Thursday, 12 December 2013

Home Sweet Home?

I'm home
I was discharged yesterday after failing to meet my weight target for the umpteenth time
I had to gain 1.7kg to stay in hospital
An impossible task
I had been water loading in order to not be sent home but it came to the point where it was getting ridiculous so yesterday I decided to do it the honest way for once

I prepared my parents for the fact that I probably would be coming home
Still, it was so hard to ring them yesterday morning to come and get me
Their disappointment was palpable

I spent 7 week in treatment
And gained the grand total of 0.1kg in all that time
How pathetic
I didn't manage to get on top of the purging either and only got one day purge free
In my first 2 weeks I did get the purging down to once a day but then it gradually started to increase again

My med were increased in hospital
Quite a lot
My olanzapine was increased and I was also put on a sleeping tablet
In fact I am on so much medication now that I find it hard to get through the day without falling asleep
The last two weeks I was falling asleep in every group
So I was missing out on a lot

It' not all bad though
I do have the option to go back after Christmas so I think I will
I also made some amazing friends in hospital
I always do
I miss them so much already

I am determined not to start the binging and purging again
It was killing me
Being home is lovely and I was so delighted to see my dogs
But I am back in the place where my ED was rampant
I have no appetite and the temptation to lose weight is very strong
I am not going to start weighing myself
I'm going to try and keep some structure to my meals
I am going to keep fighting

There was a lady in treatment that I got very friendly with
She was 55 and had been suffering from her ED for 40 years
40
Years
She was so underweight it was shocking
It scared me so much
It still scares me to think of her

I glanced through some other blogs this morning
One blogger wrote how she had lost x pounds
There were 5 comments congratulating her
I just don't understand that
Surely we should be trying to help each other
Encourage each other
Not urge each other on to lose weight
That is just so wrong to me
Surely we have learned by now that losing weight does not make us happy
It does not make us more popular
Or more loved
Or more successful
All it mean is that we weigh less
That we take up less space

I have been there
Trying so hard to shed the pounds
Because once I reached x pounds then every thing would be ok
But it wasn't
In fact it made everything worse
Now the number doesn't matter so much
I know losing weight won't make me happy
But I still can't stop
Even knowing everything I know about EDs
I still can't stop

I'm not sure where to go from here
Or what to do with this blog
All I can do is take it day by day and meal by meal

I'm home
I'm ok
I'm still fighting

14 comments:

  1. It was so bittersweet to see your post pop up on my feed! But it's so good to hear from you regardless. I'm so glad you're still fighting, and that you're ok. I've missed you lots. Stay strong, love. If there's any way I can help, just let me know!

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  2. Hi Ruby, sorry it didn't work out, it doesn't make you a failure it just means it wasn't the right time for you - what do you think will be different if you go back after Christmas? Do you think it being a New Year might help?
    Love x

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  3. I'm sorry to hear you're home so early, but it made me smile to read that you have the chance to go back, and even more than you think you'll accept it. I'm proud of you for what you've achieved. You have done so well with reducing the purging, please don't discount it just because you didn't beat it completely. It's really good to hear from you, I've missed you heaps. Keep fighting Ruby my dear, lots of love <3 xx

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  4. Hello! Bit of a shock to see you pop up on my reader!

    I'm sorry to hear you got discharged, but I'm glad they're prepared to take you back. It must be hard for you. I'm glad you made friends, and it doesn't seem to be an entirely negative experience. Lots of positives seem to have come out of it.

    I think I was one of the commenters in the post you were referring to? In my defence I felt I was being more factual and neutral, well that was the aim of my comment anyway, so I'm sorry if it looked encouraging. That wasn't it's intention, and I agree. We probably shouldn't all be encouraging each other to lose weight. It's hard though, to know what to say really, because I suppose we're all going through it, we know it's not the answer and doesn't provide happiness, and yet we can't stop either. I don't know why stopping scares me more than staying the same, but it does.

    Thinking of you.

    xxx

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  5. Ruby, it is good to see you post, I hope you allow yourself to go back after Christmas, never give up fighting, you are worth it. It is so nice that you made some friends and wonderful that you purged less, that is so good to hear. Don't beat yourself up, just keep working, you will get there...

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  6. Sorry treatment didn't seem to help much.

    It's a bit confusing for me. I'm American and I don't know of any treatment center in the U.S. where you would be able to purge multiple times daily, or have any option other than to gain weight if they wanted you to. They certainly wouldn't discharge you!! They'd keep you there even if you were pounding on the doors to get out. It's just so strange to hear about how it is there....

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  7. First response: Oh poop. (Think Despicable Me)

    I'm still ridiculously proud of you for cutting down the purging and the purge-free day and managing to acquire another .1kg of huggable RubyMass. You've had nothing else but the ED for so long that what look like tiny twitches are actually massive earthquakes. TINY STEPS WIN MARATHONS TOO!

    Bloody hell, did they figure drugging you into somnolence would keep you from acting up too much? :p

    KEEP FIGHTING KEEP FIGHTING PLEASE KEEP FIGHTING. I selfishly want you to live and be as healthy as you can and find happy times so i can come make you life a misery for a few weeks with nonstop puns and talking shit and utter nonsense.

    This blog is your space, your place. You do with it what you want, ok?

    Love you so fucking much Ruby <3

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  8. Ruby, I'm a bit confused in all honesty, and I don't mean any of this in a harsh way but maybe you could explain? You keep saying you want to fight and recover, but you were just given a golden chance surrounded by support and you kept cheating your weights and the system? So do you really want to recover, or are you just saying what you think you should be saying on here? I don't mean to be harsh, but maybe something to think about?

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    Replies
    1. Unfortunately, wanting to recover and recovery are two separate concepts that are not as interlocked as it would seem. Knowing you need to stop doesn't give you the ability to actually stop.
      Think about Oprah. She has all the money she would ever need and can pay the best specialist to help her overcome anything. Yet every time she loses weight she gained it back because changing behaviors and coping skills is such a hard task. But that doesn't mean we will give up.

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  9. One day about a week or so ago after classes I went to the gym. I was kind of frustrated that day because I wanted to be good at something and everything just felt crappy. I was behind in my homework, it wasn't working out with the guy I was seeing, I wasn't getting along with my dad, and I had no money. I walked into the weight room determined and loaded two 45 pound plates on the bar. Taking a deep breath, I prepared to straight leg dead lift. Sadly, I still haven't developed enough forearm strength, the weight was 20 pounds too heavy, and my form wasn't very good. In short, I failed, but not the good way. I was angry at myself and angry that I still was down at 35's on both sides. The moral of this story is that being where we want to be takes time. We can't skip the small steps to get to the big ones, the big victories. Be honest with yourself, accept that you have to do what you have to do to get well, and take the life you want. There's no shame in the small defeats. It's the journey. I hope you go back Ruby. I know it's a difficult road and sometimes pride gets in the way of getting better but I have faith in you. Lots of love and hugs.

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  10. I'm sorry to hear that you had such a hard time at treatment Ruby. It sucks. But I hope you realize that you are stronger than you were when you first went in. You might not feel it but you are. You are still fighting and that is what counts. Keep fighting Ruby!

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  11. Oh gosh Ruby, I didn't know you went to hospital >< (haven't been keeping up with your posts for a while, sorry) I'm very sorry to hear that things have been tough... Treatment can be super hard, even if you do want to recover...
    But don't give up, and don't beat yourself up for it! Stay strong and keep fighting and you will get there one day!
    Sending you lots of love! <3 xoxo

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  12. <3 <3 <3 Missed you tons.

    You are determined not to let being back home turn back into the same vicious cycle that made you leave in the first place...despite treatment not going as well as you had hoped...that is incredible and I am happy to hear it. If you didn't make a 180, that doesn't mean treatment didn't work...maybe it'll just work differently than you thought..keep fighting Ruby and don't give up. It's worth this win!!!!

    I deleted my blog not long after you went in..I just became so paranoid about someone finding it, and knowing all my dirty truths...and I think perhaps I needed some separation as well...I felt the blog was kind of reinforcing the idea that my eating disorder is part of my identity, and therefore cannot be eliminated. Not that I've been any healthier since I've stopped blogging...well my purging has been more under control than ever...I'd say it's been at least 4-6 weeks since my last purge. Restriction, however, has taken the reins so I can't say I'm any better off, but I feel like I'm getting there. Slowly but surely...I think I could be healthy again.

    As can you! So happy when I saw a post from you, glad you are home and keeping your head up, if you need to talk at all, feel free to email me. Thinking of you and sending love & light your way!!! <3

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  13. Ruby! I'm sorry that you had to come home for the wrong reasons, but I am glad that you can be reunited with your pups and family for the holidays. I really hope you are able to go back in January and give it another go. For you it sounds like this recovery is going to take a long long time and determination. Fortunately, I know you are freaking awesome and smart and strong and beautiful and if you truly commit yourself you will start taking even small steps to lead to the big ones (entering into a treatment program was a huge first step!)

    I hope you got my card I sent to you there a while back.

    I am sending you huge batches of transatlantic love and hugs. You are amazing and I know you won't give up.

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Thank you for leaving some love x