Thursday, 2 January 2014

Back to treatment

I'm heading back in to treatment tomorrow
I've been home for 3 weeks now
I had been dreading coming home
Mainly because I had a family wedding and we had people staying in our house all week
I wasn't planning on being here for any of it
But then I was discharged prematurely
I could have chosen not to go
But I wanted to be there
I was asked to do one of the readings at the mass
I agreed to do it but it caused me no end of anxiety
Even though it was just 3 lines, it was a huge ask for me

The wedding was on Saturday
We stayed in a hotel in town
I put on my glad rags and war paint and put on my best 'I'm fine' face
I was so nervous waiting to do my reading
I had my brother ready as a back up incase I completely crumbled and couldn't do it
Then it was my turn
Before I knew it, it was over and I was back at my seat
I did it

After the mass it was on to the reception in a restaurant
Glasses of champagne were being passed out
At first I refused
But then I took one for a bit of 'Dutch courage'
I drank it quickly and it went straight to my head
I had another
And another
I didn't get drunk
Just pleasantly merry

The meal was amazing
6 courses
I got through it by purging twice

I was so glad that I went to the wedding and didn't get home until 4am
It just goes to show
A lot of the time it's the thought of these things that is worse than the actual event itself

I won't get to blog now for a while
I had been seriously considering closing this blog
But I really don't want to do that
I will continue to write
But I want this to be a blog about recovery and hope
I don't want this to be a car-crash blog
It's a sad truth that the worse my life got, the more views my blog got
I'm not concerned with how many followers I get
I just want to be honest
I want to tell the truth about what it is like to live with an ED and addiction

An anonymous comment was left on my last post
Basically saying that it was selfish of me not to read or comment on others blogs and continue to write my own
I just want to clear that up
I will continue to write my own blog
But for my own sake I can't continue to read and comment on blogs that I find triggering
Is that selfish?
Maybe it is
But maybe I need to be a little bit selfish to help myself right now
However I will keep in contact with the girls who I have become close to

As I said I won't get to blog for a while now
In the mean time please take care of yourselves
Be kind and gentle with yourselves
Keep fighting
Don't let this thing define you
Don't let it break you
Don't wait to do something until it is too late
Don't let it kill you

With love,

Ruby x


  1. SOOO good to see you're going back to treatment and even better to hear that you're not reading or commenting on those that are difficult for you and your recovery. I'm sorry I've been absent but I have been thinking of you, and reading here, and wish you a lot of luck and love for the upcoming battle. You know, you CAN do this. It will be harder than hard, and scarier than scary, but you can do it. Cxxxx

  2. I wish you the best of luck in treatment my dear. Remember that it will be difficult at first, but as long as you keep the long term goal in mind, you'll pull through with flying colors. I understand about not reading or commenting on other blogs, I was MIA from reading for a bit because I found it triggering. I don't think it's selfish of you at all. You need to do what's best for you my dear. Please don't take down your blog. I absolutely love reading. Keep up the hard work of recovery hun. Sending you lots of love and encouraging thoughts through treatment.

  3. Best of luck to you. I wish I could have done something about my illness when I was younger. I am 36 years old and still dealing with anorexia. I feel like I have wasted my life. You are so smart, you have so much to live for. Imagine your life free from anxiety, free from purging, all the amazing things you could do! You can do this! I will be praying for you every day. Much love, Julie in Canada (have been reading for many months but have never commented)

  4. GL Josie :) Hope it works better this time around. Just stay strong and try to remember all the feelings you had before you went for treatment last time.


  5. It's been 3 weeks already?! Gosh. I wish you all the best. I am so proud of you for how far you've come already. Once upon a time you wouldn't have gone back, but you are, and it makes me so happy for you.

    Do whatever you need to do Ruby. I think it's the best of both worlds to keep blogging, but make it recovery focused. It's simply not possible to keep reading triggering blogs while trying to recover, and you're doing what's best for you. If that makes you selfish, who cares? The last time I checked, our blogs are first and foremost for ourselves. Maybe now, or when you're next home, would be a good time to change your blog title?

    All my love to you Ruby dear. Sending lots of hugs and positive thoughts <3 xx

  6. Good luck with treatment. :) You can do it!

    By the way, I don't think it's rude to not comment on other peoples blogs if they're triggering. You have to put your own mental health before anything else.

    <3 xx

  7. Ruby, I totally agree with you... it is not selfish or rude to not read or comment on blogs that trigger you. You need to be a little bit selfish and take care of yourself, you come first. I will continue to send out positive thoughts and prayers for you that you will be able to be free of ED someday :) xox <3 Launna

  8. Hugs to you Ruby. I'll be thinking of you and sending happy thoughts.

  9. I don't think it's selfish to keep writing, even if you've backed off on reading. This blog is all about you, and you shouldn't have to feel pressured to surround yourself with anything triggering.

    Best of luck this time Ruby, I will be rooting for you as always <3

  10. It's not selfish Ruby!!! We understand! :) Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do to take care of yourself, you know? You are in my thoughts dear. Xoxoxo!!!!!

  11. I WILL EMAIL YOU THIS TIME! I'm such a lazy bitch, I'm so sorry :'(

    Avoiding triggering material when you're not in a state to deal with it isn't selfish, it's sensible.

    I hope my blog isn't too triggering :/

    Love you so much Ruby. Look after yourself and be honest with yourself, ok?


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Thank you for leaving some love x