Friday, 10 January 2014

One Week In

As the title suggests I am one week in to treatment
Everyone is telling me how this admission has to be different
Nothing changes if nothing changes
The number one offender remains
My old friend bulimia
She is proving to be stubborn beyond belief
It's a sad fact that purging has become such a normal part of my day
Just like brushing my teeth

I had a very interesting group this morning
I was told that I am keeping staff at arms length and not looking for support
It's true
I don't go to staff
I try to just struggle through it myself
I hate having to ask for help
I remember reading once that the three hardest things to say are:

I love you

I'm sorry

And help me

I can vouch for that

I miss blogging
I miss my home
I desperately miss my dogs
I keep leaving them
They must be so confused

My weight was down again this morning
Another loss and I will be on bedrest
I feel incredibly frustrated with myself
Why can't I do this?
Why am I content to live the half life that is this ED?
Why don't I want to live more?

I'm not giving up though
Not yet
I have eleven more weeks here
And it's never too late to start

I hope you all are ok
I hope you are fighting
Because none of us deserve a life half lived
None of us deserve the punishment we put ourselves through
I still firmly believe that there recovery is possible
Even for me
I am blessed to have a wonderful family
People who care about me
But it's time we started looking after ourselves
Ultimately it is down to us
As much as they would like to, our families can't do this for us
We have to find our own way

I have to keep reminding myself that I am not a teenager anymore
And this is not my first rodeo
I don't have to prove to anyone that I have an eating disorder
Or that I can lose weight
We can all do that
I also don't have to live up to the title of anorectic
I don't have to justify my illness
You don't have to either

Take care,

Your friend,

Ruby x


  1. Ruby, I think of you all the time, I want to email you but I also want you to concentrate on yourself at the hospital, reach out and ask for some help... think about it this way... wouldn't you want someone to ask you for help, doesn't it feel good when you have the opportunity to help someone? If you don't ask for help, the other person is missing out on that good feeling. I am thinking positive thoughts for you and no... it is never too late to take your life back... Give yourself a chance, you are worth the work :) <3

  2. I'm happy to hear from you! Since I work in a hospital I will tell you- know your weakness. If you know you don't seek out staff for help then after meals sit with staff. You know when you have been purging, seek out staff at those times.
    Good luck Ruby!

  3. You're not going for help because you don't want it. If you're there, and you want to change, start taking risks and reaching out for help. Inpatient isn't meant to be a chance to lose more weight but get better. Stop pretending you want something you're not even trying to get. Prove me wrong. Please prove me wrong xx

  4. I'm glad to hear from you Ruby dear. Reaching out isn't easy, but it's something you need to learn how to do. Could you ask the staff to check in with you after meals? I don't know if you've seen the movie 28 Days, but at one point Sandra Bullock's character gets a sign around her neck saying "Confront me if I don't ask for help".
    Take care as best you can. I love you bunches and I really hope the next 11 weeks bring great things for you <3 xxxx

  5. Lol that was the main thing I got told off for on Project K. I never asked for help, because I didn't want to be seen as weak. Then later on when I did start to ask for help I was told I was faking/didn't need it. Then when they tried to give me help, I didn't want it and just wanted to be left to die. Amaris had to blackmail me into giving them a last fair try, and I'm so fucking glad she did. (Scientifically fair, all honestly no bullshit. Look at ALL evidence not just that which supports your hypothesis) Yeah, it seems to be working so far o.O

    Treatment everywhere costs a fair bit, right? If you don't ask the staff to help you then they're not really earning their pay are they? :p That and if they're any sort of good at their job they WANT to help. Give them a chance? An outside perspective can be helpful. Even if the perspective seems wrong to you, you can find out tons by going "I don't agree with that, why don't I? Ah, this is why"

    Asking for help is the bravest thing anyone can ever do. I hope you can reach out before your last day there. You're worth fighting for Ruby, you really are.

    Lots of love and hugs from windy Dunners <3

  6. Hi Ruby,

    I came across your blog and wanted you to know that I am praying for you each day that you are able to find peace and comfort during this difficult moments. I have been in treatment several times, and I was wondering if the hospital your at allows you access to the bathroom at any time. We were prevented from using the restroom for 30 minutes after meals and had someone "chaperone" our restroom usage (embarrasing, I know!) until we gained privileges to do so independently.

    If your hospital does not have this type of rule, perhaps you could ask a staff member to sit with you during this 30 minute time period or accompany you if need be? I know this can be really uncomfortable, but perhaps it's an option.

    Also, do they offer NG tube feeding? Again... it seems extreme, but perhaps it will help you from continuing to lose weight while you initially tackle the difficult behaviors. It helped me a lot at first when I was very overwhelmed with eating.

    You're life is worth saving, Ruby. But you will have to surrender to the fact that saving your life includes doing things that are drastic and uncomfortable. You wouldn't treat an aggressive cancer with a light dose of chemotherapy, right? You would need the strong stuff if you wanted to survive.

    The same goes with recovery from an eating disorder. I know that you know this, though. I hope you can put the past away just for today and keep moving forward.


    1. I apologize for my horrible mixup of your and you're... haha. Apparently I mix the two up when I am tired and have had a glass of wine :-)

  7. I really hope you're able to take this opportunity with round-the-clock care and support to help you--you deserve health and happiness! Like others have said, you need to get supervision and support after eating. Be put on line-of-sight in the bathroom, where they check out of the corner of their eye that you're not purging. One main purpose to treatment is to put yourself in a situation where you can't use your behaviors (at least in my experience). The structure is so important. You need to use it! The staff are there to help you stay strong when all you want to do is purge. You can do this, but you need to give the staff a chance to help you, and you need to give yourself a REAL chance. And that means cutting off all behaviors cold-turkey. It sucks, and it's hard, but the only way to get any real clarity is to cut off the behaviors and get nourished. Good luck to you!

  8. I just randomly found your blog. After reading your story, I just wanted to let you know I'm praying for you. You can defeat all this, I know it. God bless.

  9. Hi Ruby, I don't know if you remember me. I quit blogging for awhile but am back at it if you would like to follow me I am at You won my contest once and I sent you tea towels as a gift. I am glad you are in treatment and I really pray this works for you. You are strong and brave.


Thank you for leaving some love x