Sunday, 13 April 2014

Tongue firmly in cheek!

It was last night
About midnight
Usually I would be tucked up in my bed at this time but it being Sunday night, I was all out of meds and paying the price for it
I just knew I wasn't going to sleep
I was hungry
Not hungry as in I might have some crackers or some fruit
Hungry as in the hunger that only a person with an eating disorder can understand
It being Sunday and the end of the week, I was not exactly flush financially speaking so suffice to say I did not have my favourite go-to binge foods in the house
So I went on a scavanger hunt around my kitchen
My sister had dropped off 2 Easter eggs earlier that day but I was looking for something savoury
Most people are either a savoury or sweet person
Being the greedy bulimic that I am, I like both in equal measures
But at this particular moment in time, I wanted savoury
And nothing else would do

Pasta sauce?
Ok, scratch that idea
Try the fridge
Mmmmm.........that could work
BLT maybe?
Yes, that sounds good
Nice crusty bread?
Never mind, regular sliced bread will do

I peel the bacon out of the packet and slap it on the grill
That just gives me enough time to get everything else ready
I shred some curly lettuce
Slice some plump red tomatoes
Popped the bread in the toaster
Now for the sauce
I don't particularly like tomato sauce or mayonnaise
But mix them together to make a Marie Rose type sauce?
Just enough creaminess from the mayonnaise and a lovely tangy bite from the ketchup
I open the mayonnaise jar and to my absolute horror (again only the horror that a ravenous bulimic can understand) the jar is empty!
Fuckity fuck!

Then I remember that I am one of those annoying people who puts the empty jar back in the fridge
Note to self: Need to stop doing that

The bacon is nearly done
What do I do?
Think Ruby, think!
What would McGuyver do?
I quickly scan the fridge
I spot some coleslaw right in the back
Coleslaw is made of mostly mayonnaise right?
That will work
I fish it out and check the expiry date
April 11 2014
After a few seconds thought I make an executive decision and decide to use it
There's no turning back now

My bacon is done
My toast has popped
I mix the coleslaw and the ketchup and quite frankly it looks disgusting
But I keep going
I place the lettuce, bacon and tomato neatly on my bread
I quickly make a cup of tea and head to the living room to settle down in front of the tv

I take a big bite
At first it tastes ok
The bacon is salty
The tomatoes are juicy
But then I get to the bread
It doesn't taste right
Not right at all
I try not to notice
I try to pretend that it is ok
I manage to finish half the sandwich before I admit defeat
This shit is revolting
I throw the rest in the bin
I wouldn't insult my dogs by giving it to them

I am distraught
All that hard work and love and energy for nothing!
After a visit to the bathroom I sit down with a cup of tea and a cigarette and think
I think about how this all started
How my whole week had lead up to this point
If I hadn't taken my meds earlier in the week then I would have had meds for tonight and I would be asleep right now
If I hadn't spent all my money on silly frivolous things during the week then I would have had money for some proper binge food for tonight
Or even further back
If I hadn't been discharged from treatment then maybe I would be better now I wouldn't even be thinking about binging and purging
If I had never been born then none of this would ever have happened
I could go on and on but I won't

It's 7am
I haven't slept
I have a doctors appointment in two hours
For everyone else it's morning but for me it's bedtime
Night night!


  1. I can understand that anxiety. I'm glad you didn't finish the sandwich or didn't binge worse. Eating Disorders are hard things to deal with. I'm sorry that things are hard for you right now. I hope you are able to rest, and that you have a better day today. Xx


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