you have chosen to surround yourself with people and food last year? The year before? Probably not. You are moving forward, constantly - sometimes progress is slow, and so it doesn't feel like we are moving at all. It's only when we take the time to look back that we realise we've left certain things far behind us, in the dust.

    Wishing you lots of love, and a wonderful day - and here's to another year of progress, and joys, and jottings, and accomplishments xxx

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Cheryl for your well wishes!

      This time last year I did nothing for my birthday
      My sister and I had a huge fight and it was a disaster
      This year is very different I am happy to report
      I don't feel sad that I am a year older or a year longer in this illness
      I feel grateful that I am still here alive and kicking
      For the first time in a long time I feel hopeful

      Yes here's to another year kicking EDs ass! x

      Delete
  21. WOOT HAPPY RUBYDAY!!!1! :D

    I fully read that as 'Castle Dragon' then got all sad because it wasn't a dragon. /facedesk

    this shit didn't get to the point it did overnight. It'll be a plod but worth it. (I get what you mean about the act. I want to hug you so hard all the EdHead leaks out your ears and down the drain. Wouldn't it be nice if it was that easy?)

    You'll be body-well enough to go horse-riding next year, right? No heart attacks or needing to be duct-taped to the saddle? :p I haven't ridden since I was 12. My ass is gonna be SO SORE. Can I just groom everyone's horses instead of riding? (Last time I rode I may or may not have fallen off at a canter and skidded along the beach. Mmmm sandpapered skin!)

    Just hearing from you is enough :) If you can't think of anything to say I don't care. (When in doubt resort to spamming with Chuck Norris "Facts" XD)

    I think I'm still holding on out of sheer stubbornness. I can't think of any other reason (Besides pretty yarns. She who dies with the most yarn wins!)

    My email is anaperidot[At]gmail[DOT]com (Yeah SO original that)

    Love you to bits Ruby <3

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    1. Thank you Peri!

      Sorry to disappoint you, no dragons is Castle Dargan

      Yes it's a date
      Me, you, 2 horses and a beach
      That's sounds amazing!

      Keep on holding on Peri
      Any reason is a good reason

      Yay, I will email you today

      Love you too to bits and pieces x

      Delete
  22. Happy birthday! Your hair looks so so lovely!

    It is scary to think another year has gone by and you're still driven by your disorder. But if you're having more hopeful days than hopeless days, if you're pushing boundaries by going out for afternoon tea, challenging yourself to purge less and less a day..I think that shows that you have made progress this year. Even your blog has become more and more hopeful since I have been reading, and I think that just that you're making steps towards recovery. It will be a long road but I think you've gotten down a lot of the rocky part already!

    Best of luck to you, have a most wonderful birthday, and take time to be proud of yourself for all the progress you've already made! <3

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    1. Thank you Anna

      Yes, I feel more positive and hopeful and I glad that my blog has become more hopeful

      It's the day after my birthday now and I had a lovely day
      I am now dosed with a cold so I'm going to curl up beside the fire and watch an omnibus of Come dine with me

      Much love x

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  23. Happy birthday!!! The haircut is just lovely. I hope this year is good to you dear Ruby x

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Thank you for leaving some love x